why can't it be 2 o'clock if I declare it to be so,
if I have no commitments or stressors
nothing of time importance to do
then why can't it be two

why can't I declare it to be 2 o'clock
if no one's impacted but me

why can't I declare it to be 2 o'clock
when war could be declared at five

Arm wrapped around my neck
laughter encased my ears
skipping as you do,
out the school gate.
Her bright smile
did glow like the sun
her warm eyes
were stars dancing gracefully.

As children we did play together
giggling all days long
now together still
we enjoy our short time
the minutes we sneak between revision
are my favourite of all.

I walk through the forest
A single set of footprints
Imprinted in the wet mud

A solitary bird
Swoops beside me
Before flying towards it's family

A lone squirrel
Runs up the tree I rest beside
Hoarding it's nuts for its winter nap

A single slug
Chasing a leaf blowing in the wind
Which I carefully place infront of it

Ants march all together
Supporting eachother through the water
Together they all march
I wish I was one too
So I'd never again walk by myself

I'm alone now
not only in my room

isolated by my 'friends'
with no one to discuss with

so I sit on my phone
writing to no one

how do you change so quickly
the eyes once filled with warmth
are now stones
that look through me

am I a ghost?
someone that you wanted to leave your life
but it's somehow impossible

your smile used to be the real
and I used to support you when it was not
now I look past you too
because you couldn't fix your mistakes
so the only way to get rid of them,
was to get rid of me

I picked up a leaf today
on my walk home
it was yellow and red
among the browns and oranges
it seemed to glow

I lifted it from the crowd
thinking to bring it home
before then considering what it wanted
was it friends with the leafs surrounding it?
or was it like me, alone
waiting for someone to notice, to help?

I halted in my path
trying to feel what it was willing me to do
after great thought,
I decided it had friends to return to

placing it as closely as I could from where I took it
so it could be with it's companions,
I took photos to remember it's beauty,
promising it that I would capture it's beauty
in a painting
so it could always be remembered
so it felt cared for
even if I hadn't done what it had hoped

I would stand on the playground
whilst we did make believe
they would be princesses, I would too
with a gender neutral name though
my favourite of which was Alex

I'd declare that my future child
would have a neutral name
the happiness in my grin would shine
knowing I'd let my child be themselves

In silence I would wish I'd named myself,
as I didn't resonate with my own.

I wonder how different things would of gone
had I been taught what non binary was
had I knew it was an option.
I don't think I would of hated myself
despised my body or resented my parents

I don't think I would have felt the need
to criticise my skin
to eventually harm it
to change it because I deserved it,
I was not who I was supposed to be.

buzz, buzz
the bees used to sing
tweet, tweet
the birds would call

media does buzz
twitter does tweet
the worthless leader
who's would does crumble
with one critic
to their fragile identity

buzz, tweet
phone, twitter
the old World does know
simplicity has power
gone will it be
just as the bees

I spent so long staring at the clouds,
I forgot the sun existed.

I decide to conquer the maze
A labyrinth sprawled ahead of me
LEFT
I run around brisk corners
hope sleeping out my heart
RIGHT
my stride is strong and fast
my hair blowing in the wind
RIGHT
but I halt rapidly
the path drawing to an end
I turn around and continue my run
but am faced only by dead ends
is there really any way through
or is this all a hopeless endeavour?

They want you to be asleep when you drown.
Not to spare you the pain
which they could easily stop the cause of.
Not to make you peaceful
as they are the cause of this stress.

They wants you to be asleep when you drown
so you won't swim away,
so you won't try to stop him,
so you die quickly
causing no extra hassle to them.

Will you be asleep when you drown?

the rivers ran dry
the soil crumbled
the plants grew wilted
the insects fell from the sky
in starvation
the hedgehogs struggled,
the squirrels too

'cause all the waters gone
I cried it for you

The words I say feel fake
as they pour out my mouth,
a river of assurance
hiding a false facade

My days are filled
with hoping my mask never falls,
but it's glass anyway
that attempts to conceal my face

My cheeks rosey red
as I grind my teeth together,
a pit of worry in my stomach
turns my mind over

What if all of life is just faking it?
Struggling to get through the mess
tripping over dilemma after dilemma
rumbling through problems and disappointments
just come out with a fake smile
a grin that seems to meet their eyes at the corners
a grin that only they know isn't real
that hides all they suffer through
just for a few hours
before they are alone and go through it all over
again.

