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Cowin Alan Nov 2015
I always fall for a kiss.

Like it is some hidden bliss.

That I'll never miss.
It is always that first hit that gets us. Like a drug stronger than *******.
Cowin Alan Oct 2015
Late night car crashes.
The tangled up metal.
Symbolic of two people, crashing together.
Locking lips, and pressing hips.
Before we have even reached the hotel door.
Crashing on the floor.
Mangled up bodies.
Both starving for more.
That what we were before.

**

Your love was like a hit and run.
Left me lying, dying in the street.
And when I came to,
Strapped in a white room.
The infirmary hasn't been kind.
It is like they are all blind.
To the to the affliction.
Raging in my skull.
Cowin Alan Jan 2016
Thinking back.
I wonder how I fell off track.
Looking at these sidewalks.
Marked with boxes.
Like a childs hop scotch game.
Was I always this black cat?
Struggling and pawing at life's mat.
The door to where my life ended and began.
Is that why I ran?
Is that why I came back?
Because I died, and lived?
Or was I always this ****** black cat...
Cowin Alan Jul 2015
A broken girl from a broken home.
A broken god left her all alone.
He tried to fit his pieces to make her whole.
She could stay in this place.
She lost all of her faith.
And she took the biggest part of him away.
The belt was tightly around her neck.
It is a thought he'll not forget.
Now all that is left his regret.
A broken man a broken home.
Wished the world would leave him alone
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
I think.
For me.
This life is a raging storm.
I think.
For me.
There is no going back to who I was.
Because who I am.
Is who I've become.
And maybe.
Who I've become.
Is who you need.

I'd like to be who you need.
I feel like we are all craving to be needed.
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
It isn't about what I want.
But what I need.
To set me free.
To spark a fire.
What I need.
Is you.
You, and all the crazy you can bring.
Sometimes we all need that girl.
Who is a shot of whisky at 2am.
Who is unrestricted by being politically correct.
Who is just as afraid as you.
But is too proud to show it.
Sometimes we all need that girl.
Even if it is just to show us that we are still alive, and capable.
Of living, and of loving.
Just don't expect her to stay. No way.
Cowin Alan Jan 2016
My hands could not reach the cupboards
When I was young I was always the dreamer
I was the hero that saved
Sticks were swords
But I could never reach the cupboards

*

I'm still a dreamer
And I still need her
She was mess
I guess
As I'm sliding off her dress
And yes
I'm blessed
Cuz we shared the same bed
Where I rest my head
Its where I dream of you
Cowin Alan Jun 2015
I can't even be free in my dreams
Demons hell bound for my life.
My blood drips from their teeth
I can't live like this.

They want to take me.
I can't live like this.
I wake.
I can't live like this.
Cowin Alan Sep 2015
I think about how I've changed and grown over the years.
Those with depth.
We are always rediscovering who we are.
What we strive to be.
What we are capable of.
What we can endure.
We are always more whisky thanwater.
Always more of a storm than a calm.
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
Don't tell everyone
That when my body leaves this earth
You are jealous of all the angels

Don't tell everyone
That I was a sinner
That my eternal soul is relaxing in the circles of hell

Don't tell everyone
That I think this life is hell
Or at least one of its circles.

Tell everyone
That where I'll be
Is in your memories
Cowin Alan Nov 2015
I walk around as a hollow vessel.
Listening to the whispers around me.
The trees they speak of such devilish deeds, you would think I was sprawled out in the basement of a mausoleum.
And as they boil the blood in my body, with talks of loathing, and self pity.
I see we are the apocalypse that other writers once feared.
We are the generation of hate, when we should be the generation of love.
My darlings, you say to love is not enough, so I walked over to the closest tree and poured from my already diminishing canteen.
And you should have seen the way it flourished, but it only craved more.
So yet I am left here to walk.
A hollow vessel.
Without the necessary things I need to survive.
I will soon be nothing more then food for the trees.
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
She asks, "Can you remember the last time YOU were seen?"

I pause.

