its almost been three years since i met you for the very first time.
but i hardly seem to know you,
and that breaks my heart.
i wish i knew you.
you seem just like the type of guy that i would love endlessly and unconditionally.
i'm sorry i never put myself in the position to find out.
you're oh so beautiful and i am oh so very proud of you.
it has now gotten to the point of your life where you are moving out and driving away to university.
they're screaming at you for you to 'find your why'.
and you're screaming straight back in their face with all the excitement you've ever held.
i love you for that.
but you've also sparked something inside me.
you've made me so determined and strong minded for the year that has just started and lies ahead of me.
thank you.
as i travel along a year behind you,
you are no longer a drive down the road.
you're now located three hours away,
and i hope so very much that one day i will be able to join you.
but of course we need to stay in touch.
but i want to surprise you 12 months down the track bumping into you in a little cafe.
you can tell im lost in my mind and dont have a great sense of reality.
you always told me that i was different.
but you'd follow that comment with 'and that ain't a bad thing'.
i'm so proud of you and my imagination for our future is the only thing that's going to get me through 2018.
you're finding your why,
but ive just found mine; you.

say what you ******* want to.
temporary is honestly greater than permanent.
you never notice or appreciate anything permanent but at the time, it had your full attention.
you’re honestly the biggest hypocrite i’ve ever met.
who knew that you can spend the whole day with your best friend believing you know who they are as a person...
only for them to backstab you the second you’re no longer together.
they know your weaknesses through this position of superiority as your best friend.
only to **** with you and use it to tear you apart.
i’m always the one apologising..
despite the fact that i’m always the one on the floor, defeated and left with a broken heart.
so speak the **** up already and say it to my face.

hypocrite.

is this word even in your vocabulary?
have you ever experienced something that has actual substance?
does it bring you joy that you destroyed someone?

no...no...yes.

you lie to me on a daily basis that i've come to believe that you feed off this rather than oxygen.
you deal me your scraps along with false hope that i treasured because i trusted you.
you got inside my brain, my heart, my blood..
now that you've decided you're done with me, you'll stab from my insides.

my deepest thoughts that are open to you.
you used them against me.

my hopes and aspirations that i shared with you.
you've crushed the possibility for me.

my memories i have experienced with you.
now the only thing that is a memory, is you.

and through all of this, you held your head up high with that disgusting dimple and grim smile knowing all along that you broke me.

who knew it was going to be this way?
for you to believe that your life is amazing and nothing can break this stream of happiness you are drunk on.
for you to only then realise that this is a world you have created as an illusion for this dystopian world that surrounds you.

no one can hurt you.
or so you thought...

you've only ever been open to everyone around you.
this is the source to your ultimate weakness.
and you're the only one to blame.

you're vulnerable and have no opportunity to fix this.
maybe this fact isn't a bad thing; we're just viewing through a negative perspective.

on the road to self-destruction...
and i didn't even notice since i've been blinded.

Why is this happening to me?
My mental state is only decreasing and I'm slowly going insane.
I'm getting fat because i don't know my limits and constantly binge.
I'm pushing everyone away so i don't hurt them.
I'm only hurting myself in doing so.
I put words in everyone's mouths because they apparently don't tell me what i want to hear.
I'm not comfortable in the way  i present myself in any way, shape or form.
I do not know what happiness is anymore.
I'm constantly stressed and right now i'm completely stressed and i don't even know what about.
I'm coming to realise i will never be loved and i guess i will have to be okay with that because
I'm falling apart.