Sometimes
when I'm lying awake at night
on an air mattress of a pull out couch
not sleeping because of the weight
of why i'm here in the first place.
I cry.

the tears stream directly onto the pillow
pulling off old remnants of eyeliner
and mascara
Dirtying the pillow

I cry because
I am alone

alone

alone fearing the darkness
what it brings
and if it will find me
the darkness
I spent so much of my life in...

The darkness I fought so hard
                                                       To get away from...

And I'm still fighting

This poem is a lie
i'm about to cry
settle upon this guy
and come to see it was all a lie
why couldn't i see
it wasn't meant to be
i saw the signs
and i ignored them
and instead i tried.
just like i'm probably
going to ignore this too.

I don't regret
Saying I love you
I don't regret
Ever loving you
I don't regret
Meeting you
And I don't regret
Letting you in to my heart

I regret
Not saying I love you more
Not kissing you every chance I got
Being a ***** over stupid things that didn't matter
And always finding a way to make you think I was insane.

You made me who I am today
A better, more patient and understanding person who actually tried.

You let me be myself
You let me fall in love
Even though that's not what you wanted.
You let me explore a wild side of me I can't put back
You were my favorite hello
And my absolute worst goodbye.
And the only thing I want
Is to hug you one last time
To kiss you one last time
To hear your voice one last time
See your face
See your smile
It was always so easy with us.
You made it so easy to fall in love with you.
And now I've lost my best friend.
We can't always get what we want.

Nagging

from everyone

it makes you seen less
less of a person
less of a friend
less of a human being

where is the magic in nagging?
where is the love in nagging?
there is no patience in it.
there is only annoyance.

theres only dropping
           only regret
           only you

                    and your nagging...

Let me tell you
About the man I've been dating
He's gentle
He's sweet
He's kind
He learned exactly
How I like my blankets
For when he tucks me in
And he kisses my forehead
When he leaves.
The man
That I've been dating
Isn't afraid to touch me
When we're out in public
He has no problem
Holding my hand
Or locking me in an embrace
Or kissing me despite strangers
Being around.
The man
That I've been dating
Always gives me
The most understanding look
When I'm talking
About a bad day
Or when I'm telling him
About my traumatic past
Or even when
We're discussing random topics.
The man
That I've been dating
Went out of his way
To bring me syrup
When I ran out for my waffles.
The man
That I've been dating
Has cried
Trying to get me
To see how beautiful I am
Because he so strongly believes it.
The man
That I've been dating
Has the most amazing laugh
And my world gets a little brighter
When he's in it
And he makes me feel
Like I'm enough for him
He sometimes even
Makes me feel
Like I'm too good for him...
Something that
I'm not used to.

The man
That I've been dating
Gives me movie kisses
And the most perfect hugs
Like our bodies fit together
And were made for one another

I never knew
Any relationship
Could be like this
Until I met
The man
That I've been dating

How can I write
When there's nothing
How can I see
When all there is,
is pain.
How can I be
A good person
when all I see is bad
How do you justify
an act of kindness
When all anybody sees
is the bad?
They're hypocrites
And liars
They tell you not to judge
When that's all they do
And it may seem so gruel
But that's because anything
And everything you'll
ever see
is just plain cruel.

Long walks, sad talks. Forever dreams, sad as they seem. Bright smile, depressed style. Shining eyes, hidden behind long hair. Scared girl, mad dad.

You cant leave her out. Don't shut anyone out.

Funny girl, dark secrets. Arms covered in scars. Face covered in bruises. Hidden with makeup.

Long lies, short excuses. Struggling girl, successful man, coming to take her hand. Long nights, short time.

She struggles from the trauma.

Long fights, short nights. Cut even shorter.  

She tried and tried to breathe. But he was just too strong.

Long fight, takes flight. Another angel up in heaven tonight...

