I'm just barely getting by
Holding it together as long as I can
Keep a straight face
Don't think about it
Don't look at it
Don't touch it
Don't you ******* dare
I catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye
And it's burns in an unfamiliar way
I haven't come to terms with the fact that you aren't in my life anymore
Things are changing
You are leaving
And I am leaving too
I always thought you'd be there
An active part of my every day life
The one person who would always be with me
Through thick and thin
And I just cannot get myself to understand that you are not
It hurts too much
So I change the subject
Even though I'm the only one around
And eventually I have to touch it
To see if it still hurts
And each time I do, it is worse than the time before
And I hate that I still wait on your texts
I hate that I still need you
I hate that this is all so hard
I don't understand why people would want to risk falling in love, if it could end like this
If it could hurt this much
I know that's what everyone says
"I'll never fall in love again, I'll never be happy again"
But you will
Whether or not you will ever be in love enough or happy enough to fill that gaping hole...well that's another question
Knowing how special something was that you had
And knowing that the likelihood of you finding a love like that again is 7,423,569,767 to 1
It's devastating
And I want to forgive you
I want to move forward
I want to take it back, just like I said that I would
Any under any other circumstance I would...
I did
Until I couldn't anymore

It's 2pm and it's pouring outside.
Mother Nature is singing of sorrow.
I am numb, for the most part.
Until that ache in my chest begins.
I've never felt anything like this before.
I can feel my heart being ripped in two.
After so many years we merged together.
So nicely you couldn't even see a seam.
Now we're parting ways and trying to find ourselves.
Trying to distinguish what part goes where and with who.
Trying to leave it how we found it.
Trying to figure out which parts are me and which parts are you.
And I guess I should feel free.
I should feel a weight being lifted.
I should be something...
But I am not.
I am invisible.
Hiding in the shadows.
Watching my life like a television screen.
Covering my eyes at the gory parts.
You won't see me anymore.
That piece is dead.
I'm sad to say, as much as I don't want it to be...this is the end.
And I'll write you one last goodbye one hundred times over.
I'll say I'm really letting go.
That it's easy.
That I'm fine.
But deep down I know I'm not.
if I thought I could keep you and be happy I would...
I did.
Many times.
But at some point you have to accept what is.
And it's not what it was anymore.
We're at our crossroad.
You in one vehicle and myself in the other.
I'm looking at you in the rear view mirror...
And I'm driving to a home I don't know.

I can feel myself slipping
Everything is slowly fading to black
The stars don't shine anymore
They've all burnt out
Their flame distinguished
Nothing left but steam in the craters it created in the earth when it fell
Much like our love
And I hope it doesn't have to be this way
I'm hoping we haven't touched down yet
I'm hoping that we can move forward
I'm hoping we can forgive and forget
I just feel so heavy
Too heavy to make a move
My lungs struggling to breathe under the weight
My heart slowing down
My Fingers are turning blue
The blackness sets in again
I just can't move
So I just lay there
Slowly being crushed
Gasping frantically for air
Until I just give up
She's coming soon to take me
To offer me my last kiss
To release me from my agony
And I welcome her with open arms
As her wings open in elegance I just stare in awe
She smiles at me and whispers
Shhhh it's okay, I'm here now
Just close your eyes and think of something happy
And my mind goes to you
She kneels in and kisses me
I see your face and you're smiling at me
Giggling in fact, at something I had said
And as I closed my eyes for one last time all I have are regrets

