Tonight, as I lay in bed, thoughts playing old memories on rewind - stop & pause at the good moments, fast forward through all the bad - my brows begin to furrow as I ask myself... what if? What if I would’ve decided to go a different college? What if I actually changed my major when I realized I would never be a striving politician? What if I would have not lived for others and lived for myself?

Well, here’s the beautiful thing about what ifs: it’s not the life you’re meant to live. If I didn’t study what I did I never would have met my husband. If I never met my husband I never would have realized I wanted to become a nurse. If I never lived these moments, I never would have found my true destiny. I can’t say I’m happy that it took me so long to find my purpose in life, but when I reflect on my life I now realize the mindset I needed to get to where I am today and not where it was 5 years ago. Unfortunately, life doesn’t wait for you to catch up. Thankfully, I have someone who undoubtedly believes in my abilities to succeed.

Regardless of how long it took to figure out or how long it takes for me to get to where I’m meant to be, I’m proud of the woman I’ve become and am still becoming.

There’s a ghost that haunts these parts
he lingers on these pages
full of words, such fanciful words,
that my eyes, my mouth, my heart
still get lost in.

There’s a poet who once wrote
such vivid words about our past
that romanticized our togetherness
and gave it an eternity in the abyss of the internet
so I can relive those soul-crushing movie script endings.

There’s a boy who once said
he loved me more than anyone in this world
that he’d do anything for me,
that somehow, some way we’d find each other again
and pick up like no time or distance had come between us.

But that boy turned into a man, a brave man
just as I turned into a woman, a fearless woman
learning that even best friends, best lovers
come and go, and they might never
come back.  

Some days, I’m sad it’s not you who I wake up next to in the morning.

Most days, I just miss having my best friend.

Until the day when I meet you at the bus stop,
the same one I dropped you off at some weeks ago,
when I get to stand on my tiptoes to kiss your smoke-scarred lips,
as you have to slouch to envelope
every inch of yourself around me,
keeping me safe, keeping me warm,
I will close my eyes and play back
that night where I sat in
the passengers seat, staring out
my dust covered window
trying to hide the tears
streaming down my face,
because we promised each other
we’d stay strong,
no I miss you’s, no please hurry home.

Until the night when I get to make you your favorite dinner
- rosemary steak and garlic potatoes -
and we get to sit at our dining table,
laughing over wine and memories,
I’ll begin to forget the loneliness I felt when you left,
because I knew you’d come back.
We made a promise to ourselves,
and timing is not always the best,
but in our selflessness we find strength.
I know this is the best thing for us,
for our future, so that our life together
can finally begin,
but the days feel like months,
and the weeks, years,
and this time alone is killing me.
You made me feel alive,
please come back home.

In this moment I pray:
For peace
For strength
For life to slow down
to speed up
To give me all the things I want
To take away all the things that break me
To end my rollercoaster emotions
up and down
side-to-side
happy and sad

In this moment I beg:
To be successful
to feel proud of the strides I've made
to not feel like a failure
that I will be nobody forever
that I will be stuck in the same place
for the rest of my life
For the day I will see the light
and I will trust my feet to take me where I need to be
to appreciate all that I have
and to stop comparing myself to others

And in this moment I hope:**
That I will continue to fight for my life
That I will get better one day
That I'll no longer be sick and scared
That I will find what I'm meant to do
That God actually does have a plan for me
and I just need to be patient and have faith
That healing will take place
And that there will be a day
That I will no longer feel this pain
That it will be replaced with joy.

Every time you say that
you're not worth it
remember the times
you felt something so
strong and moving
that you couldn't contain
yourself. Please harness that
for those moments are fleeting,
forever slipping through
the slits of your fingertips
and eventually vanish from
your memory. Let it engulf you,
contain every bit of you that
one day you'll believe that
life is something to cherish
for you are privileged with only
one.

Although you hide your love
I can feel the admiration
you have for me
in the way you moan in my ear
and whisper sweet nothings
as if you were loving me
even if it were just for the night.

It's like you never left,
the way the air still smells
of that cheap dollar store cologne
and of stale Marlboros and whiskey.

Your phantom hands ran through my hair
and ghostly lips sunk into my neck
and I could not help to think I heard you say
"oh honey, oh, how I've missed you."

But all the while my eyes were closed
I hadn't realized something:
that the window lay cracked wide open
and the wind blew out the candle flame.

So, you've taken what's mine,
left a wound in my side,
and now I must find
what the purpose was this whole time
because this cut won't heal
and my heart will bleed
searching for answers
far too few and none plenty
but I will never let you see the struggle
that has left me bruised and broken
for I am a much better person
sobered and steady
and glowing with pride.

Let me taste your lips
and the softness of your skin
as day turns to night.

I saw you for what you're worth, yet all you could see was the darkness that never left from your mistakes.

We spent our days engrossed in emotion that only loved ones could obtain, yet we never gave a name to what was created in our own special way.

