i feel the emptiness struggling to find areas in my body that aren't already captivated by her
an addiction i can never seem to shake
watching myself become engulfed by her from the opposite side of the room
dancing to a choreography that has always been instilled in her
im not strong enough to fight her off this time
i want to feel it
i want to feel numb

stop

breathe

recognize the leaves
of the trees
falling in patterns
on the ground
we cannot recreate

notice the hum
of the street cars
and people frolicking
to and from bars

wrapping themselves
in sweaters
trying to handle
the change in weather

a tune to hum while
dancing in the fall
skipping steps that
matter more than
anything at all


stop

breathe

stop

b r e a t h e

my mind runs faster
than that racehorse, Thoroughbred -
He holds the record in the Guinness Book of Records for fastest horse racing.


Mine is held for
mind racing

when you're sitting on a coast, in the middle of the jungle, waves crashing in front of you... Is it possible to break the record?
Or must it still be held?

standing in the middle of a barren desert
my eyes meet the sky --
bluer than usual --
not a single cloud to shield the sun from my pale skin

sometimes the sun sits in a position so high
that I feel like she might just disappear

it might not be a bad thing for us -
for the world -
might shake us

shake us in a way to we need to be shook

trauma is stored in places
I do not have access to
in places hidden deep down
beneath the cement walls
where a single padlock key
can unlock what the grim reaper
is hiding, holding his scythe
waiting for me to stop breathing

it's funny
the way my lips move
in times of uncertainty
the way my hips sway
in times of distress
the way my fingers dance
along each finger tip
feeling one another
trying to grasp the tangible

i've tangled myself between
too many bedsheets
to not understand that
what is in front of me is "it"
that what it in front of me -
is all i've ever yearned for

i've tripped over myself
on too many sidewalk cracks
where i drew my heart
in sidewalk chalk
hoping you wouldn't step on it

i've suffocated my lungs
in too many embraces
that i have a hard time coming to my senses
and differentiating
between
manipulation
or love

i've been let down too many times
that my fingers
and toes
can't keep track anymore

i feel sick
in my mind
thinking about all the burdens
i have put
on the people i love
most

a trigger of emotions
coming out of left field
a field goal
from behind the starting line

a broken toe on a ballerinas foot
after spending years practicing

one slip up
one moment
one word

can shake it all
can rupture the volcano

at least it doesn't always last for this long

like scraping melted gum off a set of bleachers  
in the middle of a summer in Kansas
peeling back the layers of so many years of damage,
irreparable
in my mind i am a child
running circles around who i am today
laughing and poking fun
at all the wounds on my body
i thought they were pretty once
sometimes they seem like distant memories
sometimes they seem like all i can see
sometimes they are all i can think of

i am wounded
i am laughing
at
myself

together
like the softest dance
the sweetest movements
swaying back and forth
creating space for one another
walking through fire and water
jumping through hurdles
running through glass with bare feet
confronting fears
and hiding emotions

this feeling
of contradiction
confusion
frustration
but
love
understanding
calmness

a dance i cannot follow
a dance my feet are unfamiliar with

i've never really thought about it like this

it feels like a serrated knife
has entered my chest with such an extreme might
backed by a force with so much emotion
that it's hard to feel the pain

my whole body hurts when thinking of
thoughts that maybe shouldn't
be
thought.

it's hard to tell the different between dreams and reality these days (i think i'm feeling what i'm supposed to be?)

the knife has been twisted and
yanked out
with a might
I cannot express.

leaving it's wound - is even worse
it was filling a void that not even I could muster
filling a void I didn't know was there.

now that it has left its final resting place (in my chest)
i should have left it there.

captivated

in every sense of the word

I find moments where I overthink to be oddly satisfying.
I have a brief moment of confusion and frustration, where I am writing stories in my head that are not true.

Sometimes it's difficult to find what we call - a middle ground.
Sometimes i'm not quite sure what that means anymore.

Life as we know it- is changing.
No one knows what it will look like three months from now, or three years from now.

My heart aches to realize the devastation of that which we are currently experiencing.
To truly understand the depth of it all.
The motions,
What is normal,
What is,
What is not.

What we see,
What we fear,
What we love,
What we challenge.

These moments are trivial.

This reminds me of the stories I used to hear,
when God miraculously parted the sea.

Without hesitation, He did it.
Opening up a title wave of emotions
to wash over innocent bystanders.

To not be judged - but to live freely,
without moments of fear.

Sometimes, I feel my heart opening
In places I cannot explain.

