Did you whisper a prayer before the roar of the inevitable end?
Should we have listened harder,
held you closer,
and tried so very much more
to persuade your troubled mind
not to let go?

I don't know.

You, in all your lightness
held me so convincingly
in oblivion of your parched spirit.
Too many years of despair, I reckon.
And too little human affinity found.

I will never know, what drove your final decision to meet the vast unknown.
It terrifies me to think
that you felt that was the only choice.
But even if I grieve that you will never
light up the world with your dazzling smile,
gentle touch,
or kindness anymore.
I see you for the brave and wondrous creature that you are.
Brave to live so far.
And brave to end it.

Nothing grows now,
the dry spell hit this summer hard.
And yet...
The gentle fragrance of all blossoms
linger in the air ever since you took your leave.

Feeling my way through the darkness.
Guided by a beating heart.
I can't tell where the journey will end.
But I know where to start.
They tell me I'm too young to understand.
They say I'm caught up in a dream.
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes.
Well that's fine by me.

So wake me up when it's all over.
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

So wake me up when it's all over.
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

I tried carrying the weight of the world.
But I only have two hands.
Hope I get the chance to travel the world.
But I don't have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young.
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is a prize.

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and
I didn't know I was lost.

All those little trinkets,
bracelets, rings and even a boombox,
that he had others bring to me,
They were all stolen goods that vexed people would come and claim back time after time.
I never had the heart to tell him to stop.
He reminded me too much of a stray cat who’d finally found a temporary home,
where he would bring tributes to
his mistress feet.

When I asked him what he was doing sleeping outside
my front door.
He blushed and mumbled,
that he would protect me from bad guys who could break in
and steal me away.
How crazy and scary of a notion was that?
And yet....
He made me think of a dancing bear who finally could scent freedom without chains.

The day
when they came to take him away.
...
I tried to tell them that he would never hurt me.
That he merely collected broken shards of scattered treasures
that deep inside him spoke about who he really was,
before the drugs castrated his future self.
Later...
When going through the rubble he left behind,
I found the glimmer of a hauberk
forged for an Avalonian knight.

The moon has turned his dark on me.
But I still beg to use his pale eyes
fetching the last glimpses of desire.
And even if you no longer care for
my morning kisses on your thighs
and my moonlight caresses in the night.
I still need to feel
the thrumming harmony
of you slipping inside my shields.
How deeply you’ve plunged into
the inner core of me.
Perfect fit and yet
a distant hologram of
a lover held in my dreams alone.

I’ll never be fulfilled.
unless I forget your splendor.
You shine, like no other.
Your bright was my ultimate high.
And within all my incapable
and impotent denial.
I did try to rub away
the golden fingerprints of you.
But now I’ve come to despair
that they will ever disappear.

Lately,
my words have hit the trash can
rather than decorating
the wall of fame.
My mind is on a constant frown,
deeply obsessed with you.
I wanted your life to be perfect,
not flawed with worries
about tomorrow.
I wanted you to reach the height
of unlimited potential.
But lately, I’ve been the one
delaying your deliverance,
creating treason and misery.
Making you less
than you were before.
Lately...
...my words tainted your soul
with disappointment.
Unmade your dreams
and disrupted the prosperity
of your wants.
Young titan - no longer mine,
Letting you go,
unchaining your heart
making you soar...

Equates...
unsurmountable  measures of pain...
...and alcohol.

Diary confessions

I’m in a vicious state of mind,
no siren calls to stem the putrid inferno
burning my mind to charcoal,
petrifying it to unblemished obsidian.
Words of love don’t reach me,
silly human endearments bore me,
touch me and I’ll slice your hands off.
It’s not good, they tell me.
But I will build my armory.
Until this warped, traitorous world
can be wrenched, twisted, hammered
back into hinges,
that I have complete control of.
Silence...
Finally

Testament of a panzer maiden

I don’t regret much what I am.
How can I regret what defines me?
The way I am is an answer to how I feel.
I am my own universe, omnipresent
and yet a mere glimpse of insignificance
in others awareness or lives.
A blip in the whole of eternity.

You may think me ignorant
even cold, that’s not the truth.
Just a reflection of me mirrored
through the stained windows of you.
You can fall in love with the image
I transcend, the spark I ignite,
the pull of my voice
or softness in my touch,
but it is just as short lived
as fireworks, a spark of light
on the endless night sky.

I am not telling you
that things don’t matter
in a life so short lived
as a human life cycle.
I do not mean,
that you should stop loving
or that you can avoid hating
even that you may stop trying
to save the world.