I always thought I knew what heartache was.
I thought I'd felt the worst of it all.
That it could never hurt more than it was hurting right then.
That at least if I had my heart broken in the future, it couldn't feel any worse than it did in that moment.
But I was wrong.
As each day passes I find that it breaks a little more.
I never thought I'd be without you.
I never thought it could hurt this bad.
Almost 8 years we spent together, and I don't know how to let that go.
I don't know how to pretend that it doesn't hurt or that I don't think of you always.
I don't know how I could ever be as close to anyone as I am to you.
I took all of my armor off and exposed my tender underbelly.
I showed you all of me.
Told you every secret I have.
Even the ones I swore that I would take to my grave.
And now I have to say goodbye.
You say you're still hopeful but I can see it in your eyes.
I feel it when you speak of the things I don't want to hear.
I'm just biding time.
Just waiting and pretending it's not here yet.
Even though I know that it is.
I feel that I only have a few days left with you and as each day passes I'm one step closer to not having you in my life.
At least how I thought I'd have you in my life.
I still speak of the future and catch Myself in mid sentence, or try to pretend that I hadn't said that.
Try to pretend that it doesn't hurt.
Try to pretend it isn't real.
Next June we were supposed to get married.
The day that I'd been looking forward to since I knew I loved you.
We went to the DI yesterday to look around.
I saw some wedding dresses and cried out happily as I went to walk towards them, only to remember midway step through that was not my future anymore...
At least not with you.
I was so embarrassed and heartbroken but I didn't want you to know.
You heard me and asked what I said and I said nothing.
You heard me though, and you told me that was still not off the table.
I want to believe you, but I just feel it in my gut and I can't shake it.
I'm just watching you slowly slip away and there's nothing I can do about it.
No amount of I'm sorry, or I didn't mean to hurt you can ever make it go away.
And I know that.
That's what kills me.
Later that evening we were talking about dinner and somehow came to talk about prime rib.
I mentioned that I had planned to make that for Christmas this year, and that you know that I just have to have turkey on thanksgiving.
And it hit me again.
That moment where you realize that last years Christmas really was the last.
They said it would be her last Christmas too.
And it was.
And I don't know how to handle that.
I don't know how to face the pain I've caused you.
I don't know how to get right with the fact that I was not there when you needed me.
I don't know how to cope with the fact that I could be so cruel.
It was never my intention and I will never forget or forgive myself for that.
I quickly changed the subject, hoping that you hadn't heard me.
That you hadn't heard that change in my voice
That you hadn't seen the look of devastation throughout my body.
I think I did it well that time.
Or maybe you heard and you realized it too...
I can't help but to cry, but I can't let you see me.
So I go to the bathroom and turn the fan on so you can't hear me.
Try to pretend everything is fine.
Try to enjoy what is very likely one of our last days.
That's the killer...
Watching something you love die before your eyes.
Knowing that it's coming and just watching it all disappear.
Every plan we had slowly denigrating
My heart is broken
And I don't know that it will ever heal  
I don't know how I'm going to tell everyone that we aren't getting married.
I don't know how you answer all of the questions.
I don't know how to hide the hurt.
A part of me wishes that I hadn't told them.
I want to be the only one who knew so that I could just be alone in my grief.
Not have to face that.
Because when I do, it's really over.
And We can't just "slowly grow apart" and hope no one notices...
I have to face this heartbreak dead on and it is you I look to for comfort
But you won't be there
You won't be there to make it better
To make me feel safe and loved
There will be no more "well at least we have each other"
No more us.
I will love you my whole life
And long after

On a scale of one to ten how bad does it hurt?
The doctor always asks this before giving you any form of relief.
And you lie and say it's an 8 when it's really a 5.
Afraid the remedy related to the number won't be strong enough.
Afraid you'll still feel the pain and there will be nothing more to stop it.
Afraid that it might never feel as good as it's going to feel in this moment
This moment is the last you get
And I'm afraid
I'm afraid this pain in my chest will never stop
And no matter how many bottles of ***** you go through it will never feel that way again
That moment when you're anticipating the pain but it's not real yet
You're just looking at it
And then the words come out and it's reality
Your world is crumbling and there is nothing anyone or anything can do to stop it
So I lied and said it was a 10 when it was really a 15

Tonight I'll stand on the ledge
Stare down at the rocks below
Watch as the waves crash in and kiss the shore
The ones I've stared down at one too many times
And I'll fantasize about the fall
And the blood
And the carnage
It comes in waves, you know
And I never see it coming

Tonight I will show no mercy
But according to you I never have
According to you I am selfish and unkind
But my dear, I've always tried to give  that to you
I am honest but not always open
I tell you the bare minimum
The superficial things
Because I don't know how to speak
To say those things out loud
To describe the pain inside
And I wont break your heart in order to fix mine

Tonight I'll play the martyr
I'll take all the blame
I'll carry that burden
And I won't say a word
I thought she'd go away
But It's almost been two years
I convinced myself that if I pretended it was all okay
It would be with time
There is a fire in me
Raging through my veins
Growing higher and higher with each trespass
And it's not dying down

Tonight I will stay quiet
Ill hear your silent pleas
That high pitched screaming
The one that only dogs can hear
"It's the atoms settling in"
Ringing in my head
As the blood drips from each ear I am calm
It is silent for a while
Until you've caught your breath
Your resentment seeping from your pores

Tonight I will not fight
For I am selfish in your eyes
A monster in disguise
Plotting my revenge and playing nice
Growling at you with your heart between my teeth
Always threatening to bite down
Daring you to make a move
Showing no sense of remorse or empathy
Is that really how you see me?

