The night I had her was the night I lost her
Our first night, was our last night
It was I who ended it the first time
I did the unthinkable
I chose my happiness over hers
I chose dreams
But now I was looking for a second chance
Oh, but she had other plans,
This wasn't a new beginning, but a final end
For the record, she was one of the best
And I pushed her away
And second chances don't always work
Especially one sided ones
But I'm an optimistic when it comes to unrealistic hopes
To me, her yes meant more than just a date
To me, it meant she saw me as more than a once upon a time
And for once, I was ready to make the jump again

Dinner was cordial, but the messages were clear
We were both hungry, and not for the food
I took the check and we hit the road
But where to go?
Destiny, it seems wanted us to dance
My phone began to tickle my pants
A friend close by
"Drinks and games tonight?"
I looked in her eyes, they lit up with delight
"Let's have a few, and have some fun"
I hit the gas like an action movie
We flew through the polite introductions
And the beer began to flow
By round three I couldn't keep my hands off her
And she seemed not to mind
By midnight we were covered in smiles
Dancing and touching beneath the spotlight of the old suburban garage
She breathed her breath into mine
Pulled me close and whispered
"Let's get out of here,"
The goodbyes were quick as we ran for the door,
Plowed through the snow and dove into the car
As the Chevy warmed up, so too did we
Our hands and lips protected each other from the cold
I readied the car to leave, but she stopped me cold
and cooked me in her arms
"Take your pants off, NOW"

The hotel light flickers "Vacancy" on and off,
And I'm like, "I feel you"
In more ways than one
Like my head
Some days it's filled to the brim
With fascinating ideas and inspiration
And some days?
Nobody's home.
Like my heart
Some days it glows with a welcoming light that burns fierce and screams
"I wish to love!"
And other days it's vacant, empty,
Broken and neglected.
Like my dreams
That can bring light to the darkest of places
But other times are inaccessible,
Bleak and busted
Like my friends
Who can be a guiding beacon
Through my darkest moments
But they can also leave me out in the cold
Like my good days
When there's always somewhere to go
When nothing is impossible
Like my bad days
When the world turns on me
And tells me I don't belong here
Like that flickering "Vacancy" sign
Some days not even the darkness can enslave you
And other days
You're on your own.

Love, real love, makes absolutely no sense.
How sensible can it be that this one person,
one in seven billion, can just show up out of ******* nowhere,
shatter everything you believe in,
change your entire outlook on life,
and reduce you to a child, just by existing?
How can this one person render everything before them meaningless,
and then resurrect you into the holiest,
happiest time of your life?
Your food tastes better,
music sounds sweeter,
and every minute with them feels like a dream world
on another planet...
How can that be?
And worse, how is it when they're gone,
the very color seems to be ****** from the Earth?
Where the Hell is the science to that?
How can that make sense?
Maybe that's why it's so addictive, maybe that's why it hurts so much,
because it defies the very fabric of reality,
it spits in the faces of scientific reason,
it rewrites the books of psychology.
Maybe that's why whether we feel it or not,
we are fascinated by it.
No matter how many religions are debunked,
no matter how many urban legends are solved,
or how many magic tricks are explained,
there is still absolutely no control over true love.
You can't protect, control, or fight it.
Love is as fulfilling as it is violating.
Love is a pill that takes all your pain away,
but comes with so many side effects,
you wonder if it really works.
Love is a roulette wheel where anything red is jackpot,
but anything black is death,
and it spins everyday.
Love will extend your life.
Love will **** you early.
Love is War.
War is a drug.

In school, "******" was as bad as "*****"
It had been raining, I had been heart broken
The night was cold, it was almost Fall
My birthday was in the Fall, soon I'd be seventeen
I'd be seventeen, and still a ******
I may have broke it off, but she's the one who ended it
I may have been dumb, but she was unfaithful
Thus I ran, and dove into her arms
I knew she was older, she knew I was younger
She was lonely, looking for fun
I was lost, looking for a new rush
My face was red, I had been drinking
Her lips were red, she had been hunting
I found a corner to hide, but she smelled blood
Her eyes drilled into mine, she licked her lips and breathed fire
My legs started to shake, my lips started to quiver
She came like a viper, she slithered toward me
Hypnotized by her hips, my mouth watered at her *******
She sat on my lap, and looked me up and down
"You looked lonely," she said, "I think you're cute."
Boy was I, lonely that is, she took my beer and took a sip
Her perfume smelled like fruit, her breath smelled like candy
The warmth from her legs met mine, and my cheeks turned the color of her lips
My heart was dancing, her eyes were twinkling
She took me prisoner, and dragged me upstairs
She slammed the door and sealed my fate
Her smile was devious, her smell so sweet
Her hands on my belt, her tongue on my teeth
She kidnapped me beneath the sheets, she made me her prisoner of war
And I waved the red flag, I was ready for war
I wanted war, I wanted you
I wanted her, I wanted it, I wanted the badge
She dug her nails in my skin, I dug my teeth into hers
Our clothes took themselves off, her thong was black lace
She devoured me, I penetrated her
We danced, we kissed, we wrestled and sang
... And then it was over
It was over in twenty minutes
This veil of innocence that we chastised
That we mock and rush to throw away
Is so easily thrown away
But those twenty minutes were amazing, although I probably wasn't
She knew it was my first time, she called me out
"You're a ******," she said, "Don't tell me you're not."
Embarrassed I countered, "I'm also not eighteen."
She gasped in horror, and stormed out of the room
In her speed to grab her clothes, she'd forgotten to tell me her name
And to this day, I still don't know it.

