I write my twos differently now

And sometimes my sevens
I always thought I could use better handwriting

I like the page to look neat, put together
But as you can see my letters loop and swivel
Inconsistent

Can you really tell something about someone by the way their scratch looks on paper?

Can you tell I can't think of much to say?

I almost feel numb to the idea of this being real
I've watched for many years as boys hand me flowers, kiss my cheek, and give me an apologetic smile before they dash out the door, leaving all of their guilt and regret behind along with me

So it's hard now to see things the way I've always used to
I feel like there's a mask over all of the feelings I have ever felt for you
A mask that even I cannot see behind

I should feel excited, overwhelmingly happy, intrigued, and a little afraid but the only times I ever feel anything it is when I'm with you

When you hand is laced with mine or your lips pressed to my forehead

and in these moments with you, I know that when you leave
And leave you will, I will have a hard time looking forward

My perfectly crafted page will appear messy once again and the letters will continue to loop and swivel just like they always have

I just hope that my twos and sevens remain the same

I've grown quite fond of them

It has been two months since you've answered my messages

I stare at your name in my phone like how I stare at the test when I don’t know the answer

I should know the right reason,
If I was only paying attention
Maybe I’d know why you’re not here instead of wishing that answer choice D read none of the above or the question itself didn’t even exist

Because understanding why the person you loved left is not something teachers can teach you
It is not something you can study for

And in the summer you promised me I wouldn’t have to face a question like that–
You told me you weren’t leaving, we were in this together

I built up the courage to call you again yesterday

Ring, ring, ring, ring

Voicemail

But that’s okay because I talked about how on weekend mornings the sun shines through my blinds and each ray reminds me of your laugh

I talked about the boy who called me stupid for loving someone who never called me back but I don’t think he understands that not getting a response from you gives me a reason to keep calling

I wanna tell you about how the chocolate milk in my fridge reminds me of you and I want you to hear about the wrestler in my school that could be your twin and how every time we cross paths I stare at him because maybe if I look long enough, look hard enough, I’ll be able to see the reflection of my flaws that made you leave in his eyes

But simply, I want you to know that in each waking moment, in each step I take on this world
There is not a time that’ll go by when I’m not thinking of you

Maybe it's the way the birds chirp outside my window in the early hours of the morning or how the sun shines through my curtains that reminds me of how you stopped at nothing to see my smile again and I lay here on a Sunday morning thinking about how the universe never stops and maybe you had more to say but never got the chance because humanity is not infinite.

Maybe it's the chilly breeze and melted popsicle on my hand on the hot, summer afternoon that reminds me of each unfortunate situation you made easier and people think I'm crying over the sticky mess on my fingers but really it's just you and how this reminded me of each loving promise you spoke that I thought would stick more permanently than a summer treat.

Maybe it's when the sun sets and the colors remind me of the bruises you told me about that I realize everything about you contained an overwhelming amount of beauty that took my breath away and while I sit here, perched atop a hill to watch the sky change from blue to pink to lavender, I think about how science says that the further we get away from the sun, the harder it is for us to live and I wonder if science says that about us too.

What I'm trying to say is that the world is full of love and beauty and it makes sense to me now why people say that the one they love is their world.

It's been about a year later since I've had your lips pressed to mine but I can't get over the nostalgia

Maybe it was how your hair always seemed tangled in our kisses or how soft and plush and pink your lips were

And hey, maybe it's just this head cold but I can almost feel you on top of my and I can't breathe, can't think

All I can do is mourn my loss and call it quits

Girls like you don't come around too often and maybe some people say I'm wasting my time on you but I can't think of anyone I'd rather think about

Take me to a place where the sun never stops shining
Where peace is infinite and happiness is forever

Take me to a place where everything feels warm and the days run long as to never interrupt our adventure

Take me to a place where there are flower fields,
Where the sunflowers stand 12 feet tall and we can get lost in the rows
Where all  I can see are big, yellow beauties and the bright blue sky and your deep eyes that I can get lost in as well

Take me to a place where we can be together for forever and for always

Take me to a place where our love never ceases nor dwindles
Where my lonely nights won't exist and all I'll be able to feel is you

The man of my dreams is tall and strong
He'll have oceans for eyes and a heart of fire
He is gentle and kind and passionate and won't settle for anything less

The man of my dreams has galaxies made of thoughts and ideas like the stars and when a supernova comes along all he will show it is love

The man of my dreams will love me when it rains
And love me harder when it pours

He will touch me delicately but fiercely and I hope to never know anything else

I want to feel not the heat from his lips but the heat from his heart
I want it to radiate through our home, out to the world, and back again
I want to feel him so deeply that I forget how shallowly I was loved before

And as the man of my dreams I can only hope that when he looks at me he sees the woman of his

As the daylight radiates through the window, I peer out
There is something musical about fall

The bare branches dance in the breeze and the clouds sway in the distance
The few leaves that are left shimmy until they cannot hold on any longer and leap gracefully to the ground

If you open the window and listen, you can hear the wind make the leaves crinkle and crunch

The mornings get quieter, the days get shorter, and the nights get darker and everything seems to settle for the upcoming winter

Lady bugs and beetles flutter their way into the warmly lit homes
The geese group together and sing in the sky was they head south

Nothing is quite as mystical and magical as a fall day.