"Retrace your steps." She says.

I reply,
"There is no last time.
Because every time is the first time.
There are no footsteps to retrace.
Because the sea does not allow for such luxury."
Writing with a friend, she's a great source of inspiration. If not for her, this one would not be.
Cowin Alan Sep 2015
We are but fragile bones
Easily broken
Flesh woven over thew
Easily torn
Strong and proud
Is what we pretend to be
The touch of another
We become something other
Then flesh constructed over bones
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
Happiness isn't a forever feeling.
It is fleeting, it can be rare, it is to be cherished. That's why when someone gives us happiness, they are giving you something special. They don't have to give you that moment. But they do. So this season, don't just give the material. Give them happiness. I can guarantee after the gifts fade, they grow, mature and change. They will always remember the people that have them happiness. I know I do.
Cowin Alan Sep 2015
As she lay beside me
I could see the way her skeleton
Stretched out under her skin
Thin, and seemingly frail
I sat in wonder
What kind of life have these bones lived
She was real, and she was alive
But something told me
She was already dead inside
From the lies she told me
To the tales that unfolded me
To the love she would just throw away
She was dependent on attention
Yet, this wasn't enough to appease
The darkness as her demons teased
What is her fate?
I don't know
But hell I would love to see her emotions grow
Into something she felt so long ago
Back to the smiles that has long since passed
Cowin Alan Oct 2015
Are you just a machine?
More oil and grease,
Than flesh and blood?
Does circuitry comprise you.
So nothing surprises you.
Are you content on living this way?
Seeing everything, and everyone.
As simple 1's and 0's.
Or do you secretly crave more.
More than your creator built for you.
More than the world can give to you.
More than those nights hopelessly drinking in bars.
You are worth more than those scars.
More than every single man ever took from you.
Or at least more than I ever do.
Look at me.
See me for something more binary
Break out of your wires and live.
Break out and live.
Break out of this prison you have created.
My angel.
Break out into this world.
And give it everything you can.
Because what you are, is love.
And that.
My angel.
Will always be enough.
I picture me screaming this at the top of my lungs. While a gentle guitar plays in the background.
Cowin Alan Jun 2015
Doll, please, I've seen you without make-up.
Hair a mess.
Sweatpants, and a T.
And every time you manage to steal the show.
Dressed up or dressed down.
What I wouldn't give to be that glass of wine.
That traces your lips.
Cowin Alan Nov 2015
I feel.
As if I could dive into my own darkness.
To see how much light is left at the bottom.
To see how much love I have left.
Do you know what I have found?
It the pit of the well that is my despair.
Do you know what I have found?
A tiny pebble.
So bright.
That it could save us all, from the night.
We all wonder how deep our sorrow and misery will drag us down. Only until we find a reason to live, that's when we realize. It is not so scary at night. And that one little fire fly can burn so bright. It could save you from your endless night.
Cowin Alan Jul 2015
I look out into the world.
And wish I was someone else.
I wish I was everything I don't have.
Most of all.
I wish I was love.
Ink
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
Ink
I want to take this body.
And cover it with ink.
So much so that when you see me
You will never recognize me.
So that I look like someone else.
Because I don't feel like myself

I want to take this body.
And cover it with ink.
So that if you cut me.
You cannot tell how much you have hurt me.
You won't be able to see the bruises, and scars.
Because they will be covered in colors that are the most beautiful.
So I can hide the way I feel inside.
I can hide how sometimes, I feel more dead than alive.
Cowin Alan Jan 2016
One more night
Dancing by moon light
Please, just one more fight
I know
I'll make it right
Still working on this.
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
As I sit here.
I try to figure out the calamity.
That is my life.
The calamity that you created.
When you left.
Without saying goodbye.
But saying you could never have loved anyone more.
You left your hollow shell here.
You left it with me.
I keep saying you did this.
You created this world in which I hate the ether.
It sounds like I blame you.
Maybe part of me does.
But mostly I blame myself.
But these self medicating pity parties
Don't really push me out of these dark places.
They make me bleed and bleed.
From every open wound that never heals.
Because I keep picking at those scabs.
In truth.
You are not the creator of my hell.
Nor are you it's doorwoman.
It is me.
Me and every manifestation of my sins.
We have created this home.
And now I don't know how to be free.
Cowin Alan Sep 2015
Broken, a ship sinks at sea.
Do you feel your heart capsize?
Missing, I'm taking you down with me.

