If I end up
Killing myself
Please oh please
Forget me
I went through the trouble
Of killing myself to forget you.
At least return the favor.

I try to make sense of all these
Things I feel
And why I feel them.
I should sit down
And make a list
Of my feelings
And who or what
Or why or when
I felt them.
Because my head is so full
And my heart is so empty
All I need is a
Pen and some paper
To save me from insanity

Yesterday I felt her
Press against me
And her tongue on mine
And her tongue on my neck
I felt her eyes on mine
And her smile
And we were thinking the same thing
"we shouldnt be doing this"
But my body felt alive
With a yes, yes, yes
It felt alive with every kiss
And every look
It even felt alive when I begged her
Not to kiss her tonight.
Now my body is left
With that image of breakthrough
Rolling in my head
Of the way our fingertips got hot
As they pushed against our skin
It's left me more than dead
It's left me *wanting.

I'm trying to move on,
I promise.
But how can I?
When I still wish to wake up
In her arms?
How can I when I want to
Jump on her and kiss her
And yell "wake up wake up!"
And spend the day laughing loudly
And kissing and cuddling.
I cannot move on.
Not when I still miss her so much.

Her fingers pressing against
My hips
Pushing searching
Sweet taste in my mouth
Tongues playing
A game they know all too well
Shirt shoes jeans all off
Just me and her
Our skin hot and our breath
Ragged
But we drink each other in
And smile at our nakedness
The beauty of it all
Still amazes me
And I am in awe
As my fingertips dance across her
Naked shoulder
And waist
To pull her neck close
For a sensual kiss

I miss you. But you are not here. I cannot talk to you, I don't trust myself. I wish you would look at this. I wish you'd read these stupid poems about you, and understand what this hell is like for me. Because I don't think you do understand. And I have a feeling you have moved on to whoever or whatever, but I haven't. Mother washed that white jacket that smelled like you, the last thing that did. When I breathed it in I cried, because it didn't smell like I was walking into your house. I miss you. I miss being intimate with you. I miss that look in your eyes, that tentative intensity. I just want to look at you and see it one last time. Kiss your lips one last time.

I have a right to be unhappy.
I'm not complaining
Or being rude.
I'm just upset.
Maybe I shouldn't even be upset.
Maybe I'm being too ungrateful
Because my sixteenth birthday
Is a ******* joke.
Happy sweet sixteen, Lindsey.
Oh, by the way,
All that stuff I promised?
Yeah, it's not happening.
Hope you don't mind I told you
Two days in advance.

Whatever.

I light a candle
But he lights a blunt
Five bowls in a row
Breathe in breathe out
this is what relaxing is about

Kiss the smoke off his lungs
As his tongue rolls
Down your neck and collarbone
Breathe in breathe out
This is what a "fun time" is about

So let's get drunk
Off each others laughter
And kiss by the light of the moon
Let's roll in a meadow
And I'll even let you
**** a spider for me cause I'm scared
You'll pull out a couple of beers
And open them
Wink at me and take a big drink
I'll giggle at your silliness
Because a beer doesn't do anything
But it'll stay "our little secret"
Cause my parents wouldn't approve
And at the end of the night
We will have those three little words
Hanging at the tips of our lips
I
love
you.

Sweet and sticky
Soft and cinnamon
Yes yes
**** another cute ******
Wake up to a cinnamon roll.
Yes yes
Bitter and slick
Hard and sugary
Yes yes
**** another hot guy
Wake him up with your cinnamon roll.
Yes yes

And you cry
And cry
And lay there
After
Suddenly you feel nauseated
And sick
You want to run to the bathroom
And heave and heave
But you realize you only feel this way
Because you miss her.

While she is off driving
To god knows where
I am at home crying
Wishing I could be there.

God,
I don't even know if I can
Say I love you anymore.
I think if I do,
It will come out
As an unsure question.
I used to say it all the time.
All the ******* time.

Who knew that for us
"forever and ever"
Was only a year and a half.

