I think the most motherly I've seen my Mother is in a dream
One with high stakes and eager fights
Where she stood fearful
Not for herself but for my safety
Grabbing my hand to protect from an eager fist

Protective

I wish I could dream those dreams with conscious thoughts
With ambitious hope that I would outweigh herself
Selflessness towards those you bore, like the movies
But I always know when I'm awake
The lines don't blur as much as they did when I was a child
And I am left with a hole
Longing for a state of reality that could never be
Dreaming of dreams

"I am happy because it is all I can be,"

The just becauses' twisting around your tongue as another statistic sticks in your teeth,

"I'm not alone."

Are words coated in the sweetness of pretense, the inevitably suicidal thoughts of a generation give you solace,

"I'm feeling good today"

Words you use to describe the fact you can't play your favorite video game any more, without the guilt of not know if you'll ever go back.

"I'm tired"

And for once the honesty comes out like a sewage leak; there is a harmony of agreeability in your statement, the words both acknowledged and ignored.

"Goodnight"

To toss and toil you lay your bones and finally close your eyes, thoughts wildly awake but silence envelopes you.

Sometimes I remember the scorn of my family,
Effigies of bloodlines crossed into a tired face.
I remember my mother,
Her vice was appearance-
Not her own but that of others.
Every day was judgment
She’d pick us before we bloomed and left wilted children
Questioned the lack of fruit
Not with self-deprecation but with scorn
How dare we cross the farmer who sowed the seeds and watered the crops?
How dare we look towards the sky for comfort?
When that cold trowel could dig in our necks.

I remember one time my mother asked me if she was the problem
A lie, I’ve heard that question many times
How can you curse a broken human more than she does herself
And somewhere in my head, I justify it
Consider the kindness built on vanity to be kindness nonetheless
Flowers do not need to be alive to be beautiful
They can be so frailed and dried up they become immortal
A crumbling tombstone of decay
And we marvel at them
And I remember that I am a product of my mother

I knew a kid in highschool
Rather to say I knew him would be an overstatement,
He was a friend of a friend at most,
The boy that sat directly in front of me in my economics class
Second seat from the right, second to last from the back
The corner of the classroom between the whiteboard wall and the windows
I remember that scene like a diagram,
I couldn’t tell you anything I learned from the class but,

I knew a kid in highschool
He was best friends with my childhood best friend
He wasn’t quiet, wasn’t loud- he was a normal highschool boy
I remember the last words I said to him
Well not quite, I remember the vague idea
Something along the lines of it only gets worse
He was talking about the theoretic project where we role played
Each kid acting out as if they were in the real world
He said he was overwhelmed by the amount of work
I told him it only gets worse

I knew a kid in highschool
He killed himself during the weekend
The Monday they announced in I was sick
I was sick
His obituary isn’t up on the internet anymore
Neither is his facebook, he is nothing but a yearbook page
The page to a book I couldn’t afford
He is a memory on bookshelves filled with dust

I knew a kid in highschool but I had to ask a friend to confirm his existence
That I didn’t just make up a daydreamed suicide
I’m so tired of wondering what’s left of us when we die
I spend most of my life running from evidence of my existence
No photos, no yearbooks, nothing with me or my name
I knew a kid in highschool

I hate odd numbers, to be more exact I fear them
That is not to say it applies to every facet of my life
Three at the end of the day is my favorite number
It's just in every other circumstance that they seem to haunt me
Like my nightmares only occurring when my alarm is set odd
Something caused by one of my benign idiosyncracies
-Nonetheless, I'm faced with odd numbers when I sleep
When I awake
When another family member has chosen the grave as a resting place
When times seem to change unexpectedly
I'm anxious about many things
But all seem minuscule compared to those numbers that follow me
Unbreaking and ration
They belong; I do not

When I was younger I saw stars in everything
But now my mind has turned to cityscapes,
Angular in design
I look up and see only the glimmer of passing planes
Everything has turned into a product of the unattainable
I miss the stars, the past, the memories
But perhaps this city skyline isn't so bad

I wonder if I ever truly loved someone
Or these memories of past fires are fraudulent
Tiny lies so I can talk to my friends about the mundane
Useless drama, useless talks, little excitements
Little spats.
I'm tired of these tiny lies I tell to myself

Let the hushed autumn wind remind me of finality
Dying leaves, remnants of a dead summer
Things will be over soon
This dull hum surrounds me
Reminds me of upcoming change
Change like a spring can only come from the whisper of death
Forgotten times
Memories, not moments
Whispers

