Pulling a trigger
Is too harsh
Sudden
Fast.
Small meals,
Flushing toilets after,
Should do the trick.
Skinny. Skinny.
**** myself in a different way
Than with a bang,
And I'll creep instead,
I'm proud of ignoring
The hunger
Pounding in my stomach.

I smile through the blood
And laugh with every hit
Smell the ***** on his breath
Won't be the last time yet 
Got scabs on his forearms 
And anger in his eyes 
Throws me around and 
My cracked lips smeared
With his hate coming down in 
Ruby red droplets
He grabs me and hates me 
But I already forgave him
For tomorrows bruises
Long as I don't lose him 
Big as a rock 
Only thing that anchors me
But he is lost in his own sea
I see him drowning in his eyes 
Confusion sweeping over him 
Lays himself down on the couch 
And I flee to our room 
And land on the bed
Feeling skin puff up
Here and and there
Feelings forgotten with each
Band aid,
Will I ever be loved? 
I wipe the blood from my mouth an spit it out, grinning
Big and laughing,
No, no one could ever love
A ****** skinny fool
Like me.

I sit in front of my mirror
And grab at my legs
And at my fat.
I make scissors with my fingers.
"snip snip snip"
I murmur
Then giggle
If only I could
Snip away my thighs
And my stomach,
But that'll never be.

Life 1:
Me and my husband
Will have love
Sprinkled with lust
And trust
And loyalty.
He will be some type of
Hard hat worker
And I'll be the cutesy teacher.
We will have
A dog and five kids
And a big back yard
With a wooden swing set
My hubby set up.
Soft,
Sweet emotions.
The only problem is--
I'm not a soft
Or sweet girl.

What I love
Is falling asleep texting them
And waking up
To see they still said goodnight
Even though they knew
You were asleep.

And my friends don't know
What I'm going through
I just want to fast forward
And make it better
I want a smile on my face
That isn't plastered on
And I hate myself for being
One of THEM, ....
Those poor me im sad
People I love to mock
But here I am
And I feel it
It isn't even sadness
It's pain and sorrow
And I wish my heart felt different
Than it does when it beats inside
My chest
Because it feels off
And it hurts and is sick
And tired of beating
And living.
I want to give up give up
But I can't I have everything
I'm going through
And I hate myself for everything
Because its all my fault
All of it
All my pain and sorrow
Was caused by me!
And I don't know how to fix it.
I picture a blade
Going on my wrist and I feel
My body want it.
I picture taking antidepressants
And I feel my body
Get excited for the blanket
Of gray it could have with it.
I picture a counselor
From god knows where
Who will listen
And hold me when I cry,
And I start to cry when thinking of it.
I picture Mykayla,
Who is always there for me,
But sometimes I jus want her
To wrap her arms around me
And love me
And I want to feel it
Because I alway knew it was there
But I could never receive it.
I want to now.
But now it's too late.
I picture a gun
And a thrill goes through my body
Thinking of the hard metal
At my temple.
I think of the notes I'd have to write
And I think of all the reasons why
But none of them
Could forgive me.
So I guess I will just sit here
And cry
And hurt.
Because I can choose absolutely
None of those solutions.

Two years ago I wrapped my arms
Around my body and
Sang myself to sleep,
When I woke
I woke up to chilly
Air and an empty bed,
No matter the time of year.
Wherever I went, silence followed.
Showers sounded like quiet rain
In the forest,
Eating sounded like an upset dinner table.

Then came you.

Now we sleep sprawled out together
On my full bed and when I wake up
My arms reach for you,
In the morning it sounds like
Laughter and water splashing
And me rinsing your back off.
It sounds like sizzling bacon and
Scrambled eggs. Coffee and orange juice.

Our bedroom always smells like ***
And our cars smell like cigarettes.
Your college notebooks clutter up the
Chairless dining table,
Because we are still too broke to buy chairs.

At night our neighbors hear my voice
Reading to him all the books I think
Are worth reading.

