i'm so tired
of hurting people

i'm so tired
of hurting myself

i'm so tired
of my own thoughts

i'm so tired
of myself

i'm so tired
of others

i'm so tired
of missing someone who doesn't think about me

i'm so tired
of my family

i'm so tired
of school

i'm so tired
of winter

i'm so tired
of sitting in my room

i'm so tired
of having no energy

i'm so tired
of being alone

i'm so tired
of eating

i'm so tired
of looking at myself

i'm so tired
of my body

i'm so tired
of taking care of myself

i'm so tired
of waiting for a sign

i'm so tired
of living

i think i was supposed to be a bird
the way i hate winter
and the cold weather always seems to get to me
i would love to migrate somewhere warmer
somewhere my seasonal depression would never get to me

i think i was supposed to be a bird
the way i always flee from things
and leave things that are good for me
i would love to be able to run away from my problems
run away from people that love me and never look back

i think i was supposed to be a bird
the way i long for family
and raise kids
i would love to make a family that is better than the one i was raised in
to make a home full of love

i think i was supposed to be a bird
the way i wish i was a part of a flock
and have people to count on
i would love to have a group that always gets along
always there for each other

i wish i was bird

i wrote you a letter
right before winter break
i swear i planned on giving it to you
but then you weren't there

maybe i'll give it to you
maybe on your birthday
or maybe on the last day of school
possibly when we graduate
or i might find you when we're older and email it to you

or maybe i won't
maybe i'll let it sit in my nightstand dresser
and i'll probably rewrite a million times
it'll always be in my bag waiting for you
and when i move out i'll throw it in a box
maybe when i'm married i'll find it and finally throw it away

i want to write
i want to fill this empty page with brilliant words
i want to blow people away with my witty metaphors and symbolism
but i cant seem to get it out

trust me I have so much to say
too many thoughts
so many unfinished poems
I mean i probably have about 50 drafts
just sitting,
unfinished,
unpolished,
unperfect
it's either too wordy or not wordy enough,
too meticulous or not meticulous enough,
doesn't rhyme at all or doesn't rhyme the way i want it to

i want to be good like all the others i see on here
but i just cant seem to measure up

sometimes i miss you
and then i can't think why
i remember the way we'd always fight
and how much i'd always cry

i remind myself of your arrogance
and how stupid i'd feel around you
i think of your stubbornness
and how it'd put me in a bad mood

your weird ******* fashion
and no common sense
it all left me
so so tense

but of course i can't bring myself to think of all the good

like how you'd smile when i'd talk
and remember all my small things
when you'd always bring me food
and hold my hand when we'd walk

i don't dare think of your sweet letters
or the loving look you reserved for me
your soft lips
or your hugs that'd immediately make me feel better

maybe i can think of some reasons to miss you
but i don't want to think about that
cause you'd say you'd always love me
but i guess that's not true

what do you see while you're building a completely new future
with no trace of me
with her?

do you see lazy college days
and dancing late at night?

do you see a new apartment
and 2 golden retrievers?

do you see proposing in a park
and crying at your wedding?

do you see buying a house
and having children?

do you see parenting
and traveling?

do you see peace
and growing old together?

do you see me
standing in the corner
watching you live the future
that you pinky promised me?

i look at you and i see nothing
i don't see the person i would've last year

i don't see the hands
that held mine to let me know you loved me even when you couldn't say it

i don't see the eyes
i once said were my favorite color

i don't see the lips
used to speak the sweetest words and light a fire in me

i don't see the arms
that once held me to keep me safe and warm

i don't see the person
that was mine

you are a stranger
and while i thought it would never happen
maybe it is for the better

they ask me what makes me think of you
and i can't really say because
rain makes me miss you
and books do too
i miss you when i'm writing
and when i'm crying
benson boone
dark blue
the shining moon
all make me think of you
reading gives me that feeling
and so does that sweater
so i guess there's no healing
guess you're stuck with me forever

i've never really felt my age
so sometimes its hard for me to act it

at 7 i felt 30
having to take care of my mom
her two other kids
her ****** apartment
her own problems
i didn't go to sleepovers or birthday parties
i didn't play with chalk or jump rope
i was scared

