What am I doing?
What's going on right now?

My Emotions: You wouldn't know, you haven't been listening to us or even conscious of the grand scheme

You've been too busy,  
spoke my pain
You've been absent minded,
spoke my soul
You've been detached
spoke my spirit

You've been distant
spoke my heart

Blindsided by the truth I've constinuosly allowed to accumulate, I open up again

To myself

Only she has the tools to fix me
Only she has the capacity to piece me back together and love me deeper than I could fathom

I don't know why we look for that "special someone" to do it for us

This new step feels different

It feels like summer rain,
the warm droplets reassure me that the nights of endless sobbing has been taken over by the divine rain

It feels like dawn braking,
the hiding sun has taken center stage and awoken me from my slumber, supported by the imaginatively inspiring clouds

It feels like finishing a puzzle,
the pieces have finally fallen together and the landscape that I am destined to chart has been laid out by countless frustrating corner pieces

all that's left is to set sail on this new day leaving the rain behind

There you are
Here I am

Are we going to stop the rain for us to cancel out the noise of our past

If you step out from under here
You will drown
In my baggage

You forgot who you are
You forgot what sets you apart
You forgot what makes you special
You forgot what you've been through
You forgot what prepared you for now
You forgot your victory over pain
You forgot you are chosen
You forgot you are set apart

You traded it for the pain of the world
The standards of the world
The pain of the world
The darkness of the world
The vices of the world
The pleasure of the world

And it made you forget

How amazing you are
How everytime you fall you get up
How determined you are to love
How excited you are to change
How beautiful your soul is
How you exhude life
How you came to do great things
How you are set apart

                                                Remember?

We are hidden,
   The memories
   The thoughts
   The joy
   The experiences of your past

We get so stuck behind the thoughts of your daily struggles
You forget us
We make you who you are
We want you to remember us
All you have to do is listen

Listen

To the look on your fathers face when you walked into his arms for the first time

To the joy on his face when he taught you how to swim and played with you in the water

To the determination that never allowed your pain to stop you from getting out of your hospital bed

Every time

To the joy you spread to others from simply a smile shared

Remember us,
             We are here just pay attention

todo lo que hago es para ti
mi anhelo es que tu puedes encontrarte

que cada vez que miras a las nubes

que cada vez que miras a las alturas

que cada vez que miras al oceano

vez a ti misma en su refleccion

It is easy to be drowned out by the perception of others

It's easier to feed others when you yourself are starving

It's easiest to lose sight of your purpose when you're fixated on these things

It's difficult to choose yourself, but I promise once you trust yourself and believe

I know that anything is possible

I don't know you
you don't know me

but can we be here?
in this moment, for a while, together.

Your past,
Memories
Pain
Obsessions
Joys
Compassions

Are what I love most about you
Even though we are strangers

You're beautiful
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes

The innocence of ignorance
I understand you have parts of yourself you hide away
As do we all

That part is ok, because for know
We don't have to look at it
Its as if it doesn't exist

As your best parts of yourself are revealed first to a person you just met

That is you
Your best parts
That is who I choose to see

But I accept all of you
Because I know how much you hurt
I know your weight

For I share it too
in this moment
We can lift each other's burdens

Before we inevitably must return
to reality

I write from the deepest bounds of my inner turmoil

Pain
Joy
Heartache
Heartbreak
Happiness

The delicate dance  between conscious decisions and situational awareness
Life is a balance

It is often easy to be lead astray by
Words we have too much familiarity with
And actions we submit ourselves to

All because of how they make us feel

I am responsible for the knowledge that feeds my head.
It hasn’t been getting fed

****
This one is a hard one
All these emotions
That wane and wax like the illuminesence that brightens our nights
All these emotions
That drown me under the tides of isolation and incomprehension
All these emotions
That eviscerate me in the moment

But that's the thing about time
It passes

I am speaking to you,

You who lost your face in the multitude of the crowd
You who deserted your purpose for confusion
You who rejected yourself because it's all you've ever seen others do to you
You who adopted patterns the desolation of accommodation

