Not really a poem. More a note.
The day I met you I fell in love. I never thought this day would come. How can someone be so in love then be so rude weeks later? How could someone promise to never leave but be gone and never come back? I had dreams about this every ******* night and guess What? There gone. Just like you. Maybe it was a sign. I can't stop thinking about that night. How I ****** my whole life up in 20 seconds. I regret everything. I regret my mind telling me things that may not be true but believe them anyway. I always knew I was never good enough for you and I guess I was right. I never felt such pain and hurt that I don't know how to control it. Things I want to do and things I want to say should never be said but I do it anyway and I don't know why. You never have been perfect but it was all I needed. 4 years of seeing your face and touching your hair and laughing together and making a child turns into sleepless nights and hateful hurtful words and a sad 9 month old wishing her daddy would come home. I can't believe some of the things you have said. They play in my head over and over again. Someone you loved and still love How? How can you leave me like this. How could you forget about our life and move on with no hurt or no pain? How can you be away for so long and not miss Me? Are you even thinking at all? Who's there that is making you forget about everything we Have? Do they help you at night when you wake up scared? Do they take care of you when you had no where to go? Do they love you threw all your bad nights? What about when you didn't want to work and you took those long months off? Who supported You? What about when you where so alone so far away who helped you threw it? The girl you fell in love with you won't even give one last chance too. The girl who stood buy your side no matter what you won't even look back on. The girl who loved you so much won't even give me the time of day. Or maybe I'm still a buzz **** right? That plays in my head all day. I want to forget and tell people I'm okay but I'm not. I'm not okay and I don't think I ever will be.
This child was a mistake. I'm sorry daddy might not be there. I've loved him more then life itselfs. But sometimes love isn't enough for some people. Sometimes people can't love even if you steal the sun and the stars for them. Mommy will try her best to give you everything. Mommy won't tell you that daddy left because he wanted more and I was simply not enough. We were simply not enough. Mommy will try not to cry when I look at your face and see him in you. Mommy will tell you it wasn't daddy's fault that he left. I know daddy trys. But it isn't enough anymore. I know you can feel mommy is sad and I'm sorry I'm bringing you into the world broken and on our own. He said he wanted to make things better but things can't ever be the same.
I haven't written in a long time cause normally I write about how sad or upset I was. I haven't been sad in a while. Actually. But today I don't know how I feel. I don't know what tomrrow holds anymore. I don't know who or what or what makes me happy anymore. I've always liked being alone and maybe that's just the way God or whatever is out there wanted me to be. I mean is there always someone for everyone? How do you know ? You dont. Can people just love one human and be okay with that? Why put trust and love in someone if they don't put trust and love in you? How can you sleep and come home to someone and not be fully in love with them and when something new comes along and forget all you ever had with them? I didn't ask to be here but here I am and it kills me. I always thought if you were a good person good things happen to you. But here I am. And that's not true. Nothing is true. Love is just a made up word to please us. To make us feel something when there's nothing to feel at all.
I’m writing you this
With liquor on my lips
Wide eyes, hands shaking
Down to my fingertips
You won’t read any further
I’ve already accepted that,
Maybe your mind will change
Once you see your tires flat
I don’t mean to play *****
But I’ve got a bleeding heart
Your twisted lies were enough
To tear what’s left of me apart
You “never meant to hurt me”
It’s all you continued to say
“Don’t leave again” I’d reply
Though I knew you’d run away
I saw galaxies in your eyes
God I wish you believed I cared
Now you’ve gone to better things
And I’m the one left impaired
You see you were like the moon
Going through these phases
Always changing your opinion
Like it was hidden in mazes
I’m done looking for a solution
When it’s clear I won’t find one
But why can’t you look me in
The eyes and tell me we’re done?
You meant everything to me
And I tried hard to save you
I knew you were depressed,
Nothing we couldn’t work through
I love you and your blue eyes
Your stories and the laughs
But I guess you’re right my dear
It’s time we go our separate paths
I will always remember how you tasted of mint and cigarettes
It's 11:42 pm and I have to be up at 8am. That's 9 hours from now and I don't think that's enough time for my mind to rest. My mind is never at rest and I don't know why that is. It's a consent thing that keep thinking and moving and playing with my body and I kinda don't like it. If I could sit and pull each and every piece of faded red hair out if my head id rather do that then think for 9 hours and 15 mins. Id rather drown myself then think about every mistake that I have made and every countless thing that made me who I am today. being alive is just a chore I don't want anymore. I'm so sick of wanting everything to be okay and perfect when life never has been. It never will be and I'm not okay with that. I don't want more, I want nothing. I want my mind to stop telling me that everything is wrong and your not here for me. I can never get the words out and I can't play this game of not knowing everything is fine. Everything is not fine and I'm a mess and I can't understand why you are still here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be me. Everything comes to me at once and I don't know how to deal with it without cutting away or sounding like a teenage girl who just started highschool. I'm afraid to jump without understanding what I would be leaving be hide. Am I leaving anything be hide? Am I just a space that you found? Am I your whole heart or just the empty space no one ever filled?
You forgot how to love me.
I can feel you slipping away