Sleep brought my mother back to me
Dreams intertwined with denial
Manipulating reality
With memories of her smile

I don’t want this day with out her
An uncensored first waking thought
Foreign and deadly like cancer
Perpetual cycle of loss

Today I think I failed myself
By the habit's hands I am a hostage
My the liar's mouth I am a slave
Wakefulness is my price to pay
Sleep obviously eludes me
Actions obviously exclude me

We are the distance between our atoms
Atoms that somehow hold our human form
Space transcends space
Together we are more

Anxiety rests heavy hands on my head
Molding my perception
With it's unrelenting pressure
I am left to wonder
Why I so acutely suffer
Do I deserve this?
For living in cognitive dissonance?

Yesterday someone asked me if I really want to live.
I said yes but,
it's not that simple.
I want the beautiful things
and I see them.

But I feel a disproportionate amount of pain,
as trivial as it may be,
I feel it so intensely.
I've seen death.
I know it intimately.
Yet small things still get to me.

Did I forget the blessings?
The miracle of lungs filling with air
and a steady heart beat.
The joy of a vessel to hold me.
Yet all I can do is outrun the pain.
Are my blessings are given in vain.

For me there is no easy way.
But I struggle with the best of them.
Wonderful people with demons you wouldn't believe.
Whole, loving souls who deserve everything and anything.
I walk with these people.
We wade through the dire, hopeless trenches of disease.
Mental demons as individual as they are alike.
One day maybe the beauty I see in them will reflect the beauty they see in me.
Because they tell me I'm strong too.
And deserving.
And they should believe me, I know it.
So why shouldn't I believe them?

Do I belong in hospitals?
While I keep digging my own grave.
And I guess while I'm at it,
a mote to keep loved ones away.
My comfort and my misery,
why must they be one in the same?

I'm an over flowing cup
I'm pasta boiling up

I'm over my head
Trying in water to tread

I'm pushing at the seams
Between reality and dreams

I'm rhyming for no reason
Except to mark the change of season

Maybe my thoughts were meant to flow
But I've created dam
In stagnant water
I bathe

I woke up with out hope for this day
So I stayed in bed until noon
A luxury afforded only to the undeserving

What is my purpose here?
The entertain?
To save the masses?
To connect through a bleeding heart
to all my fellow man?
Am I here to make a work of art,
or save lives of unspoken souls?
Is there any chance I can do all those things?
Or is this my inevitable fall?

Thrown into action by a steady hand
I dance on flat surfaces
And defy sense of gravity
Catch the eye of lookers eye
Steady on, steady onward
I can't see a thing
The world is a blur
And I begin to wobble
Big clumsy strides
Try in vain to save balance
Three more desperate tries
Before I topple
Time tells imperfection
Momentum lost
Shows over
Spin me again, with a steady hand

The coming down of the day
The descent to rest
Time to be close
Couches and shows
And close bodies
Processing your day
With the one you love
Taking refuge

"Anyone can be happy at anytime."
My father's words.
To his suffering child.
Anyone, Dad?

Maybe I did trick you
But I didn't hide any pain
I did allude you to it
And you came to me all the same
Now I only let you surface skim
Over the things that bind me
To bottoms of ocean floors
Where only blind creatures see
By moving stick-like feelers over me

My days are made of moments.
My years are made of days.

I have feelings, like everyone else.
But when they are contained in me, they wreak havoc on my very bones.
How different must I be. If everyone else can maintain them.  
While I fight and disdain them.

Harmless, they tell me. Thoughts are just thoughts.
I give them power when I let them talk.
But like it or not they are very convincing.
And I am weak against temptation.