you look like
you'd like
me
believe me,
I know my place.
paint my face
look behind me
just in case
play the part
Strange;
smart
side salad and a heart
deviate
secret date
guess again
**** and then
never sorry
friends worry
deeper
still a keeper
drinking pace
pointless race
sleep and then
burrow again
private head case
busy saving face
I'll have a whiskey and soda, thanks.

My feelings of hate border on revulsion
Repulsion bordering on abhorrence,
Course through my veins
My blood is thick with ill will
Sociopathic thoughts fire my personal hatred
Hate is more powerful than love
Love hurts hate kills.

Flesh is heretic.
My body is a witch.
I am burning it.

Yes I am torching
ber curves and paps and wiles.
They scorch in my self denials.

How she meshed my head
in the half-truths
of her fevers

till I renounced
milk and honey
and the taste of lunch.

I vomited
her hungers.
Now the ***** is burning.

I am starved and curveless.
I am skin and bone.
She has learned her lesson.

Thin as a rib
I turn in sleep.
My dreams probe

a claustrophobia
a sensuous enclosure.
How warm it was and wide

once by a warm drum,
once by the song of his breath
and in his sleeping side.

Only a little more,
only a few more days
sinless, foodless,

I will slip
back into him again
as if I had never been away.

Caged so
I will grow
angular and holy

past pain,
keeping his heart
such company

as will make me forget
in a small space
the fall

into forked dark,
into python needs
heaving to hips and *******
and lips and heat
and sweat and fat and greed.

Hello me,

I'm you. I'm the older you after multiple suicide attempts, and lost in a haze of ***** and drugs.  I am also you who sought and searched for some meaning and belonging, only to find hypocrisy and pain.  But all that aside, I wanted to thank you for not giving up on life even though you wanted to.  Finally asking for help when you did, even though a part of you didn't care anymore.  Thank you for letting hope grow in you one day at a time.  Thank you for letting me love you, so I can love me today.  Life is pretty amazing today, and we would have missed out on this beautiful journey because we were so locked in our pain. Now, you and I can share our story of pain and suffering to help someone else.  We don't have to stay in a hopeless state of mind and body.  Thank you for having the courage to surrender and admit you couldn't do it alone anymore.  I love you very much.

Love,

I'm You

corrosion of the soul
happens slowly but surely
by crushing grind of monotony.

each day society tells me my
value is based on my function and production,
and little by little I am crushed by failing expectations
that are not my own.

my soul slowly corrodes into nothing, but
out of the vast emptiness, life emerges again.
I yearn to be free, and this time I bear my
wounds with honesty and dignity. I am
unashamed about my soul being free to be me.

I have value period, not based on function or production,
but simply because I have a spark of life within me.
a divine spark that gives brith to new life
within me each day, each moment.

If I were to be a day,
It would be overcast
And I'm not even sure that light
Would come, or ever last. 

If I were to be a breath,
I would be shallow
Hard to take, hard to keep
From a chest too hollow. 

If I were to be a heart,
I would be almost whole
Except for the time I let it sit out
And you pinpricked a hole. 

If I were to be a house,
I'd have an iron-bound door
Nothing would enter without my say
And I wouldn't go out anymore. 

If I were to be a song,
You'd never hear my words
They'd be in a language you don't know
The language of hurt.

I once found a bird when I was younger

the bird was small and weak and abandoned by its other birds

I took it home, I did all I could

soon the bird died

why, bird, why

why die?

you could have lived
you could have flied

I told my mother

my bird is dead

it will never fly


mother still wonders why I have never touched living things again.

utter futility of self righteous anger
wraps it's dark cloud around me.
my brain becomes foggy, and my
perception becomes distorted.

love feels like hate, and pain feels like freedom.
my fear leads to anger, which leads to a split
second choice where my fists punch a concrete
wall.

my hand explodes with pain that spreads to my arms
and then to my whole body.  the pain numbs my inner
pain and discomfort.  I want to be a spiritual person, but
sometimes I'm just a frail human being afraid to feel hurt,
so I numb myself with pain.  Utter insanity to try to escape
suffering by self-harm, but that's what happens sometimes.

I am left facing the wall cradling my hand.  I am left with a feeling of utter futility.  My own powerlessness over my
self destructive behavior leaves me humbeled and willing to ask for help.  God, help me let go. Help me not harm myself and others.  Help me feel emotional discomfort without resorting to
punching walls.  Help me be free.

I lived in a house on the hill of my thoughts; a broken home with parents with halted hearts
My blood was young but my mind so old; my body tattered but never my soul
I met her in the valley of my dying dreams,
radiant with romance running in her ravenous veins
Relating her prose to carnivorous crows;
she was as disparate as me with as many internal foes
On the grass we kissed with an appetite,
she tasted of salt water, but drowning never felt so right
I didn’t know how to swim, but for her I would dive
I had never met anyone who made me feel so alive
Soon by noon I went home, after we grew weary
I don’t know where she went, but I hope it was somewhere near me

I have uncovered that there is no word that holds more sorrow than potential.
Fate lies as only an unwitting alibi,
Malice only a valcher in its wake.
Potential is the reaching, unavoidable canyon in the soul,
So very tainted and saddened for things that never existed.
It is a pitiful nostalgia for words never spilt to the floor.
For the kisses that never stained the lips.
For the fingers that never brushed the skin,
With the electricity that was never felt.
For the places that were empty of you.
Potential, I have found,
Is a human construction.
Sinisterly designed to haunt you with who you are,
Remind you of who you are not,
And the vast, treacherous difference between the two.
-

(I mourn you in all the things we had not been,
I mourn you in all the places we had not seen.)

I love -
The way your tired eyes whispered,
As if to apologise for the cowardice of the tongue.
I love -
The twists and turns of your sleeps,
And the way your skin finds mine in the darkness.
(The proximity of your heart).
I love -
The dangerousness and menace of your touch,
And how I wear it on my lips for days.
I love -
The sorrow that dances in your wake,
Your partner in crime.
Your presence in my sadness.
(The way you linger in my skin).
-

(I am forever haunted by all the space I must live in without you).