there is a sacred place
that lives in every single
one of us.

i suspect it to be
the very place
Beethoven's music
came from.

and when we have
a late night conversation
in your bathtub
over a bottle of wine
you take me there.


-- Eleanor

Consciously unconscious.
Thinking about everything.
Thinking about nothing.

words are my weapon of choice
but you're a man of action
and i think we're constantly
trying to impress each other
with things that impress ourselves

if this is what emotions are
hot water pounding down on my skin
the taste of stale alcohol trying to create some essence
of numbness
the words of music so loud in an attempt to drown out
the ache that my heart brings with each beat
I don’t want it
I don’t want any part of it

your love letters used to make me feel
love
and then hate
but now
they are just words on paper
and all they make me feel is
free.

One day,
I'll look back at you,
And wonder why I have to look back.

I write the best at night when I can't sleep
the IV is dressed like stability,
heart like an addict but could never commit.
unhealthy habits I never wanted to quit
I didn't look sick.

when the memories are lucid and loud
your words come alive in nightmares,
nurses rush to check I'm not climbing out the fire escape again
easier to jump out than to let anyone in

so used to leaving in a panic I never learned to use the door,
I still feel the burn of your hand on my cheek and the cool of the floor


I write the best at night when I can't sleep
the IV is dressed like stability,
heart like an addict but could never commit.
unhealthy habits I never wanted to quit
I didn't look sick.

I took classes about drugs
what could happen if we tried them
All the street names and side effects,
prison times and famous users
but we never learned what to do when the drug had
brown hair and blue eyes and held your hand in the back of a cruiser

I didn't look sick,
I climbed out the fire escape quick
for one last hit because you asked me to and I didn't think twice about it

I am fifteen years old
he’s been touching me like this for years
but I’m beginning to doubt I’ll ever be used to it
every time the door opens, my room starts to spin like a carousel
the possibility of his hands on my waist
again
will always make my stomach sick
he went from a brother to a predator so slowly
that I almost didn’t notice
instead, I noticed my own deterioration
I blamed myself
he’ll never know that he ruined me

I am twelve years old
a boy sitting across from me on my school bus
with hair the color of the sun
decides to move next to me
he presses his sweaty body against mine
my face is against the window
I can’t breathe
his lips move to my ear
his breath surrounds me and suffocates me
it smells like death and fear
I would cringe away
but I have nowhere to go

I am ten years old
despite the warmth of my parents’ room, I am shivering like crazy
he pulls me under his warm comforter
but I am far from comfort
his breath smells of alcohol as he whispers “don’t worry”
“I’m not going to touch you”
yet my heart has not slowed
and my shivering has not stopped
his lips press to mine and they taste like poison
his hands move my own across his large body
my head is spinning
I need to get out of here

I am eight years old
we are watching tv on the couch together
all my other brothers have gone to bed
but we were always the night owls of the family
his hands snake up my legs
they burn like flames
I push them away
as he tries to push them under my shorts
but he never gives up
no matter how many times I tell him no
even after years
of pushing him away

I am five years old
the boy who lives next door wants to play
together
we go into the bushes behind his house
my heart races with excitement
but
when he asks me to show him what’s under my skirt
it drops with fear
I want to cry
he tells me that if I say no he’ll send me home
we will never play together again
I run home in tears

I am two years old
as my mother is treating my diaper rash
she tells me to never let anyone else
see what’s under my nightgown
I am confused
I could never see how that could become an issue
or a challenge
little did I know that
by being a girl
I had been set up for a lifetime of danger