In fact I am saying the opposite.
Make every moment count,
live them to the fullest,
make them yours.
Savor the actions,
the laughter, the passion
even the grief, heartache or anger.
You are a drop in the ocean of time
one of many particles and yet,
the one and only.

Life is short.
Eternity is not.

If content is king,
clarity is queen.
Are you brave enough
to rule the world?

It doesn't matter
how many infatuated knights
I've brought to my table,
The hollow whisper of you
still echoes in my mind.
And the cold comfort
of sleeping with substitutes
only leaves the heart bereft.
Our flower bed tumbled
with naked leaves entwined
with Forget-me-not’s
and breathless kisses,
was never meant to turn
into a ****** killing field.
And yet it did.

There's a fear in me I can't deny.
That the memory of us
madly tearing each others hearts out,
while ripping each others clothes off
will eventually start to dissolve
like an unholy ghost in the wind.
Denial and terror at the same time.
Because what would become of me,
if my fractured soul would let
the hollow whisper to return?

Diary confessions

A last word whispered
Before we go quietly into the night.
No more stars to light our way
No more colors painting our dreams.
We loved, lived fiercely
Tumbling through storms of imagination.
Too late now for reruns
Much too late for serenades.
Ghostly hands caressing
every particle of our beings.
Chance glimmered like the morning star through veils of sensibility.
Ripping apart matter of physical logic,
Shoving reasons far, far behind doors
meant to lock out mad desires
haunting spells and sweet promises...
But
despite all the rationals
and hopeless day dreaming.
Believe me when I tell you.
You are loved.
Never forgotten.
Always my only.
And destined for
whatever your heart want.
Be true to faith
Aim high.
The answer is not to know it all
But to believe.

Legacy of Z

She resides on the street outside my office,
from sleepy mornings to crowded nights.
Apparently we share the same working hours.
The hands of Norther has begun to claw
through coats and bones with greediness.
And I worry that she might catch the cold.
Her patient resilience and humble posture,
head bowed down, hand stretched out
constricts my heart in terrified recognition.
She looks like a queen dethroned.
Where was her kingdom before this street?
She seems ageless but infinitely ancient.

I wonder...

What’s it like to watch legs pass you by,
briskly stomping away in annoyance.
How dare she remind us about the flaws of life.
That we are less human than we admit
behind our busy faces and comfortable shoes.
What’s it like begging for plated coins,
when you’ve sacrificed everything
in a foreign country digging for gold?
Humiliation convolutes my heart
every time the ignorant titter of the young
and the turned away faces of the old
depreciate her existence.

Despite my fidgeting just minutes ago
I slowed down by the corner,
searching an answer in her fathomless eyes,
The story of sacrifice is clasped in her hands,
a framed picture of a boy and a girl.
The scribble on it says: ”Please help,
me and my children are starving.”
I knelt beside her,
shyly stroking her weathered hand
before placing the hot Chai by her side
and laying down my tribute in her paper cup.
Her hand held warmth,
when grasping mine, lifting it to her lips.
The kiss and gentle blessing startled me.

Rising to my feet again and heading back
to my comfortable office...
...it started to rain.

Lace my bones with threads
that will not break.
Inhale the breath of faith
between my lips.
Hold eternity with feathers
never to restrain.
I’m still mourning the dying sun,
terrified he’ll never rise again.
And even when the blue death
of twilight takes my hand.
I still turn around
to catch a glimpse of the light
that died.

Panic attack

Even though I know,
that freedom comes with a price.
It is still freedom.

I'm off to save the world.
The only cure for someone
who don't know how to save herself.
Can the world thrive on saviours
Who are driven by demons?
I know nothing of self preservation
but my arms hold so much determination
that there should not be any question
about the outcome.
I'm off to save the world.
And I don't shed one drop of fear
about the price of salvation

I haven't really eaten in days,
but I've tasted manna from heaven.
Dancing under overcast stars,
drinking the essence of oblivion.
I haven't really tried to be sensible,
or act the reasonable way of society.
But people don't seem to care anyway.
They hunger for a smile, a touch that transfer only...
Simplicity
Unregarded affection
Payless affinity.
And so,
I live
Still roaming the treasures of life,
spending the few grains of hope
left inside me.
To find residues of love
that I might steal
From you
and you...

Hapless people
you are but one brief moment away
from swallowing the answer
of love.

I've kissed so many strangers lately,
to find you.
But the spell you've put on me,
denies them all.

