I turned twenty one today,
and I was hoping I would wake up 21
instead of being awake into my birthday

My thoughts were so loud it was
physically impossible to quiet them

I got a message from you saying you loved me and saying happy birthday before you fell asleep
before I fell asleep  
I smiled and knew I would see you that day

but that day, today, I woke up
after an hour of sleep at 6 am
only to watch the sunrise and share laughs
with my mother whom I shared a bed with that night, instead of you.

I drove around to try and figure out what to do
where to go, what I needed for the day,
I wound up at breakfast with my mother
and breakfast was a disappointment
the unmelted cheese on my breakfast sandwich striked me the wrong way
at breakfast you messaged me with something new that had happened
a people pleaser you are, trying to figure out what's best to do

I went to the house I'm staying at
and I tried to take a nap but my head hurt so bad I laid down for two hours  
then went for a walk

and took a good long look at the city I have moved to,
the city, that makes my heart sing
I took a breath of fresh air and reminded myself that I have chosen to be here

After that I slept
for an hour at that
and at 4:30 pm I had another message
for something else from you
that had come up

I cried and I called you
and we argued for two hours as I stood in the rain in the back yard, once again looking out at the city.

my family didn't go to dinner
because I cried too much to get myself together

I didn't do anything I wanted to do today, on my birthday, my twenty first birthday
supposedly the most memorable birthday in your life
besides fifty I guess

but today I realized that expectations don't exist for some people
and today I realized that birthdays are just another day

"Happy Birthday, Emily." you said,
as my tears ran in direct contact with the shower water

Happy Birthday Emily
Maybe next year will be better

the moon competes with the sun
just like I competed with her long black hair
her piercing eyes that looked like the ocean
and the sky when I would wake up early

I watched the way you looked at her when you thought no one was watching
but I kept an eye out
every time I felt the hairs on my neck stand up

I questioned you about her
you said it was nothing
you told me she was your best
and you’ve known her forever
that nothing would happen
because you knew better

you said you liked her as much as I liked peppers
I used to hate peppers

but I guess things change

I now eat peppers

I’m still getting used to them

and you’re still calling me at 4 AM
asking if I like the taste
and I’m wondering if you really learned to love her

I used to feel like a little kid
going to the playground on Thursdays
because Thursdays were the days
where I got to see you for four days straight
and mondays were sad because i left your nest
and i went back “home”

On Tuesdays I missed you
I didn’t get to see you,
even though every other Wednesday I did
but then not for another weekend
not until Thursday

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was eight, and I couldn’t change anything.

I was four when you sat me down
four years old and you said you didn’t love mom anymore
and mom said she didn’t love you
and you said you were going somewhere else
and I didn’t know where
you wound up living in a womans basement
and now that i’m older I know her ex husband

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was four, and I couldn’t change anything.

I hurt myself for the first time
not because of you
no i don’t want to blame you
but it also wasn’t just me
I hurt myself more
and you didn’t really think
when you told me I was doing it for attention
because then my vision was white and my head was heavy
I thought of those words
I still think of those words

It was complicated, and I couldn’t change that
I was fifteen, and I couldn’t change anything.

I heard you cry
because I was dying
the only time
I’ve ever seen you
have any emotion
it changed my life
but didn’t change you

Im twenty years old and I live with you
I’m twenty years old and I don’t see you for days
I’m twenty years old and you have no idea who I am
I’m twenty years old and you seem like you’re dead

I’m twenty years old and twenty year olds still need a Father.

upon finally reaching the point of breaking
you ask yourself many questions
to try to understand your own sanity

you wonder if what you have done is right?
if you could have made it easier?
if you could have changed the way things turned out?

but not only do you question these things,
you ask yourself if it was ever really worth it?

the emotions that are pumping and pushing through your veins are only temporary
and there will always be a light in your heart that shines brighter than one thousand suns

pick yourself up and keep going because giving up,
well, giving up is not what life is about.

