The token of emotions
laid bare upon
the tongue of my
ineptitude
plague the awkward
days of youth
when all are thrown
to the lions of love
to be devoured
. . . do any survive ?

Love ?
Does she give you time for questions before pulling you under ?

shirtless screaming through
the heartland and I used
to smoke cigarettes
too.

she never wanted
to stay: the youth
she had
left demanded it.
now, I'll wager
she's somewhere
in an apartment with
some dandy that
wears sweater vests
to Thanksgiving dinner.

maybe she thinks
about me and my little
twisted heart every
now and again:
like when she's away
from the sweater vest
on the toilet
behind a locked door,
"be right out, babe!"
or toting groceries
through a parking lot
to her car,
or signaling a
left turn before
changing her mind
and deciding to
go straight instead.

and
maybe I need to
stop thinking
about her
especially after
three years
incommunicado

but what can I say?
I've never slept on
a bed of nails
I couldn't
dream on.

She said "I'm falling in love."

I said "I'm falling apart."

i don’t want to go to sleep
i’m afraid of closing my eyes
and never wanting to open them again

Sleep my beloved, upon the field of stars.
    Ardent and bright, in the nothingness that awaits.
______________
I hear your whispers upon my heart,
   I hear its beating in response,
     I laugh and I cry at the same time,
         in this pleasure grief but endures,
             but my happiness lasts unchanged
______________
Sleep my beloved, hear my lullaby.
in the nothingness of the cosmos, paint me a sign upon constellations
-Towards our future meeting,
     unaware, we are already there
        for in you my soul dies,
              and my heart sleeps.

Exiled to dusk,
Fractions of the sun
Begin to lift away,
In concealment
We shudder,
Casting our reels
Into a pond of uncertainty,
Clock hands bend
With advancing shadow,
And speak of time
Only in past tense.

I so want everything
I ever felt for you
Preserved for posterity,
Even should forever
Be far less than
We imagined.

today, I chose to unmake the memories
I untangled your hands from around my heart and set it back into my chest
this looks like forgetting but it’s not
it’s more than that
it’s erasing the lines of warmth I’ve penciled in over the hurt
I’ve stopped pouring sugar over the unsatisfaction
and started remembering us correctly
you see, I cannot recall myself stronger, less of a coward
when I was unwilling to rock a sinking boat
I must erase the imagined version of us where you knew exactly what I wanted
because I told you
the truth is, you cannot iron out the heartache without ruining the lies
it is impossible to handpick only the good memories
you cannot invent a fullness where there was something empty
so,
today, I chose to see the truth
to see all of our failures and shortcomings unredacted
and come out unscathed despite it

In a mess, I awake to the feeling
I didn’t do it,
so I puke and I crawl and I drink
just to do it all again.
At night, I am needlessly obsessive in
wasting time,
only maudlin with alcohol stained tears
alone in a bathroom stall.
In the harsh darkness, my shadow falls
to its knees
reckless and voluntarily debauched
can’t stop the sins from slipping out.
At times, I have discovered myself
to be obscene
so I scream instead of honeyed whispering
begging for the familiar collapse.
Crazed, I shake my hair out and leave
before you notice,
walking like a shameless heretic
to find the next version of myself.
For a moment, I twist and turn sour
in your mouth,
and if you thought kissing me would save me,
you were wrong.

I'm not sure if my heart is still in there somewhere
Or if maybe it's vacationing.

It would be nice to get a postcard.