i feel sick
in my mind
thinking about all the burdens
i have put
on the people i love
a trigger of emotions
coming out of left field
a field goal
from behind the starting line
a broken toe on a ballerinas foot
after spending years practicing
one slip up
can shake it all
can rupture the volcano
at least it doesn't always last for this long
like scraping melted gum off a set of bleachers
in the middle of a summer in Kansas
peeling back the layers of so many years of damage,
in my mind i am a child
running circles around who i am today
laughing and poking fun
at all the wounds on my body
i thought they were pretty once
sometimes they seem like distant memories
sometimes they seem like all i can see
sometimes they are all i can think of
i am wounded
i am laughing
like the softest dance
the sweetest movements
swaying back and forth
creating space for one another
walking through fire and water
jumping through hurdles
running through glass with bare feet
and hiding emotions
a dance i cannot follow
a dance my feet are unfamiliar with
i've never really thought about it like this
it feels like a serrated knife
has entered my chest with such an extreme might
backed by a force with so much emotion
that it's hard to feel the pain
my whole body hurts when thinking of
thoughts that maybe shouldn't
it's hard to tell the different between dreams and reality these days (i think i'm feeling what i'm supposed to be?)
the knife has been twisted and
with a might
I cannot express.
leaving it's wound - is even worse
it was filling a void that not even I could muster
filling a void I didn't know was there.
now that it has left its final resting place (in my chest)
i should have left it there.
in every sense of the word
I find moments where I overthink to be oddly satisfying.
I have a brief moment of confusion and frustration, where I am writing stories in my head that are not true.
Sometimes it's difficult to find what we call - a middle ground.
Sometimes i'm not quite sure what that means anymore.
Life as we know it- is changing.
No one knows what it will look like three months from now, or three years from now.
My heart aches to realize the devastation of that which we are currently experiencing.
To truly understand the depth of it all.
What is normal,
What is not.
What we see,
What we fear,
What we love,
What we challenge.
These moments are trivial.
This reminds me of the stories I used to hear,
when God miraculously parted the sea.
Without hesitation, He did it.
Opening up a title wave of emotions
to wash over innocent bystanders.
To not be judged - but to live freely,
without moments of fear.
Sometimes, I feel my heart opening
In places I cannot explain.
Stretching a muscle I have yet to feel,
I have yet to notice,
I have yet to exercise.
And the moments after...
leave a sting so bad.
But, I finally feel like it's worth stretching.
That it's worth... expanding.
Moments like this -
Moments with you -
are always worth the sting.
winters are warming
the icicles inside my aorta are melting
allowing my emotions to push and pull
with the blood coursing through my veins
the flowers inside my ribcage have been weeping for so long
until you began to water them
purposuly and diligently
here I am,
filled with passion for you.
hopelessly devoted to everything that you are
and everything you will be.
everything we will be.
honey sherbets skies
haze in the distance
shouting through the oxygen
covering our faces
ripping our insides
out by our outsides
fifty-two days down
i can't decide
who i'm becoming
the sunset melts like sherbet in the freezer
when the power goes off
suddenly we were never better
sinking and swimming
drowning or staying afloat
to live is to die
to die is, well, who knows
You smelled like a perfume I smelled a few years ago while dancing with the idea of falling in love
We sat in a dim lit corner as our eyes danced across each feature on our faces -
I glanced at your shirt, trying to figure out if you had galaxies resting on your chest
The wave of your hair
but well groomed
as if you'd made sure each piece was laid in a perfect fashion
the curvature of your chin and the shape of your lips put a weight on my chest just looking at them
Your hand reached out and touched my neck,
softer than velvet, smoother than silk -
My jaw clenched and every word I had said to you replayed back in my thoughts,
until you kissed me-
our mouths open as wide as the sky,
a cloud of birds between them,
the entirely of the world opening beneath me
trees rooting into river beds
I lost it for what felt like hours -
and I Iet go of everything I've ever known about love
something about this,
something about you.
I'm not looking anymore.
the Sun is slightly brighter after
the winter solstice
I think it's this way because we start to miss Her
maybe it's the reflection off the snow banks
or the contrast from the blue skies
we take Her for granted most of the time -
then when we can't have Her
our minds wander where She went
I find it's this way with most things,
it comes in waves
like free falling, sky diving,
jumping out of a plane
I believe there would be many moments of fear,
followed by the rush of blood to the head
followed by hope
Ive been waiting a long time for that feeling
that sudden moment of clarity -
that feeling I read about in novels and poetry books,
that feeling they talk about in movies
the look in my step fathers eyes when he looks at my mother
the slow build up of understanding
feeling just... right
where will the time go
if it continues to move so slow?
