i think about you every day
it’s like your voice is on replay
but i’ll never get a chance to say
that which i wanted to relay

and it's okay
or at least i pray
my soul's at bay
it needs to stay

though to my dismay
i can’t look the other way
so in my heart, i will obey
and in my head, you’ll always stay

You’re not one of us.
Or perhaps we’re not one of them?
These statements place me much farther away from where I want to be.

Do you know what I find funny?
My room never fails to mirror my psychological state of being.
Like right now.
I’m currently sitting amongst my disheveled sheets and scattered laundry.
But I’m also desperately searching for my bonnet within the chaos.
And just like with my bonnet,
I can’t quite pinpoint what my thoughts are centered upon.
My bonnet could be anywhere,
Though my room is only so large.
And my thoughts could be anywhere,
Though I can’t imagine having much to think about.

Do you know what I find even funnier?
If I were to clean my room,
Right now,
I would probably find my bonnet.
I would most likely discover it under my pillowcase or behind my bed frame;
Perhaps on top of my desk or in my dresser.
But I refuse.
I mean where would I start,
And how long would it actually take me?
Yeah, I’m good.
I’m used to sitting in my clutter anyway.

I want her,
I need her,
I love her.

But I want them,
I need them,
I love them.

Is it a question of who I love more,
Or perhaps who I need more?

Maybe it’s a question of who I can live without,
But regardless, my answer stays the same.  

Why do they make me choose?
Why can’t I love her and you?

They are so adamant about me loving him
That they ignore the trueness of the love I have beside me.

Do you want me,
Do you need me,
Do you love me?

If you do,
Then you’ll let me love her.

Because I don’t want to choose;
I don’t want to choose between her and you.

I want you,
I need you,
I love you.

But when you’re gone,
Who will want me,
And need me,
And love me?

She will,
I know that she will.

So don’t make me choose.
I don’t want to,
But I will.

If me loving her keeps you from loving me,
Maybe I don’t need you.

Because while I will always love you,
I don’t want your hate,
And I don’t need your disgust;
I don’t want your animosity,
And I don’t need your disapproval.

If you can’t look at me and her the same way you’d look at me and him,
I don’t need you in my life ruining the bond that we've come to build.

I love you,
I need you,
I want you.

But I love her,
I need her,
I want her.

So don’t make me choose.
I don’t want to,
But I will.

in a state of absolute serenity, the world stands still;
seemingly surrounded by an energy no longer emitted by the chaotic tendencies of society.
the breeze fills my nostrils with a natural freshness found far from the carbon monstrosity of the urban world,
and the ripples, generated from such, travel diagonally across the lake in unison.
the birds dance with the waves, wings daintily kissing the water.
up and down they fly, closer and closer to the surface yet all the while making sure not to become consumed by the blue unknown.

i smile,
an unfamiliar yet pleasant warmth filling my belly.

my hands fall from my lap and my body follows, falling limp into the course pebble-filled sand.
the clouds are arranged at random but I can just make out the shape of a man.
my mind refines the image and immediately I’m presented with a toothy grin and well-rounded face.
i feel a tear slowly fall into the crevice of my ear yet my smile never disappears.
a whisper leaves my lips and the illusion vanishes though not without leaving me with a gift in return.

i flip onto my side and my legs curl up into my stomach.
eyes closed, I begin to laugh, tears still steadily falling.
i'm overwhelmed by his voice and immediately I feel the peace I’ve been yearning for since the day he left me.

drifting off into a deep slumber, I visualize the words gifted to me not so long ago,
the warmth of the sun pushing me further into an unconscious state.

Are you close?
Can you hear my voice?
I can’t tell where you are,
But I can feel your presence around me.

Where are you?
And where can I find you?
I can sense your aura,
Its strength indicates the proximity in which you reside.

Then why can’t I see you?
Why can’t I find you?
For I want you to shroud me with your essence,
Encapsulate me with your entity.

Only then can we abbreviate the distance separating our oneness,
Making whole what was always meant to be.

Where are you, my love?
I have been looking for you.

Reveal yourself to me,
Because I have grown weary of searching.

Every day I look
And every day I find,
Yet, every day I am drawn to question the authenticity of my findings,
Thrown back into another game of hide n’ seek.

But now, my heart is bound by fatigue
Its roots slowly grabbing hold of my body.
And nurtured with the soil of aggrievance,
They continue to grow.

Reveal yourself to me,
Because I have become paralyzed by my exhaustion.

