It's 11:42 pm and I have to be up at 8am. That's 9 hours from now and I don't think that's enough time for my mind to rest. My mind is never at rest and I don't know why that is. It's a consent thing that keep thinking and moving and playing with my body and I kinda don't like it. If I could sit and pull each and every piece of faded red hair out if my head id rather do that then think for 9 hours and 15 mins.  Id rather drown myself then think about every mistake that I have made and every countless thing that made me who I am today. being alive is just a chore I don't want anymore. I'm so sick of wanting everything to be okay and perfect when life never has been. It never will be and I'm not okay with that. I don't want more, I want nothing. I want my mind to stop telling me that everything is wrong and your not here for me. I can never get the words out and I can't play this game of not knowing everything is fine. Everything is not fine and I'm a mess and I can't understand why you are still here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be me. Everything comes to me at once and I don't know how to deal with it without cutting away or sounding like a teenage girl who just started highschool. I'm afraid to jump without understanding what I would be leaving be hide. Am I leaving anything be hide? Am I just a space that you found? Am I your whole heart or just the empty space no one ever filled?

I promise you the fight with yourself does not last forever.

Can someone be broken to the point that they can't let anyone in? Like I am literary so tried of trying to be happy days on end. faking being alright and smiling to people I don't even know. it's not that I don't want to be happy it's that I physically can't. When something good happens to me I don't get happy or feel from it anymore. I feel like I'm that type of person thats only is okay when bad things happen and that's all I know. id rather be lonely then be  happy with someone. I'd rather hurt then feel good. That's such a bad thing. I wish I never met you. I really think all this is because of you. I never really loved anyone like I loved you. And I let you in more then I ever let anyone in. I told you more things then I told my own family. At one point you were the only person I wanted to talk to. I don't understand why you have such a hook on me it's drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes? All the time. Sometimes I wanna call you and just talk to you like we would at 3 am just because. Just because I wanted to hear your voice. I don't know why you didn't want me anymore. I guess I was old news to you? I still think about you all the time. It's so funny how only one boy could change someone forever. It's not my fault that I'm so ******* because of the way you treated me. The way you made me fall over and over and over again the way your eyes made my whole day. I don't think i told you how much I loved your eyes. Or that your smile could make me feel all werid inside. I don't think told you that I loved sleeping with you that you twitched a little when you slept and it was adorable. I don't think i told you that I liked how you held my hand all night when we were sleeping. How you told me my bed is to
Small for two people and I had to sleep really close to you. That all I could hear was your heartbeat all night. How all we would play was yellowcard as we were kissing. I think you knew that was are band cause everytime you came over that's all you would play. You would play it on shuffle all day. I still can't listen to them without crying. I never told you that diving up to see you was the most nervous and best car drive I ever had. And even though we only had that hour together and it was amazing. I never told you that you are the most hardest relationship I had to pretend that I can be fine without. I never told you that you are perfect in every way and I'm sorry that I wasn't. That you needed more then me that you needed attention that your dad is not the best dad and he's why you are the way you are now. I'm sorry that you told me to promise you that I would never cut again and I did and you were disappointed in me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are all I write about. You know that I never mean to but when I think about writing your all I think about. I'm sorry that I didn't see you as much as I wanted too. A hour and a half away is such a long walk and if I could
Of walked to you, you know I would of. Glad that you got that car cause when you came over was the best days ever. They still are. I think I'll miss you forever and I'm sorry about that. I dont think
I'll ever love like I loved you. I still love you. You never forget your frist love and you were my frist. I didnt just love you I was in love with you. I wanted so much with you and I know you did too at one point. I know me and you had hard times but you knew that I tried so hard to help you change. You need to change and you knew it and you even told me that you need help. You know I'm crazy for you right? Being with you for a year and 4 months changed me so much. I'm not the same person I was. And I don't understand why. I'm very unhappy. I'm rumbling on at 2:46am in the morning about you again. I really should go to
Sleep. I need you. You never really feel complete without the person who used To be the reason why you woke up in the morning to see that text message. I remember that one time I got really drunk and you told my friend to watch me cause you didn't want me to get hurt cause you cared so much about me. Why did that go? We weren't even dating then. We weren't even dating when you when in my bed at 3am telling me you loved me. It's 2:51 am and I think I should go to sleep. We haven't talked for 3 months and this is the longest we haven't talked. You once told me that you couldn't go a day without talking to me. What happen to that? I remember the frist time I saw you cry. You cried in my bed because you were upset with the way things where going on in your life. How are you? Are you happy? Is your life the way you wanted it to be? You said move on where do I go? Whenever I tired to move on there you were. You always knew I would always choose you. It's funny cause you said you didn't care what I do and when I found someone you came right back and told me to stay with you. That you
Needed me. I needed you. How can you tell
Me that I was all you ever wanted and never wanted anyone esle but not talk to me for 3 months? I'm scared to talk to you so I'm not going to. Are you scared to talk to me? Please don't. Cause I honestly can't have you back even though I do. I remember when you asked me to marry you that one time on Skype. I didn't think
You were being serious. I remember one new years we talked about having kids and what we would named them when we had them. I said I liked Zachary cause I loved your name and you wanted your uncles name and I was okay with that. I remember everything every conversation we had together. I remember are frist ever conversation. The one that started all of this beautiful relationship. It's 3:01am and I should go to sleep. I still talk to her. I still
Am friends with her. The girl you cheated on me with. You competely stop talking to her right after I found out. I feel like I'm making no sense and this isn't even a poem. I just been so sad today and I
Don't know why. When I was sad I would talk to you and you would make me happy again. I don't know why no one esle can. I remember the time I
Had a scare that time in August. I wouldnt of mind. Having a little you. I was okay with it. I'm sorry. I think I'll always say that I'm sorry when
It comes to you cause your all I ever wanted and I'm sorry I couldn't of made you stay. I tired my
Hardest. I remember the time when we broke up for good. I went in to work a hour later and I
Couldnt help crying and I couldn't stop. I had to sit in the office for a while cause it was so bad. Embarrassing. Really embarrassing actually. It's 3:08 am and I have a headache so I think
I'm going to go to bed.