Trying to breathe deeply
is like trying to find God
in a world riddled with
people named Lucifer.

The reality is,
you will never find God if you're
searching too hard.

Looking too deeply for anything
is like blinding yourself
from the reality that
sits
right
infront
of

you.

I remember when i found out
my heart had left my body and my hands were trembling

I remember when you were my best friend and we were inseparable

I remember making forts together with the basement cushions

I remember dancing through the days with the top hits of 2002

I remember when you started staying out all night and sneaking in 

I remember when you changed your friends

I remember when your eyes didn’t look the same

I remember when you showed me a green plant

I remember when you showed me a small pill
I remember when I took drugs with you
and we danced through the day just like old times

I remember when you were dragged down the hallway by your hair
and all I could see was your feet flailing
and all i could hear was your piercing screams

I don’t remember you for fourteen months

until you came back for thanksgiving

I remember your eyes didn’t look the same

I remember your voice was different 

I remember your legs looked like small branches
and your cheeks were sunken in

I don’t remember you for two months

I remember when you went away
and you said you were going to get better

I remember before you left
we laid in my bed
and you showed me your scars
and told me your stories

I remember you looked me in the eyes and told me everything was going to be okay

I remember you crying through the nights
taking endless cold water baths
and throwing up until the sun came up

I remember the day you left and all you wanted to do was smoke one last cigarette

I don’t remember you for three weeks


I remember you when you came back
I remember you gained weight

I remember you looked healthy

I remember you glowing with beauty

I remember my mom finding a spoon in the drawer of the bed side table
with burnt cotton

I remember her telling me not to come home because she didn’t want me to be there when she told you to leave

I remember you called me and you cried
and you said sorry to me

I don’t remember you for eighteen months

until you called your dad three days before my birthday
and said you used his insurance for rehab and you needed money for your prescription

I don’t remember you for two months

I remember you at thanksgiving but your mind wasn’t there 
just your body

I’m sure I won’t remember you for another seven months.

The friends you party with are not really your friends. They’re just there for the ***** and the *** and the drugs and couldn’t care less about the problems you’re dealing with. Find the friends who will stay up all night listening to them no matter how pointless they are.

2. Stop conforming to societys forms of normality. Carry yourself with pride and never let anyones ***** looks get you down. You are beautiful with the way you dress, the way you walk, and the way you talk.

3. If you want to travel and you have no money, make enough to buy a plane ticket and travel. Don’t waste your money on eating out with friends, don’t waste your money on those boots from Macy’s. Save it for the trip.

4. The boy who tells you he loves you but doesn’t make you feel good enough is not someone you should spend any more time with. Just because you don’t have a good enough reason to end the relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You will never question real love when it comes around.

5. If a lie is being said about you, don’t waste your energy fighting it. Your true friends will know what is true and they will be there at the end of it all.

6. Drive. Drive to far places just to see the sights that you don’t see on your everyday drive to work. It’ll make you not hate where you live so much.

7. Go to dinner at your Moms house even though she lives 20 minutes away. She’ll always offer you food to take home and you’ll get to see your favorite animals. She will eventually become your voice of reason and the best, best friend you’ve ever had.

8. When your Dad argues with you try to not take it as personally as you used to when you were a kid. He’s just very stubborn and so are you. Things will look up, don’t lose faith just yet.

9. Always make time to go see your grandparents. They will always be the most understanding, forgiving people in your life. They will ALWAYS have your back.

10. Stop spending so much time on the computer. Books are good, books will always relax you. Read three books at once, buy cook books, books about life, and books about the universe. There is no such thing as useless facts.

11. When your closest friend is depressed, make blanket forts with them, watch happy movies with them and laugh about things that don’t make sense. Be there for them but not out of pity, out of love. One day it may save their life.

12. Be nice, no matter how much you may dislike someone, **** them with kindness because at the end of the day it may help you have a better understanding of who they are. Who knows, you may walk out with a new friend.

