When they all needed help, I was there, all they threw was a look and I was there.

Now when I need help, all I get is silence, it makes so upset but I don’t wanna choose violence.

Why do I always get the shorter end of the stick? They expect me to jump for them yet they won’t move for me?

I don’t even know why I bother anymore.

This is the first night I’m here with you, in the same home, under the same roof, within a close proximity where I don’t feel the need to curl up in your arms while we laugh the night away.
I can feel how much I want to but I also know that I shouldn’t.
We’re two old flames where the light will never go out.

my heart is heavy tonight as i watch the snow fall outside from the foggy window,
i feel so alone in my own house since i was foolish enough to make my home in the arms of a man who sold to a higher bidder

how tragic is it for soul mates to find each other at the end of life just to be reborn and have to find each other again

The greatest feeling was I could go so long without talking to you, the days are turning into weeks and I’m honestly okay with that. The best I can do is wish you well and hope you never come back to take another piece of me.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to be okay. Like I’m going to be happy for the rest of my life.
I feel like everything is panning out the way it’s supposed to. I’m on the right track. I’m getting where I need to be.

Almost there. One day. Soon.

Then it’s like I get pulled underneath the tidal wave, sweeping me into the deepest spots of the darkness.

And I think, what’s the point?

I’m in a better place than I was two years ago, I’m bettering myself for the future I want.
You got the damaged me, the one who was so unsure of herself, the one who didn’t know what she wanted and who she wanted. She was back and forth with you a lot. She was hurt.
Now the next guy, the one she genuinely loves and cares about has the new her, the girl who wakes up every morning with a plan in her mind to make the best of every day, the girl who found herself and lead herself out of the darkness.
I think you would have loved her even more, but the place in her heart that holds onto you is closed forever, she’s moving on and becoming stronger than ever with a new love by her side.
A new mindset that steers her onto a lighter path.
I’m sorry you don’t get to hear her laugh or see her smile, I knew her happiness would’ve touched your soul in many ways.
Now, the man who has captured her heart in his hands is careful, there will be less sad days for her now.
But she wants to thank you, for putting up with her, for loving her the way that you did.
She will always remember and carry it with her wherever she goes, she will look at the stars and remember for a moment before she grabs her lovers hand that the damage you had done unintentionally was good for her in the end.

I see a pair of eyes on me and just for a split second I stare into those deep brown eyes, they change into yours.
They're watching my every movement of my swaying body but it's not the attention I want from just anyone so I let them stare.
I close my eyelids and picture that you're the one leaned up against that bar, watching me and I can feel the tingling feeling going down my spine.
I'm dancing for you and you're not even here.
Every stride is fuelled with hoping that you're looking my way, the way you did that night on New Years.
The flashing lights change from red to blue and I'm not in a bar full of strangers but in the living room of where our eye kept meeting.
Then I open my eyes as the song ends and the adrenaline is leaving my body, I look quickly around the room even though I know you're not here.
I wish you were here.

I am in a position I have never been before,
For once I do not see the positive side of things apart from 'everyone makes mistakes'
Do they? Did I?
Will my foolish mind be forgiven?
I feel as if I am running out of places and people to go to.
Do I even want to crawl back to who I was before?
She was not happy and she craved to feel something different but she did as she was told and not a second late.
Will I ever want to come out of this dark place?

I thought about killing myself today.

Gave myself a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t.

Because right now, none of them seem relevant.

They hurt you and become so paranoid that you’ll hurt them the same way.

Will things ever change? Or will they always stay the same?

I dream of going to a far away land, where no one knows me,
I can make new plans,
I can be who I want to be,
Do what I want to do,
I can feel like I can leave the troubles of my past behind me, like the ashes of a fire that burns much too brightly, as they dust away into nothing.
My mind is always going to that place, that time, that situation that makes my heart race.
A fresh start is what I desire, what I crave and what I want to chase after
The girl who stares back at me in the mirror, I don’t quite know who she is
With a tired sigh, I throw my hair up in a ponytail, grab my keys and go on with my routine, a far away land seems even further than it is, as I get in my car and drive to my daily job.

Maybe in another life time..

This journey that him and I have been on has not been without it’s trials
It’s near misses
It’s almosts
It’s “how about another time?”

It’s been quite a journey these passed few years and I know in my heart that I’m ready for new adventures

He has to stay and go on his own
He can’t come with me this time

It took a long time for me to get to this point, this moment, this freeing moment

And I’ve come out stronger because of it

I had wanted it to be until the end of my life but only made its way to the end of this chapter of my life

I do not grieve it

I do not wish things were different anymore

A journey where we lose people is normal, I do not wish I wasn’t losing him

I wish him well and health

But I wish happiness for me along the way

****, looks like I got too happy again.

I got too excited, I got my hopes up too fast again.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I can be happy. Why does there always have to be a ‘catch’ of ‘but’

like why can’t I look into someone’s eyes and know that I’m finally in a happy place.