They hear laughter, giggles and *******.

They hear the beginning of a family.

I am not who I used to be
I eat souls
That have fallen for me
I spit them back out
With their ***
As well
I'm heartless
And full of audacity
And stupidity
But I dont care
I have no morals anymore
I take what I can get
And steal even more
I'm hated
And loved
I'm full of regrets
But I'm me
An that's who I ******* am.

mi corazón, mi amor
usted es mi mundo.
el sabor de nuestro amor
es para siempre en mis labios
y en este momento donde miro
en sus grandes ojos azules...
Siento infinito.
<3
Para mi novia

All around me
I find myself
Spinning
In truth
And in lies
I want to scream
stop it!
But then everything might go away.

I don't think either of us can do this anymore
I don't think it's healthy
Or okay
To be with eachother at morning
And someone else during the day

I want to
Take you
Into
My bed.

In the morning I'll leave you
In between the sheets,
A mess of short hair and
Sticky thighs.
Soft sighs.

Your back, broad
And wounded.
You take a shower alone.
You wince under its spray.

You never got my name.
Only heard me whisper yours.
Look for something in my drawers,
In my cabinets.
Find nothing.

Scrawl your number on a piece of paper.

Leave with the hope of me calling you back.

Know, that once you shut that door,
You'll never see or hear of me again.

There is a stranger
In my house
In my room,
And my mirror.
She has fat protruding
From her stomach
And thighs
And wears a worn out look
On her face.
She is covered in blemishes
On her chest,
Back, and arms.
Her teeth are crooked
And her friends desert her,
Bridges slowly being burned,
Possibly to the point of no return.
Yet her lover hangs on her,
Sometimes feeling like a stranger
To herself.
"I cannot save you"
She whispers to her.
She turns to me,
And smiles with crooked teeth,
I cry and cry.
How did she get so comfortable
In my bed?
My couch?
My dinner table?
How did her long swirling hair
Turn into a ragged tangled mess?
Her smooth skin now covered
In marks of flesh growing too fast?
How have I let her do this?

She's so
Perfect
Sublime
I want to eat her up
Make her mine
Let her love me
And love her well
Take her to a fancy restaurant
And give her the world

All those Disney movies
And love stories
Are lies!
The book never ends
With a break up

I close my eyes
And imagine
Of spending
Sunny summer days
With my sweet lover.
With her skin
And kiss
And drinking in her loud happy laugh
Getting drunk off of
****** homemade margaritas
And schnapps.
I imagine smoking
Cigarettes at the
Sliding glass door
And actually inhaling the smoke,
And feeling the burn.
I imagine running
My hands on her bare shoulder
And collarbones,
That look
She gets in her eyes
When I kiss her soft and slow,
And when joined our bodies
Warm and say
*finally, finally, finally.

You listen to loud music
You write about them
Drink too much
Smoke too much
Just trying to get their
**** face out of your head

You read books
And play ****** games
Go and see friends
Just trying to get their
Smile out of your mind.

And no matter what you do
You end up staying up
Too late--
All alone,
Thinking of their face and smile
And what their fingertips look like
You're thinking about
The shape of their eyes
And what their laugh sounds like.
What their lips taste like.

All these memories you wish
You didn't have
Because they aren't good memories
Anymore

******* memories that
Won't go away,
All that happiness and lust and love
Now sit, soured,
In your heart, head, and stomach.

His lips are at my hips
Oh sweet boy
Your tongue will be
My demise

No matter how many times I say her name
It still gets caught in my throat
Still holds insurmountable meaning
It doesn't just become three syllables
It becomes me crying cause I realize it's almost been 5 months since the last time we made love
5 months since the last time we kissed or even truly talked
And she is happy
And I'm still in bed, whispering her name
And hoping it becomes just three
Syll-a-bles.

Don't say you love me
I cannot love you back
I cannot love myself
I cannot catch your fall.