13. Don’t believe things when people tell you them. No matter how convincing they may be, don’t trust a word someone says that you haven’t known for more than five years. Chances are they are only telling you what you want to hear.

14. QUALITY over quantity. With everything, always.

15. Don’t feel bad about taking time for yourself. Sometimes it’s too hard to muster up someone else’s problems along with yours. Spread your wings, let go, be free and find yourself.

16. Watch the sunrise once a month because it’s different every time and you will forget your thoughts for a short period of time.

17. When your best friend of five years cries in front of you, be her shoulder, be her back bone. She has fought too many years that her back may be breaking but you are her reinforcement, never let her go.

18. Go hiking and see all the beautiful places you have only seen in photographs. Take time to breathe in the air, take mental pictures of the way the clouds look, remember what shoes you were wearing and how ***** they got. Climb to the highest peak and scream at the top of your lungs.

19. There are better places than home. But home isn’t really where you’ve come from or where you’re going, it’s where you find yourself comfortable. Where you are 100% capable of being yourself. Whether it be with your best friend, at your mothers home, at work, in nature, or by yourself. Find your home - it will always make you feel better.

20. No expectations, no disappointments. The saying goes - do as you would what others to do onto you. But, we all know this isn’t an actual concept, because my friends, chivalry is dead! BUT let me say, when you live life without expectations, you will be very surprised at what will be presented your way.

21. Let yourself loose, don’t be afraid to live. Making adult decisions may be the hardest thing you have to do. You will worry about what your family thinks, what your friends will think, and maybe what your old college professor may think. Your life is your life, DO NOT be afraid to do as you please. And if you fail at something, so what? Get up and try again. Be smart, be vivid, be wise, always be open to learn new things.

Nights like these are calm
and I think about you

and I like to read poetry

and I used to pick the neighbors dandelions

then one day I realized flowers are better untouched

and maybe so am I

but then I think about you

and that reading poetry makes me calm

and nights like these

I rest easy

you never loved me
and you made me feel like i could never be loved
you made me feel unwanted and shameful
and i don’t really like to feel shameful

i used to feel that way and I’m not too fond of that feeling
im not too fond of shame because it haunts people
and even though its human nature
it doesn’t make it easier

you never loved me
and you made me feel like i was wrong
but i wasn’t wrong for having friends
you were just jealous
and i’m not fond of jealousy

you never loved me
and you made me feel pain
you made me feel bruises
you made me feel heartbreak
you ripped me to shreds

I never liked it when you hit me

if I could count the times
I've second guessed my decisions
in the past few months
I would be counting for hours,
maybe days,
or maybe months.

I've experienced
the black hole,
the dead end,
the wrong turn.

I've experienced life.

I write poetry in my head quite a lot
but I forget when I wake up
just like I have forgotten how to breathe
somehow that happens in the spaces between your ears
in through your nose
out through your mouth
my parents told me this a lot
when they were together
I don't remember them being together
besides when the argued in the room painted with dandelions
that was my room, my mother painted it
I don't want to be like my parents
I'd rather forget how to breathe
than stab someone's heart

when I came home I laid
with all my clothes on
sinking into my bed
then fell asleep

it was comforting
being held by cotton
for the night
it reminded me of you

everyday I have slept
in these clothes
that I don’t like

because they remind me
of how your blankets
hugged my hips
and your velvet hands
touched my skin

I’ve slept in my clothes
every night since then
and now it has
become a habit
I’m not really
reminded
of you
anymore

