It's the finality of it all that propels me to run away,
and in my distraught cowardice I ponder,
just how many masks must I wear,
to masquerade my hatred, to hide my tears, to disguise all the fear?

Angels, and Demons lie in and around every thought,
and in my wrath, denial, and loathing,
I chase them away with the ferocity of a demon
rampant within a fog of ****** induced madness,

and yet that demon which remains; knows just the right words.

Her venomous static pierces the softest remnants of my heart,
the mask cracks, and my hatred erupts like knives, razors, and ropes tied in nooses;

I want to **** your daughter in front of your eyes,
I want to ****** everyone you love; while you watch in agony,
I ******* despise you.. humanity is filth, a virus, and a ******* disease.

I pour gasoline on my own humanity, and watch god's crinkled face
as I scrape a razor across my skin just to spite his entire ******* existence,
just - to - spite - my - own - existence..

I slowly burn it all away, burn away all that matters, and all that I love..

I ******* hate it all!
I want to destroy it all!
I want to consume it all!
I want it all to end in a fiery blaze!

I want humanity to writhe in the same diseased agony that engulfs my heart
piercing it like millions of red hot razor blades..

I want to destroy every last bit of compassion,
every last bit of purity left in humanities already blackened hearts,
and as I watch as it all crumbles to the ground in it's insignificance,

I can only laugh.

Tenere in Memoria
The world now coated in a film
Like faded pictures of long ago
Peeling layers of emotion
Distorting images, memories, perception
Longing to feel that feeling
Any feeling
Tied to when she loved me
Was it but yesterday a year ago
A lifetime in muted colors....still
Dulled by pain
Perhaps, too, by fear
A babe in her arms
Rebellion from the plain fact
That love, in any hue, is real
Friendship out of distance
A foundation of strength
Built on the shoulders of a woman
Stronger than any man
Fragile just the same
Bonded in life
So too in death
Razors slowly replace silence
Muted colors turn angry
Turn black as the void settles in
Every sunny day
A spiteful reminder of joy gone by
Memories revisited more often than made
Time, an immortal enemy
Longing to feel that feeling
Any feeling
Tied to when she loved me

I wish you came with an instruction manual, because loving you makes no sense.

I take that back because even if you did it would probably be written in German.

I try to put together pieces and all I see is handle with care but when I reach out, your body language says "don't touch me there." Not physically, not emotionally, and when I try mentally you yell "get out of my brain." Even in the same atmosphere our breathing is not the same.

I cling to your exhale and forget that I need to inhale. I pray that you're alive not worried about my imminent death, because once again, loving you just doesn't make sense.

Maybe if you had come with subtitles, I could love you better. So that I could read what you say instead of hear it, since the two never seem to be the same.

You make me feel deaf. And that would be okay if only American Sign Language was enough to make you stay. Why can't you just say how you feel so I can feel what you say?

You drown me with complacency and get mad when I can't stay afloat.  You're screaming you can't handle this yet ask me why I'm walking towards the door.

We were supposed to be two beats, and one heart. I was supposed to love you right, but I don't know how..

You came with no instruction manual.

Loving you just doesn't make sense.

In Your smile is born my very breath
I give you all i have to give
Your lies have brought about my death
For trust has no place left to live

Hey Dad,
It's been some time since we last spoke. I miss you, still. I'm writing to ask that you pass a message on to Mom for me. She never was one for sentimental stuff; but you know that, already.

Tell Mom that she is missed by all of her children; we miss her especially on this, her first Mother's Day away. I will miss not calling or seeing her. I missed sweating over what to get her this year. I miss her voice those times when I just needed to hear it; the first time that Noah had an ear infection, those times that I needed to know what was wrong with my roses. She always seemed to have the right answer no matter what. Just like you.

Tell Mom that I'm doing well. I've stopped drinking. I know she never liked that. Tell her that Noah is graduating from High School next month. You both were always so proud of him. He misses both of you very much. You should see him now, Dad. He's as tall as I am. As tall as you. He has grown into a good man; he is a lot like you in many ways. Noah sends his love to you both.

Well, I just wanted to say hello, and ask that you tell Mom that I love her. Tell her that I understand. It was time. She missed you. You were waiting up in the high pasture for quite awhile.  I'll let you go, now. I know that you two still have a lot of catching up to do.

Hugs to Mom.

                         Love,
                         Rick

r ~ 5/11/14

At one time, for a time
The flowers danced beside me
The fields swayed with the music of our hearts

At one time, for a time
My heart was overflowing
Knowing love would never leave us part

At one time, for a time
There never was a question
Doubt was simply a word we never felt

At one time, for a time
The ugly glistened lovely
For through your eyes the darkness seemed to melt

At one time, for a time
The ladybug would giggle
As it flew in loops around your smile

At one time, for a time
Your love would heal my sadness
Oh to live that one time, for awhile

We were friends but i wanted more,
I wanted you whilst you wanted someone else.

I wanted you to touch my skin, more than you wanted too.

We could have intwined in the bedsheets together, but you were already in someone else’s arms.

I wanted forever but you wanted forever with someone else.

You left me with nothing but memories and the smell of you on my sheets.

You left a stain on my soul an ache in my chest.

I was addicted too you,
and i was a faint memory at the back of your mind.

I fell in love with you when you weren’t willing to meet me halfway.
I wonder if my clingyness, sadness drove you away,
to someone else.

And im still stupid enough to care, because you are you, because nothing else matters to me more than you.

You only cared to fill the space of loneliness from your last whilst you waited for your next.

You left a hole in my soul.

I left you with the satisfaction of knowing that i will always be there no matter what pain, suffering or upset you have put me through because i care too much to forget you.

I wanted my passion back..
This was who I was, and I wanted her to visit.
Even for a brief moment, so I can kiss myself on the forehead upon my return.
And actually say goodbye when she decided to leave.
I wanted her back.
My passion.
I wanted my poetry.. Back.
She fled from me.
Lost underneath the city sky, with false illumination from street cars named desire.
There was no North Star for her to follow, no way for her to venture back to my heart.
Like a turtle needing the moon to be led to the sea, I doubted she would ever make it back home
Extinction was the roughest of all possibilities but to mourn the loss of a love held selfish tendencies
I only missed her cause of how she made me feel not because of who she was or who she could have been
The manifestation of my pent up frustration came to set me free
Just pull the trigger
Nobody will miss her
Oh say can you see- what I am saying?
All I wanted was my passion back.
And it wasn't until I found G-d that I heard three knocks on the door saying

Here
I
Am