But if you don’t,
I don’t blame you.

If I can’t muster the will to look,
Then I don’t deserve the right to find.

looking up looking down
im feeling so lonely
searching for the path nobody showed me
and even when i think that im closer to making it
it feels like a facade
like im faking it
when will i know that what is real and what is true
is that which i accomplished
my satisfaction is overdue
peace be my heart, i scream out loud
i wanna to be free from uncertainty,
I wanna smile i wanna be proud.

you may look at me as you please,
sure of my fulfillment and my success
but strangely enough, while others do this with ease
i don’t have access to these emotions
or perhaps someone just stole my key.

Heart-Pounding,
Beating out of my chest even.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Lips Quivering,
Teeth lightly nibbling the inner lining of my mouth.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Clouded Vision,
Constant tears dripping down my cheek.
Deep breath in, deep breath up.

Hands Trembling,
Objects easily slipping from my grasp.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Unruly Speech,
Unwanted whispers rolling off my tongue.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Limited Oxygen,
Panting heavily in a struggle for air.
Deep breath…

Wait.

Stop.

Think.

Why must we always take a breath?
Why must we be forced to push away our emotions,
Masking them with the habitual action of meditative respiring?
Why must we always breathe in, breathe out?

But are we really disguising our emotions?

Are we not just calming the soul,
Clearing the mind of unwanted thoughts and anxieties?
Are we not just providing ourselves with healing,
Alleviation from the painful memories engulfing the mind?

Yes.

Yes, we are.

So…

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Quiet the pounding of your heart.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Tranquilize the tremulousness of your lips.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Stop the flow of your once never ending stream of tears.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Relax the overactivity of your limbs.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Replace your anxious whispers with peaceful meditations.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Rectify your oxygen flow.

Don’t mask your emotions,
Regulate your responsiveness.
Evaluate your situation.
Intelligently weigh your decisions.
Dominate your way of thinking.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

It works.

I promise.

Beauty
Love
Joy
Kindness
Light.
Light was all I was capable of seeing
Never did I shield my eyes from the sun
No.
I surrounded myself with the very essence of light
The glow radiated off of me in such a way that blinded anyone near
Briefly allowing them an escape from the darkness I was unaware of.

Years passed and my lamp still shone brightly
Unafflicted nor affected by the darkness of this world
Until it was.
My eyes were opened
No longer was I squinting at the world through the blinding sun
No.
They were opened
For once I noticed a difference in how society treated my people,
My family
The light flickered
I noticed the prominence of hate and separation
I noticed the way they looked at us and saw how they expected less from me
The flicker ceased
The lights went out
I was surrounded by darkness
The blinds had been lifted from my eyes only to reveal a starless night
For a while, the glow that once encompassed my being was no more
Replaced by a murky mask and a broken spirit
For a while, I couldn't find the light
I was trapped in a closeted pit of sorrow.
It wasn't until much later that I discovered the true identity of this lost light source,
It was my innocence

My innocence had been lost
Snatched up by the hands of discrimination
Stolen by the forces of premeditative thoughts and colonial idealism
I didn’t want it to be, but it was
Gone.
It’s location unknown to all
I had to say goodbye to my sun
I had to mature and grow and learn about the faults of this world
I needed to develop a deeper understanding of the darkness
All the while escaping from its ungiving grasp

Perhaps I could illuminate this gloomy obscurity
Find another light source that could renew my once ever-present glow.
No longer will I be forced to squint through life
Staring into the blinding light of the sun
Nor would I be completely incapable of seeing the luminosity of this world.
No.
It was a tinted light
One that understood the pain of this world while also witnessing its beauty

My sun had been swallowed
But a newly discovered star had been born.

I knock on the door, he says go away
I plead and I beg, let me in, I say
Please let me in
He pushes me astray, telling me to find another home to invade
Stepping aside I reveal one large flowerpot filled to the brim with soil and three blooming flowers
May I at least enrich your garden with my three budding fruits
Reaching out, the homeowner grabs hold of the cylindrical vessel
One by one he looks each flower up and down, examining their brightly captivating colors
Their yellow-like nature shines like gold in the sun
The depth of their cocoa centers contrasting beautifully with those same honey dyed petals.
Looking over into his garden, I see only white flowers.
Though equally beautiful, the unanimous collection lacked the distinction that my prodigies could provide
Awaiting his response, my head falls limply in reverence
Yet I remain confident
A smile gracing my lips.
I was excited to see
Excited to witness the opportunity my blossoms would be given to thrive in a nurturing environment
Yet as my head rose and my eyes lifted,
All reassurance left my face,
My happiness transformed into terror
Before me stood a man seeming ten feet taller and baring the face of a fiend
A wicked smile replaced his pondering expression,
A snicker belt out from his nostrils.
Looking into my eyes, the homeowner spit his words into my face
The saliva causing a sickening chill to run throughout my body
In my heart, his words will forever stay
My God-given soul permanently hardened to stone  
No. They are the wrong color.
A shiver sparking a queasiness in my belly
As are you.