everything is different between the hours of midnight and four AM
mainly from when the sun sets until it rises again
sometimes the world stops spinning for a few unsolicited moments
can you tell a dream from reality
or are you still in denial?
lingering like the smell of a cigarette I smoked two and a half years ago and like the stench of whiskey the day after
I am vomiting
its that time of year again
when the clocks fall back
and the darkness creeps through the curtains
I keep them closed a lot
I don't know if it's cold or not
the sunlight kisses the edge of my bed
I dreamt of a life much greater than this
all the flowers inside of me have wilted
I've forgotten to water them since May
My Grandfather would be disappointed
my head felt heavy as I reached in front of me
my heart felt like it was collapsing
I couldn't really think
and I'm not sure if I could even see
everything was red
and you were blue
the wall built around you matched
the color of your piercing eyes as they stared into my soul
your words, hot like coal, made it hard for me to speak
I told you the truth and not anything in between
Do you question me when I look you in the eye?
six feet a p a r t
please stand six feet a p a r t
do not touch your face
do not gather with others
do not go outside
DO NOT -
Mother Nature has taken back all that she has once offered
Her sunsets have become more beautiful than ever
Her air is finally better to breathe
six feet apart
on the street corner adjacent from my house
people are waiting for the light to turn green
standing no less than six whole feet apart
please stand six feet apart
even more so now
the people of the city are treating others like they have the plague - for good reason
do not touch your face
as more pimples arise that usual
I am fighting internal and external battles
of picking every last one of them until they bleed
do not gather with others
the amount of barren space in the park is sinister
everyone alone - unless they are coupled
do not go outside
the trees are breathing
the earth is singing
the oceans are cleaning
six feet apart
six feet under
do you understand the rules of the game?
I am jealous of the sheets that hold you
of the way that the sun kisses your face in the morning
of the water in the shower that caresses your skin
of the shoes you slip on
of the boxers hugging your hips
the soap you pump into your palms
the cats watching you dance in the kitchen,
I am jealous of all the things you wouldn't think
and not about the things you would.
is something I've been practicing for awhile
I learned it when I was younger
when I was locked in that place
the place with the whitest walls I've ever seen,
the place where eyes weren't eyes,
bodies weren't bodies,
souls weren't souls,
we were all struggling
just to get by
just to get o u t
I don't really like to go back to that place
in my mind
in my head
no, nope, not going back there.
I don't mind the forced distance this time
I've been staring at this blank page for over an hour -
trying to think of s o m e t h i n g other than you.
the emotions that could be collected from the entirety of the world wouldn't be able to match what I am feeling about you, "this," "us,"
In the calmest of moments, I am flooded with butterflies -
swarming through my stomach
fluttering their wings.
one of them (I swear) is a hummingbird
humming the most melodic of melodies
soothing my soul
swooning my heart.
In the shakiest of moments,
with the most shocking of news,
I am still
you embrace me and b r e a t h e.
I am relaxed
I am calm
I am here
You bring me back.
I feel softer than I've ever felt-
softer than I ever was
I feel that feeling
that feeling I felt on Christmas morning
seventeen ******* years ago
surrounded by my family, by love, by laughter,
you bring me back to someone I've always wanted to find again.
I'm not going anywhere.
days feel like dreaming lately
so much so that I don't think I've
even had the chance to dream
the world is spinning
faster than it usually does
my head is spinning
faster than it usually does
my heart is heavy
my hands are sweaty
sweet dreams are not made of these.
i woke up from dreaming about you
bluer than the waters of the gold coast
sweeter than honey, there's an amber tint
calmer than most
humming harmonious hymns inside my ear drums
your hands softer than velvet
swifter than silk
caressing my skin
your chest is the perfect place
to rest my head
such a tremendous heart
filled with so much
most nights my dreams are repressed
most nights they mean nothing
this is not a night like most nights
I haven't had one of those since we met
cold winters are warming
they wake you up to reality
of fighting the demons,
chasing the tides,
counting your wishes,
and being alive.
each year I break,
in two, in three,
drowning and wondering
about so much more.
cold winters are waking me up
like someone sitting on my chest
it's too warm and crimson
im not ready yet.
I started crashing today
walking to work
I thought maybe, for a few short moments, I would pass out -
right on the pavement
next to the flowers.
It would be pretty to lay there for just a few
Days like this are difficult,
when the silence bites like starving horse flies
when the tides of the ocean rise with might
Sometimes I hear a siren off in the distance
constant, dull, aching.
The Earth - she is magnetic
the most magnificent creature
caught in the depths of doom
but fighting harder than any of us.