I'm the most ****** up person I know.
I'm worse than the rapists
And the murderers
I'm worse than the paedophiles
And the terrorists.
I make people fall in love with me.
And just when they're snuggled
Into me and my love
I take it away.
And leave them for dead.

The truth is
Always hard to swallow
Like a chip scraping
Down your throat
As your choking

Like inhaling water into
Your lungs

Like taking your fifth
Shot of whiskey

The truth is always
A little hard to swallow

Like swallowing your spit
With that lump in your throat

And once you swallow the truth
It sits in your stomach

Like swallowed cigarette
Smoke

Like swallowed throw up
From the back of your throat

It sits in your stomach
So unpleasantly

You grimace as long as it's there.

I had to physically and
Emotionally rip myself away from you.

I knew you were trouble
In the back of my mind

The first time I said I love you too
You kept on walking
And didn't stop.

The last time I said I love you too...
I can't even remember it.

I remember forcing myself
To date someone else
To stay away from you.

I remember you holding me
A week later as I cried
For the death of our love.

You sat there and I almost kissed you.
Our lips were touching.
But they never puckered.

I could feel her all over you.
It made me sick to my stomach
For months.

I'd get weak, hate my rebound.
Text you.
I don't think you ever knew
How much I needed you.

How much I wasn't over you.

Which is okay. Your rebound
Turned out to be the love of
Your life and your gateway drug.

Have fun dreaming of a better life
And forgetting about anything
Once your mouth connects with
A **** pipe,

You ***** lying selfish *****.

Don't you hate staying up late
When you're all alone
With your thoughts
And your regrets
And you don't have anything to drink
Or anything to smoke
So you just sit there
Laying on your back
Feeling the stray tears
Slide down the sides of your cheeks
And into your ears

She grabs me by my hair
And pushes me face down onto the bed, running her hands
Up and down my thighs and ***,
Grabbing and massaging.

Pull down your pants
She says, eerily calm
So I pull them down
She helps me, then slides her
Hands back up my thighs
And ***.

Slap
I flinch, feeling my
Right cheek tingle
And then suddenly she does
It again.

It becomes a rhythm,
Then she grabs me by
My hair and yanks my head up,
My breathing heavy and
Almost pained

You will say again before
Every time I spank you.
You will say thank you after
Every time I spank you.
Do you understand?
She says, her voice low
And heavy in my ear.
Yes I breathe
Yes What? grabbing
My hair harder
Yes...again I moan
Slap
Thank you
Again
Slap
Thank you
*Again

I want the apple,
I want the snake.
I want my fruitful bite to take.

I want to swallow,
Naked and unashamed.

The juice dribbling down my chin,
Defiance has always been my biggest sin.

He looked at the cuts on my leg and
Quit talking.
I could feel him staring.

Are those because of...her?

I nodded. And felt shame.

Stupid. I know.  I shouldn't have done it. I muttered.

He shook his head, told me
It wasn't stupid.
He smiled.

I've got some pretty gnarly ones too.

He lifted up his shirt and across his left pectoral were three or four deep white scars.

If people ask I just say a dog attacked me or something. Nobody really knows...

I nodded. Understanding.

Later on that night I
Kissed his scars above his heart.
I heard him sigh
And I fell asleep
Wrapped in his arms.

I am a butterfly caught in the rain
A child who swam too far away
I am running with no escape

I did not realize that it was a gene

Passed down from your mother to you, then to me.


Isolation in the form of small fingers wrapped

Around my own,

Stuck inside these four walls

Tiny shrill screams inside a tiny home.