I cant think
I cant breathe
All I am
Is mad
I breathe deep
I grate my teeth
I squeeze my phone
Till it almost breaks.
But nothing helps
this angry feeling.
maybe if I hadn't
been pushed
To my breaking point
then maybe
I would be ok
Maybe
I wouldn't feel so bad.
Maybe if you
just believed
that not everything is my fault.
it really hurts
that you don't
Believe me!
You just blame me
Don't you think
I already hate me
enough?
I'm tired of your critisim
your accusing words
And your hypocritical looks.
I hate it
And I cant say anything back!!!!!
And that's what makes me
mad the most!

Life is full of
                                             Choices
They make us who we
                                                          Are
But sometimes our decisions are
                                                               Awful

Oh, what i'd give
To see you one last time
to hold you in my arms
one last time
Feel your lips hard against my own
filled with an urgent need
one last time.
Oh what I wouldn't give
To hear your voice
call me babe
One last time
To hug you tightly
and know that i'm safe
and warm with you
one last time.
To cry in your shoulder
uncontrollably
as I tell you I love you
one more time.
I know that will never happen
because we are done.
But I will never stop loving you.
because even though there
are no more little affinities
I think for right now
We're just experiencing Technical difficulties.

You could squeeze me so hard
it makes my eyeballs pop out
and it would still not be tight enough.
You could grab me so hard
I scream
and it would still not be hard enough.
our bodies could simultaneously fuse together
and it still wouldn't be close enough.

The summer i first met you
The day i first talked to you
now everything is just this cosmic blue.
when at first it was tinged with red
red for love.

You lied to me
every single day
every single message.
Everything since i met you
it was all just lies.

I let you in
i trusted you
but you had manipulated me
and now everything is cosmic blue.

I'm numb.
i don't know how to feel
i feel violated.
You were so deceitful
and just evil.

I just saw I side of you I never knew
And now everything is just cosmic blue...

I don't know what I want anymore
Is that so bad?
To just not know?
What if I want more?
So what if I want love!
******* if you can't handle it!
You said you love me but you don't
You said it to get exactly what you want!

I'm sick of acting slutty
Feeling slutty
So am I a bad person?
Would you love me less if that's just who I was?
I want to be with you
But I want to be with him
Maybe I'm the *****
Maybe I'm the problem
But you didn't have to let her blow you!
You ******* *******!
How does that make me a ****?!
*******!
You don't love me
You don't know the meaning of the word!
I don't know what I want!
I don't know if what I want
Is acceptable to you.
Love is a big deal
Its so much to ask
When all you want is ***
Love doesn't fit in the equation

Ive never written
A happy poem
Ive never written
a funny lymric
I feel its just
in my nature
To be sad
And write
depressing poems
Because I guess
Ive felt depressed
more than anything else.

I fell in love with you
On accident
But I would choose you
Over any guy
Any girl
No matter what
For the rest of my life.
I choose you
Even though I had no choice
In falling in love with you.
No matter how hard I tried not to.
You are my beautiful dream

I wrote you a letter today
To see if you would care
I wrote you a letter today
to see if you could be there.
I waited weeks
I waited months
I waited and waited only to find
A letter in my mailbox that day
That one day late in the year
The water was cold
And the sky was clear
I found the letter
And stamped across it in big letters
It read
Return to sender.
devastated and sad
I returned to my room
I cried and cried till my eyes were dry
For all I could in the world,
I could not hate you
But I tried and tried
But by then you were a part of me
And that I felt you could not see
So I grabbed a knife
And shoved it through my heart
And as my eyes
Rolled back into my head
All I could see
was the stamp that read
Return to sender...
And as I heard my mothers scream
I saw you in the back of my mind
Wondering why you were there...

Scars
They clutter my left arm
Up and down they used to double
triple
Quadruple
they bled
were red
And eventually
scared over.
They did not solve my problems
Just made me stay sane
They made me keep calm
When I wanted to break down
I wanted to yell
I wanted to scream
But all I did was show my feelings
A top my skin
They arnt me anymore
And sometimes I forget that.
I forget that I don't have to push people away
But instead they push me away
Because even though I have changed
my skin remains the same
And that is all they choose to see.