I know I did this to myself
I know the blood on my knuckles matches the blood on my face
I don't wanna be hurt, so I hurt myself instead, I know,
It doesn't make sense to me either, and so,
I blame the boy in the mirror
and pass judgement on the man in the glass,
I'll blame myself before I blame myself
because only I can do this to myself
I'm a 29 year old catch 22 with a vendetta for a better life
Acting like I can't find the Sun when it's my own clouds
keeping me in the dark, I'm my own nemesis,
I'm playing as Bond and Trevelyan
I broke my own controller
Knifed my own tires on the way to LA
I ask, "Am I cursed?!", but I denied the blessings
I have no one to blame but myself
So I punish myself for blaming myself,
for the foolish things I do to myself
I know you're getting tired of my *******, so am I
So I'm hoping my wings will grow back on their own
I'll rebuild the throne and make it my own, and this time
I won't cover it with my own blood
I won't make excuses for my excuses
I'll pull myself from my own Hell
I'll beat the **** out of myself if I have to, but I won't let you down
Or I'll put myself down
Does that make sense to you?
Me either.
I know you see me as the hero,
It's all I've ever craved,
But did I set the bar too high?
Have I left myself depraved?
Have I just figured out why I cant write out my own story?
Have I killed all my heroes hunting down my demons?
Is this why story book heroes never last long in the real world?

I spent Easter at Denny's.
It was 11 at night.
It was crowded and noisy, a baby was screaming.
There was a fly in my water, it tasted metallic.
I drank half of it.
Across from me was a table filled with adolescent boys and girls,
they were laughing at their own faces.
Next to me was a pair of kids, one of whom was freaking out.
"I can't sit here! I need to move! I don't feel safe here!"
They moved.
A pair of rugged, poorly dressed Mexicans took their place.
One sipped ten single serving creamer cups before his decaf
coffee arrived, where he added three more.
The other kept looking at me, and shaking his head.
I got the jalapeno Grand Slam.
There was nothing Grand about it.
The eggs were cold and the taste of jalapeno gave me a headache.
The whole place smelled like loneliness.
The whole place felt smelly.
I haven't been back since.

You said, "The key to happiness is self preservation."
I don't think you know what happiness means.

Clearly, you've never kissed in the freezing rain.
Clearly you've never had *** in a stranger's pool in the middle of the night.
You've probably never had a midnight snowball fight without gloves or a jacket.
There's no way you've ever been on a roller coaster.
You've obviously never taken a punch for a friend.
I'll bet you've never taken the blame for something you're little sister did.
I'm sure you've never gone bike riding through a lightning storm.
And you've most certainly never been in love,
Or moved to a new city with nothing but a suitcase.
Or enlisted in the military.
Or driven into a terrifying part of town to rescue a drunk cousin.
Or committed a serious crime, or deployed a school prank.
Or road tripped to a college and gotten stupid drunk.
Or played tackle football on Thanksgiving with your older cousin's friends.
And you've **** sure never snuck out into the night,
or jumped into a fight for one of your friends.
And something tells me you know nothing of signing your life away for a cause greater than your own.
Have you ever gone paint balling? Or white water rafting?
Rock climbing? Street racing?
Have you ever played with fireworks?
Or shared a meal with a homeless person?
Didn't think so.
Have you ever played truth or dare? Probably not.
You've never quit your job to pursue a dream,
you've never rolled the dice of fate, knowing death could be as probable as life.
And you **** sure have never willingly given your self fully to another, to do with whatever they please, because without them you'll never be whole again.
And there's no way in Hell you've ever begged out into the darkness to trade your life with a family members, wishing to take their pain away and wear it like a trophy so they can be happy again.