Tonight I'll pick up the pieces
Pack up the memories
And sort them one by one into nicely labeled boxes
2008
2009
2010
2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
It is always the same
And I'm tired of fighting
Tired of going back and forth between taking your name and taking my things and leaving
And I know you are fully aware that when that happens I will not look back
And that scares you

Tonight I'll expose my soul to you
I will not hold back
I'm not one to show my emotions
To bare my scars to the onlooker
It took you 6 years to even get to know me
The person I truly was inside
You always leave me here
To cleanup what you leave behind

Tonight you will be angry with me
Until you meet my eye
And you're just left with the pain of the day
You push me away to test me
But baby, this isn't a game
I can't guess what you're thinking, nor should I have to
I've been honest with you
And always kept your best interest in mind
And maybe you don't like it
You'll say I'm merciless yet again
And I will gladly let you believe that
Because I know that's easier for you
Tonight we'll just pretend

It’s 3am and I can’t sleep
My hearts too heavy to dream
My eyes burn as I walk through the halls
Trying to find shelter from my thoughts
I’ve got a strange feeling
I guess heartache is what it’s called
And I carry her with me everywhere I go
I’ve learned to hide her well
Leave the room inside my head where she lies, when they ask
Deny her existence everywhere I turn
But when it gets quiet I can hear her crying
Moaning through the halls that she paces each night
Mourning the loss of the one that she loved
I think I died that night
The one where you left me alone
Lied and said it wasn’t her who had called
And I believed you
I believed that you wanted to be with me but you had a client emergency that couldn’t be avoided
But you promised you’d be home just as soon as you were done
1 hour, you said
3 hours passed
I cried myself to sleep praying not to see another day
You left me alone and I died that night
It was 3am when you returned
The smell of her all over your skin
The taste of her spit still on your lips
I felt more disgusting in that moment than I have ever felt in my entire life
I realized where you had been as you slid your hand down my pants
You looked at me and you knew that I knew
You panicked and ran off to take a shower
You tried to burn her fingerprints from your skin
Tried to wash away all of the guilt and shame
Tried to maintain the lie
I paced through the living room
Trying to grasp the reality that had recently become my own
It hurt
It hurt like hell
It was 3am and I died that night, and each night since then

You’ll never know how many times a day I fantasize about running a blade across my skin.
Feeling that dull burn and the pull of my flesh against the blade.
The sweet crimson relief pouring from my soul.
I feel the blackness in me.
It’s toxic, flooding my veins with poison.
Causing sepsis within my heart.
Killing what is left of me.
I need to release it before it eats me alive.
It can’t get out if I don’t make an opening!
It’s fingers reach through the wound and slowly tears me apart.
Pulling at my skin until the hole is big enough for it to slink out of.
I am frozen.
Forever haunted by my shadow.
Forever tormented by her words.

Devastated
Lonely
Confused
Hopeless
I’ve felt this way for months
The sky has been crying since
I often wonder if it sees me suffering?
If it’s nature trying to console me?
That’s crazy, I know
But I still can’t help but wonder
Every time I start to cry, I mean really cry, it starts to pour
When my spirits start to lift, the weather soon does after
The sky has been grey for at least 3 days now
It’s beautiful
It reminds me of home
I feel safe in the darkness
So I let it swallow me whole
Enveloping me until there is nothing left but black
This is my sanctuary
This is how I escape
This is how I will make it out alive
This is how I become sane
Or is this how I become insane?
I never could tell the difference
What’s the difference between pain and love?
There’s a fine line
With just one stumble, you could fall out of one and into the other
Good or bad?
Right or wrong?
Easy or hard?
These simple questions hold a multitude of different answers
They have millions of questions inside them
Three simple words
That’s it
Three simple words are so easy to say
They hold so much meaning
They get used too easily
Easy or hard?
Easy or hard?
Which would you choose?
With the easy road, it never gets fixed
It never gets resolved
It could possibly end it all
The hard road is filled with struggle
It’s filled with sacrifices and pain
But it’s worth it if you can get there
Which would you choose?
Do you know the answer?
What if you walked that hard road, but they went the easy way?
Right or wrong?
Right or wrong?
Is it right that they do wrong?
Are you right?
What if you’re wrong?
What if you took the easy way thinking it was the hard way?
How do you know the difference?
How do you keep sane?
Left, no right?
Right again!
Left, Left, Left.
Search inside, find your moral high ground
Good or bad?
Bad or Good?
Neither?
Do you know?
What do you stand for?
Keep searching
Unlock that door
Find the key
Find the key
Break it down if you have to
There!
Over there!
The answers you’ve been searching for!
Crack the code
Crack the code
What if I can’t crack the code?
Was this all a waste?
Was this not the hard road?
Slipping, slipping, slipping
Psychosis is sinking in
She is my best friend
Coddling me like a child when I can no longer stand on my own
Sinking in, deeper and deeper
Black
So much black
She is my only friend
She speaks to me silently, but from where I can not tell
Who’s that?
Who’s there?
Yes, I hear you!
Hello!
I understand
Thank you
It’s good to not be alone