There’s been a lot of nights 
recently

where the howling of the trees 
makes my soul feel at home

There’s been a lot of nights 
recently 
where
I remember that 
I am not stagnant

There’s been a lot of nights 
recently 
when
I’ve thought that 
this isn’t right 

but my mind circles back 
on its seventh time around

the round-a-bout

and I try not to get stuck

in the cal-de-sac of lies 

that this town 
is trying
to make me 

believe

Over the past few months 

it’s been easy to get by 

without my mother-

but my father,
on the other hand,
is the pair of scuffed shoes
I keep tucked away in the closet

my favorite shoes,
they once were, 

I wore them until they fell apart


I kept them hidden
so no one could see

that buried underneath all the shoes, 
my once favorite shoes,
lay ruined,

just like my father

who was once
my favorite too

its quiet, except for the hum of the fan

both fans, I mean,

there’s two,

because its too hot for just one.

it’s quiet, except in my head

there is a drummer,

along with an orchestra,

and a marching band.

some days it’s harder to see straight,

and harder to train my mind to think

correctly and not,

irrationally.

the ceiling fan makes a tapping noise

its very quick,

then stops,

then comes back quick again,

then stops,
and I guess that fan is kind of like me.

I ******* hate the ceiling fan.

I’ll never forget you
not because you’ll never forget me
but even so if we were on opposite ends of the earth
I would still find you

I’ll never forget you
because the way you looked at me melted my soul
It melted the chamber of ice around my ribs
melted the cold heart that sits inside my thorax
melted my mind and reminded me
that not every living creature is as bad as the last

I’ll never forget you
because the seeds that were neglected in my ribcage have turned
into beautiful flowers because you never forgot to water them
your eyes were blue like the ocean and they drowned me

I’ll never forget you
because you always came back when I needed someone
and I don’t always need someone
but I always need you
and I can’t do this alone
but I can’t find you
are you here?

where are you going
I hope you come back

I know you will
I hope you will

"Do you see the sky?" I asked
as I waited for a response.

I waited,
and waited
and waited.

I realized that there wouldn't be one,
because the conversationalist
I speak to
(in my head)
has left.

The sun sets to the north of the mountains,
if you're standing in the front yard it's hard to see.

But I see it when I dream,
when I think of happier things,
I wonder why I feel so distant,

I wonder why when I pull my irises back into the socket where they sleep.

"Do you see the sky?" I asked
You responded, finally,

with the most dismal response one could conjur

"that I do."

When all I wanted,
was to share it with you.

I call myself a Professional Sleeper
Because I was convinced I could sleep through
any type of sadness or any type of confusion.

I was convinced I could sleep after
any argument or any type of disaster.

Yet, for the past two nights I have weapt myself to sleep
as my brain swells against my skull and makes my thoughts feel like cymbols in a marching band

I was convinced I would be able to sleep off even the worst of times
and that would be how I coped

But once you try to sleep when your heart is breaking, and your head is screaming, and your eyes are too sore to shut,

It's impossible
I promise you.

3:11am

I’m sweating 

three minutes ago I was freezing 

but I caught myself drowning 
in my feelings of missing you 

and that’s become terrifyingly 
uncomfortable

3:12am

the sheets are still off my bed

they have been since I left 

I’m still laying uncomfortably 

but I can’t muster the courage 
to fix them

3:13am

the candle light flickers

and I think of things we used to do

I didn’t spend too much time with you

why am I feeling so cold again

3:14am

there’s no sense in dwelling

on things out of my control

but I’m playing out scenarios 

of how this could have been

it’s 3:14am 

and I haven’t slipped into 

unconsciousness yet

I’m too afraid to dream 

because I know you’ll be interrupting

3:15am 

I’m still breathing

each month seems to get easier
and the everyday routine
is more familiar

the black and white world
slowly regains color once again

I sleep on the right side of the bed,
even though I used to sleep on the left,
or sometimes in the middle,
constantly waking you up for sounding like a pig while you slept.

I don't do the dishes right away anymore,
part of me is waiting for you to knock on the door.

I don't like to drink alcohol because your face has consumed my brain, and just one sip, just one drink, just one shot, is not enough.
Neither is seven.

I am trying so hard to be the bigger person,
to move on,
to grow up,
to mend my broken heart of all of its contusions.