My poems
Hardly ever rhyme
They hardly ever tell a story
In an allotted space or time

My poems
Share my feelings
Raw an real
They help me cope
They help me heal

My poems
Are my outlet
Like I'm sure yours are for you
Like them don't like them
I don't write them for you

Yes I just tried
To rhyme two words that are the same
As you can see
I'm not very good at this rhyming game.

I don't care about trending
I could care less about likes
Its views that matter to me
Effecting people's lives.

For as long as my memory goes
So does pain
I've become an addict
Pain.
   Love.
      Rumors.
         Me.
I can't just leave
I care too much to leave.
Your abusive.
You hit.
  You punch.
     You kick.
        You bite.
           You scream at me.
But its all in my head
The torture is real though.
                                       In my head.
Frustration in every sentence
Dripping with madness.
I lay down
                    You next to me.
My eyes are closed
                                   But my ears can hear
You **** a gun
                            I hear a shot.
                                                    All I feel is hot sticky liquid.
Its forming and spreading
     Then another shot.
          Everything is quiet.
      
                                   Our pain is over.

I love you now
Right now
Right now you're broke
You need allot of help
You're in a bad place
You need me
And I love you.
I'll love you in the future
When we're living together
When we have stable jobs
Good cars
And can afford rent without killing ourselves with jobs.
I'll love you when we have our first child
Boy or girl
I don't mind
As long as it's ours.
I'll love you when we grow older
When your hair starts to turn gray
And wrinkles start to appear
I'll love you when you need a cane to walk
When you get some heart disease from all the sandwiches you eat now
And when you need help just to go to the bathroom.
Babe...
I'll love you through it all
When it's hard
When it's easy
We'll always get through it
Always.

Here I sit
In a classroom full of people
They're yelling
And screaming
Some call themselves my friend
Others are just there.
They make fun of me
They laugh at me
They tear away at me
And everything hurts.
It feels terrible.
Wanting to scream
Wanting to cry
Wanting to kick
And yell
And be angry.
I'm mad with myself
With the world
And I'd rather be sleeping.

Once viewed as Monsterous
In my own eyes
I couldn't see the things
That made me gorgeous
In another's eyes
I would forever be
Always seen as very pretty
But to me it seemed
I could never be
Anything more than hideous.

I hated myself
My body and soul
I hate my body
I felt like a troll
I hated my smile
My teeth never perfectly white
I hated my hair
Never seemed right.
I hated my stomach
Gorged and big
I hated the hair
That covered my skin

Through the eyes of another
I took a second look
They begged me to see
What was Necessary.
How my eyes shined
Without cause
How even though my smile wasn't perfect
It broke no beauty laws.
How the fat that encompassed me
Was not hideous in the slightest

I found I was not ugly
Not fat
Beautiful.
In every way humanly possible.
And I am proud of the way I look
Inside and out
I am alive
And that's all that counts.

Like my hand
On my chest
In the midnight hour
It's beating for you

In the sun
It feels so cold
You can do anything
As long as you hold
my hand
on my chest
My heart is racing
its racing...

In the dark
we are so close
you feel so warm
put your head
on my chest
Can you feel the
the careening beat?
of my heart?

Put your lips
Against my own
and just like the sweetest sound
I never want it to end.

Put your arms
around my waist
pull me close
keep me warm.

The night's so cold
but I'm in your arms
you've replaced the lonely nights
with pure bliss

Just one more hour
just one more kiss...

Time is fleeting... I have never felt so alone. There was a time that I can remember when I was happy. I was different. I was little. I was naive. But ignorence is bliss. There was a time where people wanted to talk to me. A time where I could be me and be happy. No It seems like I'm working hard to please people so they will want me around at all. I will always feel like I need to improve myself. But that's only because I'm insecure. Its because of everything around me...