My heart aches
pain spilling over
watering the plants
that grow in the dirt above you
as flowers do sprout

I pick them
you never were a fan
of how they swayed gently in the wind
tethered by roots to the ground
you preferred to move wild and free
and though your body can no more,
I feel your soal with me
so I do run along with you

I loved you enough,
didn't I?
that if it could bring you back,
it would

I'd hug you tight then see your tail wag,
my heart would leap
doing somersaults in my rib cage
as not a single part of me
would feel despair anymore

my grandma visited a year ago
I think about it regularly
reminiscing on our joint memories

she'd never visited before
she said this might be her last chance
I assumed she meant to visit
that she would get too old to travel

but when her hug lasted  two seconds longer
than I thought it should

but when I saw her eyes glisten
in the dim hotel light

but when her voice cracked
as she said 'goodbye'

I wondered if she didn't in fact mean that
this would be the last chance for her to visit
and instead it would be her last chance to see me

her granddaughter.

It wasn't that she was dieing
but we were never that close
not enough for me to make the trip to visit
a burden I always took on myself
even though she was the adult
with a phone she could call me on,

suddenly her efforts felt not enough,
and a little too late.

A hand cradled my heart
holding on tight
it's palm faced upwards

A hand held my heart together
as it shattered slowly
fragments falling to the floor

A hand clung on to my heart
it was grief
wrapping it's long boney fingers round my beating muscle,
still two pieces were taken
not stolen,
not given away,
two parts of my heart disappeared

never to be seen again.

I used to scrawl my words on paper
writing twisting lines until my hand ached,
turning grey from the pencil lead

I liked how the scribbles showed my work
erasing and reforming
until I thought I'd found the correct words

Now I write onto my phone,
tapping buttons on my notes app,
deleting my mistakes with ease

What does it take to be heard
I was always taught that it was talking
both clearly and respectfully,
wiping the emotion from your voice
so they never know how they heart you,
the truth of what they did.

I've never been heard though
when I try to do as I was told,
my discussions only called for
when it's accompanied by tears,
until those are seen
I'm invisible and trying is futile

I believed I was better
sitting high upon my perch
my back as straight as a ruler
as I glowed with pride

peering down at others around me
I'd smirk in self assurance
as sure as I was that I was the best,
I was sure that others were worse

so when I fell off my chair
just to find myself the same height as others,
realising we always were the same
just from a different perspective

I screamed and wailed
that there was no way it was true
until I swallowed my emotions
realising I'm no better than you
than my family, my friends
the characters on my TV,
the musicians all over the news,
than my former self
who had no place to sit

I feel hollow
like some scooped pit my guts
stole my beating heart
threw it on the ground

when did they stop caring for me?
for my feelings.

I love being home alone

The peaceful knowledge
of having no expectations placed onto you

The welcoming silence
of solely your own voice and opinions

The loving embrace
of the warm air all to yourself

I love being home alone
Just me and the walls
But sometimes it gets dark
The sun setting early
The air becoming stiffer
Aware of my idleness

my brain holds my tears hostage
my emotions huddled all together
in a pile at the back of my mind
logic refuses to negotiate
not letting a deal be found
for it knows if I get caught
with red eyes and puffy cheeks
I'll have to answer to the cops
that watch TV downstair

lonelys a state not a feeling
it's a sense of being
that flows in your veins
consuming your whole body

it's not temporary or easily fixed
and somehow we all seem to be lonely
at one point or another
yet were all still alone together

I think I'm sad but I was never good with emotions
you know? I always get lost when navigating them.
My compass must be off, wonky maybe
Or my emotions change too quickly
the second I get close, they're gone.
Always just too far for me too reach.