Stretching a muscle I have yet to feel,
I have yet to notice,
I have yet to exercise.
And the moments after...
leave a sting so bad.

But, I finally feel like it's worth stretching.
That it's worth... expanding.

Moments like this -
Moments with you -

are always worth the sting.

winters are warming
the icicles inside my aorta are melting
allowing my emotions to push and pull
with the blood coursing through my veins

the flowers inside my ribcage have been weeping for so long
until you began to water them
purposuly and diligently
with tenderness,
affection,
devotion.

here I am,
filled with passion for you.
hopelessly devoted to everything that you are
and everything you will be.
everything we will be.

honey sherbets skies
haze in the distance
shouting through the oxygen
covering our faces
ripping our insides
out by our outsides
fifty-two days down
i can't decide
who i'm becoming

the sunset melts like sherbet in the freezer
when the power goes off
suddenly we were never better
sinking and swimming
drowning or staying afloat
to live is to die
to die is, well, who knows

You smelled like a perfume I smelled a few years ago while dancing with the idea of falling in love
We sat in a dim lit corner as our eyes danced across each feature on our faces -
I glanced at your shirt, trying to figure out if you had galaxies resting on your chest
The wave of your hair
relaxed
care free,
but well groomed
as if you'd made sure each piece was laid in a perfect fashion

the curvature of your chin and the shape of your lips put a weight on my chest just looking at them

Your hand reached out and touched my neck,
softer than velvet, smoother than silk -

My jaw clenched and every word I had said to you replayed back in my thoughts,

over
and
over

until you kissed me-

our mouths open as wide as the sky,
a cloud of birds between them,
the entirely of the world opening beneath me
trees rooting into river beds

I lost it for what felt like hours -

and I Iet go of everything I've ever known about love

something about this,
something about you.

I'm not looking anymore.

the Sun is slightly brighter after
the winter solstice
I think it's this way because we start to miss Her

maybe it's the reflection off the snow banks
or the contrast from the blue skies

we take Her for granted most of the time -
then when we can't have Her
our minds wander where She went

I find it's this way with most things,
don't you?

it comes in waves
like free falling, sky diving,
jumping out of a plane

I believe there would be many moments of fear,
followed by the rush of blood to the head
followed by hope

Ive been waiting a long time for that feeling
that sudden moment of clarity -
that feeling I read about in novels and poetry books,
that feeling they talk about in movies
the look in my step fathers eyes when he looks at my mother

the slow build up of understanding
feeling just... right

where will the time go
if it continues to move so slow?

everything is different between the hours of midnight and four AM
mainly from when the sun sets until it rises again

sometimes the world stops spinning for a few unsolicited moments

can you tell a dream from reality
or are you still in denial?

lingering like the smell of a cigarette I smoked two and a half years ago and like the stench of whiskey the day after

I vomited
I am vomiting

its that time of year again
when the clocks fall back
and the darkness creeps through the curtains
I keep them closed a lot
    I don't know if it's cold or not
the sunlight kisses the edge of my bed
I dreamt of a life much greater than this
all the flowers inside of me have wilted
I've forgotten to water them since May
My Grandfather would be disappointed

my head felt heavy as I reached in front of me
my heart felt like it was collapsing
I couldn't really think
and I'm not sure if I could even see

everything was red
and you were blue

the wall built around you matched
the color of your piercing eyes as they stared into my soul

your words, hot like coal, made it hard for me to speak

I told you the truth and not anything in between

Do you question me when I look you in the eye?

six feet a p a r t
please stand six feet a p a r t
do not touch your face
do not gather with others
do not go outside
do not
do not

DO NOT -

Mother Nature has taken back all that she has once offered
Her sunsets have become more beautiful than ever
Her air is finally better to breathe

six feet apart

on the street corner adjacent from my house
people are waiting for the light to turn green
standing no less than six whole feet apart


please stand six feet apart

even more so now
the people of the city are treating others like they have the plague - for good reason


do not touch your face

as more pimples arise that usual
I am fighting internal and external battles
of picking every last one of them until they bleed


do not gather with others

the amount of barren space in the park is sinister
everyone alone - unless they are coupled


do not go outside

the trees are breathing
the earth is singing
the oceans are cleaning


do not
do not
DO NOT


six feet apart
or
six feet under

do you understand the rules of the game?