He drove me to his house
Kissed me on to his bed
And it was there
In the light of his computer
He looked into my eyes
The sincerest of smiles from the most content parts of his heart on his face
And he said it.
3 words... 8 letters...
"I love you"
Shocked by the turn of events
Because he had never said it first.
By general rule i always said it first
I kissed him.
Until i realized that this was exactly what i wanted.
Him.
His love.
Always.
So I broke the kiss to say it back.
"I love you too"
And we kissed.
But there was something new.
A wetness to it.
He broke the kiss and buried his face in my neck.
And he cried.
Because of so much stuff that i had yet to learn.
So much stuff that i wanted to learn but never wanted to push about.
And so much stuff that i could maybe never understand.
I didn't know.
I didn't know what to do.
Just hold him as he cried.
Until he looked up at me and said it again.
He said they weren't sad tears.
And it was from that moment that i knew it was something much deeper.
Something i wish on no one
Especially the love of my life.
Something I'm afraid to ask him
Because its one thing i want him never to relive...
Because I love him
Because without him i would not be here.
So we laid there for awhile
Till he got up and laid next to me instead of on me.
Tears streamed from his eyes
Till I blew on his neck, in what he calls elephant kisses, and started to laugh.
Because i will always be there to pick him up
When he can't pick himself up....

I stopped hating myself
For no reason
When I was 16.
I have a reason now.

I stopped fighting.

I gave up.

I let him take
What He wanted
I let him violate me.

I've taken several showers since then
But it's never enough
I'm never clean enough.
I'll never be clean enough.

When it happened
I didn't want to call It what it was.
I didn't want to be a victim
Didn't want to be looked at
Like I was broken.

But it was that.
No matter what I want to call it.
That's what it was.
And I'll have to live with hating myself
For the rest of my pathetic life.
Because it was ME who gave up the fight.

My sanity is getting lost in an empty sea
of blunt truth that
                                 kills dreams

Death is spontaneous
its truthful and real
Death is peaceful
life is hard
And fake
a lie

Death is promised in life
But life isn't promised in death
Death gives us something to look forward to
and count on in life
It's probably the only real thing on earth

You live to die
But you don't die to live

for so many years
she didn't trust anyone
love anyone
because of him
She didn't want to get
                                        hurt
but hurt was around every
corner
              inevitable to face
She didn't want to love
       So she closed off her
heart
          boxed up her soul
wouldn't let anyone near it
         until she did
            until she was happy one day
She let him into her heart
                            *but he didn't care

I wanted to love you
I wanted you in my arms every night
I wanted you when things got tough
I wanted you even when it wasn't right.

Now I lay here
Alone in my bed
After you've gone
Sad thoughts racing through my head.

I let you in
I let you be there for me.
I trusted you
And you betrayed me.

Now my tears fall on my pillow
Every night I lay on my bed
Cuddle with your sweater
That you left for me
And I think of the first time I saw you
Our first date.
I think of the way you used to stare at me
How your eyes lit up and your smile grew the moment you got out of your car.
The first time I made you dinner
And how you loved it so much you got thirds.
The late nights we spent cuddling on the couch watching Lord of the rings.
And every single time we were intimate.
How you could make me shake.
How you made me feel like I wasn't alone.
I think of how much I love you
Until I fall asleep with tears running down my cheeks.

I never want to stop loving you.
But I have to.
We can never be together
Ever again.

It's been 3 1/2 months
And I'm still crying myself to sleep
I don't know if I'll ever forget about you.
I never want to
You were everything to me
I don't want anyone else
So it's 11:30 on a Saturday night
And I'm laying here
Crying myself to sleep.

My body is
Increasingly becoming sick
It's becoming disgusting
With all the harmful things
That I allow to
Pass through my lips.
I'm always tired
I do little exercise
I feel always out of breath
I almost never drink water
I am lousy with unhealthiness.
I hate food.
I hate what it does to me
I hate how it makes me feel.
But most of all
I hate that I am
So hopelessly addicted.
Even when I'm full
I seek snacks
To fill my emptiness.
To comfort my brokenness
To cease the pain.
My journey of the road to recovery
Will be long
And painful
And fraught with trying to make amends
For the horrible things I have done to my body.
To fix what is broken
To try and find something else
To fill the void.
To make the headaches
And the ****** feelings disappear.

Love me
Because I am broken
Love me
Because I am damaged
Love me
Because I am hurt
Love me
Because I am a nerd

Love me
When I smile
Love me
When I laugh
Love me
When I cry
Love me
Till I die.

