I feel like I've found my niche
with this walking thing
I started because I found it makes my baby happy
he sleeps so good in the rocky stroller
falling into slumber with each bounce and groove in the sidewalk
I started to realize it was therapeutic
for the both of us
I find myself actually looking forward to
waking up so I can start my
morning and go for my walk
the air is clearer and so is my mind
I like to know I'm growing stronger everyday
I like to push myself to go further
walk faster
think harder
my walks are where my thoughts
come together
where I process my life and give myself time to be fully
me
sometimes my mind is blank
and I am just feet on the ground
leaving an untraceable path
burning calories and fat
into muscle and progress
I think I found my thing
a thing I like to do
even if it does seem small and simple
it makes me feel good
and when something makes you feel like this
why would you stop

Tonight just isn't going my way
I am not in the best mood and
apparently neither is he
I got excited for no reason
did my makeup for no reason
looked forward to today for no reason
I may as well have never gotten out of bed
It just isn't my day
I want to be in a better mood
I want to cheer up
In less than an hour we will be in bed
and today will be over

I'm tired of being jealous of other people's lives
I want to make a life that someone else is envious of
that makes them want to change their lives for the better
that makes them question how they're living or what they really wanna do
If they're staying true to themselves
or just doing what everyone else wants

I've cried as much as my eyes will let me
I don't think there's anything left in my ducts to pour out
but my heart still hurts just the same
I cried because I am frustrated
I am sick of this situation were always in
I cried because I don't know how we're going to do it
even though I know we will
I guess I cried because it's going to be so hard  
I cried because I don't believe in myself the way I act like I do
I am so scared all the time
I don't know what I'm doing and I am scared of being in pain
I cried because my life is going to change in ways I hadn't even considered yet
the days we had are gone and I miss them already
I cried because life is scary and I haven't felt this alone in so long
I cried because I feel bad for feeling this way
it's not my babies fault I am feeling unprepared
it is my own
I just feel so alone and full of regrets tonight

is it selfish to hope that my son
turns out more like me
to hope he cares more about things
like the lunar eclipse or the lifetime of a tree over the next level on a video game?

to see the world through a wider set of eyes
and to know there is much more to life than the day to day routines
that nature matters
and so does recycling and knowledge of plants

reading should still be done out of books
and learning to write in cursive still matters
I hope he sees the beauty in the stars
and how small but important we are in the vast universe we get to be apart of
how what we do here on earth
effects our solar system

when he gets older I hope he realizes
other people's feelings around him
how the things he says and does truly effect someone else
I hope he cares about his health
that he dosent smoke and dosent drink too much
is conciencious of his eating choices
and goes for an apple over chips
I hope he sees he only has one life
and that he sets out to make the most of it

I hope he is never too ******* himself
because he realizes no one is perfect
and that he takes the time to
take care of himself
I hope he wants to live in this world over the makeshift realities brainwashing todays Youth through TV and games
I hope he questions who he is
and who he wants to be even in the good times not just the bad

I hope when the next lunar eclipse comes around
he will want to watch it with his Mom
because he knows how much she adores both the moon and her son

everywhere I turned there was a screeching child around every aisle
begging, whining, crying,
faces red, tears rolling as they throw probably their fifth or sixth temper tamtrum all day
right there in the middle of walmart
parents faced drained of life
trying to get in and out
while rounding up their child
dragging them by the arm
giving them what they want so they stop asking even three aisles away from the object
I bent down to grab my cupcake holders and I hear little feet running up beside me
and a young boy goes bolting by me,
a box of fruit roll ups in his hands
and I watch as he throws it in the cart and the mother continue to walk as if that didn't just happen
as I stand the sound of screams echoes
through the grocery section
and all I can think is
GO GO GO
GET ME OUT OF HERE
my lungs felt heavy
my breath was coming in quick
small gasps
I started sweating under my arm pits
my mind closing around the sounds of
bratty children screaming behind me
beside me
in front of me
as if the sounds were taunting me
I dropped the two items I had on a random shelf and headed toward the door as fast as my feet would take me
pushed open the doors and ran to my car
where I turned the ignition on
stepped on the gas and flew out of the parking lot
I gasped for air when I got on the road
I hadn't even realized I'd been holding my breath
was that going to be my life?
was I about to nurture
love
clean
change diapers
fall in love
with a hateful, selfish, evil little demon
that would fool me for a few months of absolutely adorable babyness before turning into Satan spawn right before my eyes
begging, screaming, whining when they don't get their way
who was I kidding
I've always hated children
and in return they've hated me back
just last week a boy told me my leggings were gay
what made me think my son would be any different?
I didn't calm down until I got to sit in silence
just the sound of my cars engine
and my own breathing
I swore right then and there
even if it kills me, I would never let my child be that kid
I refused to let my life end up the way those parents in walmart had turned out
kids will be kids but my child will
never chase a pregnant woman out of a store in an absolute panic second guessing motherhood