As I lay to sleep
I wake up to the thought of him
Why must I think about him before every dream
And wake up to the thought of he's smile
He's not even mine anymore
Was he ever mine?
Laying awake at 338Am I should be thinking about important things
School, work new love the future
But no
It's always about you
Funny thing is
I know at 339 am
You aren't dreaming or thinking
About little old me

What is love?
I think I know what love is
I felt it for a boy
A cold hearted boy
Who didn't know what love was
How does one know their in love?
Does it come to them when their holding them?
Does it come when their fighting and holding back tears?
If love is such a powerful and beaufuil thing
How can you lie about love
"I love you"
People make such a big deal about those 3 little words
That sentence of lies
I know what love is
Cause I felt it
For a cold hearted boy
Who didn't know what love was

If staring at the way he sleeps and knowing his movements make me in love, we'll then darling I'm falling and I would like you not to catch me until I can't see light anymore and my skin and knees are broken and withered away.  I want to express all my love I have with a simple touch of of heaven to your heart. I want you're love to be like hell burning with passion towards me. don't you go and throw away what we built with a simple goodbye with your lips and green eyes turning into black with tears and fear drive away. Don't make me think my heart and ears will never love or hear your name again. Don't leave me and tell me you want forever when your forever was only yesterday, touch me with your mind body and soul and give me everything I need to feel at home when your leaving. Give me the love I need to feel my heart is in your hand and it will always be. Let me know that when you leave with my heart it will find a home in you and you will love and care for it as you do when I'm wrapped around you. Let me know you will protect it with your hands and that it will be safe and you will come home to me with mine and your heart together happy. Leaving for a year can change everything but it can change the right things.

When I lay in my bed
With this blanket
I think about the frist time
When we were  under it
Your touch your smell
Sometimes I just lay on it to remember what it was like to be with you again
Sometimes I feel like I'm forgetting your smell and I miss it
Sometimes I just touch those bracelets you gave me just so I have a piece of you in my hands
Sometimes I think how much you hurt me
And sometimes I wonder if you are okay
Cause I honestly feel like you aren't
And maybe that your hurting inside
And sometimes I think you want someone to save you but you don't know how to ask
I would of saved you
I would of took your heart and fixed every crack and brokenness you felt from your childhood
And maybe you would of been the great guy I honestly think you can be
Sometimes I think
God, its been almost 3 months without you
And I'm still here wondering
If you are
Okay.

Darling is it bad that I don't feel the sun anymore?
I'm afraid I've broken myself again.
Afraid that someday I'll lay down and feel the need not to push myself to wake up again.
Darling is it bad that I don't see the stars in the sky anymore?
The ones I use to lay in the grass and look up to.
The ones I use to make the same wish on every night they somehow disappeared and I can't seem to remember that wish.
Darling is it bad that sometimes I think the walls are screaming at me when I'm alone?
I don't do all that well in the quiet green room I have when no one is home.
Maybe that's why I found peace in a razor to block out the quiet
Darling is it okay to stop and not think for awhile?
Just lay in one spot and forget about it all?
Darling can I stop and think about you for a while?
I think your the only thing I like thinking about.
Being okay for a little feels good.
Feels like those walls can move and breathe around me.
Darling I'm afraid I'm not good enough anymore.
I can't fix myself like I have been trying too.
It's hard putting the pieces back together when I can't find them.
I would search my soul and my heart for these pieces that I lost but I get so tired, I gave up.
Darling is it wrong that I want to be prefect?
Prefect for you and myself so being alive doesn't have to be a chore anymore?
Darling. Don't leave.
I've already gaven up on myself that I can't have one more person write me off.
Darling would you be mad at me if I leave?
I would never leave you but if one day I disappear you can look up in the stars, that's were I'd be.
I've always found peace in stars.
Maybe I'll be one one day.
Maybe one day you will be looking up at one and it will be me.
Darling maybe you will remember the wish I always wished while looking up at me.