I miss the shallow tides of life
Those childish whispers we had of careers
I swear we all wanted to be doctors at least once
Now it's just student loans and unemployment rates
Bitterness towards aspirations that were once so mystical
They leave a sour taste in my mouth

I'm a lazy perfectionist
I only accept the best but never work for it

There is a heavy insistence from those close to me that I'm better.
That this dip in my improvement is nothing more than temporary.
After all most flowers must wilt before they truly bloom.
But I am bitter, I feel nothing from these roots.
A shadow of years of practice.
I doubt that I am a necromancer and my talent is dying;
If I try to remain on this path I'll die a failure.
Maybe I should go against my goals for money or fame
Something I can grasp that won't pass through my fingers.
Baby steps towards a future I didn't prepare for but one I'll survive.

Have you ever made a mistake and immediately regretted it?
Like all the contents of your stomach start a rampage of protest.
Where words taste like vile and leave the same impact?

Like your not afraid of the response but that moment
It's painful
Even when you're the one holding the knife

I don't talk a lot, I avoid it like the plague
It hurts my senses- I feel the need to over explain
Compensate for empty space

But I spill out nothing good, my lungs are tar
It drags back any word not harsh enough to break free
Like when you lashed out at your parents as a child

The same feeling of regret but also anger like no one understood
A teenage phase that returns in between breaths
And now you've gutted yourself in front of someone you care for

Because no one is pretty on the inside
I showed that I'm nothing more that maggot filled meat
That I am rotten to the core

Oh sweet little Rose, you act as if I hadn't known
For days, for weeks, of your betrayal

The side words of a horror story- he wanted to die
He said the same words to remove layers of clothes
Said those same words to get a track record of assault

That manipulation would finally see justice
Children would be free of adult hands
But you, little Rose, have killed a damning testimony

Returning to a monster, a ******
I knew it would happen- you return to what gives you attention

I want to know when the lies started
You treated him like a bad guy for so long
Were those all words to assure my comfort

Words to make me think it was fine, that my family could sleep
Yet it appears a court order wasn't even enough to do that
The man that haunted my family was 10 feet from my home

And even then I knew
So enjoy the facade of tonight, it will be the last

Everything that lied between us was fiction;
To me I saw Romeo, begged you saw Juliet somewhere in me
Wrong time, wrong tragedy.
Reliable narration has never been a fact of love
I would give myself up to anyone who could find me
Anyone who would notice, listen, care
I couldn't see, so blind
Romeo died long before our tale
I became your nymphet, a toy of a girl
****** was so pitiful, she's the shadow of my soul
And as we uncoil unknown scars awake
I miss your light, I miss your pain
I miss the things you took away

Seeing unknown shadows pass over the window,
Time has become obscure;
If I sleep in here forever, maybe god will send a cure
Something to sooth my soul
Something to give me rest
Make me remember the lines between the living and the dead
So I'll pray, to a god I don't believe in
Say lines that Sunday school made me believe in
Try to find something to believe in
Because my inability to find reality is dragging down my eyelids

As I am embraced by dawns silent approach I remember a time
One which has no thought, no dire grasps for breath

An emptiness which could comfort the dead and sooth the soul
It's tangled waves of a rising sun dance with me

They sing me wordless songs; those of remembrance,
And the bags beneath my eyes sink into shallow graves

It is the time of rest;

He told the lord to lay her to rubble
Let the ground grow with her blood
And to allow the oh so righteous to grasp her body
For it was mans arrogant belief that she was an object
And when the lord attempted to lay waste
The elder gods arose with passion
And claimed the land beneath the living

Speak to me my abomination, let your words cry out
For I am the creator of whatever self remains
And I am the destroyer of that same dissolved self
So speak to me, softly, those dead words
The same ones I buried, each with a part of me
For you are my monster, my mistake
And I am your memory, a lover coated in dead dreams

A goodnight kiss
Sing me a whispered lullaby
Let moonlight be our only cover
And sink with me into slumber
So brief, let our thoughts fade to one
Until our embrace silences the world

Binocular vision
Let me see double
Let me connect with the unseen
A cause for speculation
Question emotions like a lie

I can't read a dead mans face

God I wish for something more
Empower me until said power sours me
Bitter poison, take a bite
Give me a reason for an extra step
I don't care if the stairs lead me no where
I just need something to climb

I'm not in the position to be wasting others time
You see I am simply a being of habit
Let me run, let me soar
The world can't bind expression
So give me something new
Give me more

A dash of color to express
Phase against a monochrome body
I dress in black
Perhaps out of convenience
Or a sign of financial insecurity
My nails are all that sing
Colors that are oh so bold
So light to the touch