Once upon a time I believed in a God that wanted nothing but the best for me

I believed in an extraterrestrial being that wanted to hold me up and say "I have a plan for you, sweet child."

But when I was 16 I almost killed myself by crashing into a tree because I felt so unworthy, so unloved that I couldn't possibly bare one more day

I was let down so many times, lied to infinitely, and finally after 7 months of prayer with no response I said '**** it' and let go of the imaginary man that was supposed to have my back

One of these days you'll be cozied up in bed, big blankets enveloping you as the heat from your coffee cup warms your fingers and makes your nose run.

And one of these days you'll look over, the sun peeking through the window making you squint and you'll see your lover in their most peaceful state, hair awry and a spot of drool on the once clean pillow case and you'll wonder how you ever got this lucky.

One of these days you and your lover will slowly make your way to the kitchen and while you get the pan, they'll get the ingredients.

And as you wisk away at the pancake batter they'll turn on the radio and urge you to sing along to some bubblegum pop song about love written by someone who has never really experienced it.

And you'll laugh, setting aside the unprepared breakfast and grab their hands, romantically slow dancing with them on your cold kitchen floor in nothing but undergarments and big t-shirts.

One of these days everything will fall into place and every night you'll come home to the love of your life and talk about your day and how it would've been better with them by your side.

One of these days you'll spend the night in, building a small blanket fort around the TV in your living room.

And you'll watch your favorite movie but it'll be a good thing you've seen it a hundred times because you won't really be paying attention.

And one of these days as the movie nears the end and tears ***** your eyes because the guy never got the girl, your lover will kiss you gently, then passionately and sooner or later you'll both be tangled between the sheets and they'll be kissing every inch of you, loving every piece of you without hesitation.

One of these days the mornings won't seem so cold, the sky won't seem so gray, and the nights won't seem so lonely.

And one of these days at 2am you'll think about how you almost didn't stick around but then your lover will pull you closer in their arms as they sleep and you'll think about how you sure are glad that you did.

I laid here last year in this very bed with these very sheets and I could feel my throat closing around everything I've ever wanted to say

I could feel the heat on my cheeks, radiating from inside and pressing out to the surface, trying to warn others that there was a deep, burning hell within my mind

This time last year I sat in the shower, the steam and water acting as a thunderstorm and fog

My vision was blurry and all I could see was a drop of blood trickle down my wrist and the shower floor tint pink

I laid here last year with the thoughts of black roses and a scythe waiting to pull me through the loop that played in my head

Now I lay here this year, in this very bed with these very sheets and all I can see are colored flowers and warm faces and nights filled with so much love I never deemed possible

I can feel my body tire, not of life but of the day and I can feel my stomach flutter at the thought of a future

And just last year I could've sworn nothing would make me feel as much as those blades but nothing quite feels as good as loving and living your life

I am a ship
Waiting to sink; I am a soldier
Waiting for the inevitable battle

I am standing in an empty ocean waiting for a wave to crash over me and I think about you and how familiar this feels.

How I waited and waited; I waited so long for you to come back but you didn’t

Leaving me stranded on a deserted island
I am the sand, falling through a lonely lover’s fingertips
Or am I the lonely lover?

I didn’t know when to stop searching for you; for a sign that you’d one day reappear amiss the war cries and tell me how badly of a mistake you made

Because I had fallen victim to your cruel fantasies and became engrossed in a love that never existed.

I would stare at the clock, tick-tock, watching the seconds crawl by and wonder how long I’d have to wait before you’d tell me you’re sorry.

Even after everything that you did to me, I still hoped that maybe you loved me and didn’t quite know what to say.

It took me many months to understand that this was no riotous romance, it was an abusive affiliation that was one part love and another part fraudulence and oh, there are days I wish you were here but the desire for your false love does not outweigh the fact that you left me alone, with no where to go, thinking about all the ways I could have ****** up to make you leave forever.

If I could have you back I’d love to say yes, but I promised myself that the answer would be no.