Can you give someone your whole body but still be afraid for them to touch you? If loving someone through thick and thin was true then why is that such a big deal? I'm sick and your helping. Your sick and I'm helping. I remember when the sun wasn't so bright when I looked at it. I haven't wrote in a while. Does that mean I'm happy? I only write when I'm unhappy. I'm sorry. Sometimes I'm not happy. What is happiness? Is happiness being with you? Is happiness when I see something or hear something I love? Is happiness just waking up in the morning alive and well? I think happiness is kinda crap. But I would say I'm content. I'm different then 2 years ago and I know that. I'm not better. Not worst. But different. Being happy is what I believe only children can be. Nobody's really happy. But content. Content with life. I'm not so scared anymore about being alone. It's not a fear I have anymore. Was it ever? I never was really alone other then lonely. But aren't we all lonely? Maybe. I don't mind being alone but Id rather be with you. Being with you is better then a lot of things. I don't think I ever wanted to touch someone as much as I love touching you. It's been 4 months since I've touch a blade and your really the only thing to thank for that. I think that's weird that your the only reason I won't touch one. Sure I would love to and honestly some nights I feel like I could and don't know why. Maybe I miss it. But I won't cause you would hate me. And I love you far to much. That's the past and I'm trying to keep it there. I'm trying to keep a lot of things in the past. The past is such a tricky thing. It can creep up on you and make you think of the stupidest smallest things. But they can hurt like hell. I try not to miss things from my past cause I can't go Back. So what's the point of missing things you can't have? And maybe I don't want them back cause they made me the person I am today and I don't like myself. I wish I was different though. Happier, pretty all that good stuff every 19 year old girl wants. I kinda hate getting told I'm pretty. And I kinda hate the fact that I still feel the need to be sad. I guess you can't change everything about yourself. I haven't cried in such a long time. I think it's okay to cry once and a while. Crying always helped. But I can't seem to cry and I'm okay with that. Crying is a sign that your body tried and can't be as strong as it think it is. And that's okay. You can't be strong everyday. Breaking down and crying is fine. I haven't been awake this late in such a long time. It's cause I have you holding me every night now. I really don't think a lot anymore at night and I'm okay with that. Night thoughts are the worst. Your far away from me tonight. But your right next to me. I can see the moon from my window and I love that. But lately I'd rather look at you.

No one ever told me about the feeling when someone falls out of love with you.
No one told me about the heart break after it all.
All these fairy tales and love movies never show you the real pain behide love.
Love is not a beautiful thing.
I would probably say I hate love.
Sadly but love never works out for me.
I'm always the one to love to much.
And get heart broken in the end.
I'm always the one who gets way to attached and when you leave me
I can't cope.
I replay every reason why you would leave me.
What did I do wrong?
Over thinking is one hell of a drug.
Cause it can destroy you.
It can tear you piece by piece
Until there's nothing left of you.    
I would love to see a fairy tale
That shows me the princess
Falling in love with the prince
Who didn't love her
Like she loved him
And her getting heart broken and maybe I'll understand love a little bit better
Then I do now.

Funny how people can be so fake
You learn to know the fake side of someone
And they make you believe their lies
Cold hearted lies
How can you live with yourself?
You are the worst kind of human
Disgusting
Ugly on the inside
Funny how I was a part of all it
How I never made you feel so worthless like you did with me
But I guess you and me are very two different kind of people

When I lay in bed at night and try to write you are the only thing that comes to my mind.
You push out every other single thought I have and your face pops into my mind.
Darling why?
Why do that to me, why are you gone and trying to get with my best friend after I told you I was in love with you forever and you said those same words oh not so long ago?
Cant I be good enough?
I want to be your everything but you want me to be your nothing.
I'm sorry I'm not pretty and I'm sorry I'm not a size two like her but
My love for you is as big as the moon and the sun and all the stars in the sky
But you don't care
All you wanted was to get in between me and I let you.
Now you gone. Gone forever.
Funny how forever can be used in so many different ways.

“Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
 A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
 or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye
Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor
Sometimes depression means 
That summoning the willpower 
To go downstairs and do the laundry
 is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week
Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body 
That it is capable of movement
Sometimes depression means
 Not being able to write for weeks 
Because the only words you have to offer the world 
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying
Sometimes depression means 
That every single bone in your body aches 
But you have to keep going through the motions
 beacuse  you are not allowed to call in to work depressed
Sometimes depression means
 ingnoring every phone call for an entire month
 because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore"

I find myself thinking about you all the time
Why can't I stop?
When I'm listening to are songs
When I'm sitting down watching tv
Your in my thoughts
But you've been gone for so long
Why can't I shake you?
Why can't you be like any old ex I've grown to forget
Maybe because I gave you so much of me I can't have back
God I want you
I want every little piece of your ******* up head
I just want to hold you again
Forever like you promised

How to let go of someone who dosent derseve you 
Step one, let your guard down let that person inside and show him everything. 
Step two, give him your heart and soul and everything you locked away from everyone and let them break you from inside out. 
Step three, dream about him every night even when you don't want to always dream. 
Step four, love him more then you love yourself Love him so much that you can't be away from him for more then a hour. 
Step five, make friends with all the people he used you for and all the girls that took your spot in his bed because maybe they need someone too and maybe there hurting like you are. 
Step six, don't let him see you cry and don't let him know you need him more then you need to breathe cause that's weakness and he will eat that up. 
Step seven, don't give him your body in the middle of the night just cause he's lonely, the girl that left that morning got the same treatment and sweetie you are better then that. 
Step eight, never tell him you love him again, remember what it feels like for those words to roll off your lips and sound so wonderful in your eyes and ears and him having no problem saying it right back with his fingers crossed be hide his back.
Step nine, once you said goodbye don't say hello again. he will always try and come back so you need to be strong and let that message box fill up with his apologizes and death threat notes and forget about him. Don't feel sorry Cause he's still here after every threat right? 
Step ten, look for the boy who seem to always be there but you never noticed cause you have had a dark cloud over you for so long. Notice him and let him in and don't think that you should ever go back to your past cause he's your future now. Know that just because you thought you were in love once and it will never be the same isn't true. 
Step eleven, be happy. Simple as that. Remember what it's like to smile again with someone. Someone who actually cares about you and someone who you derseve to be with cause life is short. why waste it with people who use there lips and charming words to get you and leave you alone cut head to toe with your own knive? 
Darling, I know it's scary letting go of someone you once called home but follow these step and one day you will
Be happier then ever cause you let go of that burning house and came into something new, a new home.

