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Jun 2015
It's 11:42 pm and I have to be up at 8am. That's 9 hours from now and I don't think that's enough time for my mind to rest. My mind is never at rest and I don't know why that is. It's a consent thing that keep thinking and moving and playing with my body and I kinda don't like it. If I could sit and pull each and every piece of faded red hair out if my head id rather do that then think for 9 hours and 15 mins.  Id rather drown myself then think about every mistake that I have made and every countless thing that made me who I am today. being alive is just a chore I don't want anymore. I'm so sick of wanting everything to be okay and perfect when life never has been. It never will be and I'm not okay with that. I don't want more, I want nothing. I want my mind to stop telling me that everything is wrong and your not here for me. I can never get the words out and I can't play this game of not knowing everything is fine. Everything is not fine and I'm a mess and I can't understand why you are still here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be me. Everything comes to me at once and I don't know how to deal with it without cutting away or sounding like a teenage girl who just started highschool. I'm afraid to jump without understanding what I would be leaving be hide. Am I leaving anything be hide? Am I just a space that you found? Am I your whole heart or just the empty space no one ever filled?
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