I'm
   Faster
      Than
         I
            Look,
               But
                  I'm
                     Not
                        So
                           Bold.

I understand the cutter.
Loving you is
My self-harm.

My boss is humming a song,
While I pick at my check mix.
I eat the almonds with the m&m;'s,
And the raisins with the peanuts.

My break is almost over and I stand up
And walk out of the door.
I adjust my clothes, and start with my
Right foot out of the door.
I continue walking.

Earlier today I noticed that my post-it was moved from the window wall to the shelf wall.

I'll let that go without saying anyhting even though it bothers me so much.

Let it go.
Break the routine.
Forget patterns.

everything i've ever felt will all mean nothing as i lie in my bed, and let it all bleed out. the dark red stains on my grey bedsheets are left to remind those of whom i loved,
that their love wasn't enough,
to save me from myself.

you saw sadness,
and you never noticed the pain.

you heard the thunder,
and ignored the rain.

but yet you wonder,
just why you dug my grave.

you saw, my dear.

but you cannot see.

I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth
The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood.
Maybe that’s why everything I say
sounds like it’s is trying to **** me.
But what do you do
when you stand in front of a mirror
with a gun to your head
and your reflection smiles back at you?
What do you do
When you stand in the middle of a busy road
And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****.
Every version of yourself
No one could love.
My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win
She says I look just like her
Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am.
I checked the obituaries this morning
Trying to find myself again
It’s a habit I picked up from you
But I never thought your name would end up there before mine.
Sometimes I imagine what death feels like
Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead
By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing.
Someone once told me that begging you to come home
Isn’t the same as praying
Maybe that’s why God stopped listening
and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in.
Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel
Right before the train hits you.
I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you
Like I was looking at the sun
Or a car accident I wanted to be part of
I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me
You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place.
I couldn't look at you clearly,
because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and
your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of.
You can only break your knuckles so many times
Before you cant hold yourself together anymore.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left
I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back.
See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father
Now I have to say I never want to end up like you,
Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye
But I tried to write my eulogy last night
And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.

As I blow out my 18th candle;
My only wish is that my mom was here to cut the cake.

Here is the thing
I don't give up easily
I don't let go easily
I am nowhere near done with you
I can try a million different things before I am
So if you are not interested in being more than friends with me
You better make it very clear to me very soon and very quickly
Because I still like you
I will still obsess over you
I will still freak out every time you pass by
Probably talk all my friends' ears off about how nice your eyes are
Probably smack their arm off when I see you near by going: hey! look! look! It's him!!
...yeah, all my friends are probably gonna end up deaf and physically disabled... also very homicidal towards me when it starts to get annoying that I am continuously causing the falling off of their limbs and ears.
I will still end up creating characters in stories who look just like you
because I really like you
and here is the thing
I don't really care if you like me back
I can hope that you might be willing to try to learn to
but in reality
I just like you
because you are you
beyond your looks
I barely know you
I would really like to get to know you better
and that will be all I can think about for a long time, guaranteed
because here is the thing
I don't give up easily
and I really, really like you