I see you
I know you
I have been you

I am lighting the path to freedom
Because my purpose

Is to eminate

My lovers skin I have been
Sticking to them like humid clothes in the sweltering heat
Attached when I know I need to release them

The hurt goes so deep
I barely have the sheer willpower to confront it
Even heal from it

I remember the best moments
I relive the worst

Protecting everything you have inside
Refusing to let your vital organs spill out
I poured into you
I chose you
I fought for you
I loved you

Your smell
Your taste
Your sight

All etched into my memory
Affecting my Being
Like the carvings inside caves
Left for another to deduce it’s timeless meaning

You have in me made impressions
Not unlike the steps in sand
The rifts of earths highest and lowest points
A summation of everything that has ever been
And everything that ever will

Now I know why
You are not worth it anymore

Allow change to take over you
Melt into the tides of renewal

Allow the past to wash over you
Mend your heart
Reconcile with those who have hurt you

Nothing is worth more than your sanity
Your peace is a priority

Do not allow the externalities of this world to imprison
Your hope

The slightest sound
Reminds me that my soul is bound
No longer profound
I am silenced

The abject emptiness
My heart cannot support the weight
of this
heaviness

I wonder
On the nature of things
Lucretius

My constant wondering if this is it
I can no longer sit

Around and be idle to this idol
What is it that I am choosing to be?
Is this me?
Is this what I am meant to see?

Of where I've been
The halls I've wandered
The solitude encompassed in the empty rooms
When I am alone with me

My past,
My memories
I try to ignore her
But she demands and audience
With herself

Who am I to deny
Her of her own being

This is not a poem I have written for you
This is why you are confused

I am my own muse.

Caught between what I want
  And what I need
    I am in the midst of
      It all
        I can decide
          In this moment
            My future

                                          What will it be?

the soul speaks.

What business does a hopeless romantic have being alone?

I want to give my all to another someone

I want to love them with everything I have

And not be able to breath when they prove that they were never worth my efforts

Be completely and utterly broken having to carry yet another painful reminded unsuccessful attempt at love

I guess that's what brings me here

Maybe that's what brings us all here?

Unnoticed
The sky dances for us like one not unaccustomed to attention but longing for affirmation

Unacknowledged
The sun hugs us with the warmest embrace,  like we're old friends who have know each other since birth
Seeing us through our awkward phases and past lovers
Listening to us beg it to come out from behind the clouds on our worst days

We don't listen to the stories the creatures of the sky and land regale between breaths of song
We don't value their wisdom anymore
Rare and fleeting if there ever was a time in which we did

We refuse to smell the beautiful commradery of all that happens

Without us

We only taste the defeat of failure or the destruction of our daily encroached reality

We prefer it that way

Beacuse then we can't let the light in,
If there's no light

We see no need for change
Because we see nothing

Todos me preguntan que significa el amor
¿Cómo se puede describir el sentimiento que yo ni sé si existe?

Que es el amor
Como se compara a lo hecho realidad
A este mundo
A lo que vemos

Es algo intangible

Y algo que me falta experimentar
Espero perderme

¿Quién me encontrará?

What am I creating?
What reality am I choosing?

What has been so deeply rooted in me from my childhood foundation that inspire me to pursue ideologies that do not pertain to the deepest bounds of my spirit.

We follow these fantasies
But what reality do we hold onto
The logical fallacies we adopt
We cannot realize that

Fantasies are never really real
They are a fragment of the dream diluted in the lies and commodities of the world

When I am with you
You fill me

Why do I run from you when you are everything

Love
Beauty
Grace
Strength

I admire every aspect of you
I see you in everything

In math
Shapes
Symmetry
Originality

You are everything and you show me the best parts of myself and prompt my growth

I love you

They flow in
They flow out
Without a sound

Simply a suggestion
Could pose the question
"Are you ready to create?"