You know you're still in love
When you have your jacket
And the last person that wore it was them
So you smell it,
With every breath you take
You cry
For some odd reason,
And you don't want to ever
wear it again,
Never zip it up again.
Because the last person that did it
Was them.
And it feels like you still have
A tiny part of them with you.

We all want to be loved
By ones we couldn't care for
We all want to be hated
By the ones we don't bother with
We all want to be wanted
By our first true love
But we are loved by the wronged
And hated by our true love,
And the ones we don't bother with
Don't bother with us either.

Quiet house
A cry from the other room
It gets louder and louder
           I stay quiet
Listening to the criers grief
And my mother rushes in and
          Looks at me
The sound dies out slowly
I can't believe it...
           The crier was me.

God, I'm
******* sorry, okay?
I didnt know
You'd hate me talking
About my almost nonexistent
Love life since you're gone.
Maybe somewhere
In my warped little brain
I thought you'd be relieved
I wasn't ******* around
Like you had worried.
I guess I can't do anything right.

In all honesty,
I think he is a
Sad, sad man.

Who knew I'd be so bitter? I should be happy for her, but all I feel is a strange and sour taste in my mouth. She is doin amazing. Amazing.
It makes me feel like I've been holding back.
Like I'm the one who has stopped her from doing these great things.
God, she works out. She has kissed somebody else. Now somebody knows what it feels like to have her wonderful lips against yours.

She is coming tomorrow,
In her brand new car.
I'm nervous.
What if I look at her
And her big blue eyes
And long eyelashes
And smile
And the way she walks
And what if I cry
Because I realize
None of that is mine
What if when I look at her
All I see is death;
Our love,
Our forever.

I crack my eyes open
At 12 pm
To see a dark room
I lay there for an hour
Then spend my energy
Going downstairs
And sitting on the couch.
I take my daily Iron pill
But my mother knows
That an iron deficiency
Isn't what keeps me in bed.
I eat a little
And climb bak into bed.
I read,
I draw, I write.
I message him.
Sunny Summer Days?
My ***.

We aren't even dating
We've talked for a whopping
11 days
And last night he said
Some pretty ******* serious things
And I asked him about
It this morning
And now I'm crying
Because he didnt mean it last night
God I'm so stupid
It's not like I love him.
It feels weird typing him.
I catch myself all the time
Wanting to put her
Instead.

I can tell in the way
He writes his words
And waits for me to message him first
It's in the way he's liked me
Since 7th grade
And how after 8th
He never kept the chase.
i don't want to lose you
Only ten days in
And that's his desperate cry
im right here
I say, and imagine
His head in my lap
And me stroking
His hair and I see what he is--
Lost and broken,
Unsure of me.
His only worry
Is that I'll forever leave.

He sits there with
A bitter half empty bottle
Pressed loosely to his lips
His phone feels strange in his hands
And all the bravado is washed away
Truth after truth
He spills to me
I never knew one could have
So much self hate
Why do I always fall for
The ones I want to save

I'm worried
She thinks I don't care
That I've simply moved on
When I feel tears at the back
Of my eyes all the time.
I don't go out much,
Too busy in my room
Losing myself to
Endless stories.
I'm worried
She is already over me
In a way,
When all her smiley faces
Make my stomach turn up
And down.
God I'm so worried
She will hate me
And think I'm a monster
Because if she did
I'd believe her.

And god
We stayed up until
3 or 4am talking about
Anything,
Me and him.
About family life
And depression,
What to do when we grow up
And how scared we are.
What we are doing day by day
And how afraid we are
Of being the black sheep of our family.
It's like we share each others fears
I can feel it
Like two missing puzzle pieces
On a great big map
One in Alaska
And one in Oregon
But the pull
Oh god,
The pull of us together.

Me: yeah, it's be fun while it lasted.
him: fun? It would be unforgettable.