I was going to write a poem about you again
Crying
In my bed wrapped in a ball
Thinking about old stupid ****
That made me so worthless and powerless
Then I stopped
I think I don't care anymore
I mean I care
But I don't
About anything
About nothing at all
I'm worthless
I hate every single inch of myself
And I know I've been blaming you for me hating myself
And its mostly you
The mental part but
Half of its my fault
I hate everything about my 5'5 ,150 pound body
I hate looking at myself
I hate the way I made myself
I'm so unhappy
And I know I could wake up and say
Well, it's time to Change and change myself
But
I can't
I can't move I can't feel anything anymore
I'm only 19
19 years of a ******* wasted life
Allison who?
Killing myself should not be a thought
But every night
He's my best thought
This poem is terrible
This wasn't even a poem
I just have no one to talk to
So I write on a website
God if only I was brave enough
To lay at night
And just get it over with.

If you love me so
Please do not go
I need you here with me
So dear
Never leave, do you hear?

I want you to be happy
But you seem like you need new so badly
Leave but don't forget
To come back to me when you get what you need to succeed
So you can be the man you want to be

I love you so
So please darling, go
I need a smile they don't seem to come for a while
I will pretend you're only gone a mile
Even though you'll be farther then the stars

You always been the star
My hearts been looking for
We don't have to search anymore
So please go but keep your heart at my door

I want you here with me
I want you to be the moon
So I can see you everywhere
So when I look up I see you looking down on me
But that would only be at night
And I can't only have you every sunset
I want you to be the sun
shining down on me, brighting my day
But I wouldn't have you at night and baby that's when I need you the most
I want you to be a ghost
Haunt me, follow me around, watch me
But then I wouldn't be able to touch or feel you and darling I can't, I need that
I want you to be everything around me
I want to feel you in the wind
When the cold air hits my faces
I want to feel your arms around me
Blocking me from the chill
I want you to be the tears that fill my eyes when I'm having a bad night
I want to be able to touch you when ever I please not only at the night time when we can only be together
I feel as my heart is getting attached to something again and that feeling is scaring me
he left me cold and alone not knowing when to let go and break away
Not knowing if anyone could possibly try to save me from the cold
I'm not one to ever be saved or wanted
But darling you make me feel like I'm the only one
and I have never felt like that before to anyone
Don't leave, don't ever run cause I feel my heart would follow you and disappear forever
I only have half a heart and I'm given it to you
I'm letting my slowly beating heart in the hands of a boy who I need
I hope you need me too
I hope your heart feels the same as mine
Dose how it beats faster when I'm around you
How the smile comes back and wont leave until you leave
I wanna be a better person for you and for myself
Cause baby I have to say I hated myself till you came around
I hated myself to the point were breathing Hurts, it hurt to the point I wanted to make it stop.

If you don't think I care
I will have to explain the way I feel then. I only been in love once in my 19 years of living and it was heartbreaking and terrible. Ending with lonely nights and stained pillows. Stained red wrists and a hollow mind. Most of it was painful for me and not a happy love at all. It took a little to really think I loved him. Nearly 7 months until those words came out of my month.  Feelings and trust are hard for me because of that interesting cheating blue eyed boy. I think I knew I was falling out of love when I noticed you at first.  You were funny and different per say. I actually liked going into work 10 mins early just to try and say hi. I never knew that saying hi to someone could feel like getting shot and falling for 50 feet. I think the first time I actually felt something for you was when you came over and we talked for 10 mins.  Not anything specials but I wanted more. I think the last time he cheated on me the day after he was at my house and I gave him everything I had to stay with me was the day I turned away and stopped trying so hard. "You can't do that anymore. Move on. Don't keep running back to a ***** piece of crap that you don't deserve." I had to replay that over and over again. Enough to make me think I was better off trying with someone who I didn't even know then trying with someone who I knew more then anyone.  If letting go let me find happiness then I'm okay with knowing your not okay. I'm okay. I'm more then okay. I feel like I'm smiling more then I have in a year. I feel like I could be content with what I have with him for a pretty long time. I feel that I need to unbreak you into believing I really do love you. If I have to be strong for both of us then I will be. I wish I could push and hide everyone away that hurt you all these years to make you believe you are a amazing guy and that I'm lucky you left at the time you so I didn't have to search for you. I'm glad I heard you were leaving cause I would of never knew if I didn't take those guest service hours. Why would you think I would leave when I tried so hard to get you to notice me? I didn't make myself up on the days you were there just to look good for myself. Im not going anywhere and I really wish you would know that. I'm not some girl who takes what she thinks she can get and walk away. I'm not going to take your heart and run away with it. We both know how that feels and I wouldn't want anything to make you feel like that again. If you ever wanted to leave you can take me with you. Run from at all. Pack up and leave. I'll be fine with that. Don't think I don't know how you feel cause I'm just as broken as you may be. But two broken souls can always find a way to fix each other and become hole again. Maybe we could become one by fixing each other. Just believe me that I love you and that I'm sorry those one word answers sometimes annoy you or I don't seem interested enough as you are but I am. I don't look up at you when we are laying down just to look up. I don't hold you for as long as I can just to hold on to something. I don't write about someone at 2am unless they mean a lot to me. It's not easy to find someone who actually understand that sleeping is hard and maybe even understand that being alive is hard for most days. we seem to understand each other more then anyone I know. It's amazing to think that things I feel you may feel too or have felt. This is a good idea You and me are a good idea. Don't leave and I'll try my best to make you understand my feelings towards you. I know you won't leave and I need you to know I wont either. If I'm yours then you are mine. And I don't want that to change.