It's finally spring my love.
The false promise of renewal,
hope and dreams
that survived the stark of winter war.
And once again like a zillion times before,
my mind lingers on you - my bedraggled knight.
Still reminiscing the insincere
but oh so seductive cooing
of your words whispered in desperate passion.
But every time the timbre
of that poetic song dig into
the marrow of my withering bones,
the ruthless but absolutely honest voice of it all
- my taunting, yet ever loyal sidekick - distrust
kicks back and tell me
in the clearest chime of unwedding bells,
that it was never real.
No love for real,
how hard I wanted to believe.
Believe
my heart's quest always.
Pounded down by the utmost power of knowing.
Taking down shimmering gates of roses
and mashing them all into
a weeping horrified pile of compost.
Where no new flowers will ever grow.
Fodder for black snails and spiders
to feast upon, in eager anticipation
to reach deep down, to devour
the terrified, bleeding heart
that’s buried in its rubble.
And the iron armor
cladding my spiritual self
builds stronger every day.
Polished and unbuckled.
Continuously fortifying or imprisoning me.
I move in the world effortlessly,
not one soul seeing
the tons of heavy metal
that weighs down my skinless flesh.
Bedraggled knight,
who do not know
that he still hold my fortress - my heart.
And with just one wink of the white flag
would take it all down in a rumble of tears.

The moment it suddenly hit me
that I’ve met a shedevil equal to mine
I growled,
temporarily put into a dark dungeon of torture.
She!
A much more mature woman than me,
(kindly speaking)
with a voice raspy like rusty screws
drilling into my brain.
Droning on and on, repeatedly…
Don’t you just hate people that repeat themselves over and over again to make a point?
I could literally see my dark widow wings flay in sheer rage at her persistent but utterly boring rants.
I got what she wanted… I really did.
But I would not and never will share her elitist thinking.
Hell no, and **** it to obliteration.
I’d rather walk away in brimstone and fire.
Slashing everything and everyone in my way to ash, dust and dead atoms,
before I lay my body down on their altar of stupidity.

And when I turned my tormented gaze toward that sniveling, coward of a man hunkering down beneath our war table.
Daring to smile in smug triumph…
I felt crimson violence take me over.

War is upon you all,
and you’re already dead.
you just haven’t realized it yet.

Blissful ignorance,
Dance baby dance.
Beat the pulse and lose your breath.
Wrapping my legs around native strangers.
Live it, feel it but never ever believe it.
Cristal rivers poured over my *******.
Lick it off, intoxicating truths confess.
Baoli wants all of you,
***, drugs and emptied pockets.
Pay those ghosts away in magnum bottles.
We've earned every laugh,
performed on every lonely road.
Save me no tomorrows,
tonight is all there is.
My heart is a caged blackbird,
contained in a bottle of Belver Bear.
Rohypnotic depletion of the mind,
a sleep that never dreams.
Shake awake with electronic groove.
No dark knight around to haunt me.
No maker of hope that lies.
Just a soul constrained in puppet moves.
I'm gonna do all that's bad,
To make everything back to good...

I'm in love so much in love
with my boyfriend.
His sky blue eyes, blond curls and too deep a voice makes my heart constrict in a way unimaginable.
When he sings, it's the voice of an angel.
I'm an oddball, I don't belong,
My head is filled with lyrics and dreams...
My fingers constantly draw paintings
only clear to me. And every time I strike a chord on my beloved mahogany piano, I lose myself to the sound.
My classmates avoid getting too close to me.
That's fine, I don't relate with them anyways.
Mother is a terrifying universe, so confident
reliable and unending. She builds me up and tears me down in the whim of her might.
I'm a strange bird she tells me - but in a gentle way. I think it's a good thing. She never compares me with my sister.
And I understand why. It would be unfair.
But she vows me as often as she can that I am responsible to take care of her when she
cannot.
I fly high with every stroke of my brush.
I dive low into the pits of despair when I look at the world.
So much to do...
But I believe...
I believe with my sixteen year old soul
That I will matter
Put a mark on the world
Become...

Sixteen year old me - I love you so much.

Thank you

As the tide wash over frostbitten shores
in the soon forsaken kingdom of Jack Frost.
I found my moment of solitude finally,
wrapped inside the cold breath of the norther.
The desolate requiem of terns in flight
disrupting the stillness of my mind.
Conjuring the uncalled ache of you
from my safe of forbidden memories.

As the years move everything we know
and we grow old both in heart and soul.
These memories will still be so easily stirred,
wailing for attention, just as the needy terns,
slowly moving sideways across the burning horizon.
And I will cast a spell for the wind to carry,
far across the ocean, crossing everything between us.
To finally reach you in the winter of our age
with the gentlest kiss, a forlorn whisper
telling you what went missing in our past...

...my love

I threw myself out in the pond
in an act of play
and didn’t realize
until I caught a whale
that I had embraced the ocean.