Why is that too much to ask for a girl like me?

During the silent cool nights, the messages being passed back and forth almost daily now,
I still feel as if I'm going to continuously vie for your attention.
'Pick me, pick me' my heart calls out to you but you don't hear.
You say all you can give me is comforting words but all I want is you near.
A tear drop slides down my cheek and I feel the knife digging deeper into my chest, breaking the barriers that I built solely off fear and pride.
I laid it all out on the table for you, piece by piece and now I read words that are in the silence.
Should I have not said that?

She just wanted to be loved again, by the right person and at the right time.

My biggest flaw is that I keep pushing forward to tomorrow while often looking back to the yesterdays.
There will never be another day like yesterday, a week ago or a year ago.
And different emotions battle within me as I try decide if that’s a good thing or not.

The toxic thing about me is that I search for the excitement and happiness he gave me in everyone else

And I get disappointed when I can’t find it.

I remember the nights of crying myself to sleep because of him, because I had missed him greatly and because I didn’t want to let him go

but I found weakness in missing him but also found strength in letting him go

and life has been better since

Hi you, it’s me. Are you reading this? I hope you are. But even if you don’t read this, these words will always be here.
I’m not writing this to spit more angry words or slurs at you.
I’m writing this because... I wish I had met you before you were so hurt and betrayed by women. I wish you had fallen into my life before you got cheated on. I wish you came into my life the way I came into yours. I had all this hope for us, I had all this future planned out in my head. I wanted you to be the last person I’ve ever loved. Truly loved.
And you were. I was only a small chapter in your life, a chapter you will most likely forget about but you were the epilogue for me.
You made me, me for a little bit longer. Because truth be told, I was going to do what I did long before you came along. You made me give my family a daughter, a sister and a mother longer but none of you knew that.
I had been sad for a long time, it felt like I was failing everyone.
You had me thinking, maybe just maybe, it will be worth it. Let’s see where the future takes me. When you touched me, it made me forget that I was ever as sad as I was. You made me so incredibly happy and it made me feel good that you did truly love me. I get it, I depended on you too much, it was too much too fast and you didn’t want to trust me.
I kept letting you back every time you left because I always wanted to feel the way you made me feel when we were good.
You made me feel alive. And feeling alive felt indescribable.
One look from you and we were magic. You made me feel like magic Brett. Do you know how rare that is? How amazing that feeling was? I made myself believe that I would be okay, just as long as you wanted me.
But that’s not reality, although you made me feel on cloud 9. The darkness crept back in, it swept in like the current. I watched as the feelings began to become numbing. I felt myself slipping away.
It was never your job to make me feel okay, I tried to do it myself but late at night, when you were sleeping or you were gone, I couldn’t breathe. I felt numb. I felt depressed and I wanted the sadness to be washed away forever. I wanted to sleep and never wake up.
I’m sorry, we were magic and alive but I couldn’t take it anymore. The last time I held you, I knew it was going to be the last time. I needed to push you away for good so you wouldn’t be so damaged by my selfish decision. You’re getting your life together and I didn’t need to be another pain source for you. So I let you go, I let you leave because it would be easier for the both of us. I couldn’t pretend to be happy anymore. I couldn’t pretend that everything was going to okay. Because I knew, things would never be okay.
You were almost my saving grace, and I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have met you. I shouldn’t have let a Julia Supernault be known in your life when I knew I didn’t want to live.
I’m sorry, I’m so deeply and incredibly sorry.
You will find your happiness, and I was glad to know I had found that in you for a short while. I don’t know what’s going to happen after but all I know is I’m going to try my hardest to carry my feelings for you forever.
Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you so much.

A year ago, I was begging for him to love me, to remember the love he held for me.
That I was finally done figuring myself out after I repeatedly told him that it was time I desperately needed.
God did I love him so much, so much that it still hurts thinking about it.
I would have done anything for him, ignored everyone if that’s what he wanted.
I would’ve moved mountains for him, I would’ve lost myself entirely if it meant that I got to be with him.
He never wanted that for me, he wanted me to be whole and my own person, he wanted me to love myself first.
I didn’t understand it at first.
I was angry and heartbroken that he didn’t want me to love and put him first.
It was then, after it ******* near destroyed me when I realized what he meant.
He wants me to happy, to take care of myself and my son.
He wants only the best for me and that’s when I realize that he will always love me, from afar.
We will most likely never be together again but he still hopes and wishes that I will be okay no matter what.
We don’t talk anymore but all I can hope is that he is doing okay and that he will find himself the way I have.
That he will never have to wonder if I still hold love for him in my heart because I will always.
He’s been my safety blanket in a time of need and I hope that if this ever comes across him one day, that I will gladly be his safety blanket.
Thank you, thank you Nelson, for the nurturing care you’ve given me even if I didn’t want it at times.
I will always love you, after all, you’ll always be my first true love.

