I found love three times,
Once with someone who was too late,
Another we held each other accountable,
But this one?
This one is the one meant for me,
One who wouldn’t use my past as a scapegoat.
One that was similar to what I had before abuse,
Thinking that was what I deserve as my ex had said.
I found what I was looking for;
Finally.

Goodbyes have never been easy.
They are hard and hurtful.
The truth of reality.
Our bond was beautifully dangerous,
A fiery inferno lost in love.
Hoping for the best during the worst.
That is all gone and for this I’m glad,
We can both be true to our own.
Finally walking in our pace.

I have so much to say and choosing the right words is
Complicated.
My heart hurts again. Just like the day two years ago.
Why?
Is it really that hard?
I wonder these things and I try to be fine to think.
But when I do my heart just breaks.
My chest tightens with the rest of my body and I am curled into a ball on my bed.
It’s all too confusing and I don’t know how much I got left. I don’t know how many tears I’ve wept.
I’m tired.
I’ve dodged too many punches and I’m out of breath. So I’ll stop moving.
K.O.

Our emotions run a list in our mind,
And now we are blind.
Lost in a euphoria that isn’t what it is.
Creating a picture to hold us back.

No more i say.
It is time to fight those demons,
Take back our hopes and dreams.

We aren’t what our thoughts are,
We can be more than where we are now.
we are better than this.

It’s like trying to find that last sliver of glass.
That last bit of what was left has disappeared.
Those last months are gone like the wind.
Never will I remember what we had done.
After this, I go to say yes.
I walk down the aisle.
And I take a hand that isn’t yours.

I finally did it. I deleted those pictures.
Everything about you is gone.
I’m glad, took longer than expected
But it’s done.

I finally sleep through the night.
Not feeling what I felt thanks to your lies.
Actually moving on.

So why try to message me.
That I will never understand

Everything is now in place,
We are seeing anew,
And we continue on our paths,
Never looking back.

Pure, the light at the end.
A soul so bright.
Yet alone and afraid,
You are not what he says.
Good is in you,
Unlock it all,
Reveal us to you.
Be free,
Because you my dear,
Are free.

If I could turn back the clock,
I would’ve never met you.
If I could’ve opened both of your eyes,
I would’ve let you see only her.
Truth be told,
I had always knew,
It held me back.
I couldn’t love someone who still had there’s,
There soulmate.
Little did you both know,
I wished we ended things sooner.
Way sooner,
I wished she had left her relationship too.
At the end of the day I knew,
Yet we were all scared.

slowly all my motivation is slippinG away. becoming lost Again.
But I am terrified of this feeling.
Time for a visit I think,
it’s been far over due my lovE.

I drink because,
You’re still around.
The both of you.
The three of you now.
Endless cycles with one.
Another dead.
The third who’s righteous.
Corpse, betrayer, a finder.
This life.
Drink.

I won’t sugar coat it,
He create a peace,
A Sanity is still made.
We were never meant to be more,
An attraction yes,
But we were meant as friends.
We laugh,
We rage,
And in the end it’s my fault.
I caused it,
Everything.
Now there’s nothing I can do.

I wished you leave me alone.
Leave me be and let me wallow in the chaos we caused.
More lies you say as you twist my words.
I always want the last word though.
Stubbornness.
I have to win, but what am I winning?

I don’t understand why you keep coming back. You just won’t stay away, even when I leave you alone.
Using my poems to see where my heads at.
Knowing I won’t tell you.
And I never will.

I hate that you think we are going to be together when me and my friend know it won’t.
Thinking I’m here for pity.
Never needed it in the first place.

You can go and leave me alone.
I’ll be here, the same girl.
*****.
****.
Murderer.
Unloyal.
Hopeless.

No more calls,
No more inside jokes,
Birthdays and holidays are celebrated;
But you won’t be there.
Holding hands,
Sneaking kisses in the hallways,
Being kids;
But that won’t happen again.
Racing our vehicles,
Shadow boxing with your grandpa,
Your playful tackles;
But these memories are in the past.
Walking down the isle,
Building a home,
Having the one kid dreamt of;
But you won’t be there.

Goodnight my love, it is time to lay our bodies to rest.
I stare at the wall, every way I sleep, there’s a wall. And as I stare into this wall I think of the day that has gone to past.
You of course.
Unfortunate conversation, more lies, and trying to keep a distance.
Strange as it may seem, I enjoyed it.
Your name popping up on my screen.
The calls.
The bantering.
But, all good things must come to an end, just as the day does.
A ghost of a kiss I send to you tonight and an apology for the morning.
For this will confuse you some more.