His graceful fingers softly brushed
over my thigh in a languid stroke,
sending a parade of shivers along.
Slanting him a sideways glance,
meeting blue sky experience
embedded in a roadmap of life weariness.
With a crooked smile and a raised
eyebrow he simply stated;
-Had we been born in the same era
I’d make **** sure these legs
would never walk out on me.

The imprint of his hand stayed
as a melancholic afterthought
long after I had wrapped up
the meeting and left for the airport.
Unfortunately the flight
did not include time travel,
which has been a top priority
on my wish-list lately...

******!
I also want to be able to grow a greyish beard and appear more good-looking than I ever was in my early 20s.

Maybe the reason I loath falling asleep,
is fear of waking up.
Finding out that I've lost you,
without even knowing.

She knew well how to give,
but nothing about receiving.
Leaving unfamiliar people
with a sense of warmth and reassurance,
but close ones detached
and alienated.

Mastering others is power.
Mastering yourself is strength.
What's your preference?

It is written in the runes
unveiled by the maypole ******.
When the darkest kiss
meets the storm of light
on a midsummer’s night.

The sisterhood has gathered.
Fog and dew, euphoric moves.
Chanting, flaunting ivory skin.
Feel the pull of our dance
the taunting of our calls.

Baccanal cries of ******.
Bringing down the silver tears
of falling stars to heal, to still
the wounded souls, the lost
with a swill of magic dew.

Moon daisy,
Buttercup
Count the number,
hold your tongue.
Catchfly and Baby’s breath
say naught to no one
keep the faith.
Delphinium
my steadfast knight.
Bluebell and yes,
Forget-me-not.

Gathered by the crossroad
of yesterdays and tomorrows.
Gentle flowers sacralized
s e v e n for the magic number
to seal the vow eternally
of my love everlasting.

Too soon the dawn will break.
Hurry do the last of spells.
Hop over n i n e fences
kirtle tied around my waist.
Don’t look, don’t speak
just hold my breath.

No time for sleep, not yet
I mustn’t forget the rite itself,
that will grant my dreams to unveil.
What’s written in the future
s e v e n blooms under my pillow.
and finally I’ll see...
...the one

His eyes were deep as an untasted well.
Promising endless nights of oblivion.
When he asked me what I wanted to drink
I was tempted to put him to the test.
Because I'm forever a contradiction to either common sense or recklessness.
If you tell me what I want
I will give you what you want to have.
But when the guessing game is over,
we're both left unsatisfied and needy.

Can I reinvent myself one more time?
Possibly. I am a believer of possibilities.
Shall I rise as the phoenix,
from the ashes of past choices?
Take the sky on wings
flaming with new decisions.
Shall I choose,
rebirth as empress of the sun?
Or will fate always decide my destiny,
to be the queen of rain?

I adjusted the beanie to an exact position above my brows,
leaving swallow wings arched underneath it.
Looking into the mirror one final time,
saluting the bold stare facing back
beneath sooty lashes - perfection.
The amor arc of my lips
painted a perfectly smug expression.

The buzz in the room stopped on cue
when I stepped into the war zone.
All eyes focussing...finally,
on the one person who really matter.

Hesitant smiles, some frowns
and a whole lot of anticipation...
All waiting for my next move.
In my head I hear Sia singing;
”tough girls in the fast lane...”
- the last tune I played
on my way here.

I smiled to the guy who used to be my web manager.
Turned 45 degrees and gave the older gentleman ( that I always get into heated discussions with about ”the better old days” vs life as it is today) a hug and a breathless salutation.
The lady sitting at the end of the table - a quick kiss on the cheek and a warm assurance of her invaluable presence (not).
The top manager for global communication,
- let’s sparkle a bit extra.
Stroking his chin with light fingers,
assuring him in the unspoken
about how absolutely gorgeous,
irresistible he is.

My so called team,
waiting in terrified silence for the meeting to begin.
Quiet little mice - now.
For months, their cocky, ignorant ***** have been speaking volumes
about how they would challenge conventions,
Break rules
Being rebels unheard of,
and ridiculing anyone who’d disagree
with their blown up perception
of importance.

Now they all looked at me - while chewing  chunks of humble pie.
One unified message
- Save our ******* *****!

And then, her...
The woman who've paved the way for me all along.
Teaching me the hardest lessons possible in business.
Because she cared,
she believed, and she desperately
wanted me to succeed.

I walked the few steps around the table to greet her,
folding my arms closely around her fragile frame.
And for the one and only time that morning,
I let true feelings shine through.

Someone turned the beamer on.
I let go of the dizzy spell
from 3 weeks nonstop work,
regular blood and thyroid treatments.
In my mind my demon wings flared out,
strong, potent and invincible.
And the grand piano fixated in my heart, struck the first chord...