I don’t know what we are now
I just know it’s not what it was
I fear that you don’t want to change
I fear you can’t see through my flaws
There are so many thoughts running through my head
It’s hard to keep track of what is real and what is not
I feel like I’ve been side swiped
You were hiding in my blind spot
Fragments of memories scattered all over the floor
Picture perfect memories, that don’t seem so perfect anymore
I dream of you when I’m not asleep
I dream of what could be
I’m at a loss for words now
This wasn’t anything I could foresee
What do you say, when you have said it all before?
I’m running out of breath
What do you say when no one’s listening anymore?
This silence is making me deaf
I’m unlocking all of the secrets
The door is open now
I’m just hoping we can make it through
But these trespasses, I can’t allow
I know I’ve made my fair share of mistakes
But I feel I am doing my part
I feel like nothing I do will ever change this
I fear it might be too late to restart
I know that is not what I want
I know what I want is you
But I’m afraid that you are unavailable
I fear there is nothing more I can do
It’s hard to feel so helpless…
It’s hard to feel so powerless and alone
We’re at a crossroad now
And it’s up to you to find your way home
I’ll be waiting here patiently
But I can’t wait forever
I will help you anyway that I can
I know if we try, we can make it through this endeavor
I’ve seen you at your worst and loved you through it all
My love for you is unconditional
But I can’t get past your wall
This wall you’ve put up is putting a barrier between us
It is keeping us apart
I can’t get in if you don’t take it down
We can never have a fresh start
The lying has to stop
It isn’t doing anyone any good
I know that you are just afraid
Afraid of being misunderstood
I understand where you are coming from
But you never know until you try
You break my heart a little more
Everytime you lie
I know that it will take time
But my heart will one day heal
This situation has caught me off guard
The whole thing is just so surreal
I’m going through the motions
I’m trying to find my way
I’m trying to read your morse code
But the message, you won’t convey
I need you to talk to me
I need to know the real you
I need you to be honest with me
It’s the least that you could do…

Where do you go when you’ve strayed so far from the path?
Is there any turning back?
Do you just keep moving forward; with hope that eventually it will take you where you need to be?
Trudging down the trail as fast as you can; trying to find an exit, with no success
I feel like I’ve been running circles through your brain; trying to tie up loose ends
You say there is nothing to find, but your eyes lie
With empty words and broken promises; I try to believe you
Everything in my souls says there is more
Do I really want to know what it is that you are hiding?
What if there is nothing left to find, and I’m just stuck in a loop?
It’s been this way so long, that it’s like second nature; a lifetime of lies
Even you can’t seem to tell the difference anymore
I’m a wandering soul, trying to find my place; looking in the mirror with disdain
I hate that girl in the mirror; the one who looks so defeated
Her eyes are empty
The light that once was there has been distinguished
Can you fix the broken?
I mean what’s really broken; shattered into pieces on the floor
Glass shards cut my feet
I press down and grind my heel into the ground where the broken pieces lay
That’s better
What’s broken is now a piece of me; never to be forgotten
Each step pushes them further into my pad
Eventually the wounds heal; the shards still embedded in my skin
What’s not supposed to be will eventually push its way out anyway
Still I try to keep it
Once it works its way out, I repeat
Not realizing what this cycle is doing to me
What am I without it?
Am I still me?
Was this ever who I really was?
Will I ever know the answers to the questions my brain needs to know, but my heart fears?
They burn behind my eyes, leaving black marks on my retinas
Where do I go from here?
Do I push forward against your force?
Do I just let it be?
It is what it is
That’s been my motto lately
You can’t change what doesn’t want to change
You can only control yourself
Things are always changing and if you don’t move with it, you will be left behind
Nothing more than a forgotten memory that pops up from time to time; after a few too many drinks
Maybe one day you’ll be sitting at the bar, having a drink with a few friends
Maybe SHE will even be there with you
She reaches for your hand and caresses it softly
Suddenly all of the memories come flooding in; everything that you had and gave up
Do you think you’ll regret your choices?
Or are you happy now?
Playing house with a married woman; who has no intention of this ever being anything more than just a game
I would have given you anything, you know
For me, it was never a game
But I got played like a fiddle that was out of tune and then tossed to the side like yesterday's garbage
Now you’re searching through the debris, trying to find me
But I’m withered from the weather and the harsh conditions of this storm
I’m not shiny and new anymore
There’s scuff marks on my body, and my strings are broken and tangled
You hold me and try to tune me again, but the notes that come out are distorted
Every now and then a beautiful notes leaks out, only to be followed by the twinge of my broken heart
I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same
I don’t know that I’ll ever be the person you fell in love with
I don’t know that I will ever be okay
But I want to be.

