I have run out
Of people to run to
When everything is falling apart

I touch my hipbone
And this one spot beneath my chest
Ever so slightly
When I want to feel better
About anything

I wish the earth gave you an option
Night or day
For when you need goosebumps from the sun
Or a calm, cool silence

Sometimes broken
Is better than bent
Because bent might break later on

All day
all YEAR
I have been listening to the voices
traveling through my ears
playing over and over again in my head

They tell me,
You need to work hard
You need to work harder
You cannot fail
Just do your best

What the sources of these voices do not realize
I am working as hard as I can
My best does not matter
My best is the same as failing

I try my hardest
Yet you would never know
Funny, how most people think I'm slacking
When I really have nothing left to give

My best is everyone else's worst
Which is why I have stopped trying
Why I have been destroying myself
and become addicted to death

I am not good enough
I was once
Those days are long gone now
Gold stars masked by average, maybe less

There is nothing left of me to give
that is worthwhile
Nothing left to show
that might mean something
to someone

If I had gone home with you,
like I so badly wanted to do,
what would have happened?

Would you have continued to whisper
your go-to lines to me,
the ones I'm sure you use on every girl you meet?

Would you have touched every inch of me,
or would you have stayed clear
of the parts that have too many inches
that aren't worth touching?

Would I have felt safe or afraid
or guilty or wonderful
or lonely or at peace?

Would you have asked me to stay?

If I had woken up
early in the morning,
like I always do,
would I have woken you up, too?

Would your arms have been wrapped around me,
as you did all night,
letting me know that, in this moment,
I am yours?

Would you have felt my body shift
searching to find the perfect location
and would you have wrapped your arms tighter
or would you have rolled over,
giving my skin the first taste
of the cool morning air?

Would you have woken up
wondering who I was?
Would you have been pleased to see me
or disgusted
that your drunken eyes have much lower standards?

Would you have kissed me as I left?
Would you have said goodbye at all?

Would I have spent the rest of the day thinking of you?

We were barely teens together
and now we're barely sober
on opposite sides of the country

I see photos of her,
sparking thoughts I wish I could erase

She gained so much weight,
I wonder what happened,
She used to look so good

In my critical analysis of her figure
(I could earn a PhD in Judgment of Others)
I miscount the curves of her face,
the shadows falling where they should not be

Her cheeks, I see
(they've gotten bigger)
but I forget to cancel out
the inflation from her smile

Little fingers
That cannot yet hold on
Wrap around my heart
And stretch it bigger

Little legs
Still learning to walk
Run circles around my mind
Leaving joy wherever they go

How is it,
That something so small,
So tiny,
So new,
Can give such big hugs,
Spread so much love,
And bring me happiness
In a way that nothing else can?

For three years now,
I have had your soul.
You have opened the door,
let me in,
and given me the grand tour.

Now I ask for your body,
the acres that surround
and protect you,
the trees and the flowers that grow out front.

Our minds have collided,
our hearts made room,
and now I want to wrap around you,
touch all of the inches
that you have not shown me yet.

I didn't have that much to drink
I could see straight
I could walk straight
But my mind was cloudy
With thoughts of you

I pretended I had more than I did
So you would answer honestly
When I told you I wanted you here

You thought it was the alcohol talking
The whiskey telling you
I need you next to me

It was just me
Lonely and desperate
To feel wanted by someone
Three thousand miles away