Love me
Through the lonely nights
Love me
Through all the bad fights
Love me
Through the surreal good
Love me
Through the impossibly bad

Love me
Because I love you

How can I sleep
Knowing I lost you?
How can I dream
Knowing it will only be in pain?
How could you leave
when you said you loved me?
How could I let you leave
When I loved you too?
what is wrong with me?
Is it you?
Why is it you
That keeps me up
At night crying my eyes out.
and even through all these tears
And through all this hurt
All I can think
is how much I love you
how much I want you back
How much you hurt me
and all the memories that follow
saying your name
Hearing your name.
Needing to hear it
To keep me alive...
I love you

A boy stared at me today
He's staring his life away
The more he looks the more he should know
That I am not here
               And I should go...

Alone I sit
Alone I wait
Alone I lie
As alone as the sky.

Depressed as I am
depressed as I feel
Depressed as I can
With the memory of you still here

With all my might
And all my strength
With all the tension
I wish I could bring you back

But I am powerless
In this brutal world
Destined for misery
Just as a lonely girl

He's always there
I have no privacy.
My life is full of him
I'm never alone anymore
I cry from the headaches it gives me.
But losing him would be worse
I love him more then privacy.
I love him more than anything
What I don't get
Is why he loves me.
I look through his phone
I grab his ***
I always look ugly but he tells me I'm beautiful.
I'm a mess
And he loves me.
Maybe it's because I'm always there for him.
Maybe it's because when he's going through hard times
I always make sure he's taken care of.
I love him
And he loves me just the same.
And if we don't end up together
It'll be a waste of an amazing relationship
And years of my life
But i will never regret the effort
The love
The affection
The time
The money
And the care
That i gave him.
No...
That will never be a waste.

I wake up in the morning
You beside me
You smile as you look at me.
"Morning beautiful" you whisper.
You kiss me.
Kids burst into the room
Jump onto the bed
Calling us mommy and daddy.
They look like mixtures of us.
Your hair
My eyes.
Your nose
My mouth.
They ask us what we're doing that day.
The day progresses
You go to work
Kiss me goodbye
And just like that
Our day turns to mine.
And already I miss you.
But this is not our life.
This is the future I saw with you.
My fairytale I saw with you.
The one that didn't end when I walked down the aisle.
The one I saw with us growing old together.
I didn't see you
Leaving me for someone else.
I didn't see you
Never loving me.
Never in my wildest nightmares
Did I ever predict
That you would leave me
And that you never loved me.
I saw a future with you.
Accidental and flawed.
But real
And true.
A future that can never be.
Because you left me
For her

I don't want to be
A walking cliche
But I have to get this out.
I hate it when you ignore me
I hate when you lie
I hate when you get mad
I hate when you make me cry.
I hate it when you look at me
The way I can never be mad at you
I hate that you make me hate me
When your the one that made me love me.
I hate when you leave
I know you'll be right back
But you go anyways
I hate when you act like your better then me
Like your so much more superior
I hate when you yell at me
How it hurts my heart when you call me a *****
Even when I'm being one.
And lastly
I hate that you keep getting me to love you even when your not trying...

He used to make me happy
On rainy days i still feel comfortable in his arms
I like waking up with his arms wrapped around me
And his breath at my ear
I still enjoy the sound of his voice
Mindlessly talking about stuff i don't care about.
But something has changed.
Maybe its our understanding that this is a dead end relationship
Maybe its that its too late for him to try and make things better.
He's just salting the wounds even more.
Making it worse.
But he's trying.
I'm just not happy.
I'm not happy with the guy that told me i wasn't good enough
I'm not happy with the guy that told me he was ashamed to be with me.
You never forget the first time that someone who looked at you like you were the most beautiful woman on earth told you you should lose weight to look better.
I wish i could forget that you left me before for someone else.
And i wish that you never told me that you didn't want to let yourself fall in love with me because you didn't want to be stuck because you felt like you could do better.
I wish i could start fresh.
With a new perspective of you.
I wish that you would stop ******* up.
And making me unhappy.
I really ******* wish i could walk away
But i need you.
I need you to do my taxes
I need you to take me to the dmv so i can get my license.
I need you to help me be an adult.
And i need you to make me feel like a woman when you make love to me.
I don't want to lose the home i have in your arms.
And the comfortable gaze i hold in your eyes.
I don't want to lose the breath in my ears
And i don't want to stop waking up in your arms.
I just don't know if i can walk away right now.