Once upon a time; in a land so far away, there lived a girl who suffered in silence and fed on the decay.
A hopeful heart so withered and lost with not much left to give.
This is the story of my madness and my fight to find the will to live.

I am standing here on the ledge
Watching the rocks slowly crumble beneath my feet
I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now
I am isolated, trapped in my own hell
Oh what a pathetic site I must be
You’ve done this to yourself, you know
It’s your fault and you must pay
And pay I will
Let’s take it back a bit
Maybe then you’ll understand
I’ve done this to myself
This was done by my own hand
Something calming has been taken, and now the river runs rapid
I have no choice, no voice, no sound set of mind
I am alone in the madness that has been building for some time
My heart aches so deep that I can feel it clawing through my skin
I guess it will do anything to get out of this prison that it’s in
Farewell dear heart of mine
You were faithful till the end
But love has fallen and failed us
And I don’t think that it will mend
This time the cuts too deep
Neither thread, nor twine can mend this hole
So I bid you adieu…
Farewell my dear loveless soul
I don’t think I can go back
There’s no other way out but down
I’ll take one final breath and then just wait to drown
My foot is over the ledge
One more step and then it’s done
I have no other option
No sorrowful song left unsung
I am at “piece” now
I can’t be hurt anymore
I hope no one ever finds me
I hope my body never washes ashore
Trapped in the bottom of this river, until the end of time
For once, you don’t get a say
This time the choice was mine

One winter’s night under the cold December moon
I woke from my slumber to a mournful tune
It crept from my ears and down the hall
But when I followed it nothing was there at all
So I peered out the window just in time to see
A pale silhouette sadly smiling at me
As her song grew louder, my ears began to ring
And I found that it was mine, not her song to sing
So I stealthily slipped out the creaking front door
And began to follow her to her kingdom by the shore
Water rising to my waist
Arms spread out like a dove
Bellowing my melancholy plea for her love
Only to find silence as the blood began to pour
She sang one last tune, “never more, never more”
It was then and only then that my eyes did see
It was my reflection that had been smiling back at me
She rushed up and whispered ever so silently
“This is how you make it. Don’t you want to be free?”
Laying on my back with my head just barely afloat
I let the waters take me as my body began to bloat
This is it now.
This is all I’ll ever be.
Forever to be trapped in MY kingdom of the sea.

The holidays are coming fast and my heart sinks as I count down each day.
Replaying every memory, every smile and every **** Christmas song you’d always play.
I can’t imagine the holidays without you.
I did not hang any lights or pick out a Christmas tree.
There are no presents or the smell baked goods, like there use to be.
I did not hang any stockings or leave any cookies for old Saint Nick.
The holidays are coming fast and I hope that they end quick.

Every memory lingers under the patches I made to the wall
Every wound hides under the new layer of skin
Every heartache I ever felt is inside this tiny box
Every tear fills this river that I’m swimming in
And if you know me well, you know that I can’t swim
So I just wade around a while, trying to keep to where I can touch
Screaming for help
Choking on the water
Gasping for air
You are nowhere to be found
“Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?”
Nothing…
The sun is shining and the birds are singing, but the sky is grey and silent
The water tosses me into the rocks
What’s a few more scars between friends?
And hell, what’s a pint of blood between enemies?
Anything for you my dear, anything for you
You smile that smile
The one that makes me weak
And under I go
My little box in hand
Together we sink, until we hit bottom
Bottom was a long way down
But after preparing for it for a while now, we’re finally here
What a dump
So this is home?
This is all that’s left?
This is what I get?
Things were always better when you were around
But since you’re gone I guess I’d better get used to it
Being alone that is…
I wonder if there’s any room left in that box for me…

