how many times
did you come back?

how many times
did i believe you?

how many times
did i lose my mind
trying to understand yours?

how many times
did you take back your words?

how many times
did i break down?

how many times
did you tear us apart?

how many times
did i let the cycle repeat?

I'm not sure
but i know
it was too many to count

my mom isn't like other moms but she was once like other children

i like to imagine her:
laughing with friends,
begging to go shopping,
doing homework,
dancing at sleepovers,
braiding her hair,
fixing her lipgloss,
gossiping with her best friend,
falling asleep in class,
painting her nails

i think of her happy
a little more like me

i like to ignore how
she was bad at giving hugs because of how bony she was,
she couldn't take me to the park because she was too weak,
she was always covered in bruises,
she couldn't buy new clothes because we were poor,
she couldn't stay awake during a movie,
she had pill bottles scattered around her room.

i wonder how she imagined her own life as a child.
three kids, an abusive boyfriend, no money, and addicted to drugs?
probably something a little more brighter.

she once told me
she wished she was strong enough to be the right kind of mother

i don't remember when my body became something i noticed
checking my reflection daily,
stopping at every mirror

i recognize things i haven't before:
my thighs touch
there are small dips in my hips
new stretch marks
never-seen-before freckles
a soft jawline
widows peak from my dad

something new every day

when i was young i only cared about my hair
i would tell people i would never ever cut it so i could look like Rapunzel

eight years later
and i'm taking notice of how long it has grown
since i cut myself

you taught me love is soft

you showed me it doesn't have to be
thorns,
tears,
secrets,
lies,
constantly being terrified

i don't have to worry,
i'm in good hands
i'm loved and you stay
instead of being pushed away

i know i'm safe
even when you sigh
you won't leave,
i know what's on your mind

you taught me love is soft
i hope i can do the same
rest assured
I'm in it for the long game

i keep forgetting you're not like the rest
i do all my betting on if  you'll be the best

you won't bite,
yet i still hide.
we work  out our fight
i try to see your side

i'm not your secret
you won't try to keep it
you love me freely
and want people to see it

i won't scare you away
even when i try
you promise that you'll stay
i'll love you until i die

i stand very still
wait for you to leave
you won't take the ****
what a pet peeve

i wait for the words
i know i'm too much.
one stone kills two birds,
something or such

walk away
i won't be mad
what do i say?
"it was nice what we had"

i'd do it for you
but you won't let me try
i'll break us in two
i hope we get by

don't clear your cards,
you have the perfect hand.
seven of hearts,
slipped through like sand

i stand on the line,
i'm all torn.
i tell you i'm fine,
we can't be reborn

"you can't just leave me"
i want to say.
it's not meant to be,
maybe another day

you cleared your cards,
lost the bet
aimed you darts
you get what you get

i'm your best friend
of course i'm important to you

you called me
after
the first four people that came to mind weren't available.
i was honored to be considered

i was the
one
person to not know about the party.
it's fine, i had more fun looking at the pictures

i was the
last
one to hear the news; it happened two weeks ago.
you were just busy, it slipped your mind


you're my best friend
of course you're important to me

i have a free weekend; i call you
first
to see if you're busy.
you are

i suggest watching my favorite movie; you've already seen it with
someone else.
we don't watch it

i race to the phone to tell
you
the latest gossip.
someone already told you.


of course we're best friends

you know me; everyone knows me
i am the
social,
friendly,
well-known girl.
i am friends with everyone,
i compliment every girl i see,
i smile at everyone i make eye contact with.
i am always
smiling,
laughing,
talking,
dancing.
i live to make others laugh
i worry for everyone else's safety before i think about mine
i am in every friend group
i know every person in the halls
i deflect and laugh when people ask about me
i am always the first to reach out
i smile when i am angry
i laugh when i am sad
i am the ******* sun when i am happy

but i am also the girl who cries because she doesn't have any real friends
i starve and enjoy feeling hungry
i binge and stick my fingers down my throat
i stare in the mirror for too long and try everything to fix myself
i look at every girl in the lunch line and take note of:
what i should and shouldn't have
what i need to change and keep
i brush my hair obsessively
i look in every single reflection
i go to sleep late and wake up the same way
i smile when it is the last thing i want to do
i laugh even though i am revolted by the sound
i drink water like it is the new Coke
i chew gum until the flavor is long gone
i obsess over anything i can because i live off of distractions
******* in my stomach is muscle memory and
"i'm great, how are you?"
is my catchphrase

do you really know me?

the moon shines on me as i sleep
i feel so loved
i am someone you keep

the wind blows through my hair
i feel so safe
knowing you and that you care

the flowers bloom their colors
i feel so happy
you and me, for all-time lovers

the sun warms my face
i feel so calm
you leave me in such a lovely haze

we are the prey of beauty standards

we are eaten whole by the edited pictures and meticulous videos
we are tricked by diet culture and eating disorders
we are swallowed into the stomachs of comparison and insecurity
we are trapped by the constant change of trends and perfect bodies

we are killed by made-up predators

i'm always a secret
but not the kind that's kept

my name is only said
in whispers,
private moments,
and in your head

i'm only looked at
from across the room,
passing in the halls,
and when i'm pretty like the moon

it's all the same,
people are shocked i know your name

i'm here for you when you need it,
when its convenient

i don't dare wave or say hi
i'll cave before i say goodbye

we've gone through more,
we've been here before

it's not anything new,
it's just me and you

you're right in front of me
but we're miles apart
stare in your face
while you tear at my heart

mutual assured destruction
we're both ****** up
you can't even function

i say i love you
do i mean it?
you say it back
have you ever seen it?

mutual assured destruction
we're in it for the fun
i don't really care
just hand me the gun

you've been with me since day one
you've been my hope of finding the sun

you were my person before i knew your name
now I need you to keep me sane

your words were written on my heart when i was born
I pray they never become a language that is foreign

your touch has always been on my skin
how could this be a sin?

you had my first day
and you will have my last
i just hope to God
our days won't pass

i watched my mom get hit
day after day
and never throw one fit

that was my idea of love:
be blind to the pain
just to keep sane

so when i was ignored
it hit like a kiss
to hear so many lies
felt like pure bliss

when i finally walked away,
the last time they grabbed my arm,
leaving the safe pain,
felt like self-harm

after finding the one,
i finally grew
that idea of love
i no longer know

i'll love like a dog,
stick by your side.
don't mind the self-sabotage,
sometimes i bite.

i'll run away
then whine when i'm alone,
come back soon one day,
tail between my legs, i'm back home

don't take me back
i don't deserve it
shine the things i lack
i'm the worst, i'll only curve it

break all the furniture, rip all your pillows
i try to be good
i can't be like I should
i'm not very mellow