Questions carry in the wind
asking for a simple explanation
for what's holding me down.
I don't have one.
How do I tell them
that I've lost all motivation,
that I don't feel anything anymore,
that I'm just numb,
that scars line my arms,
that I'm desperate to feel anything
even if it's pain?
How do I explain
that in a room full of people
I still feel alone,
that a friendly face
no longer feels friendly,
that I'm alone on a boat
drifting through an endless sea?
How do I say to them
that everything has lost meaning,
that there isn't a shred of joy in me,
that everything I do feels mundane,
that I'm on autopilot,
that I'm just going through the motions?
How do I face my little sister
and say to her
that I want to leave her behind,
that she'll be on her own,
that she won't be able to come to me,
that she'll no longer have me
to comfort her,
that I won't be there?
How do I look my mother in the eye
and tell her that the child she brought
into this world is desperate for a
way out of it?
Questions carry on the wind
asking for a simple explanation
for what's holding me down.
7/17/18