i want desperately to believe that if i concentrate
hard enough
if i focus all of my will and thought
on you
so hard
that my blood boils and
spills over
if i dream of what i
want
from you enough times
i will manifest you

in a cloud of smoke from the candles i have lit
you will appear before me
at my door that i have opened for you
you will wait
i will let you in once again
you will remind me that this is not love
and i will nod
for it is impolite to speak
with your mouth full

my mouth mechanically moves
wouldyoulikeabaghereisyourreceiptthankyousomuchforcominginh­aveaniceday
i wonder how many times i have said the same sentence in the last half hour
as those recycled, rearranged letters
squeak, tired, from the middle of my throat
a laugh, fake, tense, comes from my nose
as i feel what little soul there was in me to begin with
die
this can't be it
this can't be all there is
the helpless thoughts slide sluggishly by
what is the point of surviving so much
when this is all i have to look forward to?

i think about the songs i wish i could write about you
deep and sweeping words that would compare your eyes to the sky and your laugh to starlight
compare the curves of your body to the most breathtaking places in the world and every childhood story you've told me to yards of silk folded and stored reverently in the attic of my head, on the shelf closest to my eyes so i'll remember them always
but then i remember that
these verses tied to your wrists with delicate, translucent chords
while they may make the tide trace currents in the lines in your face
they will not make your heart collide with mine

i light a candle
i pick at my nails
i fish the eyelash out of my eye
without hesitation
a car bouncing music blares by
i pick at my teeth
i look around
i look at the snake
at the fish
at the upturned bottle of tea
at the plate of crumbs out of the corner of my eye
at the keys
at the door
i cross my legs
the joints lock up
i uncross my legs
i ignore my cat who has jumped on me and obscures my vision
i lay back
i gather my thoughts though they are like smoke
i breathe for a while
i lose my train of thought and i do not mourn its passing
this is my calling
this life is mine
i will keep it

I'm so tired
Everything is so heavy
                                            Who am I?
I'm so tired
Everything is so blurry
Around the edges
                                            Keep walking
                                           Keep breathing
To the beat of a drum
                                           Keep living
I'm so tired
Don't shut down
They tell me
But deep down I know
                                           it's only a matter of time


Everybody dies
The world stops for
No one

She is her own island
A porcelain memory with
tendrils twisting through the brutally
polite obsession of her few inhabitants
She fancies herself abandoned-laughable!
Doomed daffodils embroider themselves into her hair and
frame her cold hands, pale arms
(mortared, mistranslated) scars
fingernails like moons slaughter foreigners
and petrify
the flea ridden.

your eyes quietly invade mine
i defensively avert my eyes, only to be disarmed by your smile
i laugh in spite of myself
for there is no place that you cautiously inhabit
that is safe for me to look upon

in my observations of you
i notice the way they look at you

they
these others

those who, were it not for you, i would crave for myself

the ones with soft hair cascading down their sharp shoulders
the ones with soft mouths veiling their sharp teeth

their shining eyes trace a path for their gentle hands to follow
their clever lips curl at the corners when yours do

the boldest of them touches you, something i could never do,
and the mark where she touches you sears into my vision like spite

while the lukewarm fingers of jealousy encircle my throat
i know there is nothing i can do

i can only watch them watch you
and watch you
and want you

rip down the curtain that obscures my line of sight
give my eyes time to adjust once you turn off the light
let your your hands cool the fire in my face
take my hand and get me out of this place
let's get in your truck and drive to the sea
let me get lost in you, and you in me
let your fingers make patterns down to the base of my spine
let me be yours; i'll let you be mine
let's go into the water, so cold that we freeze
and when your hands are numb we'll dry off in the breeze
more importantly, just kiss me; i know that you can
i know that you would, if i was a man

when she lays claim to you
(as only she can-
quickly, quietly, and through you)
she approaches me as an afterthought,
as if the damage done can be repaired
by this self satisfactory spewage,

as if the rising rage can be appeased
by convenient confession,

as if that would make me not want to knock the simpering smile from her ******* face,

as if.

looking at you is my least favorite game.
you smile and nod in my direction and i wonder if you can hear my chest cave in like a condemned house every time i hear you laugh.

was this expected? yes.
but it still aches nonetheless.