But, broken hearts are not easily mended, and loneliness is not easily fixed when you only have yourself.

Time is the motto,
and patience is the key.

I struggle a lot

and the weight on my shoulders
makes my back ache
more than it already should

and the tears in my eyes
make my vision blurred
more than its supposed to be

and the shaking of my hands
makes my arms weak
and driving more difficult than it seems

I choke when I try to explain
because not everyone understands
and sometimes trying to understand
is trying to see colors
when you’re colorblind
or hear things
when you’re deaf
or take steps
when you’re paralyzed

I struggle a lot
and not every one knows
I struggle
I struggle
I struggle
but I’m still breathing
I’m still grounding
I’m still here

Its hard feeling disconnected, feeling unable to replace the pieces that have been torn apart. Although they are not necessarily torn, or broken, they are bent. They are bent like me, like my brain, like my heart, like my soul, like the bones in my back that have never healed, like the pain in my neck when I lay still in bed.

Finding a solution to a problem isn’t always the best option, but feeling confident is.
I wonder how famous people feel when they realize the only obstacles they have ever had to accomplish were:

1. Reaching fame some how

2. What the general population thinks of their latest scandal

I wonder how my mom still think she’s the greatest person on earth when she isn’t really capable of understanding how I feel, or understanding anything in the realm that doesn’t involve her.

I wonder how my father can be single for 17 years now and never really looked at anyone else, I wonder why he is so reserved, why I’ve never met his friends, why I always question where he is or if he really loves me.

I wonder why the boy I love lays silent when we argue, but jumps to spend quality time with the neighbor downstairs, I wonder why we aren’t how we used to be, why he doesn’t notice when I’m sad anymore. I wonder where the spark in his eyes went. Maybe it was left in New Mexico.
My best friend is detached, and I’m trying trying trying to be there for her. But what do you do when someone is too absorbed in believing things about themselves that it is impossible to help them, impossible to make them feel any better about themselves. 

I spend too much money on drug-store nail polish just to pick it off my nails 4 hours later. I would be writing but there’s no pen in this apartment. The only pen I owned has disappeared. But spending my money on pens doesn’t really seem ideal.

I hate the taste of thick dense beer because it makes my chest clench up. I’m tired of people telling me I need to not be so picky, or “close-minded.”

I hate the word close-minded

I don’t like thick beer because it hurts my chest

Just the same way I don’t like boys who break hearts

But I don’t like girls who break hearts either

and I’m… Well I’m a heartbreaker

So I guess I should add my name on the list of all the people who hate me because that makes sense right? Instead of being a hypocrite, maybe

I kinda lost my train of thought

and now here I am

feeling disconnected, 

from life,

from friends, 

from me.

I am uncomfortable

uncomfortably comparing myself to
the many souls you’ve been with
yet slowly realizing you’re a
chameleon

your tongue slithers words
that only your brain can fathom
you swear it’s the truth
as you hold knotted fingers
behind your back

you prey
you wait
you seek
you strike

cold hands cover my mouth
and a warm kiss strikes my skin
should I trust your hands
or trust your mouth

I should have ran
when you touched me with the truth
I should have ran
when you kissed me with your lies

a lot of people take things too seriously
but I think those are the reptiles
the ones who conform

"life isn't all sunshine and rainbows" they said
I laughed skipping off into the distance
seeing rainbows from the blinding sun rays

it's hard to fathom the concept of
unconsciousness
or really, dreaming, as well.
well, because,

do we really understand a dream?

do we understand a nightmare?


do we underst a n d



I'm taking things too seriously,
usually I do not,
don't follow in my shoes.

Nighttime,
she creeps up
like a popped tire
on the highway
she waits until
she’s unexpected
she strikes
minds lost
body shivering
thoughts racing
unable to regain
control

Nighttime,
she says,
“it’s quite now,
we can go.”

