today, i say hello to you
only to say goodbye;
i'll find comfort in your presence
today for the last time.

you used to be my safe haven
my peace, my tranquility
but things are simply meant to end
and it's our time now, maybe.

with the peace we had hand in hand
came the anxiety in my heart
because even back then somehow i knew
that we would fall apart.

and maybe it's time to find comfort
in something that isn't you
because although you were the best for me,
i'll never be good for you.

so today, my love, i say goodbye,
the most bittersweet of words,
as for my mind now walks away,
my heart remains yours, undeterred.

hey mom, lately I haven't been okay
don't you see as you look me in the eye everyday?
the circles under my eyes are a little too deep
although nowadays all that I do is sleep

mom, last month, someone at school tried suicide
downing a bottle of paracetamol as he cried
I wanted to tell you about him, 'cause now he's dead,
but I remembered some of the things that you said

when the other day you were at the drug store
you heard someone overdosed on paracetamol
you laughed then you said, "why hold back at all?
why not drink poison? that'll work for sure!"

mom, I looked it up, it only takes fifteen tablets
fifteen of paracetamol and it'll send me straight to a casket
mom, what if I were that overdosing teen?
if I take only fourteen, would you tell me the same thing?

mom, I've been starving myself - I hardly eat
I don't know how I'm still managing on my feet
that's fine anyway, you told me I should go on a diet
so go on and tell me that I'm fat, I'll just keep quiet

hey mom, my arms are lined up with slits
but you're worried about if my clothes still fit
so I'll keep my mouth shut, I won't make things bigger
maybe if I tell my friends I'll feel a little better

mom, everyone keeps telling me I'm depressed
that I've got all these emotions inside me supressed
I only listen to you, mom, and I ignore the rest
after all, doesn't the saying go "mother knows best"?

mom, if I wanted to die, what would you do?
'cause if I tell you, I feel like you'd just say, "me, too!"
don't worry, mom, if I'm suddenly gone one day
I've learned to hate myself because of you anyway

mom, everyday is becoming a little too tough
I'm just holding on 'til I can cut deep enough
maybe it would be a nice surprise for me and you
if killing myself is something I finally do.

This is the last time I’ll see you,
the last chance to tell
just what it is about you,
that’s captured me so well.

I came so close to saying,
I came so close, you know.
How I wish you were staying,
but perhaps it’s best you go.

Maybe I’ll move on now,
now that you are gone.
I’d say I’ll forget somehow,
but we both know I’d be wrong.

They say first love never dies,
how am I to know?
Love- a word that never applies,
emotions that never show.

I said I don’t believe in love,
it’s simply not for me.
But then push came to shove,
and suddenly I could see.

You’re the perfect one for me,
but, alas, I’ve let you go.
To point out the things that we could be
is the lowest of the low.

Love is still shrouded in doubt,
at least for me, for now.
But so close to learning what it’s about,
you slipped away somehow.

This is goodbye, I’m moving on,
I hope you’ll understand.
I’d like to think that with you gone,
I’ll return from this dreamland.

This is goodbye, this is farewell,
it’s been fun indeed.
I hope you’ll return with stories to tell,
Something tells me you’ll succeed.

She rises and falls like a reposed breath
before an entire world's visage
in her encircled arms.
The incandescent glow of the stage
has an intoxicating quality to it,
the music being
something liquid, viscous.

As notes thrum in tender and soothing caresses,
her legs supple, twirl like petals
cascading under the weight of raindrops,
giving way to a lush surrender
steeped in a language of love and need.
Her very fire
and impassioned soulfulness
lifts her up above the crowd itself,
burning for all to see.

In this moment now
her timelessness enraptures me.
Another part of myself awakens to her grace
and renders me
gratefully whole.
A sense of euphoria slow dances its way
from her being to mine,
consuming every piece of my body
in a fiery bloom—
charging me with
a crackling, electrifying force
unlike my mere own.

I can see now
that this is what she was born to do—
to be on pointe, seeing everything.
Any instances of worldly fear
is left to the dying.
The rhythms of her old pains,
tribulations of past destructions,
are now buried beneath her feet.
And her radiant smile while she dances
still speaks to me gently—
that to be free
is to be wonderfully lost
in her waltz with destiny.