I can't stand the thought
of you with someone else
because though you're not mine
at least not really,
they get to have what I want
and that's you, all to myself
with nothing else in between
except thin linen sheets
and raw skin.

I can't help but be selfish.

I watch as the white lights shine on
down that freeway, flying by exit signs
with no sense of direction
except on the way to you
and a smile that could light up a room
and eyes as endless as the sea
and with arms stretched wide
just waiting, waiting for me.

One day I hope that
you will see me as
someone to love
rather than
someone to shelter.

She wants to see the naked parts of your soul,
the places where nobody roams.
There must be something there
that keeps such a precious heart beating.

"Just let me in," she says
as her head rested on his chest
for she longed for quite some time
to know why he guarded his heart so.

Not a moment went by where she lacked hope
that one day this brown-eyed boy would let her in
all she needed was the patience,
the patience before he'd give in.

I wanted to destroy something beautiful
so I could see what keeps it alive inside
but then I realized that something was me and you
and there was no way of knowing
the ins and outs that made us glow
from the innermost parts of our being
however it was already too late
when I let the hammer drop
that cracked the canvas in two
and I fell to the floor and wept
for I knew that the only thing
that was once beautiful
could not be repaired
was now nothing more
than a torn and tattered
mural of what love should be.

I could feel ribs break
from inside my heaving chest
as you kissed her lips.

You stabbed me with words
that cut like a knife
all the way to the bone
and with all of the blood
that pooled at my side
you only made it worse
when you tracked it up
my snow white eyelet dress
that I wore when we first met
you know, that night by the lake
with nothing but a blanket,
the stars and the sky
and although you're standing here now
as if you couldn't care at all
I let a smile catch my lip
knowing that even then
and even now
I love you at your darkest
and because of this
the darkness took me too.

But before you go I just want you to know
that you have caused me to love you so
that nothing will ever compare to what we were,
not even the stars, nor the moon,
nor the roar of a waxing shoreline
for I have known no greater feeling than
the warm embrace after a long drive home,
or our interlocked eyes as we stare in silence,
or the time I caught you crack a smile
when the snow fell from the roof onto my eyebrow.
Sadly, I've learned, that these moments must come to an end
and when you finally realize that time is now
you'll find a tear running down your cheek
and words caught within your throat
and with all the strength you can grasp
you must walk out the front door.

Don't **** with the ones
whose dreams are so high
that skyscrapers can't meet the tops
of the possibilities that float in the sky
or the hopes that lay at their feet
so easy to grasp that
all they need is just a little push
and then a running start
and the courage to set sail
on a path into the unknown.

For hours upon hours
I sit on a flimsy, old chair
amongst a large gathering of people
too engrossed in their troubles to notice
that the hours feel like days and days
of loneliness, trapped inside these walls
looking out to see that no one has a care
for the things I feel inside
day in and day out
365 days of the year.

I think I'm dying.
There's a pain in my chest
and my hands shake like crazy
and all that plays in my head
is the way you kissed me on my forehead
and said, "I'm so, so sorry."

I feel so pathetic
because I know it's over
but you still bring me to my knees
and I still beg for you to stay.
But nothing keeps you in my arms
and there's gotta be a way I can deal with that.

Sometimes you need to learn
that moving on is painful
and moving on is hard
but moving on is needed
when you have nowhere else to turn and
no one else to rely on.

I said to her bleakly,
"Honey, there's no space for you anymore."
She collapsed my cabinets of memories
locked in my mind
and made a mess out of the images
that once stole my heart
and the tears drowned out
every last bit of emptiness I had inside me
so I had to say goodbye,
so long,
and thanks for dying for me.

You never told me why and I didn't care. I just wanted you gone.

The only things guaranteed in life are
the fall of the sun and rise of the moon
and even sometimes that is questioned.

You ripped my soul right
from my lonely, hollowed chest
yet gave nothing in return.

The goodness that I once saw inside you keeps drifting farther away and I cannot grasp it. You're falling through my fingertips, I'm losing faith in what we have. I don't know what you're doing right or what I'm doing wrong but I can swear to you that I will not give up my chances to make you work in my life. You brought happiness to it once, you brought excitement to it as well and I'd like to think I did the same for you. Oh, how I wish we could talk like we once did with your "hello miss" and my "good night sir." But now it's like ripping nails from a piece of plywood except they're flattened into your hands forbidding you to type and send me a simple hello. That's all I ask for to help cure my insanity. I don't want to hover or mislead or make you feel obligated. I just want us to be us again; the fun-loving, carefree, get-caught-by-the-cops-making-out us we once were. Please do that for me.

You can stay
if you want to
(I'd very much like it if you would)
no one's asking you to leave
but if you do decide
that we are no long we
please do it with ease
for my heart has seen
pain and sorrow
far too many times
that it hurts so much
to invest what's left
of my bruised and battered
heart.