You see, the key to HAPPINESS is LIFE.
The key to LIFE is being ALIVE.
And the preservation of the moments, and people that make you feel alive, that remind you how precious and beautiful being alive is.
And in order to feel alive, sometimes you have to put your life on the line, and live a little dangerously.
Sometimes that means not knowing where your life is gonna go.
Sometimes it means preserving someone else's life before you're own.
Because happiness is knowing your life is worth living.
Save your preservation for when you're dead.
By then it won't matter anyways.
But hey, what do I know?
You'll be a perfect corpse some day. Way prettier than mine.

They said just one, and you'll fly,
Free forever, never to die,
A little dust, and into the sky,
Second to the right, straight on all night.
There you'll find freedom, there you'll find life,
Never to age, never to cry.

But all my happy thoughts flew away.
Now I'm just lost,
Still acting like a little boy, still running from pirates.

Know why they call it Neverland?
Because it's never coming back.
It was never there at all,
And it never will be.

Wendy started nursing school,
The Captain died from cancer,
The Boys left town, the pirates retired,
The fun is over, the thrill is gone.
John's a lawyer, Michael's a drunk,
Tinker bell's taking selfies from her new Mercedes,
The crocodile's chewing the fat off tourists in his nature preserve.

You know why they call it Neverland?
Because you never should have left.
Now we're all just shadows.
We grew up, when we swore we'd rather die.
They caught me, now I'm just a shadow.
They made me a man.

Your yelling makes my heart hurt. How dare you use that L word.
I know what it really looks like, what it really feels like.
You don't have it. You don't understand it.
Yet you dare to use that word. You dare to call it real.
The real thing isn't selfish.The real thing doesn't lie.
It doesn't yell in the middle of the night, it doesn't point fingers.
It doesn't treat people the way you treat each other.
Sure, it's not perfect. It hurts, and it destroys.
But it's real. How dare you call it real.
You, who lie and cheat and steal.
HOW DARE YOU USE THAT WORD.
You give it a bad name.
You're the reason people are afraid of it.
You should be ashamed.
It should be a crime for people like you to use that word.
Your lying makes my head hurt.
You speak of it like it's an agreement. Some sick selfish
contract with clauses and guidelines.
People like you try to destroy the meaning of the word.
You have no right to even whisper it.
You'll never understand it. Good, you don't deserve to.
It's not meant for people like you.
You're too selfish. You're too sick.
You're selfishness makes my stomach churn.
You don't even know the language. It's not meant for you.
I know it's not perfect. I know it's painful.
I've tasted it, and I've burnt my tongue.
But I don't speak ill of it.
I know it's better to have never had it.
I know how much it hurts.
But at least I've been there. How dare you say it out loud.
You never had it, you never will. It's not meant for you.
Your "Love" makes me sick.

She was a heroine heroine.
Smoking words and drinking verse with her
was a toxic antidote for love.
Love was her favorite ***** word.
She puked it out every night
because she knew I'd clean it up in front of all of them.

I peeled off the warning labels,
I laughed at the specialists.
I ignored the side effects.
I silenced the naysayers.
I wanted a dose, I needed it.

She loved the lightning but hated the rain.
I wanted someone to hold hands with.
She loved the fire but hated the ashes.
I wanted a "baby, it's our song" kind of girl.
She wanted the blast without the fallout.
I wanted the flame without the burn.
She was a firecracker dipped in gasoline.
I was a fairy tale without the hero.
She never learned.
I never learned.

You hold her, but only for a moment.
You're not bold enough to stomach her venom.
You light two, give one to her,
and she blows smoke in your eyes.
But it's never her fault,
they made her this way, she says.

She likes to be neck deep in the drama,
her scabs and scars are a life's work of trophies.

Even if I could turn back time? It wouldn't matter
We both knew from the get go which one of us would let go.
You broke at the slightest sign of me.
I was too human for you.
I was too real for you.

All I wanted to see was her, all I wanted to drink was her.
Smother me in poison if you must.
I'll take the burn, the hurt, the pain,
I took it all for you.
I fell for you, and they laughed at both of us,
but louder at me.

She breathed fire from too many liars' kisses.
Inhaled my soul as I choked on your "love"
I begged you for seconds as you "loved" someone else.