at 10 i felt 5
having to relearn my family
new nice house
new strict parents
new hated rules
i didn't have my mom or my siblings
i didn't have to yell or fight to be heard
i was shocked

at 13 i felt 20
having to become a teenager
fun fake friends
fun new phone
fun first heartbreak
i didn't stay at home or deny friends
i didn't focus on school or myself
i was naive

at 15 i feel 9
having to learn i know nothing
big scary job
big new state tests
big unknown car
i don't eat or sleep much
i don't waste time or effort
i am anxious

i know it will only get worse form here

maybe i'll mail the relationship back to you
because now that i'm left with the memories
i realize it's too much for me to keep

so instead of letting us collect dust
in the depths of my closet
or hidden under my bed
i'll find a box wrapped in pink gift wrap
pull us out of my heart and mind
carefully place us with tissue paper and slap on a fragile warning
i'll write your name and address on the top
in my handwriting that you memorized
and just because i'm selfish
i will douse it in my perfume and seal it with a kiss

i send with love and care
it should be there by tuesday
i hope it finds you as well as found me

best wishes, amelie

i want to say that this feeling is new
but frankly i haven't felt like yours
not in awhile
so that's not true

all the breaking up made me so numb
but this last time was different
not the same
stuck out like a sore thumb

weird to say its officially the end
but you'll never completely leave
not fully
just enough for me to mend

i tell all my friends, they're not very shocked
but i cant blame them
not new news
we were so on and off

now you're another just another blocked out person
but at night you come freely to me
not a second thought
its you i sadly see

i don't think you'll ever leave me
you'll always be there
like a ghost in my life
or shampoo in my hair

i feel your cold presence
when i step in that room
i hear your eerie voice
when i smell that perfume

my friends write it off
as me going crazy
but they don't hear your voice ring,
calling me baby

i thought ghosts were a con
still have your ring tired to my finger
can't stop my life but can't move on
not now, not when you still linger

i love things so tenderly, so rough
i love things until they fall apart
until they're broken
until they've had enough

maybe that's what happened with you
i shoved and shook
bit and bruised
pushed my power till you were black and blue

did i break your heart?
well here's the cure:
don't look back
be for sure

there's no promised peace
for you being with me
receiving my love
it's no ease

run away now
i'll give you the chance
you won't want my love
i cant see how

ever since the last goodbye
life has been less enjoyable

i don't laugh on rollercoasters
i don't sing in the shower
i don't smile at sunsets
i don't write more than an hour

i'm not interested in new movies
i'm not invested in books
i'm not so passionate about music
i'm not caring of my looks

i won't leave my bed
i won't eat three meals
i won't change my clothes
i won't take my pills

i can't dance with aubrey
i can't joke with my dad
i can't play with my nephew
i can't do anything and not be sad

ever since the last goodbye
all i can say
is that the sun dimmed without the moon
what a sad day

i don't remember when my body became something i didn't want to notice
unable to tear my eyes from the mirror,
wanting to break it

i recognize every little change:
bony collarbones
dark bags under my eyes
noticeable rib bones
never-fit-before clothing sizes
hollowed out cheeks
tighter skin
smaller arms

something new everyday

when i was in middle school i loved food
i couldn't understand how people could just not eat

three years later
and i'm taking notice of how much weight i've lost
since I started skipping meals

you whisper my name
and it starts raining
all my thoughts are tame
your face is a painting

the smell of my favorite flower
your name is my definition of love
the laugh of a love song, light shower
you're the softest bird, a dove

you're the number seven
and the color pink
you're my heaven
my missing link

my favorite ring
and the sweater i always wear to sleep
you're all the smiles I keep
all the perfect things

it's coming back
i don't even try to hide it
my energy is at lack
i don't even try to fight it

it's the same old same old
yet I never expect it
"you seem fine" i'm always told
my brain is so hectic

back to my old way
a few burns here
I miss my good days
a couple cuts there

counting the pills
until i fall asleep
calculate what'll take the ****
32? i'm in too deep