Nighttime,
she always
returns
with daggers
ready
to fight off
the demons
that sit heavy
in your head

it is calm,
and not only are the street filleds with silent rummbles of small cars on a Sunday,
but the birds have decided to stay slipping into a slumber,
waiting, for the sun, to wake up their pretty eyes

I remember the days
I drank whiskey alone
and called myself a fool
because I wanted to forget all
that I’ve ever known

I would relieve myself
and pass out
and wake up
and do it again
because I thought being a fool
was all I could ever do

I remember the days
I drank whiskey alone
and finished a fifth to myself
but no one ever noticed
no one ever asked,
what made it so bad
that I could **** myself every night
and do it all over again
and laugh my life away

The neighbors dog never stops barking
i don’t remember how many meals
I’ve eaten this week
my hands are shaky and my vision is blurred

The neighbors dog won’t stop barking
I’m laying on the ground
looking up at the sky
the trees dance slowly
it’s a calming site

but the neighbors dog is still barking
the neighbors dog is still
distracting me from breathing

a strange series of events that don't make as much sense as we thought they would

i don't understand much -
i spend a lot of days obsessing about things i shouldn't
my brain running faster than an olympic gold medalist sprinting over hurdles -
diving through hoops -
of what could have been or should have been -
what could have made things different
what should have stayed the same
what unapolgetic thing did I say because I always say at least one

I need to start biting my tongue
or thinking about things that actually matter

compartmentalization, I haven't found out how to do that yet
I'm not quite sure if I ever will

save me from myself
so I can save me from you

I am swimming
at the bottom of the ocean

it's black and I am lost

and I can't swim fast enough
to get to the top in time
before I suffocate myself

I’ve thought so many times 

that I had found that love 
that everyone talks about 
because
I’ve felt butterflies 

I’ve seen the sparks in my own eyes 
when I looked in the mirror

and thought of you 

I’ve realized
this isn’t the way 
you love someone

because love isn’t about the butterflies 
or the Sparks in your eyes

love doesn’t give you the emptiness in your stomach

the worry at three in the morning
love does not discriminate 

love is not angry

love is calm

love is peaceful 

love is watching a sunset after an incredible storm 

love is breathing fresh air

love is standing on a cliff 
and feeling comfort in your eyes

it is the lungs of someone else connecting with yours

inhaling and exhaling
without a worry 

without a care

sometimes we forget 

the movies and books have taught us

that love is riveting
and adventurous 

that love is all over the place 

that love is screaming

that love is blinding

but love is relaxing 

love is like breathing

love is like thinking 

love is natural

love is enticing 

love is easy

love is beautiful

i cant begin to express the thoughts that dwindle though my brain each day
they are too complex for the any human to digest
honestly, even i can't digest them.

the sun sets around 6:45pm here
we get a few extra minutes of sunlight from living on the coast
the west coast
best coast

best

coast

i
don't
know

im confused and torn
ripped to shreds
by my own frustration
by my own confusion
by disappointments over and over

trying to live my life without expectations is a complete and utter lie

i have to learn how to live

before i decide to die

I watched you sleep

your hands pressed to your cheeks 
your belt buckled tight 

you slept in jeans and t-shirts

and said you got used to it

when you didn’t have a home 

when you wandered around with heavy eyes

sleeping under playgrounds 
and waking up to children’s screams

you spoke to me about the days 
when no one loved you 
because all that you did 
was take from them
you spoke to me of days 
when you didn’t think

because you had to many drinks 
and took too many pills 
and broke windows for fun

I watched you sleep and all I could think 
was,
you are the dandelions 

growing in the front of my house 
beautiful but rooted with disfigurement and misunderstanding

I watched you sleep 
and I found refuge in your eyes 

I felt secure and tranquil

I did not see this person you spoke of 
you are immaculate
in all that you are

and all that you were

seven years ago I used to write everyday 
because if I didn’t write,

I was a day closer to cutting the chord,

snapping the pen,

holding my breath until I couldn’t anymore,

but now I write at 3 am, most nights,

when the hum of the ceiling fan keeps me awake

and my mind slowly runs back and forth like a constantly ticking time clock that never run out of batteries

but now I don’t write with substance 

I write in circles 

and none of it makes any sense,

nor has relevance,

I blame you, for taking my soul with you,

when you gave up on yourself 

and I still believed in you

I blamed myself for awhile,
it wasn't me,
it was you.