Small glances
Texts
And almost romances.
We were lovers from afar.
Were.
Now it's second chances
Long phone calls
And a promising romance.
I want it all.
Now it's
Yes I would run away with you
I want to--
But.
My family..
And that surprised me.
He would?
him?

I wonder if you will ever look at my hello poetry page again. If you'll see my letters to you and smile, or look at the word him and grit your teeth. I can't say I miss you, because I shut it down when that sick missing feeling creeps up my throat. I haven't cried over you at all today, which is a small victory. I'm nervous to see you, because I don't know if I'll be able to restrain myself from kissing you and holding onto you. I don't want to. At least this way I can pretend you're gone on a trip, but after I see you I can't. Im dreading the awkward silence and uncomfortable words pushing through our teeth as a means of politeness. I don't want to remember our last time seeing eacother like that. Can't it stay as us sitting on ravens kitchen floor, laughing and kissing and kissing and kissing?
I'm not ready to move on.

How do you do it?
Sit in bed with the poster
Of Ariel I colored
And labeled
'to my Disney princess'
I wonder if you looked at it
And hated it and tore it down.
How do you look at your bed
And see my blanket I gave you
Saying "relax"?
I wonder if you laughed a little
At that word, because
You couldn't relax to save your life.
How do you go in your bathroom
And see my pink hair straightener?
I wonder if it made you cry
Because memories of me straightening
Your hair for you and
Getting distracted and kissing you
Were too much to handle...
How do you do it?

I wish I could go back in time
And save you from my mess
I wish I never hurt you
With my actions or my words
You wouldn't have to deal with
My 3am cruelty
Or my sorrowful sobs
For no reason
You'd never go on that rollercoaster
But somehow
I've convinced you
It was worth it

I'm sorry.
There, it is said.
I'm wrong.
You're right.

She says
I don't deserve anybody
And a part of me believes her
I've been mean
I've let people down
I've cheated and lied
To the one I've loved
Im a monster
Wrapped in fair skin
And long blond hair
I'm a monster
With a sweet laugh
And shyness
I'm a monster
Who doesn't care
I'm a monster

I am afraid
I am the reason
People have problems
With trust and love--
But baby
Promise me
I can't scare you away
Cause I need to drink your words in
I need to feel you
Need me

What is depression?
I could have sworn
My depression was seasonal
It only came with the snow
And the cold.
But the grass is green
And the sun is warm
But my heart
Feels like it isn't even there
My hands don't feel like they're mine
My head is a blank page
I don't really talk to anybody
Except him.
He is good.
But it feels as if I have no friends.

Look at the ground
Keep your head down
Hands in your lap
And either a
"yes" or "I'm sorry"
Sitting on your lips
Listen to her words
She is your mother after all
She loovves you right?
Ignore the smart *** way
She tells you how she knows it
Better than you
Knows love better than you
Take it take it in
Cause if you don't
She can take it all away

There was so much to hope for
To look forward to
To dream of and smile at.
God it just got crushed so badly.
No more us
Anymore. No more
"sunny summer days".
No more anniversaries
Or birthdays spent together,
No bike riding
No hope no us
It's all gone
Gone gone.

Heartbroken and silent
Asking why me
I miss her smell and smile
Her caress and kiss
I miss her laugh
And even her cough
I miss her shoulder
And collarbones
Her hips and stomach
I long for the feel of her skin on mine
I just ******* miss her
So ******* much

You are my best distraction
Sweet honest Austin
With your hair
And those eyes
So good
So nice
But when the lights are turned off
And we have said our
Goodnights
I still bury my face in my pillow
And let out long wailing cries
Cause you can't really fix me
I long for my true makers hands
But fear keeps me at bay
I guess I'm forced to go
The straighter and conservative
Way.

I haven't talked to her in two days
I miss her like crazy
Im drowning myself
In his affection
And crying like hell
When I wake up
I want her.
I want her to be mine
And she wants me
But my parents...
I'll never move on.
I'll never forget waking up
And kissing her
In her arms
And still sleepy.
She is perfect
In every single way
How can I be friends
With her when out history is too much?
It's all at an end.
No more new memories to make
Just hurt.
It's over.
Forever.