The day is over. You can be at peace.
Play your video games, listen to your songs, watch your shows and just relax.
The plans you have will be in your dreams and your dreams will become your reality. Keep dreaming Mi Corazón.
You will know when it’s time to rest. Until then be at peace.

Now though it’s time too sleep. Close my eyes and put my head on my pillow.
Letting my mind clear of all things coming and going.

I inhale.
I cannot hope and I cannot let you get to me again.
I exhale.
Inhale.
I need to hurt myself to be okay.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Everything has a path it leads to.
Exhale.
Inhale.
I love you.
Exhale.

Goodnight my Sun and Stars. May you forever stay bright. May the force be with you. I hope your journey goes well. God speed.

I will always hate you,
Hating for the way it ended,
Hating the communication,
Hating being with you.
So much resentment for one person,
It’s fleeting and futile.
Gone is the sweetness,
For you all there will be is bitterness.

I hate you. You made me believe every lie you created.
You broke me. You like to remind me that I am broken.
Which I know.
But I think you fail to realize,
Is that I’d take all the harassment, all the assumptions, and all the lies;
Just to show you..

That I am sorry.
I’m sorry for thinking I’m good with enough.
I’m sorry for the lack of experience in bed.
I’m sorry for being broken and meeting you.

I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, but also
I didn’t deserve the lies and assumption thrown at me for a mistake I regretted.
I didn’t deserve to read the true thoughts you had of Marissa.

Even as I sit here and write.
Trying to bury my tears behind a screen and scream.
You’ll be okay though.

Because I got the jail out of free card.
I don’t have “multiple personalities..”
I’m just the ****. A *****. ****. ****. Leg-opener. Yada. Yada.

Just the same ****.

To give in
Or to not.
I’m confused, my heart wants you.
My mind refuses to let myself give in.

So many things happened,
How am I suppose to let it all slide?
Is Love worth it?

I hate this feeling.
I wish I knew what I wanted.
I wish I could want you as badly as you want me.

The sky is as dark as my heart.
I cause nothing but disaster and despair.
I don’t need help with being me down,
I do a good enough job as is.

The world is **** and I do no better.
All I ask is for pity.
A slap on the wrist.
Get out of jail free card.

Even with as low as I am,
I’d still never go back to you.
Ever.

I ruined you as you ruined me.
There’s nothing to take back, no way to fix it.
Just leave me be and I
Will leave you be.

I wear your hoodie still.
The bulldawgs logo still in place perfectly on the grey colored scheme.
Keeping me safe.
My protection.

Crazy to think it’ll almost be three years.
Two years and 10 months to be exact.
Ever so often I wish it could’ve been different.

Even so you’re somehow still around.
Slightly haunting my thoughts and surroundings.
A faint whisper of my name echos in your voice.
The small sensation of your arms around me.

Every so often I do cry for you.
Yearning to hear your laugh and seeing your mischievous crooked grin.
You teasing me until we cried tears of laughter.

Some days I think you’re right next to me,
Pushing me forward and giving me a small nudge of
“It’s going to be okay scrub.”

Going down the roads we used to be on.
Memories of the great times and the bad ones.
Never a dull moment in those times.
Now only I can remember them.

You were truly the love of my life.
I couldn’t have been more grateful to have known you.
Thank you for loving me.

I write to my content.
Making those tiny videos without shame.
Gaming at its finest and total conquest.
Watching what I wanted to.

Going for the morning walks with a pit Bull/terrier than never fails to protect me.
Sleeping more only to be awoken by a different nightmare.
Actually showered and cleansed from everything.

Then one message.
One call.
My world is turned upside down again and I’m lost again.
Hurt again.
Betrayed and wishing for it all to end.

Peace I will never be granted.
Clearness of thoughts will never be realized.
And my heart.
My precious heart has nothing left to give.

One name.
Seven letters.
Perfectly capable to say for any human being but,
That human being is you.

Im trying.
I truly am trying.
When we are doing so well and then I forget.
She’s still around.

They may or may not have been lies.
I can’t tell at this point,
Just struggling to make peace with it.

I don’t know how to be okay with the fact that you love her too.
Both romantically and pragmatic.
Im doing my best.

I swear it.