Love matters 'cause if
the world tried to live without
life would lack meaning.

She had this sense of fluency, that she moved through stages with ease. All that she did, it seemed easy. But in all honesty she struggled, just like every other ******* person on this Earth but she never let it get to her because she knew she'd crumble away. She feared losing herself to things like love and lust and fate. She saw how others drowned in feelings too strong to overcome. She shielded herself for many years, guarding her heart and hiding. Until she met this gentleman so calm, composed, residing. She, with hesitation, gave this one man a chance for she saw nothing but goodness inside the depths of his blue eyes. And so she did and regretted nothing and feared no longer of what the future had in store for she learned she had more control than any of the Gods combined to mark her own destiny one step at a time.

I can feel your delicate hands
slide up and down my spine
just the way I like.

You kiss my neck
and **** on my ear
waiting until I give in a little.

I pull at your hip
and grind while you moan
I'm just so **** happy that you're home.

You lay me on my back
and take off my shirt
and I finally see that smile and I no longer hurt.

The ones who say
they can live on their own
are liars.

Those who say
that love doesn't matter
are liars.

I say this with the intention
that one cannot live without
that one cannot find from anything else;

the conversation with others
or a simple graze of the hand
or a kiss every once in a while.

You'll always need someone
there for you, for any reason
even as miniscule as a "hello".

You make me insane
just by the sound of your voice
when you say my name.

It's a tragedy that
it has taken me
all this time
to realize what love is --
what touching palm to palm
and caressing cheeks
and softly kissing lips
and your hands on my bare skin --
and the power it had
to win me over like that.

I stared into your eyes;
so captivating, so gentle.
You gave me that signal
as you pulled at my ribs
and brought me in closer
to you and
I couldn’t help myself
I caved
I sunk into you like
waves crashing over me
and I wanted nothing more
than to drown in your skin.

You came into my life
at an unexpected time
in the most unusual way
yet everything about you
seemed to fit with ease
like the way you smiled
with your teeth or
how you place your hand
against my cheek
or how with the uttermost perfection
you fit into the crease of my neck
with such grace and such love
and all I can ask if you'd like to
stay.

My inspiration
lacks due to the absence of
your chest against mine.

If all that separates me from you
is just the sky and sea
I would learn how to both swim
and fly and breathe underwater
all so the miles grew into feet
and then to inches
and then to the palms of your hands.

Spirit, lead me where my faith is without borders,
let me walk across the marshland, desert, or sea
because I call upon Your name, everyday,
my heart rests in Your embrace
and I know You won't let my feet
sink beneath me.

Somehow I must learn
to forgive myself for all
the choices I can't make.

I'm sure I'll miss
the long twilight walks
and the ol' diner dashes
and the way your hair fell into your eyes
but there will be others
and there will be moments
just like these
with another someone.

So I don't know if I'll ever get over you,
but I sure as hell am going to try.

Around this same time
every night
sadness sweeps in
through the cracked,
swaying window
and overcomes me
with chills and tears
that not even an empty bed
can keep me warm
and it's all because
you used up the last bit
of happiness I had left
inside me.

How dare you treat me
like a petal on a flower
that lays there begging for your light
and cannot live in your shade
and once the seasons change
as if you're changing your mind
I fall to the ground
with the tears that fall from the sky?

The calm --
it sweeps through my arms
and grazes my hair
as it washes over
my scarred, battered skin.

It speaks --
it tells me of all the sorrows I've suffered
in my ear,
where I cannot help but overhear
the words that should soothe but do not.

Its touch --
so cold, so ice cold
that my shivers are uncontrollable
and I cannot hide, or speak, or think
because the silent noise overwhelms every inch of me.

I’ve been missing you to death, but I just hope you’re still breathing.

My body is the
temple where both love and hate
reside in turmoil.

I read your poem almost every night
with the tears that dormented themselves
for years and years.
I hate sometimes that I miss you so
but you were my first love and my best friend.
I detest the circumstances we have in our lives.
I can't take the empty spaces where you should be
in my heart, the place you left so long ago.
And I don't know why I'm not satisfied with
your answers, with you telling me we're friends again.
Maybe I'm just paranoid that you'll leave again
and that scares the hell out of me.
Please stay for good this time.
No matter the distance because one day
we'll have our moments again.
I just know it.

2:48 am -
I am wide awake
with nothing on my mind
but begging for the sleep
that won't hold memories
of you.

3:16 am -
The cold side of my pillow
is no longer soothing
and my memories
have turned into nightmares
that I can't escape.

4:32 am -
I beg the stars that
I can get a decent night's sleep
one without you in it
one without the perpetual
pain of losing you.

I wrote you a letter
with tears and spilled ink
saying how I felt
writing all my fears;
that piece of parchment
holds all my secrets
it knows all my hiding places
and I was willing to show you
in hopes that you'd stay.