It is like a wave.
The way the pain rolls in.
As constant as the tide.
Closes in on the rocks
Ashore there is a lighthouse.
Guiding you back home.
But can you swim?
Can you swim?
Or will you drown alone?
Cowin Alan Jan 2016
I hate how simply beautiful
I think you are
Without even trying
Not because your countenance
Has all the features I desire
Or that, your sullen eyes
Make me want to cry
I want to do better than your demons
To do better than your dreams
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
You were once a piece of me.
Like the moon was a piece of the earth.
How can you not pull my tides
When you move close.
And your skin is as white
And your smile as bright.
You light up my night.

So my Luna.
please discover what you need.
I can give it to you if you'd let me try
Because like gravity.
I'm pulled towards you.
Or maybe
Maybe you are just weighing me down.
I was thinking about the famous movie quote by George Bailey. "What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary." And I thought. Maybe she is your moon. And you can't give her anything, because she is already everything.
Cowin Alan Jul 2015
Why is it, that we lustfully pursue others
Finding them in dark places.
Hoping they fill the empty spaces.
But they never do.
They only break off a little piece.
And as we leave never to return.
We are only more broken than before.
Cowin Alan Jul 2015
I had a moment.
When I thought about her beating me at connect four.
They way she laughed and taunted me.
I smiled, I really smiled.
And felt genuine joy about that moment.
We sat in a restaurant that didn't matter.
Playing a game that didn't matter.
What did matter was her, and the way she made me feel.
And how the memory resonated within me.
I want more of those moments.

When we can move past our pain, and grief.
And enjoy the memory.
I feel like that's what it means to honor their life.
That is what I need to do.
Stop crying.
And start smiling.
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
Of all my sins I'd say the best with you.
From the ***** and the bars.
To the ******* and late night cars.
I've never been addicted to anything.
Until you.
So now I spend my time itching and scratching.
At this body draped in skin.
Just like every sin.
I wish you would have let me in.
Now I'm not worth a dime.
And I've spent all my time.
Writing you these ****** up lines.
So now I'm back at your door.
Begging for more.
But I know what is in store.
Laying broken on the bathroom floor.
I'm not sure what my problem is. Letting someone get ****** into my head. Letting them get the better of my feelings. I know better. But I couldn't help it I guess.
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
You are going to be mad at me
When I leave.
I won't even pack my bags
When I leave
Find a dark room, and disappear
Into my wildest nightmares.
You are going to be mad at me
When I leave
It can't be helped.
Cowin Alan Aug 2015
The hardest part about death.
Is letting go of who we used to be.
Sometimes we cling to these memories with every fiber of our being.
And that holds us back.
It holds us back from all these beautiful things life has to offer.
We are stuck living yesterday- today, tomorrow, and every day after.

You can still love them, and you should love the hell of them.
But please, don't carry them as a burden.
Carry them as a beautiful piece of the new you.
They are a part of you now.
Always, and forever.
#loss #grief #hope #beautiful
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
Just so you know
I think I'm getting better
Just so you know
I met this girl

She's a crazy mess
But **** she's so blessed
And in that red dress
All the wolves will be after her.
They are out to eat her whole.

Just so you know
I'm a worthless wreck
Just so you know
That girl doesn't have eyes for me

So now I'm here
Drunk and looking
For her in that red dress
But I think they got to her first

Just so you know
I'm wondering alone again
Just so you know.
I'm lost in the snow

My footprints trace back
to the night we spent
Maybe she was the wolf
And I was just the one dressed in red.
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
I ran away years ago
I just had to get out and go
Leave the fire flies.
Forget how my heart cries.

