I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood. Maybe that’s why everything I say sounds like it’s is trying to **** me. But what do you do when you stand in front of a mirror with a gun to your head and your reflection smiles back at you? What do you do When you stand in the middle of a busy road And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****. Every version of yourself No one could love. My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win She says I look just like her Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am. I checked the obituaries this morning Trying to find myself again It’s a habit I picked up from you But I never thought your name would end up there before mine. Sometimes I imagine what death feels like Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing. Someone once told me that begging you to come home Isn’t the same as praying Maybe that’s why God stopped listening and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in. Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel Right before the train hits you. I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you Like I was looking at the sun Or a car accident I wanted to be part of I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place. I couldn't look at you clearly, because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of. You can only break your knuckles so many times Before you cant hold yourself together anymore. My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back. See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father Now I have to say I never want to end up like you, Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye But I tried to write my eulogy last night And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.