i never thought i'd make it to sixteen
the age was always something i thought only movie characters and people around me would reach
i thought i'd be gone by then
i didn't think someone would be able to ask me
"how old are you?"
and i would say
"i'm sixteen"
sixteen
"how old are you now?"
a relative or friend would ask
"i'm fift-"
then i would stop
"i'm actually sixteen."
sixteen
wow
i thought i would have been able to say it
i  couldn't imagine mumbling those words
i've outlived so many kids
kids who actually wanted to live
sometimes i wish i could trade places with them
a kid who wanted and deserves to live here

i stand out in the cold
embracing the harsh winds
i close my eyes and breathe deeply
inhaling the smell of the crisp, fall air
the smell reminds me of us
how our favorite season would be so short
but we'd love every moment of it

the colors of the leaves
a cranberry red
like the sweater I wore on our first date
a burnt orange
like the flower you gave me
a golden yellow
like the ring you gave me
to show you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me
on the last day of autumn

but by the first day of fall the following year
you weren't here with me
you can never feel the cold on your face again
or see the bright colors of the trees and leaves

every time i step
the crunching of the leaves
crush beneath my boots
i tread to where you lay
i read the stone again
even though what it says is already engraved in my mind

sometimes i feel hopeless
like it's never going to get better
it's been a roller coaster
of ups and downs
mostly downs
i want to get off this ride
too many hills
too many loops
too many abrupt halts
but i can't
i can't get off without hurting someone
what's one person though?
not like i have so many people
who love and adore me
who care and are concerned
i'll give this ride another chance
life is like a never ending rollercoaster
ups and downs and sideways
all i can do is go up, my friend

darkness and void filled her like a glass
being filled with wine
feeling helpless and lost

the world is a dark place for her
it is an empty
black
onyx hole of nothingness
she felt as if she was drowning constantly
feeling like she could never breathe
quite deeply and fully

the worst part
was when she was watching everyone
watching everyone breathe just fine
while she was suffocating

she has no one to save her
no one to throw her a life safer
or a life guard to dive in to save her

she had no one to save her from drowning
in the dark nothingness
called the world

- m

i'm always asked why my eyes are so dreary
why i'm always yawning
why i can barely keep my eyes open
it's because my eyes are always open during the night
i can't seem to drift off into the night
and get the numbered hours of rest i need
my thoughts occupy my mind
keeping me awake
at all hours of the night

give me a reason
give me a ******* reason
give me a reason why i should stay
give me a reason why i shouldn't walk away
why shouldn't i just leave
why i shouldn't fade into the distance
why shouldn't i just disappear
why shouldn't i just jump into the abyss below me

aren't you going to answer me?
why shouldn't i?
you bothered to stop me and ask
why shouldn't i?

you say there's hope
no there isn't
you say there's someone who loves me
no one i can think of
you say there is help out there
but you have to understand
i've tried everything

you don't know how it feels
to feel worthless
pathetic
stupid
and ignored

why shouldn't i jump?

"there's a monster under my bed!"
i would say to my mother
as she tucked me in tight
kissed my forehead and put away the storybooks
"i'm sure there's not but i will check anyway."
she would say before checking under the bed
and even in the closet
in every nook and cranny
to reassure me i was safe
but she never realized
the monster wasn't under my bed
or in the closet
or behind the bedroom door
or in any nook and cranny
it slept in her bed

i never would have thought
that i would ever receive what i wanted
a love so strong it could survive in the eye of the hurricane
someone who would stay by my side 'til the end of time
a good, loving, caring heart to call my own
i never would have thought
someone like you
would even glance my way
even take notice of me
i never would have thought
i would ever be able to call you
the most amazing person on this earth mine

her past always catches up to her
like the moon chases the sun
on the fateful day every few years
the eclipse

she thought she could run away
she thought she could outrun it
she thought she could just forget about it
like it was nothing at all
but instead
it caught up

it yanked her down to the floor
pulled her straight down into the deep dark
onyx hole she climbed out of before

she could never escape
escape her haunted past
no matter how hard she tried
she could never outrun it

she was fast
but her demons were faster

i'm in the desert
all alone
i can see in the distance
a group of people
people i know in my life
i feel my self sinking into the ground beneath me
the quicksand slowly consuming me

i call out to the group of people
i call out for help
they ignore my cries
ignore my screams
i'm unheard

they wont listen
they wont care
no one does

i was lying on the beach
at 3am
cold and completely alone
starring up at the moon
listening to the waves crash against the shore.
while holding the phone against my ear
listening to your recordings you left on my phone
telling me to call you back
that you would be home soon
and that you loved me so much
not even a thousand page book
could describe the love you have for me
now that i can not hear your voice in person anymore
i'm left to listen to the voicemails you left me
imagining you there
holding me in your arms
wishing
hoping you come back
even though it's impossible