I singe my hair dry
so it stays perfectly straight
even as I toss it over my shoulder
pretending I don't care
about your overused compliments
and your cinematic lines

I fill up my pores
with liquid lust
so that when I force myself to turn away
my skin glows with the kind of confidence
that can only be bought
in drug store chains

I rip every leg hair
from it's follicle home
so that when you graze my knee
with your lying fingers
you feel my vulnerable skin
and touch my soul in a way
that freezes my body to stone

I pull on the tightest dress
in hopes that it squeezes out
my crazy, romantic thoughts
and leaves nothing but the curves you desire

I speak perfectly chosen words
that I barely hear
because they are not my own
but they will win you over

I do all of this
just to come home alone
at the end of the night
and crawl into my bed
and think about the guy
I would rather have performed for
during this production

There are too many things
I still want to do with you

Baseball games
in the blistering heat
so I can Instagram our love

Trips to the city
I'll tweet about
just vaguely enough that people wonder
what we did all night
in that big hotel room

Swimming with sharks
getting likes on our Facebook photos
and jealous messages from our friends

Our relationship
was always set to private
I guess I liked it better that way
but whether or not my friends can see it
there are too many things
I still want to do with you

Please don't be done with me yet

"I'm going to sleep," I tell you,
but I will lie awake for hours,
tracing up and down
my hips,
my thighs,
my stomach,
my ribs,
pressing down and gently grazing,
contorting my body,
until I feel exactly what I want

Maybe if I lay like this,
sleep like this
for hours,
I will become the person I see in my dreams

Being with you was like ice cream.

I craved it.
The taste, the smell, the summer sun that came with it.
Ice cream was more than a food,
it was an experience.

It came in different flavors
to fit your mood,
the time of day,
your anticipating taste buds.
Sometimes, it wasn't exactly what you wanted
but it was always good
and more often than not
it was better than expected.

And as I eat ice cream,
I am happy.
It's like I am a little kid,
everything is perfect,
nothing could go wrong.

And then it is over,
the ice cream is gone,
and a little hole forms in my heart,
but the ice cream melts and fills it up.

Soon after, I feel sick to my stomach.
How could something so good make me feel so bad?

I am lactose-intolerant.
Now, I crave something I cannot have.

I climbed into bed,
dizzy from the drinks
and the dancing
and the fun

Staring at the darkness,
Is this the ceiling or the wall?
I feel the air between my teeth
They are not pressed together
I think to myself,
How sad is it,
that I need to go to bed
with ***** for blood
so as not to feel the weight
piling on my bones?

I am not the girl I used to be--
I used to wipe away worry
like a foggy mirror,
but now my stomach
is in a permanent knot
and my skin is soaking wet
from the stress shower I have taken
and it won't seem to dry

My mother laughed at me
when I said the word
Desserts has always come out
but now I'm speaking backwards

I am not your daughter

The first boy I ever slept with
All we did was sleep
Even though in the middle of the night
Which I suppose was early in the morning
I woke up
Wanting you as close as possible
And I woke you up
Trying to get closer
And you kissed my lips
And you kissed my neck
And your hands touched my bare hip bones
That I pushed out ever so carefully
So you would think that I was skinnier
And you climbed on top of me
And I wanted you there
But my mind kept screaming
No, stop, this isn't a good idea
So I broke the silence
By just saying
Stop.
And I continued to kiss you as tried to understand
What I wanted to stop
It didn't matter
That I said no to an idea that was never written down
Because you rolled over
And wrapped your arms around me
But I carefully moved your hands
To where I wanted them to be
Because I was afraid
Of being just a body to you
And not a pretty one at that

I feel like the light is always on in our closet
Like someone recently decided who they wanted to be today
Or they are keeping it ready
In case they change their mind