A piece of advice,

Passed down from your mother to you, then to me,

'You should get a TV, it can be good company’

So much swirling in my head
I can't organize it
All my hurt and my happiness
All my love and hate
In vibrant colors stretching and growing
Disappearing and boldly standing out
I don't know what I'm even feeling anymore
How does my life work
I want to get away
And be free
And be normal
My house is desolate
And unhappy
My heart is as ****** up as
The rest of theirs
I just know how to play the part
Of a normal person

These young and new hands
Feel a forever weight of a ring.
They feel the roughness
Of a mans body.
Of clinging to his hand and
Suddenly pop
My hands, one moment squeezing
The living **** out of everything
Is now sweetly caressing
A newborn babe.
I feel my hands hold it
So carefully
And so cautiously,
And that is how
My hands dealt with him
For his life.
When he was sick
I'd rub his tummy
Or hold him
Or hug him
And feel my hands clutch
The safety grip
In the car as I taught him to drive.
Feel my hands holding onto a
Red graduation cap.
Then suddenly
My hands feel a new babe,
And my hands help out
To take care of her.
They would hold her
Until her father
And my son
Took her away into his.
And I feel her grow up
With every hug
And every pat on the knee.
And I'm so busy
Working with my hands
I don't notice them
Until I am failing to
Open a simple bottle for Advil.
I notice them.
And their veins
And their knuckles
And their soft old skin.
I feel their tiredness
And see their old spots.
My hands,
So busy with anything else in this world,
I didn't realize I was
Growing old.

They're so obvious
In their want and desire
Hands itching to *****
And lips longing to kiss
It's unabashed and blunt
Greedy eyes staring
Down your shirt
And you say to yourself
"it's me they want"
Boy after boy
Ad you feel your skin
Become loose
And your hips jutting out
And your smile turn into a smirk
Because they can say
"you're not a *****"
But in their eyes you can see
That word printed
Into their corneas
And pupils
And you know.
Ÿöü know you are a *****.
But so wasted and spent,
You give up,
And let the next boy
With unpracticed hands
And sloppy kisses
Have you.
It's only after that you
Can even feel like crying.

We all say the
Internal pain
Of loss, love, and jealousy
Are unbearable--
Yet we keep them
On our backs every day.
We let them whisper
Things in our ears
And hold our hearts.
We fall asleep thinking of them
Of the loss
Or
Love
Or jealousy.
They are bearable.
Only because they are a part of us,
A part of us that we like to
Say doesn't exist.

I miss screaming and fighting
And kissing in the rain,
Its two am and I'm cursing your name,
I'm so in love that I
Act insane,
And that's the way I loved you.
Were breaking down and coming undone
Its a rollercoaster
Kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel
That much
And that's the way I loved you.

Hey there lonely girl
Did you have to tell your friends
About the way I got you screaming
My name?

I have to wake up
Every day
Knowing
My parents will never see it
The way I see it.
They won't see love
Or hope
Or happiness
They'll see lies
And hate
And "they don't agree with it"
And that hurts
Knowing
I'm unlovable
Because of who I love
It hurts knowing
They won't see her
Beauty and patience
The way I do
They won't be happy for us
On our wedding day
Or anniversaries
Or when we have kids
My family will sigh
And wish it was a boy
And that hurts
So ******* much
You don't know
Until you're in the shoes
And you have lived
A lie
For over a year

They say love is love
But say your sexuality isn't real

They say dress how you want
But say it isn't dressing right

They say
Kissing girls is weird
They say
Don't you miss ****
They say
How can you like that

If there's one thing I learned
About being in love while being young
Is
They
Won't
Stay.
You can go ahead and show them every single part of you and you can make promises of "forever and ever" and you can feel complete in their arms but somehow some way
They
Won't
Stay.
So go ahead. Show them.
Show your "true" lover your scars.
Show them your ugliness inside.
They won't stay.
They never do.

And they move on
Leaving you sitting there
Thinking to yourself
*what did I do wrong?

I remember one time
When we were *******
It was when that new song
"Ride" by SoMo had come out.
So you put it on and took me
Into the living room
And kissed me like you meant it.
We started on the couch
And then went into the kitchen
You bent me in half
Pushed it in
But something was wrong
I dropped to the floor, crying.
"Baby, what's wrong?" You asked,
Gathering me up in your arms.
I couldn't even answer,
I was crying so **** hard.
And it didn't even hurt anymore,
But I couldn't even walk
So we sat down on the couch
And I held you so **** close
And just cried
I haven't ever cried like that
In front of anyone, ever.
You just held me,
Let me cry, let me cry it all out.
To this day,
I still don't know why I was crying,
Or why I was begging you to
Just hold me.