Still don't know if I'm running to or running from.
I hitched a plane West, for a dream I fear is already dead.
For what I thought I saw is already gone.
Thought I saw tomorrow, but it was a lie.
Thought I saw a better future, but I was blind.
Painting dreams on the insides of my eyelids.
I had years to plan, but instead I landed like a refugee,
with lint in my pockets and tears in my eyes.
Running from phantoms, the very phantoms,
I need to survive.
Wishing for the very things that will be the very death of me.
So many dreams across my eyelids, I painted them shut.
I dreamt myself blind.
Bankrupted my future with delusions of grandeur.
Threw away my present, because I thought the present didn't matter.
"The future will set me free", I boasted.
But what happens when you outrun tomorrow?
And the money's gone, and everyone else has moved on?
Everyone except you, of course.
You pushed your friends away,
ignored your family's pleas,
I thought, "The future will solve my problems."
Why did I throw all my friends away,
knowing how hard it is for me to make friends?
Because I believed too much in Tomorrow.
I believed, but I didn't prepare.
I rolled the dice, but forgot to bet.
I built the house, but never laid the concrete.
And now Today is Tomorrow, and Tomorrow is Today.
And now I'm all alone, trapped on another planet, so far from home.
I'm at a Crossroads, and there is no safe route.
There is no less traveled, there is no less wild.
I am what I always wanted to be.
Alone.

I am emotional, but I am fearless
I am stronger among the pack,
yet I prefer to be on my own path
Sometimes I am the swift hunter,
sometimes I am the cowardly scavenger
I can be loud and ferocious,
I can be quiet and submissive
If I wish, I can make my presence known in an instant,
or I may stay invisible.
I avoid conflict when I can, yet I am fiercely territorial
By day I am the lazy dog,
at night I am the vicious predator
I am your best friend, I am your worst nightmare
I'm not always a monster, but I will **** for what I love
It is possible to discipline me, but its no easy task
And you'll never take the wild out of me
My soft fur hides my fangs
I am the Wolf

I'd like to believe they're up there watching me,
But then I'd have to believe in something I don't.
In fact, so would they, which I **** well know they didn't.
So if it is real,
Would I even wanna go?
Is your paradise mine?
Nope.
And why should I fear your apocalypse?
I don't believe in it.
Therefore I should not be judged for it.
And if your God made me? In his image?
Then I'd imagine he'd agree with me.

She was a flower in a field of glass,
but her thorns were sharper still.
If you held her for too long you started to bleed.
Yet I couldn't let her go.
The pain was too sweet.
She had emeralds for eyes.
The curves of her stem were perfect.
But her roots were too deep in the glass.
Her pedals were sweet smelling,
but her leaves were razor sharp.
Her scent was a beautiful poison,
her colors were bright and exotic.
She was dangerous, and I loved it.
Beneath the glass was concrete.
The city was her home.
She bloomed beneath the bright lights.
She yearned to grow wild and free,
she wanted to sprout among the other flowers,
but she poisoned them all,
and her roots could not escape the pain.
In the glass were mounds of bones,
of those who held her too long.
Their blood helped her grow,
but also made her poisonous.
I long to taste her again,
yet I know she'll never taste the same.
The scars on my hand will never heal.
And I don't want them to.

Beware the Quiet Ones.

The Quiet Ones are the Thinkers
The Quiet Ones are the Dreamers
They’re the heart seekers, thrill lovers, and love givers
They’re the heart breakers, story makers, and life changers
The best heroes, the worst villains, the most notorious saints and sinners
Their hearts and minds are largest of all (But they’ll never control them)

Beware the Quiet Ones, because it’s Always the Quiet Ones.

The Quiet Ones will always listen, even when you won’t do the same
They’ll break your comfort zone, just to make you comfortable
They’ll never ask for favors or a shoulder to cry on
But they will always be there, hanging on every word and tear
They’ll sell their souls to save yours, sacrifice their minds to break yours
They’re the strongest, and the most broken.

The Quiet Ones don’t like to harm you, because they know too well how it feels... but don’t you hurt them.
They’ll always forgive and never forget, and they know how to aim for the heart
All they know is the past, and vengeance is their greatest weapon.
That’s why it’s always the Quiet Ones.
Whether the key to your heart or your greatest fear? The Quiet Ones will find it – Beware the Quiet Ones.

The Quiet Ones are the first to stand up, and the last to point the finger
They’ll stand up for anything, because they have nothing to lose.
They are the champions of love and hate, and if you hate to love them, or love to hate them?
That was their plan all along.
Your deepest plots or darkest secrets? The Quiet Ones knew all along. They’re four steps ahead of you – Beware the Quiet Ones.

They’ll never put you down, but believe they know how, because the Quiet Ones see EVERYTHING
They know what you did, they heard what you said - they were there
Their depth knows no end, yet they’re so empty inside

Their curses bring power, their strengths bring weaknesses
They’ll control you, even when they can’t control themselves
That’s why it’s always the Quiet Ones

Beware the Quiet Ones.