A part of me loves with all of my heart

A part of me hates right from the start

A part of me hides with secrets of the past

A part of me cries for that love that will last

A part of me longs for the passion I once knew

A part of me recoils and only opens to few

A part of me hopes for a brighter tomorrow

But the part that is hidden drowns that with sorrow

A part of me reaches for your loving embrace…

But turns and runs in fear, leaving no trace

A part of me stumbles on words held so high

A part of me wonders if there are any as lucky as I

A part of me trusts….

While A part of me grieves…

So the part you see smiles…

While the other deceives.

Try as I may to forget, it still creeps inside.
Like poison, I can feel it coursing through my veins.
It burns like ******.
It’s eating me alive.
She asks me if I’ve been using my techniques.
She tells me everything is fine.
She tells me to try to remember when it creeps in, that it’s only in my mind.
Easier said than done, when the nightmares that haunt me are real.
Grabbing me and holding me down.
They’re screaming in my ear.
Tap, tap, tap, “hello? Are you still there? We will always find you. We will always be right here.”
Tap, tap, tap, “hello? You can’t ignore us for long. We will only get louder. You know you aren’t that strong.”
Bang, bang, bang, “GET UP! SHES HERE! THE TIME IS NOW!”
Hello again, my unwanted friends…
I’ll silence you, somehow.

I looked at you, looking at her and my heart winced.
Everything I had held onto so tightly was slipping away.
The tighter I clung, the more you danced around my fingers…
Just barely out of my grasp.
I would have given you everything, you know.
In fact, I did.
I gave you all of me.
Every last piece.
Every time you broke, I gave you another piece of me to fill your wounds.
Stitching up your pieces and putting you back together again, and again.
You left yesterday.
You left and went to her.
I can’t help but to scold myself.
I knew.
Of course I knew.
How could someone like me ever be loved?
How could someone like me ever be good enough?
Now all I have are gaping wounds and memories of our love.
6 years I loved you.
Now I don’t even recognize myself.
There’s nothing left to recognize."

I loved you with a fiery passion but I always seem to forget that you are a fish.
My dear sweet Pisces.
Try as I may to cauterize our wounds you never fail to swoop in and extinguish the flame

You were like a breath of fresh air in a room full of poison.
You saved me, gave me mouth to mouth.
Checked the EKG to be sure that everything was fine.
I guess you should have gotten an x-ray.
Maybe then you could have foreseen the internal bleeding.
Maybe then you could have saved my soul.

I watched it falling.
Each perfect snowflake silently being laid to rest.
Forming flawlessly onto a bed of white.
The darkness surrounds me and all I can see is red.
I’ll spill my sins on this beautiful white canvas.
Lie down on the cold hard ground and hope that I too may find perfection among the rest.

And you’ll just write me off.
Pretend that none of it even mattered and that’s fine.
But you know that I know better but I’ll let it go.
I’ll walk with my head held high.
Just know that I miss you, mostly all the time.
And this pain in my chest will slowly **** me and that will be that.
We’ll share a sad smile and we'll part ways
But know that I know better and I wish you could have stayed.

Sometimes the pain doesn’t go away; you just make room for it.
But that doesn’t mean that life can’t be good or that you can’t be happy again.

When the sun goes down and everything gets quiet
The slideshow begins to play
A flashbulb memory of you dancing wildly around the piles of decay
Forever tormenting me and feeding on any bit of happiness that dares to shine through
Shining a light on you kissing her, and me kissing you…
I feel so disgusting…
I feel so used…
I feel so worthless…
It feels as though all of the love I ever gave you was abused…
The light burns my eyes
I’ve been in the dark so long
It hurts even more now that I know this has been going on all along
Did I ever mean anything to you?
Did you ever really care?
Or was I just there to fill the space?
I ask these questions, but the answers I can’t bare…
So many nights spent alone, pining for your love
Looking for just a small shimmer of hope…
Or just one kind word from you to think of…
I don’t have the heart to tell you everything…
What I did while you were gone
Sitting in the dark alone…
Praying not to make it to dawn
I keep these thoughts to myself…
It would only break your heart
After all this is our chance to make it better
This is our fresh start
Still, it eats at me everyday…
Every hour, and every second
I have to wonder if what you say is true
I have to wonder if you really meant it
Are you really ready to come home?
Or was I what you settle for?
Did you come back because you wanted to?
Or did you come back because she wasn’t an option anymore?
How will you deal with temptation?
Will you do it again?
Can we put this all behind us?
Can our hearts ever mend?
Will you make it to the top?
Or is the mountain of guilt too high to climb?
Should I try to move forward with you?
Or am I just biding time?
I’m just waiting for the hurricane to swoop in…
For it to take everything I ever cared for
Leaving me alone again…
I can’t watch you walk out that door anymore…
You are always leaving…
Leaving me behind
Your words forever haunt me
They never leave my mind…
Why would you do this to me?
Why didn’t you offer me mercy before now?
I hate what happened to us…
I want to move forward, but I don’t know how…
I don’t know how to live with everything you have done
Every broken promise ever made
Every lie you have ever spun
How do you come back from that?
How do you crawl out from the debris?
How do you forgive these trespasses?
How do you forgive adultery?