Her trees breathe,
Her air hums,
Her sea sings,
When the silence bites -
Listen for Her. Anywhere you can.
it's like a sumo wrestler is on my chest
so heavy that my ribs have started to break
it's like four walls closing in
never to see daylight again
it's like the sun never shining
the birds never chirping
the leaves never falling.
its like dying
some days my vision goes
some days my heart stops
somedays I'm so faded I could faint.
it's like drowning when there's only three yards left to the shore.
you fall hard.
harder then you've ever thought,
harder than you've ever fought.
when all you wanted was to be okay.
it's hard to fathom words sometimes
when you're swallowed out to sea
and you can only focus on breathing
it's hard to be comfortable
when the life vest disappears,
when the open ocean is in front of you,
when you're at your wits end
it's hard to see the shore
sometimes it seems so far away
i'm too afraid to swim
i'm too afraid to drown
the world is feeling a lot today -
you can feel it in the pavement
you can see it in the sky
in the clouds
in the sprinkling rain
I am feeling a lot today -
its been lingering
that feeling that doesn't have a name
allowing yourself to f e e l
is something that doesn't happen often, at least for me
understanding these emotions
that I've always locked in a box -
I've pretended to feel them before...
but, for the first time in my life
I am feeling
and it's the first time I've ever actually felt...
c o m f o r t a b l e
i'm debating cutting my hair
and i've spent too long sitting in the shower
trying to wash the dirt off of me
this dirt won't come off
it's all in my mind
everything is calm -
except the ringing in my ears
the white noise from the fan
attempting to drown it out
i can feel the build up in my nose -
the aftershock of unexpected tears
filling my head like concrete
how many days will i feel this -
how many times can i be so foolish
to subject myself to feeling this way
over and over
over and over
when will it be
when will you
i find myself wondering through my thoughts quite often.
pulling myself back to the root of
what is -
and what isn't -
the sun moves through so many positions
as does the moon -
as do the stars.
i find myself angry, in my lack of discipline
to push myself to be better -
to be the best that i can be.
i find my heart mimicking the murmur of yours.
through the tears and through the pain -
i am constantly finding my way back to myself
reminding myself that it's okay to not be okay -
i tried to write about it,
i thought it would help.
but i found myself
and I was already shaking
I’m trying to understand what happened
and how I got here
and how you got there
by the skin of my teeth
i bleed every month
I’m trying to understand what happened
and how i got here
so far from home
I’m trying to understand
I’ve stopped drinking
(for the most part)
but today is the first time I’ve truly felt like drowning
fighting the urge, stumbling to the bar
asking the shadowed shell of a human behind the bar for
"Whatever will put me out the fastest.”
instead I battled with the ceiling
(and the back of my eyelids)
for longer than I’d like to admit
my eyes, surrounded in black
as my make up has washed itself off
(one less thing I have to deal with)
i lost control of my left leg today,
(usually it’s the right)
but I guess the panic attack was
quite literally, keeping me on my toes
(It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this)
my body dripping in perspiration trying to make
sense of everything
the sounds of the city have drowned me more than any bottle could
this is unfinished
i cant begin to express the thoughts that dwindle though my brain each day
they are too complex for the any human to digest
honestly, even i can't digest them.
the sun sets around 6:45pm here
we get a few extra minutes of sunlight from living on the coast
the west coast
im confused and torn
ripped to shreds
by my own frustration
by my own confusion
by disappointments over and over
trying to live my life without expectations is a complete and utter lie
i have to learn how to live
before i decide to die
a strange series of events that don't make as much sense as we thought they would
i don't understand much -
i spend a lot of days obsessing about things i shouldn't
my brain running faster than an olympic gold medalist sprinting over hurdles -
diving through hoops -
of what could have been or should have been -
what could have made things different
what should have stayed the same
what unapolgetic thing did I say because I always say at least one
I need to start biting my tongue
or thinking about things that actually matter
compartmentalization, I haven't found out how to do that yet
I'm not quite sure if I ever will
save me from myself
so I can save me from you
It’s nights like these where we remember our roots
the rain comes down heavy like a weeping widow
and the moon lays low in the shimmering sky
you never loved me
and you made me feel like i could never be loved
you made me feel unwanted and shameful
and i don’t really like to feel shameful
i used to feel that way and I’m not too fond of that feeling
im not too fond of shame because it haunts people
and even though its human nature
it doesn’t make it easier
you never loved me
and you made me feel like i was wrong
but i wasn’t wrong for having friends
you were just jealous
and i’m not fond of jealousy
you never loved me
and you made me feel pain
you made me feel bruises
you made me feel heartbreak
you ripped me to shreds
I never liked it when you hit me
The neighbors dog used to dance with elephants across the upstairs floor
but mainly sang with the birds that flew passed the fourth story window
while I slept
while I ate
while I showered
while I danced to my own tune
then I fell head first
and he stopped.