My voice is much more hoarse now
Whether from overuse or under-use I can't quite tell
As each word connects, the progression of my voice slowly fades
Like a shouting whisper I return to silence
Breath has become a dire marker in my attitude
Strangely it speaks like that of a slow moving drop despite it all
Calm and quite, as was I, as was the breath

Another 'never again' stems from your lips
As I drip
Drip
Drop
****** nose and feet bound by tired eyes I can't escape
They bind me with a poor mans history
As my body changes its hues
Foundation, layered on so thick
If they ask I'll say it was a love bite-
They'll either get it or they won't
I am just a piece of meat being slowly torn
Please just break the remainder of my flesh

Take a sip
You only need a little more to seep over the edge
A fermented drink, bubbles and fruit
Let a restless sleep take over you

Black out.

Take another glass, take another drink
A little powdered drink made of matter
Dark matter, emptiness just a high purity
Let the alcohol content drive your inability

Inhibited. Like a salted glass.
Your distasteful without a bit of liquor inside you
Breathe too much, too little
The world is never ending

Drink.

Let the caution of a free drink fade
It's just little powder now
A quicker way to embrace a quick slumber
Sacrifice your body for another sip

A lifeless grasp towards the son as I sing in my spiral
A decent; falling
Shattered cliffs and rocks
Let a mountain of earth break my fall
Contemplate and revitalize
Write letters in the air
God will listen in your final embrace

Once again I have become self ruinous
I face atrocities made by my own engineer
Lifeless; like a lovers suicide
Just me and my procrastination by me
We leap
Waves become the earth as we slumber six feet down
Like seafoam
Watch as I collapse and fade with the water

The most beautiful thing is a star just prior to dying
As a final breath it expels fire
Leaves a trail of future galaxies
It cuts scars upon the universe
A legacy that will remain for a millennia
Stars; they are most human when they die

The cracking pain of a bone
A body far too young rises
It aims to the sky as skin tears
It's time to grow up
See beyond the present
Even if you bones shatter
Rise.
Growing pains.

Starting breath with pain
As the lungs revert back to a nocturnal state
Let it slow, let my air return to the night.
Finally a simple sleep
A hush.

Please come back I miss you

Hey Sunshine, please look into my eyes
I'm glad you found someone other then me, please smile
I know things are hard right now, but please don't forget
We'll laugh about it soon.

Sunshine, thank you for being so bright
I knew I couldn't keep your light, please stay alive
I'm sorry I couldn't answer you, I hope you know I'm doing fine
We'll talk about it soon.

Non-existent and non-functional; these digital walls are faux
You can't live through upset motions, triggered by disgust
Create something new, something that will not save you
Something that will make you want to save yourself

Come one, come all, see the resurrection of the self-victimizing *****!
See her weave a noose out of others sorrows!
See her cry wolf before a crowd!
See her grasp to the comfort strangers comments can give!
Yes! Come one, come all, see the destruction of the self-victimizing *****!
See her become the leech she is**.

I got plastic surgery the week following the attack
Give or take, I could complain, I've never looked the same
My eyebrows tend to look... furrowed, like the needles weren't used right
Like the needles didn't need to hurt
Ask me what is pain and I'll tell you it is the removal of a lie
That's it- nothing of negative consequence, simply an unavoidable thing.
They make consequence too complex, over analyze little words until it spells out a disorder.
Treat nonexistence like a nightmare as if anyone would care if you disappeared.
Treat the world like a tragedy, tell yourself that you lied again and you should just die, try to gouge out your eyes before awaking and repeating
Yet why is it wrong to feel self deprecating thoughts

You dragged my corpse through countless sheets
Watched your image projected through my eyes
You took silence as an answer
Practiced vivisection with my thighs
You let shadows over take you, told god you were done
Then continued a cycle that filled a quiet morgue
You watched bodies spill from constant torment
Let a virus loose inside them
You killed all those within your grasp

Re-oxygenate my body
Push air throughout my lungs
Poison the rest of my body, let it soak in my vessels
Break my crumbling bones
Please, understand my needs
There is no cure for cyanide
Let my blood boil;
Allow me to sink into the floor
Let your breath be my last

I enjoy the fact that yelling racist slurs is freedom but worshiping a god you believe in is a terrorist activity

Say no more words, just softly fall asleep
Rain will wash the blood away, you'll finally be porcelain
You'll finally be what you were born to be
Statues always live on in history, these blood stained dolls lost memories
Never to be named, a stone with no dog tags