Why can't it be simpler? Like when I was younger.
Sad, happy, anger, boredom
that's the main four, I think.
Now there's so many all mixed into one
that I no longer know my lefts from my right

I miss how we used to be
when we would laugh
smiling with pure joy
trust and love

that's all lost now
it's never coming back

If I had a choice
Would I still be political
Would I still root for justice
equal opportunities for all

If I had a choice
Would I still care
Would I see the poverty
struggles of everyday people

If I had a choice
Would I still believe in everyone's right to a voice
Would I still support everyone's basic rights
If I was a rich straight man

But I'm not
So hypothetically it doesn't matter
Cause I am who I am now
And I'm not rich
And I'm not straight
And I'm not a man.

I miss you everyday
These constant reminders dig into my brain
Like thousands of miners
Deep underground

I miss you all the time
Wishing you were here with me still
Longing to hug you
One last time

I miss you more then ever
Even after almost a year
The pain radiates in every beat
Of my still alive heart

which way do you turn
when you don't know what's on either side
of the dessert path
both could be a pool of gleaming water
both could be dry land forever

stuck in indesision
I peer down both walkways
unable to move my feet
with only one day to make my decision,
the clock ticking away

I wish I didn't care
that innocents die whilst I write stupid poems
that human lives are treated as despensable
that people suffer death over petty disputes
in a world run by toddlers

I wish I could live in ignorance
that I did not know the worlds struggles
that people starve in poverty
whilst I make a mess of baking cupcakes
that animals are beaten and abandoned
humans abused

I wish I didn't care
I wish I had the attitude of the rich
in their posh gold thrones
with the power to end the problems
but no will to

'Its just a phase'
words we've all heard
throughout our young life
but those letters hide silent homophobia
they portray gayness as a passing fad
a trend of the youth
a ploy that will fall away
before we are grown

but we'll always be here
add we have been forever
in the spinster maids and roommates
who's legacy we all protect
in times of both deafening and silent homophobia

The justice systems broken
****** should have a longer sentence then assault
but somehow in the punishment of people
morals were forgotten
people were no longer human
these questions of morality were lost
in laws that looks as though written by robots
now dictate the outcome of human lives

What if your murdering a ******?
That should have a shorter sentence
then if your assaulting an innocent individual
the justice systems broken
I know that to be true
I hope you do too

How does a keyring hold this many memories
it's looped onto my childhood
dangling not by the keys but the belt

It's textured but not really fluffy
its pink and in the shape of a pig
that wears sparkling disco ball shoes

Id give them to my friends
a momentum of our connection
my only way to showing how much I cared
as words were too difficult to bare

I don't believe I'm life after death
not any kind,
not ghosts or gouls,
not spirits and soals.

Anyhow I like to imagine your here
sleeping peacefully on your chair,
I talk to you as if you were
when I bump into you and apologise,
when I wake you up and say
'go back to sleep my little baby cat'

I don't believe in live after death
not any kind but still I pretend
that your here with me as I talk to the air,
A sliver of my heart believes it to be true,
I let it think that.

I still see the scars sometimes
even though they're faded know,
when I'm cold and my skin gets paler
I see their ghosts
where they used to line my arms
like guards, they thought they were helping me
instead they were a runway
to the final act which I had no nerve to perform
lucky, isn't it?

Still I see you, trying to free the emotions
Helplessly trapled inside my flesh
maybe I could rip them out
makeover that would cause my heart to stop beating

I found the teddy
that I named after you

it's fur is still fluffy
even though it's aged and *****

it's eyes bright blue
just how urs sometimes were
not always though, you had green too

I hug this toy
holding it as tight as I can
squishing it against my chest
kissing it's head

wishing it would turn in to you

my beds a monster
with layers of warmth
heat emanating from within,
it's steady breathe
lungs rising and falling
rocks me too sleep,
it listens carefully with it's round ears
absorbing my tears and worries
to store deep within

sometimes my bed gets angry,
it's jaw opening wide beneath me
threatening to swallow me whole,
refusing to relinquish it's hold
as my screams are muffled in it's pillows