And truth is,

their effort is their answer

but another truth is,

your silence is your reply

will you be the beggar or will you get the last laugh?

I feel torn in half,

there’s two of me inside my body, both who crave two completely different things

two things I still don’t know how to mange to get

the brighter side of me, she’s a crazy outgoing woman

she wants to see every peak of this world and then to do it all again twice

she wants to dance in a club with music she has never heard of but it makes her sway her hips anyway,

she wants to constantly be on the move

she wants to find people who will love her all over the world, she wants to put her feet in every ocean

she wants a lifetime to be alone and not be lonely.

then there’s a the warmer comfortable side of me, she craves to want to wake up every morning with her husband while her children jump on the bed to get in between the both of them on Saturday mornings

She wants family camping trips and weekly dinners with the love of her life

She wants to build a steady home, grow roots, something she’s never had

she wants to learn how to make all sorts of things and cook big family dinners

she wants to go to every baseball game, every ballet recital, every competition, then to go home to her kiss her husband who makes her feel alive

she wants to be in love with love again, she wants nothing more than for someone to sweep her off her feet and make a home with her

what path do I choose?

and he tamed her the only way he knew how, knowing that it worked every time.
&
she wished that this time he would keep his promise to not hurt her again, for she can’t handle another betrayal

But what do you do when no where feels like home?

I never got say thank you to you,

For giving me our son,

For giving me the true meaning of love,

Why can I just move on from you?

Why won’t you just let me go?

And still, he will be okay, he will be perfect as he always is.

And I’ll be here, unmoved and frozen in the sound of his ‘i love you’

Why wasn’t I enough for him to want to be better?

It’s time to stop trying, to stop giving and receiving the same result in the end

Why do I even try, for someone who won’t move a muscle for me.

What is there left?

I wanted to run to you the moment I heard the news, the moment my world seemingly fell apart, I still want to but you’re not there anymore.

You finally went away and I know you’ll be great.

Still.

I wish I could send you a text but if I delivered that message, it wouldn’t send, it would never reach you.

And I know it’s better for you.

I just wish it was that easy. But life isn’t ever that easy is it?

I miss you already and you’ve only left my life since yesterday

I was somebody who loved the next sunrise,
And I was somebody who loved the next chapter in life.
Now all I look forward to is the time I am out of this hurt,
Until I’m okay and I can smile again.
Is that so selfish?

I put my feelings out there for you to know, for you to react to.

Instead all I got is the answer I needed to know, time to let you go.

This tiresome circle we keep going through, is finally going to end.

I love you, but you don’t feel the same way.

I am so tired.

I fell to the bottom alone
I sunk so far alone
I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I have never wanted forever with anyone before,
I’ve wanted a life time,
I’ve wanted another day,
I’ve wanted another minute,
But never will I want an eternity with someone who doesn’t want an eternity with me.

what are we?
are we a figment of imagination?
have only I been the one wanting something to happen?

I smile, and I laugh. Often. I feel bursts of excitement and I laugh until my stomach hurts. I can find humour in everything, I make jokes. I feel relaxed and comfortable.

But when it’s time to go home and I settle in bed, the smile fades away and the loneliness seeps in.
I cry, and I feel like my chest is contracting instead my chest. I feel my gut twisting in sadness and anxiety. My thoughts run wild with anything. I let the tears fall freely. I feel alone and empty.

I live in a world where it’s normalized when my friends and families other half to be jealous of every single person.
My younger sister can’t be trusted to be alone with me otherwise we’re automatically out drinking, I don’t even drink.
My eldest brother can’t come visit me in my new home because I have a very good female friend who lives with me, I moved in just down the road.
It felt so normal that my ex wouldn’t let me come home to see my family without him because he didn’t trust me, he thought I would go sleep with someone else.
Why isn’t there any trust in my world? I broke up with my ex over the fact he could not trust me.
And I’m afraid to enter another relationship where trust won’t be given at all.

It hurts more when you know you didn’t do anything wrong.

You don’t know how to make it okay because you did nothing wrong,

Why am I the one who has to feel this low?
Why am I the one that has to cry these tears alone?
Why do you get to be okay?
Why do you get to be alright?
Why did we have to end over nothing?
Why did you hurt me after you promised you wouldn’t?

They ask ‘why him?’ as if I should be able to do so much better

but they don’t know that he’s just as damaged and twisted as I

I don’t want to waste the good boys time so I turn to the one who will accept the dark parts of me within every kissed shoulder and every grazed hand on my thigh

Perhaps filling the loneliness with him won’t be so bad, right?