I have to wake up
Every day
Knowing
My parents will never see it
The way I see it.
They won't see love
Or hope
Or happiness
They'll see lies
And hate
And "they don't agree with it"
And that hurts
Knowing
I'm unlovable
Because of who I love
It hurts knowing
They won't see her
Beauty and patience
The way I do
They won't be happy for us
On our wedding day
Or anniversaries
Or when we have kids
My family will sigh
And wish it was a boy
And that hurts
So ******* much
You don't know
Until you're in the shoes
And you have lived
A lie
For over a year

I close my eyes
And imagine
Of spending
Sunny summer days
With my sweet lover.
With her skin
And kiss
And drinking in her loud happy laugh
Getting drunk off of
****** homemade margaritas
And schnapps.
I imagine smoking
Cigarettes at the
Sliding glass door
And actually inhaling the smoke,
And feeling the burn.
I imagine running
My hands on her bare shoulder
And collarbones,
That look
She gets in her eyes
When I kiss her soft and slow,
And when joined our bodies
Warm and say
*finally, finally, finally.

Today my once best friend
Asked me to take a picture
Of her and her friends.
I didn't.
Today I went shopping
And into the dressing room--
Not one out of 10 items fit.
Size twelve?
TWELVE????
No. That can't be. Not me.
But then again, I never thought
My best friend would shun me like that.

There is a stranger
In my house
In my room,
And my mirror.
She has fat protruding
From her stomach
And thighs
And wears a worn out look
On her face.
She is covered in blemishes
On her chest,
Back, and arms.
Her teeth are crooked
And her friends desert her,
Bridges slowly being burned,
Possibly to the point of no return.
Yet her lover hangs on her,
Sometimes feeling like a stranger
To herself.
"I cannot save you"
She whispers to her.
She turns to me,
And smiles with crooked teeth,
I cry and cry.
How did she get so comfortable
In my bed?
My couch?
My dinner table?
How did her long swirling hair
Turn into a ragged tangled mess?
Her smooth skin now covered
In marks of flesh growing too fast?
How have I let her do this?

I never thought I
Would have a miracle happen to me.
Never could a miracle
Such as amazing and awesome
As her happen to me.
But... It did.
And I thank god every day because--
I get to be hers and she gets to be mine
And she loves me,
She loves me!
And she tolerates me,
My body and my flaws, my mistakes.
She takes them stride by stride
Every day and for that I thank
My beautiful Disney princess miracle
For staying with me through
My ******* for one year and three months.
I love you baby. ❤️❤️

God I know I'm not fat
But I can feel it squish out of my
******* jeans
And my stretch marks run down my thighs
And up my waist
I don't understand
I'm not horribly fat
My stomach slithers and droops
Out of my jeans
So squishy squashy
I hate it I hate it
I hate being fat
No more fat fat fat

I have found a way
To hurt myself
Without making
One slice of skin
With a pretty razor.
Instead I say no to
Lunch and breakfast.
The pain in my stomach
Is almost comforting now.
I go home
Have a snack
And eat a small dinner
And I love that hunger
That physical want towards life
It sobers me a little,
Makes me lose a little,
Makes me seem real.
But nowadays
Nothing seems as real as
My growling stomach.

Pulling a trigger
Is too harsh
Sudden
Fast.
Small meals,
Flushing toilets after,
Should do the trick.
Skinny. Skinny.
**** myself in a different way
Than with a bang,
And I'll creep instead,
I'm proud of ignoring
The hunger
Pounding in my stomach.

I want to pull the trigger
Swallow the bottle
And cut a little deeper.
I don't want to be on earth.
But I don't want to be in
Heaven or hell either.
I just want to be gone gone gone.
Stuck in an
eternal dreamless Sleep
With nobody
And nothing