You don't realize how important someone is
Until you can never hear his smile again
Until you can reach through the space he has left
In your chest
That emptiness
That's where he was
That's what you're missing
You don't understand how much you love someone
Until you can't tell him anymore
Until no matter how loudly you scream it
He just won't hear you
For tonight and tomorrow and forever
He sleeps peacefully
While you toss and turn in tears
Why
why
why

It gets better
he said soothingly
And he wasn't the first to say it
nor-I think-will he be the last
but it was the first time
I believed it if only for a moment
Take your time, he assured me
And in a world of
rush rush rush
Those words alone made sense to me
and as we stood and smiled I felt hope flicker to life
at least for a moment

Every step is heavy
Her legs are made of lead
Her eyes are cast down, weary
of the shadows in her head

*high school student killed in car accident...

almost two weeks have passed since you did
i think about the night that fell upon you rabid and hungry
and i know that for me, it is yet dusk

i saw a woman the other day
whose wild strawberry blond hair reminded me of yours
my speech stammered to a halt
my eyes glazed over and were cast down

almost six months have passed since you did
i think of the night that fell upon you
hungry and rabid
and i know that for me it is yet dusk

i can't decide which is worse

the silence, or the tears that crackle in your throat when you tell me that i hurt you

that roaring silence, or the tears that hollow out your mouth when you tell me that you're sorry

the deafening silence, or the tears that coat your tongue when you tell me you'll be okay

parked outside my house at sunset, you stare out ahead
squinting at the empty street, your eyes are shining

now the sun is behind the mountains and i remember that i've never seen you cry

I see red
Of course she is red

                                                                A fire I do not dare to grasp
                                                                But oh, do I dream

Not mine
Of course not mine

                                                                This much is customary
                                                                 I'm used to that

Beautiful, and full of joy
                                                                It's always this way
                                                                Why is it always this way?
                                                                She must not know
                                                                I have to tell her
                                                                But do I?
That sweetness
I will never have

It's not worth it
This front flip
You're safe
You're talking
I am miles awake
Curbing habits
You're safe
You are
I know this as sober
I know this guitar hero
Earth ****** flat
A song controls my
Life I am
Pulling this
Family apart

she says that you gave me to her
that you placed me in her life
did you do that to **** with me too?

she says that she thanks you every day
and prays that i'd let you in
how can i?

if what she says is true
if you made all this happen
how dare you?

why would you let me grasp at joy
then rip it out of my hands
over and over again?

this unfathomable loneliness
this empty rage
are you making this happen?

and if it's true
if there's a reason you bring me back here
why?

i want answers
and you are silent
why do you speak to her and not to me?

have you chosen her for some higher purpose
and am i somehow doomed
never to find salvation?

am i not worthy of hearing your voice?
was i born ******?
answer me!

last night in my dreams i went to a bar

in the void

it was all darkness

dimly lit

there was an over-sized jukebox making otherworldly sounds in

what looked like a round corner

while the space felt crowded, it was almost deserted, almost empty

except for

the promise of wakeful suffering

the past's burn of *****

dinner, unsettled but unmoved

and an empty bag of fancy chocolate

to keep me company

long dead gods sometimes showed their faces and were unrecognized

i never drank a thing

i wasn't thirsty

but i sat at the bar, staring at everything but the jukebox

an empty, chipped glass in my hands

an empty, chipped smile on my face

I told him things I would never tell anyone else
I come down and realize what I've done
And I am not ashamed
My eyes refocus
The words are still there

He said it over and over again
And he told me to say it
And I did
And I said it again

I came down and the ashes were still there
staring at me from last night
And I'm still shaken from last night
My fingers fly as they flew last night

He's not meant to make me feel like this
No one can know he makes me feel like this

i keep thinking that if i cut away enough layers of skin
i will reveal the one that has you hidden underneath and
scrub you out

it is a foolish notion
a false ambition
but one that i cannot seem to shake
one that, like you, i have been unable to sear
from my mind and from my heart

i am told that in time you will pass
but it takes seven years to shed my skin
and you have burrowed deep

i do not have that kind of time, i fear
and the longer you stay here
the deeper my discomfort