When guns are being shot
bombs being dropped
people screaming in pain
wailing in sorrow and desperation.
I lie in my bed
my feet tucked under the covers
to protect me from the imaginary monsters
the ghouls, ghosts and skeletons
the cyclopes with thick spiky hair
in pink, green, purple and orange.
Unbeknownst to me all these years
they werent hiding underneath my mattress
or lurking in the shadows inside my wardrobe
instead they sit in court rooms and offices
in conferences to decide the fate of millions
who they do not value
who they disregard without a second thought
they introduce the rules we follow
the values we believe
then they go out for a beer.
They bomb the countrys they think are dispensable
whilst dancing in a club
hoping we won't make a peep
yet even if we did protest
they know there's nothing we can do
cause we do not hold the power, they do.

My paintings come to life
Springing off the paper
Pulling their self in to the real world
that I pay to escape

dancing around my room
they leap and frolic
before my sleeping face and dormant eyes
my dreams full of colour
felling that my art is with me

My life would be complete
If I were to die right now
All because of this song
That has blasted in my ears
for only the past twelve minutes
but I'm sure I'll listen to it for another hour
before I finally drift to sleep
with the music still in my ears
so if I didn't wake up
as least I died happy

I don't know how many understand this feeling
the notes connecting with your soal
so they sing in harmony
as a wave of relaxation crashes over you
to the beat of this rhythm
that you'll sure you'll never forget
so that when your sixty
you'll tap your feet the same as you do now
and feel this joyful emotion
in your final waking hours
because I don't think I'll ever connect to anything more than I do to this melody

I miss when my heart ached in every beat
how it spread the pain through out my limbs
reaching the tips of my fingers and toes
it made the pain feel less somehow
as it was diluted into my blood,
it would be there, mixed in, forever
but at least I couldn't always feel it

my heart can no longer do this
it stopped beating when you left

I write in a notebook most of the time
It's cover is dark blue waves
that dance across the fabric

It used to inspire me
the way I imagined they would move
gracefully lapping the shore

Now the four walls confine me
constricting my words
strangling them so they fall lifeless

"bring back bullying"
except it never left
it evolved and grew
like a wild vine
left unchecked

"bring back bullying"
except I bet you never
cried before school
the night and morning before
never getting a break

I've never been bullied by another
I've never bullied any person
except myself maybe
as for years I did torture myself
criticising my every movement
my every thought and decision
then it became physical,
as that's the way the story always goes

words fall out my mouth,
finding no ears to cling on to
they tumble to ground

climbing up from the dusty floor
where it had never been
until you boarded up the path

they scramble up your jeans
clinging to the rough surface
up towards your bright top

Infront of your eyes they rest
seen by no one as they hide in plain sight
your pupil too focused on the past

circling your head
they search hurriedly for an entrance
but it's too late
you jump into the deep end
and don't come up for air

why do I always have nightmares?
when darkness overtakes the sky
it envelopes my head as well
with fantasies of death and horror

whilst others dreams of daisies
in warm flowing fields,
of waves gently lapping
about the shore

why do I jump from sleep
when my nightmares pop
in a cinematic ******,
whilst others wave goodbye
to the bunnies and mice
as they drift towards walking,
ready for their day ahead

I lost my friends
I still get their messages
I still type out a reply
out of formality if anything

At this point I don't know why I try
when they so carelessly discard my feelings
saying they're too busy to meet up
then sending me pictures of them together
whilst I sit at home alone
not even ten minutes away

I remember seeing the therapist,
she always had an optimistic smile
painted onto her face,
her hair was grey in a way that shone
like a hopeful beacon,
her eyes sparkling with silver
like a medal I had yet to achieve

but as we talked I saw her grin flicker
into a disappointed frown,
her short strands of hair
grew frazzled and confused,
worst of all her eyes changed

I've never felt smaller then I did then,
under her pitiful gaze.

i don't want to face my feelings
they're too strong now to bare
they punch my heart
and beat up my brain til I can no longer think

poetry forces me too face them
so this passion now fades
despite my fighting
,forcing the sadness into letters,
as the emotions swarm inside
a whirlpool of a lost desire to face tomorrow

tears pushed by my brain
they overstayed their welcome
they're now locked outside