I remember
A time not so long ago
When I would sit
And write oh so many poems
I would write out my feelings
Write out my thoughts
I would imagine an answer
And talk to my oldest friend.
my oldest friend
whom I care so much about
Is not a person
not real at all
His name is Id.
He knows all my secrets
but I know none of his
He gives me advice
about how to deal
And I can stay safe
knowing he will not tell the world
And he tells me how
how to deal
When I am not sure
How you became mine
And I became yours.

I wonder
In which
The world we live
In all the countries
of all the people
And I some how happen
to have met you
I somehow happen
To have fallen in love with you
I somewhow happen
to have lost you
And with you
Follows half of my heart.
my heart
In all its emptiness
Still misses you.
I wish to be happy
to put on a face and deal
But with out you
my heart only has
so much time to heal

I can hear myself getting more and more annoying
Because the only thing I speak about
Is him.
I can see the people I talk to getting tired of hearing about him.
See the exhaustion on their faces as I go on and on about this man I claim to be so in love with.
And I can't stop myself.
Not for one second.
Because if I stop myself
Maybe the spell will break.
Maybe I only love him theoretically.
Maybe my love for him is contingent on being able to talk about him.
Maybe if I stop talking about him every second of the day
I will cease to love him
And then I will have nothing.
Nothing to talk about.
No one to be with.
And that's so absurd.
Because I love him.
I love him with all my being...
But here I am.
Still talking about him
Because I'm too scared to find out if I'm right.

Maybe I worry a lot
But atleast I care
maybe I look out for you
And that's considered weird
and maybe I try to hard
to get you to laugh
But that's just because I love your smile.

Maybe its hard for you
To see what's in your own heart
That's only because you chase the wrong people
And I hate to see you hurt
so I'll tell you everything
I have to say
To make you feel better
To make you feel o.k.

Maybe it would be easier
If you tried to stay away.
away from all those girls
and be with the one who cares
Because those girls don't give a ****
About your heart
while mine beats so hard
when your around...

And maybe it would be easier
if you
fell
for
Me.

I'm all alone
In this big world
With nobody
Why am I alone?
why couldn't I have people?
why does everyone just
want to hate me?
why cant I be loved?
Do I not deserve it?
Am I horrible?
Do I just ruin
The lives of people that I know?
I just don't want to be here!
It would just be better
If I was gone...

I get it now
I'm the problem
Its all my fault
and you blame me.
I cant do anything right
Because I'll just make them fight
and maybe
Its just them
Did you ever
Think of that?
No.
Because you just want me gone.
You don't think I know that?
I want me gone too!

I'll always be here
For a person that needs me
For anybody that's lonely
For anybody that cant cope
With the way life is
If they have scars
I have some of my own
I will always try to help
Someone who needs to feel wanted

Tears are the
First stage of crying
the part before it gets real
the part before your
Destiny is sealed.
It begins with crying
It begins with hurt
A hurt so strong
It makes you forever alert.
Because after tears
comes more
And after that its worse
until they become uncontrollable
And sometimes you will
Feel much better
but then that day will come
and you will get worse
Forever...

Away from the stars
Away from the sun
high above the universe
A Princess's spirit
flies to the heavens above

Below here on Earth
She will be dearly missed
We all saw her worth
I think that's all she wished

And through the Heaven's
far she'll fly
Just so you know
It's ok to cry

She's looking down at us
to chase away our fears
and she'll always be here
to help wipe away the tears

She'll always be that sunshine
that ray of light
that new daisy blooming
after a rainy night

and letting her go
is no small feat
it takes strength

The strength of knowing
we'll all be reunited someday.

Because you can **** a million times
And still have never made love