I am jealous of the sheets that hold you
of the way that the sun kisses your face in the morning
of the water in the shower that caresses your skin
of the shoes you slip on
of the boxers hugging your hips
the soap you pump into your palms
the cats watching you dance in the kitchen,

I am jealous of all the things you wouldn't think
and not about the things you would.

social distancing
is something I've been practicing for awhile

I learned it when I was younger
when I was locked in that place

the place with the whitest walls I've ever seen,
the place where eyes weren't eyes,
bodies weren't bodies,
souls weren't souls,
we were all struggling
just to get by
just to get o u t

I don't really like to go back to that place
in my mind
in my head
no, nope, not going back there.

I don't mind the forced distance this time

I've been staring at this blank page for over an hour -
trying to think of s o m e t h i n g other than you.

the emotions that could be collected from the entirety of the world wouldn't be able to match what I am feeling about you, "this," "us,"

In the calmest of moments, I am flooded with butterflies -
swarming through my stomach
fluttering their wings.
one of them (I swear) is a hummingbird
humming the most melodic of melodies
soothing my soul
swooning my heart.

In the shakiest of moments,
with the most shocking of news,
I am still
flooded
with
butterflies.
you embrace me and b r e a t h e.
I am relaxed
I am calm

I am here

You bring me back.


I feel softer than I've ever felt-
softer than I ever was

I feel that feeling
that feeling I felt on Christmas morning
seventeen ******* years ago
surrounded by my family, by love, by laughter,

pure bliss...

unadulterated bliss.


you bring me back to someone I've always wanted to find again.

you
bring
me
back

I'm not going anywhere.

days feel like dreaming lately
so much so that I don't think I've
even had the chance to dream

the world is spinning
      faster than it usually does

my head is spinning
      faster than it usually does

my heart is heavy
my hands are sweaty

sweet dreams are not made of these.

it's 2:45am
i woke up from dreaming about you

your eyes
bluer than the waters of the gold coast
sweeter than honey, there's an amber tint

your voice
calmer than most
humming harmonious hymns inside my ear drums

your hands softer than velvet
swifter than silk
caressing my skin

your chest is the perfect place
to rest my head
such a tremendous heart
filled with so much  

most nights my dreams are repressed
most nights they mean nothing

this is not a night like most nights

I haven't had one of those since we met

cold winters are warming
they wake you up to reality
of fighting the demons,
chasing the tides,
counting your wishes,
and being alive.

each year I break,
in two, in three,
in four.

drowning and wondering
about so much more.

cold winters are waking me up
like someone sitting on my chest
it's too warm and crimson

im not ready yet.

I started crashing today
walking to work
I thought maybe, for a few short moments, I would pass out -
  
      right on the pavement
      next to the flowers.

It would be pretty to lay there for just a few
      uninterrupted moments.

Days like this are difficult,
when the silence bites like starving horse flies
when the tides of the ocean rise with might

Sometimes I hear a siren off in the distance
       constant, dull, aching.

The Earth - she is magnetic
the most magnificent creature
caught in the depths of doom
but fighting harder than any of us.

Her trees breathe,
Her air hums,
Her sea sings,

When the silence bites -
Listen for Her. Anywhere you can.

it's like a sumo wrestler is on my chest
so heavy that my ribs have started to break

it's like four walls closing in
never to see daylight again

it's like the sun never shining
             the birds never chirping
             the leaves never falling.

its like dying
             but slowly.

some days my vision goes
some days my heart stops
somedays I'm so faded I could faint.

it's like drowning when there's only three yards left to the shore.

some days
you fall hard.

harder then you've ever thought,
harder than you've ever fought.

HARDER -

when all you wanted was to be okay.

it's hard to fathom words sometimes
when you're swallowed out to sea
and you can only focus on breathing

it's hard to be comfortable
when the life vest disappears,
when the open ocean is in front of you,
when you're at your wits end

it's hard to see the shore
sometimes it seems so far away
i'm too afraid to swim
i'm too afraid to drown

the world is feeling a lot today -
you can feel it in the pavement
you can see it in the sky
      in the clouds
      in the sprinkling rain

I am feeling a lot today -
its been lingering
that feeling
that feeling that doesn't have a name

overwhelming...
confusing...
unnerving...

allowing yourself to f e e l
is something that doesn't happen often, at least for me

digesting...
breathing...

understanding these emotions
that I've always locked in a box -
I've pretended to feel them before...

but, for the first time in my life
I am feeling
uncomfortable

and it's the first time I've ever actually felt...
c o m f o r t a b l e

i'm debating cutting my hair
and i've spent too long sitting in the shower
trying to wash the dirt off of me

this dirt won't come off
it's all in my mind

everything is calm -
except the ringing in my ears
the white noise from the fan
attempting to drown it out

i can feel the build up in my nose -
the aftershock of unexpected tears
filling my head like concrete

how many days will i feel this -
how many times can i be so foolish
to subject myself to feeling this way
over and over

over and over


when will it be

enough?