If I had to say anything I would have to say wow.  I can't believe that you are so perfect. I almost hate leaving. If having countless people hurt me in the past to lead up to being with you then I wouldn't go back and change a single moment. I'm not good with being emotional and talking about my feelings around you so that's why I'm writing them. You are amazing, sweet, caring, perfect  every word I can think of you are. How could I want anything more then just laying around and being a total goofball with you. Why would I want anything esle then being as happy as I can be. Why would I want anything esle then sleeping with you and actually sleeping all night and not waking up constantly cause I feel nervous or panicky. I don't think I could have it any better. You asked me what do I like about you and I couldn't give you good answers but I don't like your voice and I don't like your hair and I don't like your singing randomly. I love them. I love that you feel comfortable with me I love holding your hand when we are at target or the mall. I love being around you to not even caring if I come home or not. I always thought that I never was good enough for someone that everyone always would Leave me and never look back but I feel different with you that I feel safe. Safe. I do love you and those three words only have came out once before and I got totally riped apart because of it. I'm trying to put everything out on the table and rip away from any of the nagtive feelings I have towards love and open up let it all go and start new.

I'm sorry I can't please everyone
I'm sorry that you left and told me you were never coming back to me
I'm sorry I'm trying to move on and left you like you told me too
Stop trying to make me feel sorry for things you did to me
Stop calling me and texting me words that are far to gone to make me smile like they once did
I don't need you anymore and I don't want too
Go be happy with the girl you left me for and tell her all the sweet lovely things you told me
I'm not going to be the girl you leave and think ill still be here waiting for you to come back into my arms like that time in may
I let you back in
But I can't do it anymore. I'm not going to do it anymore
I not going to get upset over you anymore
I kinda wanna hate you but I know I never could
The only thing I want from you is to stop trying cause even though I once told you "ill always be here for you I promise"
I'm breaking my promise like you broke all of yours.

I never understood when I was little and naive that a person could love someone more then they love themselves. That they let someone in so close to there heart and show them there pain and happiness and what that special person to feel what they feel. I never understood that and thought well I don't think I could ever want someone to know my deepest serects and my pain and thought that someone could maybe fix me. But I was never in love so I didn't understand. Now I do. I understand clear, clearer then a couple who had been together for 45 years. I never thought that loving someone could be the best and the worst pain I have ever had. I always heard about people falling in love and happy ever after but what happens when he doesn't want to be your ever after? What happens then? What happens when the prince leaves the princess after she thought that he was gonna save her? Being young and watching love and fairy tales never help. I didn't do anything wrong? I love you so much that I would of took your pain and make me feel it before it even touched you. I fought so hard like I was told to? I fell in love, love I never had ever known. I guess my prince wasn't who I thought he was. No one ever told me about letting go. How do I let go of everything I ever wanted? How do I let go of what I thought was perfection? I don't care what anyone said or how it makes me look I really loved everything about everything we had, but we had nothing.  Please tell me where do I go and how to move on from a boy I loved more then I love myself. Make that a movie.

It's funny how we use people to fix us from a past love. How we grieve and sob over our old love until someone comes and picks us up out of are sad moments into happy ones. Falling out of love into something new and maybe something that will last forever. It's weird to think you loved another person and never even thought that you'd even love another until the day they leave and never return. But you find love in a whole new meaning. someone you didn't think you'd love, you love. And that old love disappears and makes you think was that even love? Should I even call that love if this new love is completely different? Why must we throw the word love around when we end up with someone new most of the time. Shouldn't love be a word we use to the person we want to spend are whole life's with and we actually do? Should the word love be illegal cause it makes the heart confused on the view of love? Being in love and loving someone should come from the heart and not the mind but we throw it around like it's a new trend. Being in love should make you feel butterfly's in places you didn't think could fly. Being in love should make you feel at home with that person even when you don't have a home and make you not want to be with anyone or anywhere esle.  Being in love make you believe in a future. Why tell a new love you are in love with them when you feel there be gone in a year or more? Do we trust are self that if this love isn't true a new love will come and we will forget It all and hope for a new future? A new start to what we wanted with our old loves? Maybe one day you could say you finally found someone wroth fighting for to keep that love alive like I have.

Being nothing to you makes me feel powerless and broken but I don't want to be something to you anymore. I want someone who will love me with all his heart and all his willpower. I want someone that will be happy with me and only want me not every girl he could get his hands on like you. I want him to send me love notes and write cute facebook staeus about me. I want him to make me feel wanted. Beautiful. Wroth something. I want him to hold me and know how to touch me the right way. I want to cry in front of him and tell him all my bad thoughts and how I really feel about myself without being treated like I'm some phyco patience. I want to fall asleep in his arms and listen to music in the dark and feel safe. I want to feel wanted. I want to look at him and forget all about the pain and scars you gave me. I want to forget completely about you and be happy with him because all I want is you and I know I can never have you again. I want to hold hands and feel his sweaty plams on mine. I want to touch his hair and look into his eyes and see forever. I want to fall in love like I fell in love with you. I want to be happy. I was never happy with you but **** did I love you. All you did was leave me heart broken and asking myself if living was worth it without you? All you ever did was leave me to **** her then came back to me to feel loved cause she never really loved you. You knew I loved you so you used that against me. Maybe I can't love like I loved you but ****** will I try. I'm tired of thinking you have control over me still even though you been long gone for 4 months. Im Sad. Broken and tired to the thought of love but I want someone I call my own. And I'm ready. I'm ready to let someone in and make new love happen again.