Suddenly I felt myself slipping.
Grasping frantically at any strand of sanity that could be found.
There was nothing.
I was completely and utterly alone.
The silence rang in my ears.
It whispered inaudibly but somehow I understood.
It was like a warm blanket tightly being wrapped around me.
It felt how it use to feel when you held me.
I miss you, you know?
Maybe that’s what love is.
Insanity.

I woke this morning with a heavy heart and pessimism on my brain.
I thought of all that could go wrong and has again and again.
I reached out from the darkness to pull the curtains back.
Shadows scattered feverishly, hiding from the Suns attack.
As the rays seeped in, it seared my retinas.
I felt it peer into my soul.
I was left petrified.
Stuck in this black hole.
My body feels so heavy as I comply with today’s routine.
Get up, get dressed, go to work.
Don’t forget the caffeine!
Keep up.
Keep going.
Don’t let them see.
Smile.
Laugh.
Joke.
Anything to hide the real me.
Go home.
Get ready for bed.
Have a glass of wine.
Settle back into the darkness and pretend that everything is fine.
Fall asleep to the nightmares.
The ones that sit on pause.
Scratching at my memories with their feral little claws.
Toss and turn.
Try to sleep.
Try not to go insane.
Wake up.
Repeat.
Again, Again, and again.

She’s leaving soon and she’ll take my heart with her
Care for it my dear, for it’s the only one I’ve got
Drunken evenings spent on balconies
Do you think I can fly?
Maybe tonight I’ll take a swan dive
Spread my arms and just soar
“If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh why can’t I?”
It’s 2 AM and I’m dreaming of you
Dreaming of what once was
Nightmares, really, is what I guess you would call them
Are you even alive?
This empty bed is just a reminded of all that I’ve lost
All that once was, never was, never will be
Was I dreaming this whole time?
Did I just barely awake?
Were you even real?
Maybe tonight I’ll sleep on the lawn; fall asleep under the stars
Wake up drenched in the morning dew
Maybe tonight I’ll drink myself stupid
Pass out on the kitchen floor
Maybe tonight I’ll actually fall asleep
Maybe I won’t dream anymore

The sun was shining that day, on that fateful afternoon
A perfect specimen of green and flowers full in bloom
Walk the path to the other side, to the forest dark and dreary
Along the pond of empty souls, who scream of horrific pain and furry
They will tell you the story of that fateful afternoon
The one where the life of an innocent ended way too soon
Hand in hand with a lover, eyes covered for surprise
She drunkenly stumbled over twigs and the thickness of her lies
To the middle of the darkness, where no one could hear a sound
She knew it would be years, if ever, before her body would be found
She sat her down on a stump and tied her hands and feet
Than whispered in her ear the secrets of her lies and deceit
She told her in unimaginable detail what she had been up to
The last year and a half of their relationship
All the other women and the *****
She told her how she did it in their bed with her fast asleep right by their side
Then cut a deep straight line from her rib cage to her lower intestine
She then proceeded to continue with her story, as she stitched her back together
How she had been ******* her best friend when she had said she’d stay forever
She then walked over to her bag and dug out another knife
She had no intention of quickly ending her life
She started with her back
She ran the blade straight down
Then laughed menacingly as her skin and blood fell to the ground
She tried to scream but all that came was a small yelp
A tiny little innocent thing begging for someone’s help
Through the bushes came a woman, followed by another over time
They all came to watch her end it
To play their part in the crime
To cut her up piece by piece and put on a show
Naked, ****** and bare she rose for one last blow
As she dug her hand into her chest, her love for her grew founder
She squeezed her heart as tight as she could
Until it pumped no longer
Then left her on the ground to be picked apart
She took what was left of her love, when she ripped out her heart
So as the years passed by and her hatred for humanity grew
She took on the shape of the forest killing anyone who came through
Collecting their souls in the pond filled with her blood
Hiding their bodies in the deep and filthy mud
They are the ones who speak to you of this tragedy ever so true
Be careful not to listen to long though…
Because they will come for you.