just like that - he stopped.
just like that - you moved.
just like that - I fell.
a lot of people take things too seriously
but I think those are the reptiles
the ones who conform
"life isn't all sunshine and rainbows" they said
I laughed skipping off into the distance
seeing rainbows from the blinding sun rays
it's hard to fathom the concept of
or really, dreaming, as well.
do we really understand a dream?
do we understand a nightmare?
do we underst a n d
I'm taking things too seriously,
usually I do not,
don't follow in my shoes.
on Tuesdays the clouds hang low
they rest just above the foothills
blocking the mountains
on Wednesdays it always clears up
the sun rays come out to cast
happiness upon bike riders
and kids playing outside
and lawn mowers
and puppies rolling in the warm grass
each day seems to get a little bit brighter
a little bit easier
a little bit happier
do you think the grass is always greener?
or must you disagree?
seven years ago I used to write everyday
because if I didn’t write,
I was a day closer to cutting the chord,
snapping the pen,
holding my breath until I couldn’t anymore,
but now I write at 3 am, most nights,
when the hum of the ceiling fan keeps me awake
and my mind slowly runs back and forth like a constantly ticking time clock that never run out of batteries
but now I don’t write with substance
I write in circles
and none of it makes any sense,
nor has relevance,
I blame you, for taking my soul with you,
when you gave up on yourself
and I still believed in you
I blamed myself for awhile,
it wasn't me,
it was you.
I sleep on the right side of the bed,
even though I used to sleep on the left,
or sometimes in the middle,
constantly waking you up for sounding like a pig while you slept.
I don't do the dishes right away anymore,
part of me is waiting for you to knock on the door.
I don't like to drink alcohol because your face has consumed my brain, and just one sip, just one drink, just one shot, is not enough.
Neither is seven.
I am trying so hard to be the bigger person,
to move on,
to grow up,
to mend my broken heart of all of its contusions.
But, broken hearts are not easily mended, and loneliness is not easily fixed when you only have yourself.
Time is the motto,
and patience is the key.
each month seems to get easier
and the everyday routine
is more familiar
the black and white world
slowly regains color once again
if I could count the times
I've second guessed my decisions
in the past few months
I would be counting for hours,
or maybe months.
the black hole,
the dead end,
the wrong turn.
I've experienced life.
when I came home I laid
with all my clothes on
sinking into my bed
then fell asleep
it was comforting
being held by cotton
for the night
it reminded me of you
everyday I have slept
in these clothes
that I don’t like
because they remind me
of how your blankets
hugged my hips
and your velvet hands
touched my skin
I’ve slept in my clothes
every night since then
and now it has
become a habit
I’m not really
I wrote this a while ago and it still pertains
I am emotionally exhausted,
fighting demons in my head
every minute I'm still
It's hard feeling...
I am swimming
at the bottom of the ocean
it's black and I am lost
and I can't swim fast enough
to get to the top in time
before I suffocate myself
I turned twenty one today,
and I was hoping I would wake up 21
instead of being awake into my birthday
My thoughts were so loud it was
physically impossible to quiet them
I got a message from you saying you loved me and saying happy birthday before you fell asleep
before I fell asleep
I smiled and knew I would see you that day
but that day, today, I woke up
after an hour of sleep at 6 am
only to watch the sunrise and share laughs
with my mother whom I shared a bed with that night, instead of you.
I drove around to try and figure out what to do
where to go, what I needed for the day,
I wound up at breakfast with my mother
and breakfast was a disappointment
the unmelted cheese on my breakfast sandwich striked me the wrong way
at breakfast you messaged me with something new that had happened
a people pleaser you are, trying to figure out what's best to do
I went to the house I'm staying at
and I tried to take a nap but my head hurt so bad I laid down for two hours
then went for a walk
and took a good long look at the city I have moved to,
the city, that makes my heart sing
I took a breath of fresh air and reminded myself that I have chosen to be here
After that I slept
for an hour at that
and at 4:30 pm I had another message
for something else from you
that had come up
I cried and I called you
and we argued for two hours as I stood in the rain in the back yard, once again looking out at the city.
my family didn't go to dinner
because I cried too much to get myself together
I didn't do anything I wanted to do today, on my birthday, my twenty first birthday
supposedly the most memorable birthday in your life
besides fifty I guess
but today I realized that expectations don't exist for some people
and today I realized that birthdays are just another day
"Happy Birthday, Emily." you said,
as my tears ran in direct contact with the shower water
Happy Birthday Emily
Maybe next year will be better