Loving him was like finding a new book
Not knowing what it's about or even if your going to like it
But you open that first page and fall in love with the words
Needing to read more and more
Picturing what your reading
But then you come to those last pages
Ending of the book the book you fell hopelessly in love with
Finishing the book you don't know what to do after all the hope and all the feelings you had for those characters are gone.
Are just a memory in your mind
That you have to play over and over again
To fell like it was real again
Leaves you empty and broken
until you find that next book.
Leaving a new mystery for you to slove.

I didn't cry today.
Finally.
May 19th is just a another day in a month.
I didn't cry over you.
And that feels so **** good, you know.

Not really a poem. More a note.
The day I met you I fell in love. I never thought this day would come. How can someone be so in love then be so rude weeks later? How could someone promise to never leave but be gone and never come back? I had dreams about this every ******* night and guess What? There gone. Just like you. Maybe it was a sign. I can't stop thinking about that night. How I ****** my whole life up in 20 seconds. I regret everything. I regret my mind telling me things that may not be true but believe them anyway. I always knew I was never good enough for you and I guess I was right. I never felt such pain and hurt that I don't know how to control it. Things I want to do and things I want to say should never be said but I do it anyway and I don't know why. You never have been perfect but it was all I needed. 4 years of seeing your face and touching your hair and laughing together and making a child turns into sleepless nights and hateful hurtful words and a sad 9 month old wishing her daddy would come home. I can't believe some of the things you have said. They play in my head over and over again. Someone you loved and still love How? How can you leave me like this. How could you forget about our life and move on with no hurt or no pain? How can you be away for so long and not miss Me? Are you even thinking at all? Who's there that is making you forget about everything we Have? Do they help you at night when you wake up scared? Do they take care of you when you had no where to go? Do they love you threw all your bad nights? What about when you didn't want to work and you took those long months off? Who supported You? What about when you where so alone so far away who helped you threw it? The girl you fell in love with you won't even give one last chance too. The girl who stood buy your side no matter what you won't even look back on. The girl who loved you so much won't even give me the time of day. Or maybe I'm still a buzz **** right? That plays in my head all day. I want to forget and tell people I'm okay but I'm not. I'm not okay and I don't think I ever will be.

It's 1:34 and all I crave is you. All I want it your touch. Your hands. Your smile. Everything about your disgusting soul I want. You don't want me anymore because I already gave you my soul and my heart and you ripped and stole both of them like the pro you are. Your beautiful ways that I don't care personality god I want it all again. I want it all back in my bed at 3am when my parents were yelling at me for you to leave. I want your body back on my body. Your hands on my hands. Your lips god your lips I want more then anything. Can I be one of those girls at your school you see everyday? Can I be that guitar you play? Can I just be yours again? I don't think you were ever mine but god I was yours. I craved your name into my skin just to have a piece of you on me. Every now and again I stare at those pictures of you and me heart broken crying. Why the **** did you make me fall? Why did you say all the right words and leave me cold and broken to the thought of that song you sung to me? Why can't I get every thought of your beautiful eyes looking at me out of my mind? I can't move on I can't look at boys and laugh and be happy. I can't even think about a life without you without cutting my skin away. You made me feel things I never ever felt before. I'm not the one to be ****** over and believe me baby people know that but with you I wouldn't mind you ******* with my mind again and again and again. Come back and destroy me like you like too. Come back and break me more piece by piece. Come hit me come push me around. Just come to me for I can have you again. Hate me. Tell me that you wish you never met me. Just do something so I can have you in my life. Your beautiful did you know that? Didn't you know I would do anything for you like I told you? Didn't you know that I could of been the one to be with you forever? You say no one cares for you but darling, I care, I care. Come back so I can love you like you know I do. Come back

If you want to destroy me then tell
Me you love me by making me fall for you at 230am. If you want to know ******* me tell me everything I want to here about how I make your life complete and how the stars are more beautiful when we look at them together. Tell me that falling in love with me was the greatest thing your heart has ever felt other then beating 30 beats per mintine. Which in fact I have counted from those sleepless nights. Tell me that you are completely lost without my touch and without me around you don't know what to do with yourself. I never felt wanted but I let anyone in that can tell me the sweetest words. Not that my heart can't be put back together no it has gone and ran away from my body and I can't seem to
Find it. It doesn't want to hurt like he made it. My heart can't handle those nights worried sick worthless moments you made it feel. I can't keep cutting away at the thought of that 4 letter word anymore. I never thought that being in love could take so much hurt from you and only use up so little of the good. Isn't that kinda pathetic letting someone destroy you from outside in and only thinking that that's what you deserve? That all I could ever have is a man treat me like **** and don't think that I deserve any better? That the thought of being happy actually sickens me? I keep saying its not my fault that I'm ******* and that I can't give a single person a straight answer but it is my fault. It's my fault for letting countess people use me and rip me piece by piece that I don't think there anymore feeling anyone can take from me. It's my fault I let some boy take a year and a half of my life and make me feel thing that I never understood and just leave me out in the cold for a cheap one night stand. Would it be stupid if I was sorry? Sorry that I'm not enough to be as strong as people think I am? That I can be alright if I'm not alone. That I can fake that I am aright? I try to be happy with the fact that I made it out okay that I'm not in that anymore and I can move on with life but it's not that simple. It's not simple to forget everything in a snap and it's not okay to be alright during the day but when night comes all you think is tearing up and not waking up. Maybe it's better that way maybe. Hiding it all. Im still here right? haven't completely broke yet.

