Flowered walls and pictures with scenes

of young girls
Only dressed to be seen.

A record player and a too large bed

A lonely girl who was lost in her head

She was waiting
Waiting
Waiting

For a savior

And not the Jesus that her father gave her..

Her religion became
Books
Music
Thoughts

Anything that could take her away
From those four walls.

From the nothing
That was
Every.
Single.
Day.

Like a shell

Wandering halls
And bus isles

Empty hallways
That were her home

A tiny
Small spirit
Who was all alone.

Nothing changed.
There was no one and nothing to find.

The thing that she looked for

Was only in her mind.

Lately I've been wondering.
Am I happy with what  I have?

I don't mean clothes
and shoes
and gadgets

Am I happy with life?

I think so,
but how can one truly know?

Isn't 'happiness' just a mere emotion.

A fleeting second of contentment

Of having every nerve in your being
Feel ALIVE

And if you really think about it
Isn't happiness a little selfish at times?

Having something happen to YOU
that makes YOU feel good
and therefore 'happy'

Happiness is humanities selfish drug.

Because in the end
Aren't we all just chasing the next high?

Thoughtless words flow from your mouth
And to me it sounds mangled and garbled
Some language that I've not yet learned

Some days i can make out what your saying
Usually in the morning
When the monster in you still sleeps.

But everyday he begins to stir
And I know that soon he will have taken over.

And then you ARE the monster
And whatever pieces of you I thought were salvageable,
Have vanished and I'm looking for an escape route

Anyway out will do
As long as I don't have to hear the words which you once spoke,
So clearly and sweetly,
Spewing out like a hot geyser
Unintelligible and broken.

What went wrong along the way
For you to so fully embrace
A monster that would soon inch into every corner
Of your life, stealing everything precious to you
And collecting them together with it's ugly claws
Balling them up and swallowing them into it's ugly black heart.

What made you love that monster
More than your own offspring?
What made you love that monster
More than yourself?

I've learned how to live with him
I've learned he's a part of you now
But no matter all the time that passes, I cant understand him.

His words, actions, thoughts.

And maybe that's why I cant help you rid yourself of him.

But when I can fully understand

I'm going to take that bottle he's been living in
And smash it into a million pieces.

Whispers bounce around the room
One whisper after the next
Trapped between four walls for a lifetime

Whispers of things that have happened
Shameful things, that can only be spoken in hushed voices

Years pass and the whispers accumulate
like dirt in some old abandon home
One whisper atop another
Until it's too much

And all those small, quiet whispers
Have turned into loud shouts, screams
And pleas to be let out

But they can't be free'd
Because every hushed voice
Every thoughtless, shameful whisper
Would be let out with a scream for the world to hear

And some things are better left unheard
Some things are better left in the dark,
to bounce around through time
Quietly
Where not a soul can hear.

His hands are stained blood red
From the beating of my heart.

He holds it at all times
Cherishing it
Showering it with love

He is my hearts keeper.

Never once has he let it fall
Or seen it slip from his grasp

He holds tight to it,
Afraid he may see it with someone else

But never would I let my heart
be held in another's hand.

Your my peach.

I bite into you
Because your delicious
And sweet
And filling

My face
Covered in your juices

I wipe the juice away.

Just one more bite
And I'll have eaten
all of your best parts.

But I don't want your pit
So I throw it away.

In close  quarters I sat
Pondering my days of longevity
Oh, how the days do seem to pass

And how can I even use the term 'longevity'
Twenty six years and my life has only begun

But some grow old long before their time
And the days begin to slide one into the other

And I wonder, is this how everyday shall come to pass?
The night comes to a close
And then the week comes to a close
And eventually years come to a close
And finally im old and my life has come to a close as well?

Can we never escape the old wise father of time?

I'd like to believe that every minute isn't watched
That even free time isn't run on a schedule
But eventually every time is up
And when it comes I'll be ready

My time will have been expired
But not in haste
For every prophecy I have ever dreamed of
Will have been fulfilled

She had fire in her heart!

Passion

In her soul.

And even as she aged
Her heart, never grew old.

Her life was lived
Teetering,
Almost falling,
Off the edge.

But that's how she liked it
That's how she CHOSE it.

As she grew
Aged
Lived
Loved

That fire in her heart grew

Stronger
Deeper
Brighter

And even when her hair grayed

And her body ached

She never lost the burning

Thump
Thump

Of the fire
In her heart

She had fire in her heart!

Passion

In her soul.

And even as she aged
Her heart, never grew old.

Her life was lived
Teetering,
Almost falling,
Off the edge.

But that's how she liked it
That's how she CHOSE it.

As she grew
Aged
Lived
Loved

That fire in her heart grew

Stronger
Deeper
Brighter

And even when her hair grayed

And her body ached

She never lost the burning

Thump
Thump

Of the fire
In her heart

Again I am walking to my favorite spot.
An open gorge that has eaten peoples pain for centuries.

I sit and pick a forget-me-not
And remind myself that today, I am not here for my agonies.

I am here today for meditation,
I am here today for thought.
I see the universes beautiful creation
And find what my soul besought.

A water fall
And smoothly cut rock.

This gorge; a big bowl with walls.
It's beauty hits at my heart with a knock.

Right now
I will be happy.

Right now
I will be calm.

And from my soul I'll pull my thoughts
Where they will perish
Into mother nature's earthen ***.

Long days filled with laughter,
I was always happy to be with you
Even if it was just for a car ride to the store.

You taught me so much.

Unfortuantly, my brain wasn't a sponge back then.

Instead, it was a hard rock
Or better yet, a ball of rubber bands
Tightly wound and great at deflecting anything that was good for me.

The first time I left was also the first time I ever saw you cry.

A grown man
Sobbing and emotional.

I thought things would never change.

After all, you've always been a phone call away.

But distance turned into more than miles

Distance became the pain that I talk about now when I'm drunk.

It became our undoing.

It became a part of me that I never wanted.

It's been ten years
And I still haven't found the bridge back to us.

Skin so soft, like a baby, smooth to the touch
I love to sit and run my fingers up and down your back, or your arm, or anywhere really.
But your not a baby, you’re a man
A man who knew hardship and struggle
long before you knew what it was to enjoy the finer things in life.

My heart jumped and my eyes could not look away from you the first time we met.
With your shirt off on a hot summer day,
your smooth skin enticed me before I even knew who you really were.

And here I sit two years later, thinking back on that first day
When our love had just began, how much I already loved you in those first few moments.

And I wonder, how can one man be so **** good?
You never raise your voice or berate me,
you only show your undying love for me.

And maybe that’s why I so often push you away,
because Ive never known a love so pure.
Ive never had one man, or person for that matter, love me so wholly the way you do.

I couldn’t imagine my world without you,
yet I never fail to let you know how much better my life would be without you in it.
Maybe I don’t know how to love, or maybe I don’t want to be loved,
Maybe I want you and everyone else to hate me, just as I hate myself to my very core.
I pray everyday that I can be as women as you are man.
That I can wear my heart on my sleeve as you do.

That I can tell you my real feelings,
that I can tell you, you are my world.

But then you would know,
And I would be left open like a book, and vulnerable.
Maybe one day, when I'm ready of course, I’ll let you in and let you fully see who I really am
One lost soul among a million, tainted and imperfect.

Until then I love you more than you can know, even though I never let those emotions show.
I love you, I do.

Who are we?

What a vague question
And yet, it is THE question

We are beautiful
We are ever changing

We are sad
and happy

Despicable
and disgusting

We pick people up
just to devour them between our greedy claws

We want, we want, we want

What the **** do we want?

Love
Compassion
Acceptance

And yet....

We are human