when will you

s
t
o
p
?

i find myself wondering through my thoughts quite often.
pulling myself back to the root of
what is -
and what isn't -

the sun moves through so many positions
as does the moon -
as do the stars.

i find myself angry, in my lack of discipline
to push myself to be better -
to be the best that i can be.

i find my heart mimicking the murmur of yours.

through the tears and through the pain -
i am constantly finding my way back to myself

reminding myself that it's okay to not be okay -

and that

everything

will be

okay.

it

will

always

be

okay.

i tried to write about it,
i thought it would help.
but i found myself
four lines
and
two
stanzas
in -

and I was already shaking

I’m trying to understand what happened
and how I got here
and how you got there
by the skin of my teeth
i bleed every month
to live
to breathe
I’m trying to understand what happened
and how i got here
so far from home
so cold
so alone

I’m trying to understand

I’ve stopped drinking
(for the most part)
but today is the first time I’ve truly felt like drowning

fighting the urge, stumbling to the bar
asking the shadowed shell of a human behind the bar for
"Whatever will put me out the fastest.”

instead I battled with the ceiling
(and the back of my eyelids)
for longer than I’d like to admit

my eyes, surrounded in black
as my make up has washed itself off
(one less thing I have to deal with)

-

i lost control of my left leg today,
(usually it’s the right)
but I guess the panic attack was
quite literally, keeping me on my toes

(It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this)
my body dripping in perspiration trying to make
sense of everything
the sounds of the city have drowned me more than any bottle could

i cant begin to express the thoughts that dwindle though my brain each day
they are too complex for the any human to digest
honestly, even i can't digest them.

the sun sets around 6:45pm here
we get a few extra minutes of sunlight from living on the coast
the west coast
best coast

best

coast

i
don't
know

im confused and torn
ripped to shreds
by my own frustration
by my own confusion
by disappointments over and over

trying to live my life without expectations is a complete and utter lie

i have to learn how to live

before i decide to die

a strange series of events that don't make as much sense as we thought they would

i don't understand much -
i spend a lot of days obsessing about things i shouldn't
my brain running faster than an olympic gold medalist sprinting over hurdles -
diving through hoops -
of what could have been or should have been -
what could have made things different
what should have stayed the same
what unapolgetic thing did I say because I always say at least one

I need to start biting my tongue
or thinking about things that actually matter

compartmentalization, I haven't found out how to do that yet
I'm not quite sure if I ever will

save me from myself
so I can save me from you

It’s nights like these where we remember our roots

the rain comes down heavy like a weeping widow 
and the moon lays low in the shimmering sky

you never loved me
and you made me feel like i could never be loved
you made me feel unwanted and shameful
and i don’t really like to feel shameful

i used to feel that way and I’m not too fond of that feeling
im not too fond of shame because it haunts people
and even though its human nature
it doesn’t make it easier

you never loved me
and you made me feel like i was wrong
but i wasn’t wrong for having friends
you were just jealous
and i’m not fond of jealousy

you never loved me
and you made me feel pain
you made me feel bruises
you made me feel heartbreak
you ripped me to shreds

I never liked it when you hit me

The neighbors dog used to dance with elephants across the upstairs floor
but mainly sang with the birds that flew passed the fourth story window
while I slept
while I ate
while I showered
while I danced to my own tune

then I fell head first
into you,

and he stopped.

just like that - he stopped.
just like that - you moved.
just like that - I fell.

a lot of people take things too seriously
but I think those are the reptiles
the ones who conform

"life isn't all sunshine and rainbows" they said
I laughed skipping off into the distance
seeing rainbows from the blinding sun rays

it's hard to fathom the concept of
unconsciousness
or really, dreaming, as well.
well, because,

do we really understand a dream?

do we understand a nightmare?


do we underst a n d



I'm taking things too seriously,
usually I do not,
don't follow in my shoes.

on Tuesdays the clouds hang low
they rest just above the foothills
blocking the mountains

on Wednesdays it always clears up
the sun rays come out to cast
happiness upon bike riders
and hikers
and visitors
and kids playing outside
and lawn mowers
and puppies rolling in the warm grass

each day seems to get a little bit brighter
a little bit easier
a little bit happier

do you think the grass is always greener?
or must you disagree?