Often heard as a
whisper or a loud roar
Depending on how long you've chosen to ignore

The voice of guidance within us

Ideas have no mercy
The care not about you
They want to be brought here
By whatever means necessary

If you don't fit the bill
Someone else will

Because they were willing to do
What you could not

You have made a castle is my mind
There you reign freely
The ruler of my emotions
Lover of my soul
Jester of my heart

Yet we live in a modern world
Where castles are no longer needed
And I live in the suburbs

This overwhelming knowledge that
nothing will ever be the same again
doesn't phase me anymore

I choose to not feel anything
because when I do i get hurt
if there's nothing i can do about it
my emotions only hold me back

so when you ask if im ok
know im not

im  just really good at faking
sensitivity

I see you
I know how you are

People may seem to be other than what they truly are
But you are not

I understand your past
I understand your pain
I understand your mannerisms

I see you
Do you see me?

Right as I think I'm over you
Right as I think I've moved on
and finally found another lover

I'm brought back to my most vulnerable place
You

Detached from reality
I crumble
I don't know how
I don't know why

But you keep coming back like the unforgiving tides of the ocean that threaten my livelyhood yet offer a whole new world at once

I'm drawn into you but pushed back
I want to start anew
But even that wouldn't be enough

In and out

Hold for 7
Release for five

How beautiful is that
We do this naturally
Without though

How powerful it is when we realize
All that we could discover
With though

We hold onto more than we realize
Refusing to release it

Resentment
Bitterness
Anger

Can all be released

It begins with a choice.
How long are you willing to hold onto the past
Are you going to allow it to corrode your future
Will you contaminate your joy

I know it hurts
Growth is uncomfortable
Yet, beautiful

Love never hurt you

The wrong person did

There are so many things happening simultaneously that we don't take a second to realize

There's more to what seems superficial
She goes deeper than the levels of stairs on a neverending abyss that holds the key to life
A journey not set out by most
Nor attained by many

Only the select few
Survive
Her levels

The endless truth that

This world is painfully crude

My reality

Made possible by something

I do not wish for at all

I find myself
Recently
Longing for something that never was

A fictionalised reality of a perfect love
Based on my imperfect past lovers

I guess I just miss having someone
To hold at night
To kiss the whole world away
To walk side by side
and know I'm safe

But I don't think I've ever had that

Drowning in the waning tides and crashing waves

Your words are what bring me back to  sandcastles after they were rebuilt

What am I here to do?

Confused by the aching pain in my chest
The disorder
The confusion
The intangible reality that presents itself to me

what do i choose?
how do i know if it’s the right choice?
what is the right choice
who am I?

This should not be so confusing

Should I do what’s best for me?
What about the repercussions
What about my family

What about love?

Love
Who knee it would chase me down
knock me off my feet
and rip the air from my lungs

Love hit me like a freight train
Do i get up and fight? Or do i just lie down and take it

Take it?
Take this pain
Take this emotion
Take this drive
Into the unknown?

Why is this so scary
I have never felt with this before
I’m so good at calming others
Helping others
Yet myself?
I know not where to begin

What is going on
Everything i once knew is uprooted from my imagination
My mindset
My focus
My determination
my
perspective

They’ve all shifted to accommodate a new possibility
New opportunity
New reality

Should I leave?
What am I doing here?
Was I really going to get where I thought I wanted to be
Am i settling?
Who am I
Do i like who I’m turning into?
who am I turning into
What will these decisions provoke

The real question is
Where do I go from here?

You only shine as bright as you allow yourself to

Who cares what other people have to say?
Who cares about today's generation of style and whether on not you live up to it?
Who cares about the false perception people have of you due to their association of reality?

Not you
Because you gave yourself permission

You released yourself from the confines of society and opened the door to a formerly prisioned version of potential. That potential can either be your greatest ally or your most detrimental weakness. It just needs your

Permission

Looking back
I was heavy

I let everything surround
And drown
Me

My worth
My strength
My beauty

I wrote from a place of pain
I wrote from a place of hurt
I wrote from a place of numbness

I didn't want to feel
I didn't want to know that everything was ok

Because then it would force me to realize that the pain I had affixed myself to with such vigor

Wouldn't last

Sometimes I feel like I have to know everything
Like I have to have it all figured out
Like I'm not doing enough to achieve what I want
Like I'm wasting time
Like everything I do is wrong
Like I'm not good enough

But then I laugh in the face of those thoughts
because they come from me
And they can be anything I want them to be

So today my emotions tell me
I am strong enough
I am brilliant
I am stunning
I am captivating
I am doing all that I can
It's okay to make mistakes
We'll figure it out as we go

I got you.

