I just miss you
I just want to scream at you
Why can’t you see me for all that I am
Why did you leave me in the spotlight alone
The anger turns to sadness
Rivers erode my cheeks
I saw you for the first time in months
I was fine until then
But you looked at me in the same way
As the first time we met
Those big brown eyes
That shy crooked smile
How could I not fall for you all over again
No words were spoken
The lump in my throat tightened its grip
My vocal chords silently gasped it’s final hum
My heart fell to the floor right in front of you
And you did not notice
My practiced smile the perfect disguise
But my eyes still give away the ending

I stare at the green dot next to your name
I pray to something I don’t even believe in just for a “Hi”
I told you I needed time
**** I don’t know what I want or what I need
I need you
I. Need. You.
Twenty five minutes in and that green dot is still there
I’m still staring, waiting, hoping for the ellipsis
The signal that I’ve crossed your mind.
I stare at the green dot next to your name
I promise myself not to message you first
But I know what the reality is if I don’t
We become nothing but strangers,
The perfect somebodies we used to know.
That green dot is still there
I break my promise
I pretend like the last thing I sent you wasn’t a confession of my heart.
Forty two minutes go by and active now is ever so prominent.
My messages go unread,
From the tap of a keyboard we’ve gone from talking everyday like it were our last
To never breaking silence.
Who knew it would actually be our last.
Your finger print is etched into my heart,
But I have so much left to say.
As the minutes roll by and that green dot glows
I hope for any form of acknowledgement
But it never comes, that green dot disappears.
In that moment I know
We already became strangers
The perfect somebodies we used to know.

Should I have kissed you? You see I got that vibe, what I mean is you consume my every thought,
When you smile the world stops.
My heart resembles a hummingbird, and by that I mean when I see you it’s still and fast all at once.
Was that a date? what I mean is I was expecting a third person but you came alone, you gave that look and said ‘I got this babe’.
Conversation is easy and it’s in those moments I realise we fit better than Lego.
Do you see more than just my size?
You asked ‘what do big girls drink’, I replied with wine, but what you missed was my heart loosing its wings and  hitting the floor.
Of course a few weeks later I learn about another girl
A few weeks later I learn you knew how I felt all along
A few weeks later I am standing in front of you pretending everything is fine
A few weeks later I am standing in front of you feeling like glass hitting concrete flooring
A few weeks later I confess to you how I feel
A few weeks later my fitness planner is scolding me because I have stopped eating
A few weeks later I fear the last words you say to me are “don’t worry ***”

Who do you think you are!
You clawed your way between my breast
Picked away through my rib cage
Grabbed my heart with both hands
Occupied every inch of it
Claimed me as your own to everyone but me
Guarded away the interest of others

Who do you think you are!
You didn’t even attempt to close the wound
Abandoned my love on a shelf
Left to gather dust
Left to find it’s own way back
So I ask

Who do you think you are?
Cause you’re not the “big” man you’ve fooled everyone else into believing.

I feel like I should be sadder,
But instead I feel pity
Not for me, but for you.
I immerse myself
In every pin pricked emotion you made me feel
I realise it’s not me that’s lost anything
It’s you who has lost
Forever goodbyes come at anytime
This isn’t one that I’ll be saddened by

You see what’s happened is
I’ve become the last resort
The one who asks if you wanna hang out
Response always met with, let’s see
The one who has to wait so you can find something better
I spend so much of my time alone now
And I’m so tired from always trying
I’m seen as the tough one
The one that’s always okay
So no one asks if I am okay
If I mentioned that, hey things are pretty tough
The subject is quickly changed
Because how dare I show any other emotion than fine
I am not like that unbreakable marble surface you brag about getting installed
Nor will I just wait and see
I’m as fragile as fractured glass
Already broken but ready to damage

I don’t know how to explain this strange euphoria feeling
Spun with a burn not too dissimilar to cinnamon
As the what ifs fade, I try to cling with finger tips stretched as a last attempt to convince myself that what I felt was real.
I don’t know how to explain the weight lifting off my shoulders,
All the while I am being suffocated
Like rain fall from silver lined clouds the haze of spring penetrates my eyes to remind me
I am still alive

For a moment it went back to normal
Chatting about nothing
Laughing about stupid little things
But that moment was brief
I know why you’ve dropped me
You’re covering up your girlfriend with
“Sorry girl... I’ve been busy lately”
I hope you’re happy and I wish you well
But I’ve noticed I’m not the only friend you threw
I suspect the decision was more hers than yours
I wonder how long it can truly last being with someone who doesn’t trust you
I hope she doesn’t hurt you
I hope you know I’ll always be a friend to you

I miss you
Now and always
I missed you yesterday
And for all future tomorrows
I shed a tear
Just for a moment
And resume my life to before you.
But still
I miss you

Like a volcano ready to erupt
The pressure inside of me is starting to build
My jaw clenched shut
My trembled breath
The warning earthquake

You took advantage of my kindness
You handled me as though I were a dead rose
For now my thorns will have your back
But in time they will cut you deeper

Like lava cascades down the mountain
The tears you induced burn my flesh
For now I’ll let them, to keep us alive
But in time they’ll dry and you’ll be only a memory

And I, a newly formed landscape

I find myself going about my days as I did before you,
The tears you drew from my eyes
The flutters of laughter
My echoed heartbeat,
Just memories
I don’t think about you anymore
Or wonder how you’re doing
If you think of me
If you miss me
I, don’t miss you.
I have forgotten your face
Your voice
Your smile
You are just a stranger now,
A somebody I used to know.

Carafes of blood red wine decorate the table
The crowed softly mingle
Candle light delicately flickers
As you pass, you brush your hand along my thigh to lower back
A brief moment of eye contact
A mischievous smile
A bottom lip bite
Excitement extrudes
I’ve lost track of the people talking at me
I make my excuses
I follow
Into a dimly lit room
The heavy door shuts
Just us
A place where fireworks fly

What I’d give to go back and start again with you.
Cherish that side grin and wink
Feel your warming embrace
Laughing at stupid little things
What I’d give to go back to how things were.
Never admitting to you how I felt
Cause having you just as a friend, well,
Is so much more than this silent goodbye
I swipe through our conversations
Trying to pin point the moment it all went wrong
The moment you chose to fade away
And I feel like an idiot for missing you this much
We’ve only known each other six months.
But it feels like a life time
I let you know the parts of me I don’t talk about.
Now you’re gone
I’m left wondering if you ever think of me,
If you ever miss me,
If my secrets are safe with you,
If you’ll ever say goodbye
What I’d give to go back and start again
If only you knew.

A fire is burning
The foundations are breaking
The walls are falling
The smoke is asphyxiating
You are the building
My heart
The arsonist

They say when you meet the one you’ll know
That from the moment your eyes meet
Everything falls into place
A weight lifted off your shoulders
Singing, this is it

From the moment our eyes crossed
I felt everything all at once
I knew you were all I ever wanted
I still feel that
I still know that

You’re not there right now
You don’t see what I can
How good us can be
So for now I’ll wait until your heart is ready
Because my heart tells me it’ll always be us