They say I have a melancholy cloud around me.
They say they see the teeth marks that it leaves, the blue marks around my neck, the black marks around my eyes.
But I don’t mind.
Wounds heal in good time, on the outside at least.
So I tuck my cloud in deeper so that they cannot see this darkness that is becoming me.
It's amazing the things we write about when we think no one is listening.

There's this pain inside of me, much worse than my mother ever warned me about.
It’s the kind of hurt that leaves you sick to your stomach, paralyzed from the neck down.
I feel it becoming a part of me.
Every time I think it's lost my trail it sideswipes me, knocking me to the ground, bruising my knees.
I fear no matter how far I run I'll never shake this feeling.
That gut wrenching ache.
That devastating realization that no matter how hard I pretend, I am not okay.

I looked into your eyes and I knew that it was time.
I reached out to touch your heart but found it was missing.
It was time for me to say goodbye.
I knew I needed to let you go.
I needed to walk out with my head held high.
I had been chasing your for miles and miles, with no respite.
And when I looked into your eyes, I could no longer see that light.
I am scared to let you go but deep down I do know that it’s time.
Isn’t it?
I fear there is nothing I can do to change your habits of flight.
And I know that to ask you to stay is not right.
Deep down I know I cannot keep you, for you are not mine.
I lost your heart long ago, but I ignored every sign.
There’s nothing I can do to change your mind.
I fear that it is time, my dear…
I wish I was the one who held your heart.
I wish I’d loved you better.
I wish I could have kept us from drifting apart.
I will love you my whole life.
I will search for you again.
But the life we have now is filled with strife.
I fear it has come to an end.
I think we could make it, if we both tried.
But your heart belongs to her.
I am not the one whom you want by your side.
So how do you move on when you don’t want to let go?
How do you cope with what you already know?
How do you say goodbye…when you only ever want to say hello?
What if we could actually make it and I gave up too soon?
What if I needed to wait till midnight…but it was only noon?
A love that started so feverishly is ending in lackluster.
One last I love you is all that I can muster.
I’m giving up what hurts me the most and brought me so much joy.
But I cannot fight this battle.
I have nothing left to deploy.
I cannot fight a battle that I know that I will lose.
I know I’m not the one you want.
I know if given the choice I would not be the one that you will choose.

Maybe it's not the nightmares keeping you awake.
Maybe it’s the memories of her smile.
Maybe it’s the way she made you feel, or maybe its just the loneliness that’s gets inside your head.
But you have to let go if you want to heal.

I watched you walk out the door, my heart in hand
Off to another town, to another woman's house
And I know you won't be home tonight but I’ll stay up anyway
In case you come around
In case you need something
I’ll always be here for you
No matter the circumstance
I made a promise to protect you
And I never break a promise

Time is running out
The clock is ticking fast
Tick tick tick
A time bomb waiting to implode
I’m just buying time
Until the hour glass has dropped its last grain of sand
No more turning it right side up and starting all over again
I don’t know how to fake it anymore
Pretend when the seasons change that she’s not on your mind
It’s spring again
The mania has returned
And I won’t stay this time
I won’t wait for the fall to come
For you to realize once again that you’ve made a mistake
Just when I think it’s over, you pull the box out again
I’ve tried to bolt it shut
I kept the key around my neck
You snuck in last night and stole it
When I woke up it was all over the floor
A picture of her flutters down
You pick it up and speak to her
You lie and say nothing was said
It’s just a secret between you and yourself
And you think if you only speak to her in your mind that it will stay that way
I’ve tried to Cauterize the wounds but you open them again and again
Leaving bigger scars than the time before
You look at me and say it’s done
Your secrets still on your breath
No matter what I do she’ll always be there
Right behind me
Breathing down my neck
— AJ Bell blogbatsinthebelfrylove

I knew that it was bad when I could barely talk myself out of bed in the morning. And when I did, I counted down the hours until I could drown my sorrows again.