"This past year was a roller coaster ride through the nine realms of hell — but finally you found the emergency break."

I need more heroes in my life
because it's lonely being the villain.

The fleeting life
...forever a chase

I wonder what it's like,
the gift of sleep.

I am once more
the alien bird,
stuck in a cuckoo's nest.
Wings clipped,
belly filled with responsibilities.
Seeing the sky,
but unable to take flight.

I saw the angel in the marble,
and carved until I set him free.

My world consists of an endless stream of words.
It's the choice I made
when I agreed to be part of inclusivity.
But  I ask myself constantly;
How come a lone wolf like me
would choose to be part of
human misery?
Is it because I was brought to believe
there's a quest
to shape the world differently?
To hone the me and my own thoughts
regarding togetherness
into a commitment of trust?
So, will my efforts and words,
gain your trust?

It’s like suddenly being sieged
by black water holding you down,
with one fist around your chest
and another shackling your rest.
So when you finally give in to suffocation.
Smothering screams of molestation.
Crows pecking your burning mind
while you crouch by the window,
waiting for dawn to rush in
and save the day.

Your door is bolted with iron locks
shutting out persistent, saintly knocks.
But your window on the seventh floor
knows the allure of breaking apart.
Letting you try unseelie wings:
freedom without heartstrings.
So why does that sobbing ghost,
pleading by your locked door,
still hold enough ectoplasm
to keep your body safe
but your mind insane?

Lately, I have prayed
to both heaven and hell
to lend me the power of resurrection.
So I can **** him
over and over again.

From you I only ask for two things.
To be the first to touch your heart and the last to hold it.

He is mad.
Ridiculous and so unlovable.
A posing knight
who can no longer
show brilliance of sincere feathers.
The empty drums he plays
rattle hollow and out of cue.
What do you do
with lost boys?

Inside my armor I feel
the popping and twisting of bones
grinding against old cartilage,
Built up from prolonged neglect of pressure.
I can’t really decide if it is pain or pleasure.
Last time we met before you slammed the door in my face,
you told me while pushing me against the kitchen wall:
- Lie to yourself as much as your heart can take,
but never ever lie to me.

I wanted infinite recognition.
The kind of power that is unquestioned.
Fused by desires running wild, uncontrollable and mad with jelousy.
I needed to see what havoc could be created by mere existence, and to choose by whim who to grant toxic grace of body, passion and darkness.
Can it all end in a final night of no survivors?
A patchwork design of scars and mutilation?
My question still remains.
Is there a hero to resurrect an angel monster born?
Turning a lesser god into salvaged humanity?

I only want to love you,
for the shortest of time,
since moments are the only thing we will remember.
Unaccounted blips in eternity.
You don't know me.
Have never met me.
Talked to  me,
or felt me.
Does that make loving one another impossible?
I hope not.
Because it might be the only chance we hold
if we believe in destiny.

I've always longed for
the idea of letting go.
And truly go mad.
That must be so insanely relieving.

Little man,
You've been the one unreserved,
to give unconditional love.
Your legacy leave me desolate,
bereft and once more re-awakened.
Today I give the last rites
to follow you half-way
to the end of your journey.
And what haunts me the most
beside the hollow pit in my heart is -  did I give you enough tenderness, devotion and proof of your place in my life?
To make you happy,
content and fulfilled?
Too late now to remedy anyhow.
Still, I'm wrapping your now cold body in the cloth of our memories and sing you to sleep for the last time.

I found him
hidden inside the closet.
That's what safety looks like.

I envy the overarching morning light, her ability to travel any place. The affinity to marry day with night. Being the rising sun for the falling rain.
Darkly jealous I want to stake my claim, with shattering storms unquenched,
but I let her touch your body anyway.
She'll caress it softer than I ever can or would.
And if she awakens you with love aroused from dreams clenching secret gasps.
Know it's my thoughts carried through to you...

Torrents of my dark and molten heat ripping sense and traitorous heart apart.
You're brandished like a tattoo on my soul. I've imprinted the silhouette of you.
And in the bleak of the forfeited night.
She'll bring your touch for me to hold. A treasure for cold and lonely nights to keep,
when your embrace will be the only ember that can warm
my sobbing winter's bones.

So did I worship you enough?
Did I compose a love story in dreams
that could rip time and universe apart?
I hope I might...
Since I could draw the map of you by heart. Your skin forever branded on my lips,
and the taste of your whispers forever shaped on my tongue.

He is the volcano
erupting blazing heat
that could either destroy you
or initate rebirth - love born out of ash.