crying over a boy
introduces a new sadness
to your
nearly dry tear ducts

sure, you cry
over the bachelor
or a nicholas sparks
novel
but when the boy
is real
and tangible
losing him
hits
harder

you'd grown accustomed
to him
seeing him smile
watching his adam's apple
bob in his throat
when he laughed
hearing him sing
in the car
hearing him
breathe

he was alive

and you'd drop everything
when his name was the one
on your phone screen

you'd try to respond
as soon as you could
because then he could
respond
sooner

you weren't afraid
of running him off
because you knew
he would never leave

so when he did
you had to adjust

seeing someone
whose smile was
just barely
his
would break you

making your friends
laugh
but only wanting to hear
that strange and subtle
way
he would laugh

singing along to the radio
despite knowing
that he'll never know
the lyrics to your song
and you'll never
get to laugh about it
with him

breathing
even though
it hurts

even though he's gone
you still check your notifications
for his name

and you realize
maybe he ran away
because you
weren't worth the chase

and your boy tears
stain your face

revealing the patches
where your foundation
once was

i keep giving myself away
blocks of love
or trust
constantly leave my foundation

and sure
i get love or trust back
but i've given     so
            much
that no matter      how much i
      get
my.  foundation
remains
fra  gmen  ted

i          know  
     that           i'm too giving
but at the same   time
i can always
g i v e
      more

i will give until
i       b  r
e
     a
k
until i    f
                 a
                    l
                      l

no matter how many times
i give
and then break
i will never
stop
opening      myself
               up

to being broken again

the way you breathe
how it sounds like you're always taking your first
and last breath

it's like you're gasping for air
but sighing
because you know it could all
stop
in an instant and you're okay with that

the way you breathe
fills my lungs
because i love breathing you in
feeling you
knowing you
you

It is in the woods
In the world
That i may find peace
Whether resting on the banks of despair
Or wandering through a thicket of feeling
I come to find
Deep seclusion
That grants me thought
And while i may take pause
It is then
And then alone
That i am
Truly at peace
All this world has beauty
And it is i who finds
Great these scenes

I can feel it all within me
My blood courses through my veins
Akin the coursing river i pass by
It is not easy to acknowledge
But i often grant no thought
To the world around
Blind i am
And blind i remain
But in this world i am given
Tranquil restoration

Until i am dead and gone
No more flesh
No more bone
I will contemplate this world
These mountains
And rivers
Trees
And cliffs
For the great care that has been given it
Will be continued through me
And when i am but a soul
A spirit
Drifting
My harmony with the world
And serenity will
Carry on

But oh
Death
I deny it me
It cannot steal me
From my pleasure
I bask in creation
And all around me
The earth shakes with shivers
I know all too well
Until my thoughts are thoughts no more
I will hope the future
Will ask for me

I thirst
I thirst for what i do not know
What i cannot see
And what my eyes have recognized but my heart has not
The nature i lose myself in has caused me
To lose myself
I know not what i be
Or what i’ll be
But the times past are no more
And i weep for them

As a man i am curious
What lies beyond
The cries of fallen brethren
The sad harmonies that the animals we’ve displaced
Escape their bodies
They mourn
And so do i
I am
Compelled
To tell their stories
To sing their songs
In a major key

I am a slave to it
The world i’ve ignored
I need not the society
I abandoned up the road
Nature has stolen my heart
My thoughts
My life
My me

I catch a glimpse
Of who i was
The things i once found true
And i shudder
For mother nature was not
And is not greedy
She cares for her children
In ways i could never understand
It brings her joy to raise life up
And we deny her that
Day after day
Yet still
She smiles

We walked this together
You and i
Recalling that once our mother would be there
Waiting
Calling
But now
It is only me
I am alone
And i wander
With sorrowful thoughts
And despairing diction
With a mother who is not mine
Mother nature
Who welcomes me
And embraces me
Yet still
I am alone
The moon highlights my path
And where there were once two sets
Of footsteps
It is now only one
The ghost of you --
Dear sister --
Trailing further and further
Away

it's funny
when we'd drive together
you'd scream-sing
and i'd sit and laugh
happy to see
that you were happy
and enjoying yourself

then i'd go home
and abuse the "repeat" button
listening to the songs
you'd made me love

and i'd find myself humming them
and then singing them
and then screaming them in the car
even when you weren't there

i put them in every playlist
because i remembered
how happy you were
when you'd sing them

but now that i know
you'll never be in the driver's seat
scream-singing to me
ever
again

the songs i loved
have moved into my sad songs playlist
and have become
the songs i skip
without giving them a chance to play

and even though
the lyrics are upbeat
and happy

they've got me feeling
some kind of way
i don't wanna feel

sadness is overplayed
overhyped

everything
your songs
our songs
never were

perhaps
there's a relapse
in order

because
i remember
that a few years back
everything
made me sad
or bored
or upset
or pessimistic

and i'm not
antagonistic
but the
depressed me
couldn't think of
anything happy

and ten times
i tried

i tried to **** myself

the eleventh time i tried was last year

so it's been awhile
but not long enough

and now i'm feeling
negative
sad
desolate
again

and i don't want there
to be
a twelfth time

but i'm scared
i'll relapse
into destruction

and won't come out this time

twelve has always
always
been my lucky number

so if i try again
i'll
"get lucky"
and die

but i don't really want to die

for the past few years
this girl
has been missing

her name is elizabeth
or abigail
or judy
or jane
or laura
or julie
or becca
or sasheer
or any other girl
i don't know

i couldn't tell you her name

her last known location
was here
or there
or wandering around a target
not knowing where to go
or who to trust

she's ten
or twenty
or sixteen
or maybe she doesn't know

she's been out of it
for so long
she couldn't tell you
who she is
or where she's from

all she knows
is that she's alone
and afraid

but she doesn't know who took her

she knows
that she let go
of herself
for a moment
a split second

and now
she's gone