Same story, girl meets girl then girl turns into boy, April 6, 2020
Exciting changes, wondrous feelings, tremendous *** and so-called happiness.
  she remembers the way you’d hold her; the glint in your dark eyes as you’d kiss her, and her peaceful sleeps.
It would work out in their La La Land, she finally found the one who won’t hurt her because he is also broken and hurt.
Someone who would lift her from the ground after losing all hope that fateful day of April 8, 2018. To be cherished and wanted, with no judgement for her loss.

Lies, miscommunication, and distance July 08, 2020. Holes in walls, doors breaking down. Glass everywhere she looks, two rooms destroyed and looks of fear.
Alcohol is a killer and never to take lightly. Shoving and punches, knifes thrown and cuts on their bodies. This was the first time she left.

Cries of forgiveness, betrayal, distance, “please stay,” “I love you,” and apologizes.
Doubt crawled through her mind every time he spoke those three words. Him telling her how much she meant to him.
No amount of words could save her trust she had to rebuild, the love she gave during his times of destruction, the weakness she felt after that day.
Months of trying, never to satisfy her needs. Constant words of changes and no drive to do so. Being judged for her misfortune and never fully understood. Constantly crying, telling him what needed to be done.

A flick of the switch, morals clouding her mind, her self-worth pushing her out of dark, and her strength returned.
No remorse, no emotion, and no chance to speak again.
She’s gone from his world, leaving for the final time and not looking back.
Pretending to be fine when she cries in her room and is silent.

Now her pillow drips with her heartbreak, of her disappointment, and her dreams and hopes. she looks at his poems still, his glorious words put into words of his own accord.
she says there’s no evidence of their life, she lied. She goes through messages, photos, videos and cries.
No matter how hard she is trying she continues to try and she fails. she fails every time.
her “hate” driving her to be better without him. her fear of breaking down, keeps her away from him. He tells her he loves her still.. she breaks every time she doesn’t say it back.

With a snap of her fingers, she is back to the way she was. Her split feeling of hurt gone, emotions turned off for she can’t control them herself.

Re-learning how to live without will bring trials, but she’ll overcome them.
She always did.
She does it all on her own.  

She was broke way before you met her.
Absolutely exhausted.
Then you came along and made it worse.

But that’s okay. She’s anew.
Growing into the person she was becoming before you came around.

Don’t worry she’ll be alright,
And when the day comes and you see her.
You’ll know it was too late.

My walls are building,
My esteem weak with need.
Hurt and devastated,
I saw differently.
Sure as to what was told,
Another was seen.
Two minds of one body.
As that said,
We were to be corrupt.
Twisted in a euphoric thoughts of love,
Thoughts that we’d be okay.
Yet it wasn’t enough.

Rocky Mountain air in my lungs,
The air feels clean.
A graceful breeze,
Childhood memories floating amongst the leaves
Your hand is in mine,
A peaceful smile on my lips.
I am home with the one I love,
At least one of my loves will share what I know.

I’ve always hopes to die in my sleep,
Lost in my endless dreams of wonder and loss.
Soundless.
Perfect.

No one would say something otherwise.
Or know for that matter.
Which is fine.
To be alone means less to hurt.

That’s the purpose.
Have less.
Hurt less.
Know no one.
Keep to yourself.
That’s the rule.

Thus dying in ones sleep,
Would be the perfect way to go.
Nothing more after that.  

No pain.
No love.
No happiness.
Nothing is just what I needed.

You threw me in jail,
And I couldn’t get a bail.
You betrayed the one person who loved you for everything you had,
Just wanted the better for you before it turned bad.

Which it did.
I have to fight three charges of the lies you told.
I hate you and myself.
No amount of talking can fix what is done.

So as I sit here making these poems and trying to push past what I feel,
I sit there from time to time a cry about what happened.
You think it’s over the girl you messaged.

If you could only see past that..

Torn to piece by vicious intent,
Regardless of the pleas being said,
The thoughts attacking her brain.
She wanted what’s best,
What is best for you is for?
Silence.

Honesty isn't hard to give,
I gave all of it,
Not wanting one moment to be ruined by me.
Yet here we stand,
Two different oppositions,
Two different types of trust,
No recollection of either.
One lost,
The other barely being found,
Our histories are different,
So why was it I.
Losing you kills me,
Even if you don't believe it,
But I also want you to be it.
Become the man I need,
I can wait,
I chose you to wait for.
Yet here I stand,
I am the liar,
I am the untrustworthy,
I was nothing.
A home to build,
A life with love from all sides,
But here we stand.
Apart.

