The last time you were here my fan was making that annoying clicking sound it always makes.
I stood up on the bed, pushed the fan, and it stopped.
You said, "see, you're an engineer too."
I just smiled as you pushed me and pinned me down to the bed.
Now it's been over a month since I saw you last.
22 days since you last texted me.
I just don't understand what you want from me.
To be honest, you made me believe that you were the one.
The one I'd let it all go to.
I pushed comfort zones,
I tried to be the right girl for you.
I guess I was wrong.
And now every time my fan makes that annoying clicking sound, I think of you, and how you told me I was an engineer too.
Except this time,
it won't stop clicking.

Take me somewhere new, I want to explore with you. Let’s go climb a mountain, let’s go jump off cliffs into waterfalls. Take my hand and lead the way, Mr. Adventurer. Let’s sit on a rooftop and make music. You with your guitar and me with my voice. Let’s stay up there so long we watch the sun set and the moon rise. Let’s stargaze, I’ll watch the way they twinkle in your eyes. Take me in your arms, wrapped together in a blanket on June 24th watching the night sky. We can fall asleep together to the sounds of the nearby ocean and wake up at sunrise to the bright clear skies. Hear the birds chirp and see them fly in their V-formation. Let’s just stay here all day, bundled up in each other. Let the hours pass by and eventually we’ll go get some food only to bring it back to the rooftop and watch the townspeople walk to the city and bike to the shore. Let’s go for a run. A run down the beach, stop to feed the pelicans, the one we named Steve. Who are we kidding, we don't know which one is Steve. But after these nights, you do know me. And I surely know you, Mr. Adventurer.

Losing a friend is like mourning a loved one.
Your heart breaks,
You can't spend more than a couple hours without thinking about them.
Then you see a picture, you have a memory, or you see them,
And it all comes rushing back.
The good, the bad.
Everything you want to remember and everything you don't.
But now you don't want to remember it at all.
You just want it all to go away,
For the memories to subside,
To be lucky enough to never see them around,
To never have them pass your mind.
Meanwhile, you're losing your mind.
You can't stop thinking about them or dreaming about them.
You can't suppress the memories because they were just too perfect.
Now you're left to wonder,
Wonder why they left,
Wonder what you've done.
But all you have left is a heartbreak that can't be undone.

You confuse me to no end,
Play games with my mind.
Yet I can never say no to you,
I always think we're fine.
It all started with a knock on the door,
Do you see why I have trust issues?
You're rude, degrading, and constantly make me feel like ****.
But all I want is to believe that you care,
That there's a friendship there.
I get it, we're friends, I don't want anything more either,
But it feels like you're on a quest to hook up with my friends,
And that you only want me when you're bored.
It's like I put you on this pedestal,
Because all I wanted was to feel something.
But you just make me feel like ****.
I feel like an object to you,
Like I'm nothing more than a piece of paper.
So why do I keep crawling back?
Why do I always say yes?
It's like I can't say no to you.
You've built property and you're here to stay.
I'm never kidding when I say you can leave,
And when I confront you, you blow it off.
So what the **** do you want from me?
Because I just want your honesty.

The tags say, "Dry Clean Only" but I didn't have time before I left.
So now my favorite purple sweater, the one with the elbow patches, smells like you and filet mignon.
Rewind.
July:
"Congratulations, it's a match!" Reads my tinder notification.
Little did I know, I'd actually like you.
Little did I know you'd say you wanted something.
August:
I got your number, we planned on meeting up.
Our plans fell through, but we continued to talk and flirt anyways.
September:
I left for school, as did you.
Hundreds of miles away, you could tell there was something wrong through a text message.
You were there for me, everything I needed, you were it.
You told me you didn't just want someone to ****, you wanted someone to love.
October & November:
The texts dwindled down to barely any.
All I wanted was for you to respond, or finally text me first.
We planned on meeting up for thanksgiving, you ignored me.
December:
Finals week approaches and I finally hear from you again.
You want to meet up for real this time.
We say, let's meet over break.
January:
You text me, four nights before I'm leaving again.
Tomorrow? You ask me, I obviously say of course.
Terrified, I think you're going to stand me up,
but when you finally walk into the Starbucks,
my heart drops.
This is actually happening.
You come back to my place, this and that happens.
You leave.
But what I didn't think is that we'd be back at square one.
Ignoring my texts, yet snapchatting me and liking my moments.
Now:
I run to rid you from my mind.
But yet you appear so vividly and I can hear your voice saying, "are you gonna come and get it?"
Just like you said that day.
So I never had the time to dry clean my favorite sweater, so it still smells of your cologne and filet mignon.

This isn't easy, putting pen to paper figuring out my thoughts, but alas, here we go again.
I don't want to say it's a crush, that's childish.
It's more of a lust, a desire, a fire burning in my heart wanting to pull you closer every time we hug.
My mind screaming, "say something! Make a move already, ******."
You flirt with me like crazy, making my emotions run wild.
You're in my head constantly reigning over my thoughts, haunting my dreams.
It's pretty crazy how this all works.
Everything you do is adorable and everything you are is cute.
I want to be a part of your life, just like you've made yourself a part of mine.
I want you to hold me in your arms.
I want to feel the warmth of your embrace.
I just want to feel loved, but more importantly, I want to feel loved by you.
Everyone says I'm crazy, they say I don't have a chance, but the way you act around me can't just be nothing.
It's quite cute actually.
You play with your hands, you waffle back and forth on your feet, just like I do when I'm nervous for an audition, you come to a loss for words, you play with your hair, and that smile.
You have a smile that makes my heart melt, my knees tremble.
I thought I was over it until that one summer day.
I guess you're just not that easy to get over, ay?