I'm not special. I never was. I'm sliver when most people are gold. I never expected someone to stay. I always knew there are people better in the world that catch your attention. It's not like I'm anything at all. I can't do much. Sing. Dance. Play ball. Can't do nothing at all. I'm some girl who holds you back when you want more. I'm ******* myself and I know that. But someone like you who meant the world to me hurts me with words that I'm not good enough. I know I'm not. I never was. It's hard to be happy when words repeat in my mind. It's hard to feel wanted when I'm not wanted as much anymore. Some girls are out of your ledge then what dose that make me? Nothing? Temporary until you become out of my ledge? Some people aren't meant to be loved but I always thought we were good.

I fell for a boy who walked to my house in negative degrees in dark cold winter storms. he stayed with me when I had a 101 fever and held me and didn't let go in our short month of being together. The I love you's should of came sooner then they did. Cause I loved you since I laid on you and didn't wanna move. I loved you since our first kiss. Laughing in the middle of your kitchen and dinning room. Burning pizzas and chicken. You make my face turn from winter to summer with the taste of your name coming out of my month. My whole body shift turns to the loveliest feelings when you are mentioned. Maybe I found what every big screen movie talks about with lovely girls and there fairy tale endings. We aren't anyway. A fairy tale. We are more then a written love story with girls and starry eyed boys. We are match made for each other and I won't be told otherwise.

Reasons why I love you: 
I love his eyes 
I love his smile 
I love his hands 
I love holding his hand 
I love watching him drive 
I love playing with your hair 
I love how you talk to much 
I love how much your into music 
I love when you were playing my violin 
I love how he dresses 
I love kissing you 
I love just being with you 
I love how you act like yourself 
I love how you don't care 
I love face timing you 
Are skype convos 
Your just the right size 
Love your height 
I love when you singed to me 
I love your taste in music 
Your funny 
Sweet ( at times) 
I love that you were my first 
I love your hands even tho I already said that I really love them
I love laying with you 
 I love walking with you 
I love being on top of him
I love how you came down to see me 
I love the way you acted at the mall because how big it was
I love your snap chats 
How your always ***** haha 
I love how I dream about you every night 
I love thinking about you 
I love that I fell in love with you 
I love dancing with you 
I love hugging you 
Are songs 
Love that you stole my poster of Lucy hale
i loved dancing to dear Bobbie 
Your just so cute 
I love that you are just my type 
I love that we held on for so long even after everything. 
May 19th 
May 26th 
August 11th
I love that I'll never stop loving you 
I love just the thought of you 
I love how much I fought for you and always got you back
I love you shirtless 
I love how sweaty we were even tho it was gross
I love you sleeping over 
I loved laying on your chest 
I love how you were at my house the whole day 
I love are songs (again) but god are they amazing
I love thinking you loved me 
The fact that maybe you did 
I love you on top of me 
I love grinding with you haha 
I loved being in your room even tho you didn't clean it lol 
I loved that one hour we had 
I love how we were together all day 
I hated seeing you go
I want more memories with you 
Good and bad 
I want to lay with you again 
Kiss you again 
Be with you again 
And maybe that will never happen 
But I'm in love with you
And maybe one day you will say the same about me

I wish I could clap my hands and close my eyes and wake up seven again.
I want to change it all. I think seven the perfect age to start again. I would not be so shy and quite. I would have gone to the party's I was invited to and be young and make new friends. I wouldn't have been so scared of life. To live. I always thought to much and as a child I should of been carefree. Laughed and ran in the woods at camp with Sam just cause we could of. Worked harder for things and not just do it cause it was the easy way. Softball seasons started and I wanted to be on the team so bad but never tried out. Didn't ride on the Roller coaster with Marshall cause I was shy and scared of both him and the ride. Didn't go to my prom after his asked me and I ignored him every single time or the last dance. Never got high on the trail behide the mall after school. Never did anything to look back and say yes I had the time of my life when I was a child. I had openings and offers be never did. Never did anything. Anything to be proud of. I feel like I'm nothing and the 19 years have been **** and I don't like it. I don't like that I sit in my room as the world is out there and is moving. I don't like that I have no body in my life to call a friend. I don't like that I have done nothing with myself and I'm a waste of a human. I don't want to work for a body I've been dreaming of when I could of had it if I changed or did one little thing in the past. I don't like where I am or where I'm going so why keep on trying to be something when I'm going to be nothing?

You forgot how to love me.

"If you're my anchor, save me."

"Jealously wasn't in our fairy tale."

I met a boy long ago, God did I love that boy. I loved him more then myself. I loved him more then the stars love the night cause thats there only time to shine. I only shined when I was with him. The light in my eyes finally had a home. His hands were like mountains I could touch forever and not know when to stop cause they made me feel amazing. He had Eyes like the ocean blue as they come. Smile like a Sunday morning in the middle of July. Voice oh god his voice captured me and took me to a place I never been. Let him take whatever he wanted with that voice of his. But to bad that all ended that cold day in august. The 11th to be more exact. Something warm left me. Something left my body and I think, I think it was my heart. I think when he drove away that morning my heart knew he was never coming back. My heart knew that he's cold mind and disgusting soul got what he wanted for the last time and knew he was gone forever. So my heart followed him home. Now my body is just a empty piece of memories and dark thoughts of him. Can you give me my heart back baby? Why must you touch me so softly but leave me with the most hurtful pain I have every felt? Why did that night feel so perfect and your smile seem so real but ended in lies and you disappearing into her arms? did you not know that I would of moved mountains for you? I would of killed just to touch your beautiful mind and soul one more time? Do you not know that you are in every single thought of my mind and my body and my skin can't keep hurrying and Cutting itself because your not here and it doesn't know what to do? Your not perfect but you were perfect for me. You are the most tasteful thing my month has ever tasted. You made me go insane with the thought of your body. Your lips. Your eyes. Your eyes make me melt just thinking about them. Darling I would of dies for you? I would of killed myself if that is what you wanted. Maybe if I **** myself I can be with you forever. Watch your every move, your every thought. Darling dose that scare you? That scares me cause I would want to touch you and I know I can't. I know I can never touch you again. But darling it's okay. Cause I have him now. He makes me happy and that is what I need, Darling. Maybe the painful memories of your love and touch will go away. I need your baby blue eyes to leave my mind. I need to not lay in bed and feel your hands on me anymore. Your gone and baby I think I think I'll be okay. I think the stars aren't scared to shine on there own without needing the moon anymore. I think they are perfectly fine to be themselves and sore across the sky at 11 am. I think I will be alright without you. I mean I haven't locked myself in the bathroom cutting my already tore body anymore so that's a start huh baby? don't be sad if you come looking for me and I'm already happy with one of the  million stars in the sky. I think I found a star that is just like me. And darling, I'm pretty happy with that. Me and my star can learn how to shine together again. I'm gonna learn how to shine again Darling.