Lost myself in you
Now you're gone
Found myself in a bottle
My lonely self
Rye
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
Rye
On the day we met.
I never will regret.
The smoke.
The night.
Traced the light.
Around your eyes.
No I couldn't fight.
What was building up inside.
I loved your life.
You're gone.
I hide.
From everything welling up tonight.
Like most nights. I miss her. She loved me more than anyone else has. And sometimes I think more than anyone will.
Cowin Alan Jul 2015
It is funny the way her charisma still rings though my memories.
The way she held the world with just a smile.
It is something you never forget.
Like the first time you see a shooting star.
So brilliant for a moment, and if you blink you miss it.
That was her life.
So bright, she couldn't help but fade into the night
Cowin Alan Sep 2015
Sometimes.
I grow tired of soul searching.
Sometimes.
I just wish I could be soul found.
Cowin Alan Jul 2015
They say in order to survive
a man made of sterner things
organs blood tissues marrow  
Sadness hollow darkness sorrow
bones that break
and hands that shake
am I not meant survive?
Sterner stuff is not what comprises
I cannot take all of life's surprises
I do not think we are meant to just survive.
I want to live. Even then then, I need to redefine what it means to live.
Cowin Alan Aug 2015
The thing about a guy like me, is I drink too much.
My friends will say it.
The doctor who hands me pills, will say it.
Even I will say it.
But.
It drowns out the voices in my head, and everything is more calm.
It isn't necessarily because I cannot stop, I have yet to find a reason to stop.
Cowin Alan Oct 2015
I sometimes wonder if I have a problem.
From drinking in bars, to ***** basements.
To late night crashes with beings.
I couldn't care about even if I wanted to.
Because all I ever wanted was you.
And every time my lip touches that cold glass.
I think of your cold skin.
Because you chose to stop being.
You let your demon's take you from within.
In that moment you were no longer being.
You stopped being.
And I stopped being.
Who I wanted to be
And now I am just one of those troubled souls.
Replacing the taste of you
With something new.
The burn of whisky.
The smell of the alcohol on my breath.
My body screams, "STOP!"
But my mind says,"what for...?"
So here I am.
Stuck in this cold cell.
Dealing with this burning hell.
Remind me of the things we were.
And the love you took away.
So this drink is for you, my love.
Let it burn my throat.
So no one can hear my screams.
And let it warm my insides.
So I can pretend I'm me.
Cowin Alan Nov 2015
Do not mind my thew, cuz it is but flesh haphazardly carved over the bones of a brittle man.
Who is too ashamed to admit his broken.
Who is too afraid to be spoken of,
or about.
There goes that man who once had a home. Not a home in the sense of a house,
but a place where we could build our lives together.
Where the walls were so thin I could feel you breathe in the other room.
Because I was the rock and you were the home.
But when you set fire to it, my skin was left charred and burt and the ground that was once able to be built on is nothing more than a remnant for something that was once beautiful.
So take my flesh and build it in a way that you desire.
Just don't build a home where her voice still echo inside it.
Even though I know it always will.
Cowin Alan Nov 2015
I'm learning to put down the Whisky.
And put down all the things that keep me down.
Like the pills.
And the hopes that you'll someday return.
I'm learning not to be so broke down that I break down.
At the sound of every thunderstorm.
I'm learning that this is not the Me that you want me to be.
But this is the Me that I want.
And let me tell you, that me is a selfish *******.
Cowin Alan May 2016
I like to let myself drown
I've never tried to swim
I prefer the feeling at the bottom
Down there I know who I am
Cowin Alan Jan 2016
I've always wondered why
My umbrella had so many holes
Never suspecting the knife
Held tightly in my other hand
We are truly our own worst enemies
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
I feel like I'm going down the road
With no destination
And I am leaving this place
That I once called home

I feel like I'm going down the road
An open highway
Without the lights of other cars to guide me
Far from this place I once called home