I listen to the sounds of the breeze
I focus deeply upon its hum as it travels through the atmosphere.
It drifts past my ears creating a humanly like voice
I attentively tilt my head.
What that last phase was...I cannot be sure.
Yet I lift my body up attentively and look out into the night.

What is it about you that I like so much?
Truthfully, I’ve forgotten.
Like why WW1 started in the first place
Or what the chemical symbol for iron is on the periodic table.

What does that say about our relationship?
The answer is beyond me.

But much like the chemical symbol for iron and the reasoning behind the first World World,
I can easily find the answer in my brain’s built-in memory box.

Thank you, hippocampus.

However,
One is only able to retrieve a memory or fact that has been taught or revealed to them in the past.  

That being said,
If I truly don’t know why I fell for you
Maybe I never did in the first place.

Now that would make sense.

Feelings or Conceptions?
Emotions or Infatuation?
Love or Curiosity?

Is it wrong for me to question my inclinations?
To question my motives and reasons for loving someone?
Is it wrong for me to wonder whether or not I’m just attracted to one’s sensuality?
Perhaps consumed by their visual enticement—
Whether or not I’m just captivated by the unknown territory teasing me away from the norm?
Possibly seduced by the inexplicable euphoria unattainable by other desirable methods––

I am left confused,
Conflicted,
And in question.

Let’s try again,
Maybe do another dance.
This song’s a bit too slow,
Speed up the rhythm.
Keep up with my movements,
Grip me tight,
But loosen up;
There’re some new moves I want to show you.
Start out easy,
Then match the music.
Push against my core,
And let’s merge into one.
Jump on a cloud,
We can float to tomorrow.
Hips swaying,
Bodies perspiring,
Take me away.
As long as you wake up beside me,
The music will follow.

What goes up must come down.

It's the law of gravity.

You throw a ball up into the air and what does it do?

It falls right back down towards the ground at the acceleration of 9.81m/s2

It’s the exact acceleration of anything in freefall,
Despite its weight or mass
Despite its shape or value
It falls right back to the ground at 9.81m/s2

So specific.

Well yes.
Yes, because it is important for you to understand this principle of behavior.

You see, the same law occurs in life.

Let’s pretend you were a ball, and I threw you up in the air…

I threw you up so high that you could see the birds and touch the clouds.
I threw you so high that you were gathered up in a breeze, taken across the entirety of the city.
I threw you so high that you were enveloped into a storm, tossed and turned in the wind and rain.
I threw you so high that you emerged from the chaos and floated above the atmosphere.

At this point, you’ve stopped.

For the briefest of moments, you're exposed to one of the most stunning of natural masterpieces.
The sky is painted a pretty titian shade spotted with drops of fuchsia and indigo
The sun shines and sparkles in your peripheral view, glinting and gleaming off of your rounded form.
A heavenly phenomenon.

Yet what goes up, must always come down
And after the briefest of moments, you fall.

You fall right back through the treacherous storms, being pushed forcefully by the wind
You fall right back down towards the heart of the city, tumbling in the breeze
You fall right back down through the clouds and past the birds
You fall right back down until you reach the ground and your journey comes to an end.

Your life comes to an end.

While in the air, you were exposed to a multitude of different situations and scenarios.
You saw beauty and chaos
You were really living.

But in the end, gravity takes its course.

Life takes its course.

Because all that lives must die,

And all that goes up must come down.

I love you.

No. Shut up.
You don’t get to love me.
You don’t get to drown me in the sea of your fabricated passion,
Nor do you get to drag me through the gravel of your emotional inventions.
I see through your facade;
Your desperation to keep me close,
The fear of losing me rendering you incapable of rationality.
You convince yourself of these feelings
Yet in the process of fooling me,
You deceive yourself.
You ensnare me in the waves of your fiction,
But clasp your soul onto the crown of an anchor.

Keep lying to yourself.
Soon enough you’ll find yourself at the bottom of the ocean.