Maybe I knew our end was coming soon
Somehow
In the back of my mind
I knew
Somehow.

I don't know what's so **** poetic
About drinking black coffee
And being depressed
What's so 'sad yet beautiful'
About crying in the rain
Because nothing about the hurt
Is beautiful
It's ******* pain
In your chest.
It's a sick stomach
And it's not eating at all
Or eating too much.

Nothing, nothing
Is poetic about it.
It's not beautiful.

It's ugly.
And it's there.
And it won't ******* leave,
No matter what you
Write about it.

Id rather be ignorant
Than know what happened
In that ******* tent
With that ******* girl.
I'd rather be high
Than remember kissing
Him in his beat up car
And kissing while
Sitting on his lap in Raven's couch.
I'd rather be dead
Than be without her.

Time doesn't do anything
But make you numb
To some of the moments
You felt
The most.

I feel so tired about everything.
Every kiss,
Every laugh,
Every time I blink my eyes
Or take a bite of food.
I feel myself grow weary
With every step
And every movement
Feel myself tire
As a new day dawns.
I know I care
But I can't seem to find it
The only thing I care about
Is other peoples feelings
And I feel selfish and guilty
For ever thinking of myself about anything
And I'm heavy and tired
Every step I take
Is another weight on my back
Sleep.
Sleep sleep sleep,
All I want is to drift
Through time
With closed eyes
And a dead mind

To be honest
I find him
Captivating.
I find his smile beautiful.
His shaved hair wonderful.
To be honest
I always feel like losing it
Around him
And my desperacy lashes out
And strikes him on his face.
God, I like him still.
The only cure for him is distance.

And god
We stayed up until
3 or 4am talking about
Anything,
Me and him.
About family life
And depression,
What to do when we grow up
And how scared we are.
What we are doing day by day
And how afraid we are
Of being the black sheep of our family.
It's like we share each others fears
I can feel it
Like two missing puzzle pieces
On a great big map
One in Alaska
And one in Oregon
But the pull
Oh god,
The pull of us together.

I love you
And I think you’re **** as hell
Tell me how I can fix this,
How to make you laugh like you used to.

I’m sorry that I’m so broken
I had to break you, too
I Carved your scars out to match mine
So I know the tears you cry
Taste just like mine
So I know your wounds won’t heal with time.

Am I making you think you’re nothing,
Like how I think I’m nothing?

Ive already hit rock bottom
Watch me drag you down here with me
We can sit in the dark
And try to make sparks
Then fall asleep cold
And do it all over again

Too many people
With dried tears on their pillows
Too many people 
With big hurt in their hearts
Too many people
Who would rather be beaten up
Than lose another lover.
Too many people
With a quiet mouth
That cannot speak of
Their past 
Too many people
Who keep to themselves
When their mind is racing
Of things that could be.

I want to run away
Back into the seventh grade
I want to lay my head on my mothers lap
And feel her comb her fingers through my hair

I want to go there
To that moment we became friends
That bond we thought could never end
Our youth spent on wanting to grow up

I want to feel complete again
I fear that was the last time I ever did
Time is my worst enemy
I cannot seem to stop it
From forgetting to pick me up,
And move me along with it.

And I feel as if
I want for nothing
And I lust for nobody
And I love nobody
An all this life
And this world
Is just in my head
And I can't grasp
Anything
I can't hold onto anything
How is this real?
How is her touch real?
I don't know,
But something is anchoring me.
But I know I wouldn't be afraid
To pull the trigger
If it was against my temple.
Only thing I would feel was regret,
And if I'm dying,
Who cares?