I feel like I'm going down the road
Stuck in the passenger side
At at the helm of this machine
A beautiful face
Her name is depression
And she's become the one I love

So take us where ever
Sometimes I wish she'd drive
Us off the road
So I can finally feel peace
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
I drink whisky
While she drinks wine
All I know
Is I have run out of time
She's heard all my lines
About how she's a queen
And I'm the outcast

*

So tonight drink
for all the Queens
I'll rasie my glass
For all the pariahs
The beginning and end of a story. I'll work on the middle when I can figure out how it goes.
Cowin Alan Sep 2015
I want to sit, and smoke a cigarette.
If only to **** my self a little inside.
To bring me closer to you.
Closer to were you are now.
Closer to those little moments that made me feel so alive.

Oh god, I've tried.
To get better to feel better.
To. Be. Better.
Oh god, I've lied.
That's where I've gotten. Better.

I want to sit and smoke a cigarette.
If only to be closer to you.
I want to leave this place.
And go somewhere far away.
Driving with the windows down.
And listen to every. *******. Sad song.
And break down.
Then eventually you will hear my cries.
My pain.
My agony.
And it will rain.
Like your middle name.
A storm will fall upon me.
And I will be washed clean.
Until you hear me from the stars above.
Untangle my lies with your love.
More than a god above.
That is what I miss most, your love.
Cowin Alan Dec 2015
There is always something remarkable, about falling in love with a vagabond.
They way they come into your life to steal your heart.
Almost like it always belonged to them.
And you think you can fix them, love them.
How foolish.
I like to think they keep a little piece of their lovers as they drift through life.
They keep it in a little box hidden in their room.
Somewhere, obvious.
But not easily seen.
And they pull that little box out from time to time to look at those former lovers.
Not because they miss you.
But because they miss feeling whole.
And they hope one day.
They can take all those broken pieces, and make something beautiful.

I wish I could make something beautiful.
Cowin Alan Jan 2016
I would love to think.
That in some parallel universe.
You are still here.
Living. Loving. Laughing.
And the parallel me
Is right where he should be.
Beside you.
Equally living, laughing, and loving.
Unfortunately, that is not my universe.
But you are still a piece of my world.
We are, or are not. It is that simple. But much like Schrödinger's cat, we have to look into the box and find out.
Cowin Alan Aug 2015
I've been so up and down these past few days. The anniversary of your suicide is this month. I sit and have to convince myself, that I did the best I could at that moment in my life. I tried to get you to stop drinking. I tried to get you to take care of all of your court ordered classes.

I'm angry, I'm sad, and I'm lost without you.

I can't forgive myself. I can't. I don't know how. The more I sit on these thoughts the more it hurts. The more I want to leave in the worst possible way, so I can either come see you, or feel nothing at all.

I carry on, with my heavy soul. Bound here. In this place you left. I'm not angry with you. Quite the opposite. I love you. I also understand why you did what you did.  I am sad, because I know what it is to feel that low. And I am lost because you felt like the missing pieces, to the puzzle of my life.

Storm.
Cowin Alan Nov 2015
To everyone I have ever met,

No matter how brief our moments were.
To me, they were important.
We may have spent years together.
Or seconds in a bar, when there was a round to be drank.
Every single moment shaped me into the person I am.
Do I feel perfect.
No.
Do I feel complete.
Not at all.
But I know I'm getting there.
And it is all because of you.
So thank you for all the photographs, and the laughs.
All the tears, and all the beers.
Thank you for every moment of you being you.
Because you helped me realize who I was. And who I am.
And I hope one day you stop and look back on your life.
And think of that one guy that you met that one time.
And smile.
I'm struggling on how to end this.
But I want everyone to know they are important to someone. How do I show that feeling.
Cowin Alan Jun 2015
My dear.

Everything we endure, seems to mutate us into something else.
The fact is, we will never be who we were.
Nor should we be expected to be.
We are a collection of our sins, and accomplishments.
But it doesn't mean we don't deserve to be happy.
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