After the screams die down
I feel Peace
Not the Peace I want to feel
Not the Peace where a smile is real
Not the Peace when bathing in comfort

the Peace where my mind is exhausted
the Peace where not seeing straight is normal
the Peace where breathing doesn't fill my lungs
feeling so empty and so helpless
like the squirrel I watched die in the front yard today
like my dog I watched get hit by a car when I was young
like the E I received on a college paper
like the emptiness in my heart has consumed my soul

The peace that I am most used to,
the Peace of feeling uneasy.

the train in the distance moans like a lion
searching for its baby cub

and every night I hear this moan
as I lay, sinking slowly into the couch,
wishing for something to take me away

I wonder what happened
why all is lost
why the feelings in my gut are bewildered and tossled

something is different
something's not right

and just like the train
I do this every night

on Tuesdays the clouds hang low
they rest just above the foothills
blocking the mountains

on Wednesdays it always clears up
the sun rays come out to cast
happiness upon bike riders
and hikers
and visitors
and kids playing outside
and lawn mowers
and puppies rolling in the warm grass

each day seems to get a little bit brighter
a little bit easier
a little bit happier

do you think the grass is always greener?
or must you disagree?

writers block
with so much on my mind
how does one write
when they can't even gather the words
to express the emotions in their mind?

I am emotionally exhausted,
fighting demons in my head
every minute I'm still
breathing.

when I think of the days I've burned at both ends
it's almost as if I'm dreaming
as if the memories I've stored in my head
are distant and non-existent

i tried to write about it,
i thought it would help.
but i found myself
four lines
and
two
stanzas
in -

and I was already shaking

It's hard feeling...
anything.

together
like the softest dance
the sweetest movements
swaying back and forth
creating space for one another
walking through fire and water
jumping through hurdles
running through glass with bare feet
confronting fears
and hiding emotions

this feeling
of contradiction
confusion
frustration
but
love
understanding
calmness

a dance i cannot follow
a dance my feet are unfamiliar with

i've never really thought about it like this

The neighbors dog used to dance with elephants across the upstairs floor
but mainly sang with the birds that flew passed the fourth story window
while I slept
while I ate
while I showered
while I danced to my own tune

then I fell head first
into you,

and he stopped.

just like that - he stopped.
just like that - you moved.
just like that - I fell.

i feel the emptiness struggling to find areas in my body that aren't already captivated by her
an addiction i can never seem to shake
watching myself become engulfed by her from the opposite side of the room
dancing to a choreography that has always been instilled in her
im not strong enough to fight her off this time
i want to feel it
i want to feel numb

I find moments where I overthink to be oddly satisfying.
I have a brief moment of confusion and frustration, where I am writing stories in my head that are not true.

Sometimes it's difficult to find what we call - a middle ground.
Sometimes i'm not quite sure what that means anymore.

Life as we know it- is changing.
No one knows what it will look like three months from now, or three years from now.

My heart aches to realize the devastation of that which we are currently experiencing.
To truly understand the depth of it all.
The motions,
What is normal,
What is,
What is not.

What we see,
What we fear,
What we love,
What we challenge.

These moments are trivial.

stop

breathe

recognize the leaves
of the trees
falling in patterns
on the ground
we cannot recreate

notice the hum
of the street cars
and people frolicking
to and from bars

wrapping themselves
in sweaters
trying to handle
the change in weather

a tune to hum while
dancing in the fall
skipping steps that
matter more than
anything at all


stop

breathe

stop

b r e a t h e