growingpains

growingpains Aug 2018

Naive

I thought you cared
I thought you wanted me to explain
I thought you cared
But I am no longer worth the same
Your actions have spoken
Priorities have changed
Not a **** question
You laughed in my face
Ignored the whole issue
You sent meaningless phrases
And I'm left thinking
Was this all one sided?

#lying #truth #naive #foolish #caring #careless

growingpains Jul 2018

Like a God

I wish I was omnipresent
Just like a god of many talents
I have a fear of missing out
Because you seem happier when I’m not around

Insecurities builds an excess of possessiveness
I feel like my absence equates to a worthless self
And so, my grasp loosens
And we dissipate into thin air

I wish I was omnipresent
Just like a god of many talents
I have a fear of missing out
Because you’re able to open up and I am not

It’s my fault, I know
I put all my eggs in one basket
And I made you responsable
Because you’re the one holding the nest
But I couldn’t give you much so you went elsewhere, that’s fair
But you developed bonds at such a rate
And I feel threatened

I wish I was omnipresent
Just like a god of many talents
I have a fear of missing out
Because you’re able to say ‘I love you’ to strangers and I’m not

This dichotomy is quite challenging
Because I’m in a state where I want to see you grow
And for your own sake, that could mean that you need to go
I feel like my presence emphasizes the distance
And that the concept of us was merely quixotic

I wish I was omnipresent
Just like a god of many talents
I have a fear of missing out
And I fear I’ve missed out too much for us to come back

I haven't uploaded in a while but I want to come back.

Great news: I graduated, I have a new job & I have enough money to pay tuition.
Bad news: I'm starting to lose one of my best friends of 7+ years and I have difficulty coping.

I'll keep you updated.
Much love, N.

#god #omnipresent #friendship #break #up #distance #sadness #fear #change

growingpains Mar 2018

The Sun, Our love story & I

I like the way you look at 5:16 in the morning
The alarm clock never ceases to ring
Your pitch blacks and royal blues make their way into my room
To drag me out of the dreams I had in loops

I like the way you look when you rise
When your atmosphere's all confused but still bright
When you shine with confidence
As you've let go of the insecurities with each occurence
When the rays of red, mixes with the blues
When the purple birthed seems hesitant and the pink joins in too
That's when you inspire me the most
When you show yourself through your shambles

I like the way you leave
The way your colours subtilely sneak
The way you are excited to go back
To maybe disappoint the insomniacs and help the most deprived

I like the way everything settles
Like the calm on the ocean's shore
As people find refuge, as people go home
I wait for your return,
While, through my head, the memories of you roam

This is a piece I wrote for a magazine, go check it out!: https://issuu.com/soliloquie

#sun #sunrise #sunset #life #love #colours #serenity #peace

growingpains Feb 2018

Red flags

But when all the red flags lose their pigment
When all the shades of red fade and seem to blend
Into familiar scenes, into familiar objects
And remind me of vibrant sunrise and a flowy sundress
Or of the Valentine's day heart-shape chocolate
It's hard to distinguish them
To pick them apart
And to recognize their alarm

Happy Valentine's day!

#valentines #day #love #red #flags #relationship #toxic #heartbreak

growingpains Jan 2018

A procrastinator with a calendar

It hurts
Not because of the void of today
Not because I no longer get to call your name
But because you know how much of a procrastinator I am
You know, I'm disorganized,
I never plan
My vision has always been vacant

But you want to know why it hurts?
Why my ego and my pride took such a hit, the wounds still burn?
It's because I envisioned a future
I saw you and I, together
I started planning, I created a calendar
Just so our lives could fit better

So, yeah, it doesn't hurt because of the present
Or because of what happened then
It hurts because letting you go meant letting go of our future
Of the only source of certainty in my calendar

#present #future #past #heartbreak #procrastinator #planning #letting #go

growingpains Jan 2018

Miscarriage: an unsuccessful outcome of something planned.

There's a part of you that still grows,
within me
But you've been buried deep in soil,
beneath me
Every day, I encounter,
the thought of our possible future
But maybe that was the world's way
Of telling me you weren't meant to stay

#future #miscarriage #plan #heartbreak #love #buried #unsuccessful

growingpains Jan 2018

Greed

I catch myself daydreaming,
about myself but living
In another world
or an alternative universe
I think of all the possibilities
That you and me could be
Of all the scenarios
Where our paths would come close
I think of what if I was a San Francisco native?
Or what if I had build my life in Paris?
When would we meet?
When would you fit?
Because if I'm resurrected
If I come back from the dead
I would want you, guaranteed
Ain't that some greed?

#greed #love #paris #san #francisco #resurrected #alternate #universe #wold #daydreaming