will this time be the end?
i honestly hope so
can't survive this again
i can barely say no

it's been great for so long
nothing could ever be bad
i always sing this song
nothing could ever make me sad

the hurt is so far away
almost like it was never here
"i'm on top of the world" i say
i'll never shed another tear

i go to sleep all happy
without a worry
i wake up all sappy
of course it's in a hurry

how long will this time last?
it's all black and gray
i thought it was in the past
it's a never-ending pay

turns out it was always there
distractions just pushed it aside
don't know how much longer i can bear
i just want this monster to die

i'm starving
literally

the bell rings
its lunchtime
my mind dings as i get in line

i see a skinny girl
without a tray
i guess shes right
no food today

i'll wait for dinner
i count it all in meals
if its more than one
then i'm breaking my deal

in my mind
it always repeats
"i can be pretty, i just can't eat"

someone calls my name
i wonder what they see
do i still look the same?
do i still look like me?

it's a new summer but i'm still stuck on the last
what i would or wouldn't do just to go back

i was a different kind of happy
one that could only be found with you
i don't mean to sound sappy
but do you miss it too?

i got so used to my moon
it became something i couldn't sleep without
now i'm stuck here in the same room
all alone in this house

sometimes i walk in
and i still feel it
us always talkin'
time won't ever heal it

can't spray that perfume
or play that song
smells so much like you
it's been too long

how many times
did you come back?

how many times
did i believe you?

how many times
did i lose my mind
trying to understand yours?

how many times
did you take back your words?

how many times
did i break down?

how many times
did you tear us apart?

how many times
did i let the cycle repeat?

I'm not sure
but i know
it was too many to count

my mom isn't like other moms but she was once like other children

i like to imagine her:
laughing with friends,
begging to go shopping,
doing homework,
dancing at sleepovers,
braiding her hair,
fixing her lipgloss,
gossiping with her best friend,
falling asleep in class,
painting her nails

i think of her happy
a little more like me

i like to ignore how
she was bad at giving hugs because of how bony she was,
she couldn't take me to the park because she was too weak,
she was always covered in bruises,
she couldn't buy new clothes because we were poor,
she couldn't stay awake during a movie,
she had pill bottles scattered around her room.

i wonder how she imagined her own life as a child.
three kids, an abusive boyfriend, no money, and addicted to drugs?
probably something a little more brighter.

she once told me
she wished she was strong enough to be the right kind of mother

i don't remember when my body became something i noticed
checking my reflection daily,
stopping at every mirror

i recognize things i haven't before:
my thighs touch
there are small dips in my hips
new stretch marks
never-seen-before freckles
a soft jawline
widows peak from my dad

something new every day

when i was young i only cared about my hair
i would tell people i would never ever cut it so i could look like Rapunzel

eight years later
and i'm taking notice of how long it has grown
since i cut myself

you taught me love is soft

you showed me it doesn't have to be
thorns,
tears,
secrets,
lies,
constantly being terrified

i don't have to worry,
i'm in good hands
i'm loved and you stay
instead of being pushed away

i know i'm safe
even when you sigh
you won't leave,
i know what's on your mind

you taught me love is soft
i hope i can do the same
rest assured
I'm in it for the long game

i keep forgetting you're not like the rest
i do all my betting on if  you'll be the best

you won't bite,
yet i still hide.
we work  out our fight
i try to see your side

i'm not your secret
you won't try to keep it
you love me freely
and want people to see it

i won't scare you away
even when i try
you promise that you'll stay
i'll love you until i die

i stand very still
wait for you to leave
you won't take the ****
what a pet peeve

i wait for the words
i know i'm too much.
one stone kills two birds,
something or such

walk away
i won't be mad
what do i say?
"it was nice what we had"

i'd do it for you
but you won't let me try
i'll break us in two
i hope we get by

don't clear your cards,
you have the perfect hand.
seven of hearts,
slipped through like sand