It's interesting to me
That I assume what I know
Is common knowledge

Yet, most people don't understand what my words mean

They don't know what it means to both love
and hate yourself

They don't know what it means to give everything to others and have nothing for yourself left

They don't know what it means to feel so engulfed in the unforgiving tides of life yet feel so detached from reality

What a world they must live in
I want that

How easy it is to become consumed
Lost in the ebb and flow
The stressors of life
hold us captive

a breath
a small bubble
in space and time

reminds us who we are
and why we fight

never forget why we do what we do
our purpose is what drives us

neglecting your purpose
is to neglect your greatest strength
and the sole force that pushes you forward

Isn't it funny how the thing we want most is the worst possible thing for us?

Addiction
Turmoil
Selfishness
Intoxication
Promiscuity

They promise us they can make it better
They can take the pain away
Give us an easier life
We don't have to worry

But they lie
Because they only want us to lose ourselves in them

They don't care about us

And to be honest
Do we really care about them?

I feel like its not ok to struggle
I can't make it out of the rubble

Everything I do seems inept
To alterate my situations
It's not like I could have just left
But it's not about patience

I just want to feel weightless
But everything I do won't change this

The inherent beauty of the world
Overlooked and Ignored

Why don't we look around anymore?
Why can't we connect?
Why can't we ask questions that spark passion and imagination?

Because we are scared
We don't know what would happen if we we're to come out of our shells and fulfil our potential.

We'd rather be
complacent and entertained
convinced and brainwashed
contained and ignored

Because if we shifted our focus
For one second

We would start a revolution

For some reason
I enjoy the solitude of the night
I am unreachable

Distracted from the world
I am able to sort out my thoughts

I can understand who I am
In the lonesome company
Care to join me?

You already know what to do

Everything you need to know is already inside you

You have the tools to solve any problem life presents to you ingrained within yourself

Remember who you are

People never really turn out to be who you expected them to be

Control your impulses

You're a Bystander
You allow life to pass you by
You let opportunity drift off

Your motivation?
Nowhere to be found
Because you don't find what was meant for you

You just unlock it
You unlock the good
You unlock the bad

Regardless, it's yours
And only yours

What else do I have to do
To be better
To not be what I detest
To impact positivity
To make a difference
To see the world the way I used to
To release my trauma
To be normal

What else do I have to let go of
I feel like I've done so much
But there's so much more to release

Everything.
Change is constant
The irony that flows through our veins and solidifies our reality is the answer to almost everything

We can never stop changing
It goes on without us realizing

Truly,  it's is everything
We must give it all up to be better
Change is a whirlwind that uproots our habits,  redefines our ideologies and challenges our perception daily

If you don't change
It's all pain
You lay dormant in the uneasy feeling of being stuck

Because our nature is to evolve

I am trying to fit into this mold that creates everything and nothing
I'm so concerned about others I don't even check in with myself

Have I eaten? no.
Have I slept? no.
Am I happy? no.

My facade.
Oh, how we love her.
No, we love what lies deeper than her

Her soul is beauty
Her strength soothing
I don't think I'm better than anyone else
I am worthless
The emptiness I feel inside is counteracted by the love I pour into others.

I give
I give
I giv
I gi
I g
I

until there is nothing left

There is nothing left of me
What am I doing
Why am I so concerned about others when they don't give a **** about me.
No one appreciates my love
They don't feel it the way I feel it
Why do I give myself away so freely?
Why am I so ******* damaged
Why does he still love me?

I conjure this false sense of being there for everyone
But who is there for me when I'm broken?
Shattered
Beat down




Empty.

Nothing lasts

Not the pain
Not the love
Not the beauty
Not the age
Not the darkness

But the light
It goes on forever
Because it is not of this world

If we realize we don't belong in the darkness
The things we would accomplish
Are unparalleled