I can’t wait for it. New opportunities and many more people to meet. To kiss new lips and not think about you.
Finding someone else.
Because I’m a ***** and my legs can spread so easily.


To think I almost let you get the best of me. Taking a hold of my heart once more and ripping it into pieces again.
But it’s okay I was already broken.

If you knew what you were talking about,
I wouldn’t hate you as much as I do now.
I’m so thankful for seeing the real you.
So glad that I didn’t fall into your game.

You must be pleased with yourself. You won and there’s nothing left.
And now this is the part where we go.
Build up again.
Grow again.
Trust again.
Love again.

There’s a small voice screaming.
Begging.
Crying.

It sits on the floor,
Legs pressed to its chest
Screams.

Blood starts to run down its arms,
Never did I notice.
How could I miss such detail.

It’s dying.
Begging for its life.
Hoping for another chance.
But it never would.

The deed is done.

You were on one knee again.
I was about to say yes.
“Nunez!”

My eyes shoot open and I’m in my red jumpsuit.
I turn to look at the guard, he brought me the book I wanted.
Two nights ago that is.

The girls in my pod were joyous and full of life.
I just smiled when needed and tucked the book under my mat.
Then climbed in my cocoon to fall asleep again till court.

It was four o’clock when I read what happened.
Stabbing you and breaking your phone was the only intentions I had apparently.
Your real name pops up throughout the reading and I’m filled with rage, hurt and vengeance.

Instead I cry.
Screaming inside hoping someone notices.
My heart burned and crumbled.
All because I wanted you to leave and you couldn’t, wouldn’t.

I’m stuck with felonies to fight while you get to run around free.
I hope you never see me again and I to you.
Everyone was right.

I shouldn’t have went back.

February 25.
I’ll never forget that day.
It’s the day you came into my life after all.

When you sent your first Snapchat too me,
I swear your smile is what kept me intrigued.
The way you’d laugh at my silliness and stupid remarks.
Constantly sending me something just so you could see me smile.

I love the way you look at me.
The way your dark eyes held me captive to every word you’d say.  
The love and affection in them always left me speechless.
Your eyes told me everything,
From what hurt you the most to loving me.

It was the way you played video games.
How you were so concentrated.
The way your face would scrunch up when you were in a battle to not die.
That night you stayed at my moms with me,
You whined waiting for your turn.  

The first time you told me you loved me,
I laughed.
I couldn’t even think it to be true.
Yet here you were.
My knight in shinning armor, the one to sweep me off my feet.  

Those nights we stayed together always brought tranquility with it.
The countless jokes we had, the days with Harley, and the many bonfires.
Looking up at the stars where you lived was out of this world, literally.
Laying on your chest with your arms wrapped tight around me.
Keeping me safe.

It was the way you’d sing to me and hold my hand.
When you’d write about me and things made sense.
Laughing at my clumsiness and telling me “You’re a dork babe!”
Making sure I knew that you loved me something fierce.
Reassuring me to the best of your abilities.

To think you made a 180 in my life,
And I hoped you’d be my second chance.
Also hoping I didn’t **** it up first.

Eventually I did.

I wished you’d leave me be.
I wished you’d stop trying to message.
Please keep your distance!

It doesn’t make sense to me, you tell me you’ll leave and never try again.
Yet here you are.
Why?

You message late at night before I fall asleep.
Then all I’m left with at the end of the phone call is emptiness.
You take my answers and change it to something different.

You don’t want my answers, you never did and that’s okay..
But why give you that respect of my honor when you lied from the beginning?
Oh because I did worse.

If it was ALL my fault then why can’t you go..
If I am such a horrible person the why can’t you stop messaging.
You said it yourself.
So go.

You told him he ***** me. That wasn’t the case.
Saying you’re doing it to protect me but in reality it’s you that your protecting.
Thinking you can meddle in affairs that aren’t yours.
You kept telling me to leave it in the past.
It happened.
It’s done.

So why couldn’t you?

Out of all the things you said about me.
To my face, your friends and family, it was *******.
Believing in something that I know I ruined.
Still never fails to be brought up.

Thank you though. You showed me far more than before.
I hope you know that this was it.
I hope you know that I did try regardless of your assumptions.
I hope you know that you’re not the nice guy that finished last.
If you were then me and your ex’s wouldn’t be thinking the same thing.

