My shortcomings aren't what sends me over the edge
It's knowing that I am not and never will be good enough
It's the torture and taunting that my own mind creates
It's the fear and worry over this feeling of impending doom
It's the snide glance they give me that creates a "down the lane" ****
It's trying your hardest and it not ever being enough
It's the feeling of failure
But mostly, it's knowing that all these things aren't true and feeling them anyway

Your heart is going to love who it loves
And your mind isn't going to be able to tell it not to
I don't know why you're so judgemental
When you yourself are always saying "only God can judge you"

But, you're right about that.

If he's up there, he's the only one that can judge us
If he's up there, he's the only one that's seen it all
If he's up there, he's the only one who knows our hearts
If he's up there, he's the only one who can soften our fall

So shake your hypocritical hips at someone else's party
Because I'm just trying to have a good time
I'm smart and I'm capable and I can think for myself
And the only opinion that matters is mine

They say "when you know, you know"
And they're absolutely right
There's no grey area or blurred lines
There's only black and white

There's no ifs ands or buts
There's no uncertainty or fear
There's just that feeling in your gut
And you must listen when it appears

I'm not just talking about love
This applies to most things in life-
No matter what your head is thinking,
Your heart is usually right

It wasn't your first time around
And I know this has to be true
Because you always seemed like an old soul
While I stumbled around clumsily, brand new

I'm still stuck here for a reason
And although God plucked you from this earth,
I have to believe that it was your season
And that I am bound for rebirth

It seems that you were born into perfection
And though younger, much wiser than I
Your time on earth was shorter
But just as much, though truly much more, worthwhile

I wish, so much, that it had been your first time on earth
And I wish that I had more to offer you
I wish that we could have had more time
But it's clear that you accomplished everything that you came here to do

I hope that heaven is beautiful
And that one of God's angels was there to catch you when you fell
I know that you're having the time of your many lifetimes
Because, even after only 17 years, my soul knows yours too well

I used to be afraid to inhale
But I've been to hell and back
I still don't think I've sinned enough
But I understand, now, why people smoke their lungs black.

Everyone's got their poison,
And we each have to choose
Based on what has shaped us
Whether it's ***, cigarettes, drugs, or *****.

It's not up to me to judge you
We're all just doing our best to get by
At the end of the day, whatever the vice
We're all just wandering through life high.

When we were younger
We made our parents
Shut the closet doors
Check under the bed
Tuck us in at night
In an attempt to ward away the monsters
Some of us weren't so lucky
We escaped them in the dark
But they captured us in our dreams

Now that we're older
The monsters are demons
They hide in the dusty corners of our brains
If we're lucky, and they're not bolder than we are, they stay hidden during the day
But at night they roam free
They torture us with
Regrets that we have
Mistakes we have made
And images of those that we miss
Sleep is our only escape
But some of us aren't so lucky
We escaped them in the dark
But they captured us in our dreams

I have nightmares that I can't wake up from
They leave me sobbing, hyperventilating, feeling numb
Sometimes you're in them, other times not
But you're never not there because I forgot
I think, at times, it might be easier if I could forget
If I could pretend that you were someone that I never met
But I can't do that.
So I just try to think about good things
And I try to believe that you're somewhere good
And even though I'm living in this nightmare that I can't wake up from
God, I really wish I could

How could you really be gone?
And how is this fair at all?
Seems like the days just continue dragging on
But I can't seem to understand the fall

I mean, YOU FELL?

How could you have fallen???
How did no one hear you yell?
You didn't die from old age,
You didn't die from being unwell

You died???
Someone tell me, how could you be dead?
My mouth can't say the words out loud
It's hard to think them in my head

You're not here anymore?
You're really not coming back?
I'm shaking as I type the words
But it's true, you've faded into black

We never turn the light off
It's like we're expecting you to walk in the door any minute
You won't.
But somehow it helps
If we turn it off,
We would have to accept that you're really gone
We can't.
So we don't
Hope is found where the light is
Even though there is no hope,
Even though we've put you to rest,
Even though you aren't coming back,
We're all just looking for something to hold onto
It's false hope
I know.
But it's all we've got

I noticed you were getting upset
Because your face was redder than a tomato
When you told me about that little girl
About what her brother did to her
Across the street
In the backyard shed
He was a teenager
But she was only six years old
You said:
I was really young and I didn't know what to do
I just walked away
I wonder who she is now...
Where she is now...
If she's anywhere at all
I wonder if I had said something...
That's when you started to get really choked up
There was a long pause
So long that I almost didn't think you were going to finish your thought
But you managed to get it out
You said, "I wonder if it would have made a difference"

That made me think about that day again
The worst day
The day he died
I saw him, and I walked right past
I got that tugging feeling but I ignored it
I just walked away
I wonder who he would have been today...
Where he is now...
If he's anywhere at all...
And everyday I wonder
I wonder if I had said something...
If it would have made a difference

She could see that he wanted to cry
She noticed the familiar look in his eye
But he willed his eyes not to leak
He busied his hands
And he made noises- as if to speak
In a futile attempt to regain control over his emotions
As if the single tear rolling down his cheek-
The expression of all the worries
And troubling thoughts
That continue to weigh down his heavy heart-
Will make him less of a man in his daughter's eyes
She can roll her eyes all day
She can scream and shout
She can groan and complain forever about
How he's overbearing
How he embarrasses her
And how he just doesn't understand
But every time she sees him
Sitting across from her
With watery, red rimmed eyes and a tight throat
She is reminded
That he and she are made up of the same stuff
That he loves her more than anything in this world
And that he is the sole reason for her existence

My mother asked me what was wrong
I didn't tell her that my bones ached
Or that my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest
I didn't tell her that it hurt to move
Or that it took all of my energy to even open my mouth to reply
I told her that I was sick
She assumed that I was talking about my body