© BT

at first i looked at you with my teeth barred and i hissed. under my breath i spoke, "great. a room mate in treatment. just what i needed."
i spoke but two words to you,
and then you spoke back.
softness, kindness, genuineness in your voice.
and when you laughed, the little snort you did made me smile.
we shared our stories for those two hours.
people stopped by our door and stared in looking at why we were laughing so hard, and then they laughed because we were contagious.
we shared the same issues, and made light of our situations, finding love and comfort through one another.
and when i cried, you swaddled me and fed me words of peace and wisdom.
when it was a hard day we had to ability to place our hands on one another backs and say to the other, "hey, i know today was hard, but I am proud of you." And when she was proud of me, I was proud of me.
I was proud of her.
I was proud of us.
And she was my best friend, and the amount of times we repeated the words, "i love you, i love you, i love you." to one another. Is unimaginable.
But, as all good things do, everything started to fall apart.
Or maybe just I did.
I said things I regretted.
I hurt my best friend. The person who I loved, and in turn hurt myself.
I loved her.
Oh my gosh I loved her. I'm not gay, at least I don't think I'm gay,
but i loved her more than any pulsing, living, breathing thing on this planet and I know they say soul mates have to be romantic but why can't they just be your best friend?!
And when we parted and I didn't get to touch her skin again, it's been what seems like years now, it's as if the winter came early.
A darkness fell upon me and oh it was dark.
Darker than her hair.
Her wardrobe.
Her sense of humor.
And now we rarely talk.
I love when I see your name pop up on my phone, the purple heart emoji next to it, that's my favorite emoji, I use it for the best people.
And I ******* hate it, too.
Because I can't put into words how sorry I am.
How much I miss you.
How much I need you right now.
Maybe I loved you so much because you gave me the feeling of importance that no one else ever did.
I can't put into words that you were exactly what I wanted in my life and now you are gone and I can't get it back.
Although,
maybe I just did.

The saddest part is
You can't even tell yourself
Apart from the drugs

I saw something today
That reminded me of you
So I picked up my phone
Put in your number
And excitedly waited to talk to you
But with every ring you didn't pick up
My heart dropped lower out of my chest
.
.
"I'm not near my phone right now.. that or I'm purposely ignoring you Shanon just leave a message at the beep.. or don't whatever"
.
Beep
.
.

And it all hit me all over again
The feeling of choking
On my own tears
Drowning out the rest of the world
Because it had been so long
Since I last heard your voice
Yet it seemed it was only yesterday
We were playing street hockey
And making fun of eachother
And talking on the phone all night long
Just to hang out all day after
...
We would talk about our past
And what our future may hold
We talked about our demons
And secrets we never told
...
I remember being so angry
The day you left
After all we've been through
No sorry
No goodbye
Not even a single note
Explaining why
You decided I wasn't enough reason
For you to not climb into that bathtub
And press that razor blade onto your skin
...
How dare the sky rumble
When they took your lifeless body just to throw it in the ground
How dare the others cry
When you didn't make a single sound
How dare the birds still sing
When the world was falling apart
How dare the moon still come up
When nothing in the universe seemed to make sense
How dare they believe poems had to rhyme
How dare they still talk about the good old days
How dare they believe for one second they knew you at all
And most of all
How dare you--

How dare you leave me so broken
How dare you leave me so alone
How dare you call me your best friend
Just to leave me on my own?
...
The darkness lingering around my past
Found a deeper grip around my soul that day
As I watched pieces of my heart
Leave with you
.
.
.
Now I find myself sitting here awkwardly
Finally being able to string these useless letters
Into coherent words
To ask you if you're still listening up in the clouds
How dare you not pick up anymore
When I call you on the phone?


~Who else am I supposed to talk to when late at night my demons won't be put to sleep?
Who else am I supposed to talk to when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and weep?

I am no longer a child
Not the innocent, little girl I used to be
She is now but a memory
Replaced by a new face
It is unfamiliar and out of place
It's eyes so distant, they are alien
Coloured in with grey pencil
A complete contrast
To the rainbows that once filled them
They are gone now.

I miss her:the little girl
She was bright and she was bold
And I miss her
She used to wear sunshine coloured hoodies
With a smile that matched
Her happiness burned like a bonfire
Lighting up all around
She danced with no music
Sang with no song
Laughed with no reason

Her imagination ran riots
Stories flooded out of her
Tales of all kinds
Bejewelled with wild ideas
She dreamed up a new universe everyday
Explored her mind as though it was a jungle
She swung around on emerald vines
Excitedly breathing in
Every scent, every colour, every shape
Getting drunk on endless possibilities

The girl that fills the mirror smiles sadly
Her dull eyes overflowing with invisible tears
I do not know how to comfort her
She is stranger looking out at me
I choose to be blind to her mind
A war of conflict rages on in me
I am angry, red hot
Knowing she took away the sunshine
Though I feel pity, too, for the blue salt trails
That form crystals on her fading cheeks
Pity for colour she is rendered.