You can't see them
but I can
They're everywhere
Your fingers just traced eight of them
Unnoticed by you
but not me
I count them every day
even though
you can't see them

last night, for what may have been the first time in what felt like centuries of me loving you,
i felt, in the base of my brain, barely perceptible but there nonetheless,
doubt.

it's presence alone would not have been as alarming if it had not been for you.
doubt, fear, rage have no place in the home we may never build
but love to dream about when we feel the most alone.

and yet there it was now.
and i sat there feeling doubt slowly spreading like cancer along my brainstem, and i wondered
how long it had been there but dormant.
how long it had been there waiting for the correct catalyst.

i wondered if i still knew every layer of you.
i wondered if i still had you memorized or if all i have learned is a lie.

would you ever lie to me again?
how would i know if you had?
why am i even asking myself these things?

in my mind's eye i crawled into your mouth,
searching inside of you for any trace of deception,
forcing myself to look,
and hating myself for looking.

when i awoke this morning, my hands were empty, and i do not know whether that was good news.
frankly, i am afraid to ask.

there once was a happy family that lived in a cottage at the end of a long and winding road.

once a week, in the morning, the mother walked down to the town square to trade at the market. sometimes she brought the children along, if they promised to be on their best behavior; they always crossed their hearts and hoped to die.

every week the last stop they made was at the butcher's shop. the butcher was well known in this town and several towns surrounding it. everyone came to them for their meat, which was prepared and wrapped right in front of you.

the best part was their price: all they asked was that you watch as they carved slices of flesh from their own body with expert precision.

i found you in the ocean
                                                                                   your eyes treading water
                                                                                       your hair lost gold
swimming out to sea
                                                                                        turning back once
                                                                                        to beckon me onward
i swam until my arms were too tired to move and
when i looked back i could no longer see the shore
                                                                                         you were waiting
and you broke me apart with your words
i nodded
breathless from the wound and exhaustion
my head turning toward the sky
and slipping below the waves
i watched the creatures of the deep glide by
seeing clearer than ever before
you put me together with your lips
and met me at the ocean floor

bubbling, boiling, the ****** acid sizzles
my insides like water hissing as it turns to steam
helpless against the fury of a forest fire
it chars my throat,
tears springing to my eyes

i can taste the salt on my face
but all i see is red

mirthless laughter echoes
the way black coal smoke billows
from the smoke stacks of my
lungs

the searing heat of hatred
irritates the skin on my wrists
i scratch and scratch and scratch
until the skin is raw
until the skin is broken
until the skin hangs off the bone
i feel nothing but the rage

giving me strength
giving me focus
giving me calm

the lava rises, shrieking,
into my eyes,
pouring from my ears and nostrils,
seethes between my clenched teeth and sealed lips

my breathing
even, deep,
matches the rumble of the cracking earth

and from its core more fire comes
evaporating the tears on my cheeks
the blood on my arms
the rain from the very sky

i remember the very first time
you told me you loved me
it was too warm a night
and i could smell your sweat
under the scent of your clothes
a perfume or even a cologne

i didn't expect those three words
i just didn't see them form
i wanted to watch your mouth
but i was in your arms
and didn't feel your heart beating
empty words or ones with meaning

I love I love I love

It courses thorough me faster
Than a pulse
My default hunger
Surges
A calm hot force rocks me.
We swing through the hours
Feeling weighed down by green gelatin
But breathing is the easiest thing
In the world now
No pain, never
Only peace and the tide and the fire blooming
I can't grasp loneliness
I'm friends with myself now
And I'll curl up tonight and I won't feel alone
And I'll be just fine
I'll topple into sleep and
Wake without wisps of dreams clinging to my fingers
It's mystorical!
There's no earth to crash into so I'll fall as fast as I please
And there's no fear
And there's
no pain, never
Only peace and the tide and the fire blossoming

come dawn
i am still awake
the fan and open windows
do nothing to cool my burning body

the summer sun set many hours ago
but the heat remains
sweat pools in my hands
and falls from my face
onto my sheets, leaving ghosts of stains

last night
we sat on the steps by the dumpsters and talked about how we couldn't remember what it was like to feel safe in our own homes

last week
we drank hot coffee on a 97 degree day and talked about how hard it was to talk to others and how easy it was to talk to each other

last month
i wasn't thinking about you like this

come sunrise
i am still awake