What's the difference of being in love and wanted to be with him for all of entirety? Is it that I want to be as happy as I was a year ago on the 19th or is it that the only reason I look into your eyes is because I see and smell home. Safe, taking these bloodly arms and making them hole and new again. If you plan to leave then never tell me. Leave in silence never tell me that you want something new or I don't shine in your eyes anymore. Only tell me that you want to lay with me forever and the nightmares are gone as soon as I touched your chest. I think I'm in love. But why I'm I so afraid to Admit that? Is it cause I don't want to wake up and you be gone away with someone else's heart? I don't want my heart to be open and have to cut and tear away at it just to make the pain stop again. No I won't do it. Your different. Your eyes tell me that. Your eyes are everything I've ever wanted. Your so close to me and I just can't help but always touch you in someway. I Don't wanna be scared to open my heart and let someone new crawl in. I'm Not scared anymore. I love you no, I'm in love with you and I'll will tell you when your as close to me as you are right now. There's a difference of being in love and loving someone. The way your eyes look at me when I'm turned away is the reason I know you don't ever wanna leave. I hope mine look the same to you cause darling, if I stay I'm staying forever.

Thinking back to the day when you were mine
How everything was perfect
Everything felt right
When I felt sad I knew just the sound of your voice would make everything quite perfect
I felt safe again
Loved again
Thinking back to the day I first saw you
Oh my was that a wonderful hour
Never thought that only 60 minutes could make me feel such love for another human being
Never thought I could care that much
Thinking back to when we spend all day together
I gave you something I can never take back that cold day in may
Funny how I remember all are dates
26, 19 and 11.
All those numbers play back inside my head leaving me cold and numb to the thought
Thinking back to the night you spelt over
Amazing I thought
Even though you weren't really mine
Just a boy I was madly in love with
Still am
You talked to much
And I kinda liked that
I kinda liked playing with your hair
Watching you play candy crush for a hour
Sleeping on your chest
Oh I loved that
More then your blue eyes
I've grown to love
Thinking back to when you left me
I told you I loved you and you didn't say it back as you drove away
Thinking back to me siting there asking myself
"Why can't he love me like I love him?"
thinking about every little thing you did and every conversation we had and every little lie you told that made me feel special.
Thinking about how I'm alone
Sad
Hurt
Every word that comes to mind
Heart broken
I'm heart broken
And I can't find the pieces to be whole again.

When I was younger I was taught that true love was something magical and beautiful. It was red roses at your door and the man of your dreams outside your window singing with big boom boxes and rings. It was expensive things and happy smiles 24/7.
But now I'm older it's not like that at all. It's deep talks at 2am and peeing when your on the phone. It's laughing at him when he messes up. It's saying all the wrong things at the wrong moments. It's kissing at 6am and singing at the most random times. It's late nights together with no makeup and hair messed up. It's never running out of things to talk about. It's watching movies on a Saturday night. It's watching things you wouldn't watch before (like honey boo boo or such.) it's spilling your heart out at 4 am when you should be sleeping. It's laying on top of each other and not saying a word just the feeling of heartbeats. It's driving in the car and listening to a song that makes you smile unconditionally. It's holding hands. It's taking ugly pictures together and laughing about them. Its watching your favorite band live for the first time after countless night listening to their albums. It's the small things he dose that makes you ever wonder what growing old would be like with him. It's crying at 5am just cause you had a rough night and them holding you until the monsters go away. True love isn't leaving when things get hard nor looking for it. It's the simple things in life that can make your day shine with the smallest windows. True love isn't something you will find no, it comes to you as quite as the wind. You have to listen to what's around you cause true love is around everyone.

Being with him was like the first day of summer. The sun stays out longer. It's getting hot and you wake up just to go outside and feel that hot sun on your skin. Everything is bright. Kids are off from school screaming and running around playing and just having fun. He was like summer.

Loving him was like fall. The leaves start to change and everything becomes beautiful. Not cold and not hot. Just perfect. Perfect time to sit outside drink hot chocolate and just talk as the pink and blue sky starts to fall into night. I could sit out there forever. He was like fall.

Losing him was like winter. It starts getting dark early and it starts getting cold. No one wants to go outside anymore. Kids aren't outside screaming in laughter. No one wants to go out in the cold and get sick from the brisk dark air. The sun doesn't shine as much. All you want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. Not move. Wanting that summer and fall feeling again. He was like winter. Losing him was like winter.