All will go well for you though. You can focus on your real girl.
The one you can’t truly stand to be apart from.
And I really do hope it goes amazing for you both.

Have a good one, goodbye

Why do you tell me you love me,
When you didn’t.
Why say you’ll strive with me,
When you didn’t.
How come it’s always me,
When you did it.
I could tell you what is on my mind,
Then it is only your story.
Everything I’ve said is out,
Thrown like a rock on water.
Till I run out of skips,
And then i sink into the depths.
Once more.

I finally did it,
I found the one who doesn’t see just pain.
One who doesn’t see broken,
To build me up and guide me.
To take me to my love,
Smoking with a gravestone to ease my hurt.
Not once have you broke me,
While I was broken.
Comfort and cuddles,
Your scent to easy my pain.
Waking me from nightmares,
Terrible nightmares that’ll haunt my days.
Yet you my ball of sunshine,
You see it go by like a cloud.
Loving me endlessly,
Countless of times you’ve saved me.
I’m proud to have this ring on my finger,
Saying yes was my greatest moment.
Being your fiancé,
Your wife.
Till the end my husband

Tiny handprints,
Yet your fingers have slipped,
without the hand that was holding yours,
I am now lost.

I got ****** by friends.
I got ****** by family.
I even got ****** by the one who said wouldn’t.

I’m tired of all the lies.
I’m tired of being disrespected.
I’m tired of the false hope when it should be me giving myself hope.

I’m exhausted.
I’m defeated.
Yet I’m still trying to climb when I can’t even walk.

I’ve hit the bottom enough times.
I did my part of loving unconditionally.
I made it known I’m here,
Yet I’m still silent as ever.

Succumbed to the weakness of you,
Tolerating what was then.
Personals never to brought upon,
Yet stuck to my skin like summer sweat.
One night,
One life,
One set to say goodbye.
Fake customers and heard in the deep,
I can’t run back no longer I could.
I played with the mental,
Still stood tall,
And I am still sticking to my memoir of you.
Life isn’t easy nor is it quaint.
I’ve loved both and one still stands.
To be in love is an act of weakness,
To let those who figure realize.
I’ve know what I did,
Nobody could compare to what was;
Least I know what I do.
Again starting back to what I knew

You made me complete,
You held my hand once more,
Put hands on my body like nothing before.
Bliss.
Yet you are now gone
There’s nothing left for us now.
I got lost again..
defeated.

Our conversations,
it’s like a breath of fresh air.
Trying to hate you as we talk and I can’t help but look at you.
Your features on your face, one of my favorite things about you.
The way your eyes squint more so than usual. How your smile is breathtaking and warms me up. The sound of your voice is so sweet and pure. Your laugh is a sweet harmony of relief and strength.  
But I’m gasoline to your fire, wicked and influencing.
One drop and your flame brightens,
Except I poured too much.
Now you are a blazing inferno, a rage of fire licking up everything in its wake.

Using mistakes I made to help you heal
And letting you hurt me to help yourself.
Until I don’t anymore and I’m broken again.
Never not once thinking that this could be done differently.
It’s a clean straight shot to being okay for you and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to trade it.
After all I am the bad guy in all of this.
I have to regret it.
Have to hate you to be okay.
It’s what we wanted and I have to stick to it.
Doesn’t matter if we love each other.
We can never be as okay as we hoped.
You could just let me leave,
But I know you won’t or you can’t.

We wouldn’t have to be reminded,
We wouldn’t have to listen to each other’s accusations,
We wouldn’t have to pretend to not have any feelings just so we can play Superman.

I wouldn’t have to think that I’m the worst.

You keep me sane,
Truly you do.
Collectively you speak to me,
And i am weak.
Like a sedative I cave into relaxation,
Knowing you are here brings me peace.
Sleeping peacefully,
Laughing,
I just need to enjoy the life.
Enjoy you.

I always imaged what it would be like,
To love someone to such an extent.
Always there when you need them.

Sometimes I used to think it would flow like water,
A constant run through the rocks and moss.
Everything in place.

Being able to speak with ease, not lost in the tremendous amounts of questions.
Words coming out like silk,
Perfection.
No care to what they’d think, only understanding.

Usually though,
I think of how it would feel to wake up next to them.
The feeling of my head on their chest,
Arms wrapped so tightly to keep me safe.

These though are just the hopeless dreams of a small little girl.
Stuck in her world of amazement,
An illusion.
For now she is grown and knows, love doesn’t exist to those who became,
Lost.