i stand on the line,
i'm all torn.
i tell you i'm fine,
we can't be reborn

"you can't just leave me"
i want to say.
it's not meant to be,
maybe another day

you cleared your cards,
lost the bet
aimed you darts
you get what you get

i'm your best friend
of course i'm important to you

you called me
after
the first four people that came to mind weren't available.
i was honored to be considered

i was the
one
person to not know about the party.
it's fine, i had more fun looking at the pictures

i was the
last
one to hear the news; it happened two weeks ago.
you were just busy, it slipped your mind


you're my best friend
of course you're important to me

i have a free weekend; i call you
first
to see if you're busy.
you are

i suggest watching my favorite movie; you've already seen it with
someone else.
we don't watch it

i race to the phone to tell
you
the latest gossip.
someone already told you.


of course we're best friends

you know me; everyone knows me
i am the
social,
friendly,
well-known girl.
i am friends with everyone,
i compliment every girl i see,
i smile at everyone i make eye contact with.
i am always
smiling,
laughing,
talking,
dancing.
i live to make others laugh
i worry for everyone else's safety before i think about mine
i am in every friend group
i know every person in the halls
i deflect and laugh when people ask about me
i am always the first to reach out
i smile when i am angry
i laugh when i am sad
i am the ******* sun when i am happy

but i am also the girl who cries because she doesn't have any real friends
i starve and enjoy feeling hungry
i binge and stick my fingers down my throat
i stare in the mirror for too long and try everything to fix myself
i look at every girl in the lunch line and take note of:
what i should and shouldn't have
what i need to change and keep
i brush my hair obsessively
i look in every single reflection
i go to sleep late and wake up the same way
i smile when it is the last thing i want to do
i laugh even though i am revolted by the sound
i drink water like it is the new Coke
i chew gum until the flavor is long gone
i obsess over anything i can because i live off of distractions
******* in my stomach is muscle memory and
"i'm great, how are you?"
is my catchphrase

do you really know me?

the moon shines on me as i sleep
i feel so loved
i am someone you keep

the wind blows through my hair
i feel so safe
knowing you and that you care

the flowers bloom their colors
i feel so happy
you and me, for all-time lovers

the sun warms my face
i feel so calm
you leave me in such a lovely haze

we are the prey of beauty standards

we are eaten whole by the edited pictures and meticulous videos
we are tricked by diet culture and eating disorders
we are swallowed into the stomachs of comparison and insecurity
we are trapped by the constant change of trends and perfect bodies

we are killed by made-up predators

i'm always a secret
but not the kind that's kept

my name is only said
in whispers,
private moments,
and in your head

i'm only looked at
from across the room,
passing in the halls,
and when i'm pretty like the moon

it's all the same,
people are shocked i know your name

i'm here for you when you need it,
when its convenient

i don't dare wave or say hi
i'll cave before i say goodbye

we've gone through more,
we've been here before

it's not anything new,
it's just me and you

you're right in front of me
but we're miles apart
stare in your face
while you tear at my heart

mutual assured destruction
we're both ****** up
you can't even function

i say i love you
do i mean it?
you say it back
have you ever seen it?

mutual assured destruction
we're in it for the fun
i don't really care
just hand me the gun

you've been with me since day one
you've been my hope of finding the sun

you were my person before i knew your name
now I need you to keep me sane

your words were written on my heart when i was born
I pray they never become a language that is foreign

your touch has always been on my skin
how could this be a sin?

you had my first day
and you will have my last
i just hope to God
our days won't pass

i watched my mom get hit
day after day
and never throw one fit

that was my idea of love:
be blind to the pain
just to keep sane

so when i was ignored
it hit like a kiss
to hear so many lies
felt like pure bliss

when i finally walked away,
the last time they grabbed my arm,
leaving the safe pain,
felt like self-harm

after finding the one,
i finally grew
that idea of love
i no longer know

i'll love like a dog,
stick by your side.
don't mind the self-sabotage,
sometimes i bite.

i'll run away
then whine when i'm alone,
come back soon one day,
tail between my legs, i'm back home

don't take me back
i don't deserve it
shine the things i lack
i'm the worst, i'll only curve it

break all the furniture, rip all your pillows
i try to be good
i can't be like I should
i'm not very mellow