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Dec 8 · 246
The girl they want
Birdie Dec 8
Always the back up girl
Never the girlfriend
Always the second choice
Never the happy end
Always the background noise
Never the chart hit
Always his favourite secret
Never his ‘this is it’
I’m always the girl they want
But never the girl they need
Always wishing for more
They never hear my pleas
Dec 8 · 31
Guilty
Birdie Dec 8
I thought I’d feel empowered
Maybe better
Perhaps superior
But no
I just feel guilty
Like maybe I should tell her
Like perhaps it’s my fault
That her love isn’t true
He’d prefer me to you
God I feel so *****
Nov 24 · 94
Worse fates
Birdie Nov 24
There are far worse fates
Than being alone.
To watch myself grow
Maid, mother to crone.
I could waste all my years on the
Same shallow man,
And skip into hell all
Whilst holding his hand.
I could forgo my passions
For his every whim,
And save all my smiling and love
just for him.
I could bury my future beneath
Soil and stone.
That’s a far worse fate than
Just being alone.
Reminding myself that every version of my loneliness is better than being with the wrong person, in the wrong place.
Nov 1 · 131
Sacrifice
Birdie Nov 1
I sell myself so cheap,
Give my soul for so little,
In hopes that I might keep,
A half loved love so brittle.
In handing him my body,
I am weakening my mind,
And in keeping saying sorry,
I leave myself behind.
I wish that I could hate him,
And remember who I am,
But dangerously I love him,
I’m his sacrificial lamb.
He’s killing me,
But I like it,
I’m dying,
I am.
Oct 25 · 359
Old habits die hard
Birdie Oct 25
It’s been said that old habits die hard
But how hard do I need to try
To make this old habit die?
The lengths I’ve gone to
In order to forsake you
The conclusion I have come to
This habit won’t die till I do
I think I’ll be stuck with you forever
Oct 24 · 32
You can’t just
Birdie Oct 24
You can’t just create a person
Then leave them alone.
I scream silently at
My father, my
Lover and
My life.
You can’t just make me like this
Then tell me that I’m crazy.
I scratch at the walls of
My apartment, my
Mind and my
Prison cell.
You can’t just love someone then
Treat them like they’re nothing
I whisper to my happy
Memories, my exes
And myself.
Oct 24 · 43
Mr future
Birdie Oct 24
I hope he’s kind
This future of mine
I hope he’s clever
Loses his temper never
I hope he’s a man worth loving
I hope he’s sweet
I hope he comes to me running
Will I know when we meet?
Oct 12 · 296
Prove me wrong
Birdie Oct 12
I
Am
Just
Dying for
Somebody to
Finally prove me wrong
Oct 12 · 34
Furious
Birdie Oct 12
God I’m so angry
I’m never the one
I’m always just one
On a list.
Wow I am furious
It never works out
I just work hard
And end up with ****.
**** I am livid
Why isn’t it me?
Me who’s loved and lived for
and kissed?
Jesus Christ I have never been madder
At all the things I don’t have
And have missed.
Sep 29 · 47
She just wanted
Birdie Sep 29
She just wanted to be loved
She just wanted a child
She just wanted a home
She just wanted to smile
She just wanted to be safe
She just wanted some calm
She just wanted to feel good
She just didn’t want harm
She just wanted to be happy
She’s just sick of the crimes but she knows
No’one has loved her in a very long time
Sep 29 · 43
Silly girl
Birdie Sep 29
Silly girl
You did it again
You trusted the empty
Words of men
Stupid woman
Will you not ever learn?
That kisses from fire
Will never not burn
You ridiculous child
Must you feel this again?
Lonely and quiet and
Missing a friend
Silly old me
Though my gut always knew
I skipped and fell blindly
To be dropped by you
Sep 10 · 135
Pictures on the wall
Birdie Sep 10
Life just feels like losing.
Like every love I have is
Dying, or choosing to go.
Life just feels confusing.
And I don’t want to think about
The next good thing I’ll have to leave alone.
It seems as though,
Every soul I pour my heart into
Just leaves.
Like loving is just waiting to be
Stolen by deaths thieves.
Till one day everyone in those
Pictures on the wall is dead,
And only I am left,
Bereft.
Half the people and animals in the pictures on my wall are gone now and it feels like too much
Aug 20 · 90
Thank you
Birdie Aug 20
Thank you
For giving kind to my worry
For reacting to fear with calm
Thank you
For teaching my mind to trust yours
For gently proving me wrong
Thank you
For offering peace in my chaos
For saying and doing what you mean
Thank you
For slowly but surely
Starting to uncover me
A new love after a bad one is a hard one but a sweet one
Aug 19 · 158
The death of freedom
Birdie Aug 19
There once lived a boy called freedom,
And his twin brother loneliness too.
Quite the same in face and body and mind,
But the townspeople saw them as two.

Everybody loved the boy freedom,
But loneliness was hated it’s true.
With love for one and hate for the other,
They grew apart like most differences do.

As the men grew older, free lived like a king,
But lonely, he rotted and withered within.
One of lonely’s enemies, Naivety by name,
Plotted all night and came up with a game.

To Naivety the only way to be free,
Was to end this man loneliness for all to see.
So he packed up his case with all manner of terror,
To set about making lonely a horror.

On the day of his reckoning, loneliness sat,
Wearing an old gift from his brother, a ******* hat.
Whilst freedom, about in town was adorned
In a red shirt that once loneliness had worn.

So when naivety set out to do the deed,
He crept up to lonely’s house and what did he see?
But freedom standing there in a ******* hat.
‘Hello freedom’ said he and that was that.

He strode on into town and caught sight of some red,
‘I know who owns that red shirt’ naivety said.
With a swish of his knife and a click of his gun,
Naivety believed that his deed had been done.

When loneliness learned that his twin had been slain,
He cried for the fact that his face was the same.
‘If only they knew’ wept lonely in pain,
‘Then freedom and me might have been brothers again’.
Aug 13 · 78
I’d be fine
Birdie Aug 13
So much time
And so much wine
So many tears
I have cried
If it all went away
On a day like today
I think I’d find
That I’d be fine
It’s been a long 2 years
Aug 11 · 99
Birthday eve
Birdie Aug 11
If I’d known
Through all the pain
That at the end of it all
Would be this day
Never would I have
Wanted to leave
Never would I have
Felt any unease
For today my life
Is beautiful again
And I wish I knew it
Way back then
Aug 2 · 550
A bitter pill
Birdie Aug 2
What a bitter pill,
A sour sip to swill,
I tell myself I won’t,
But I know I probably will.
What a toxic **** to take,
A brutal bone to break.
I taught myself to feel less,
For not mine, but others’ sake.
What a needless needle *****,
A sickness still so sick.
I told them I was fine now,
But we all know blood is thick.
What a hapless happy day,
A war to feel okay.
I say I don’t believe in gods,
But still I have to pray.
Aug 1 · 76
Never stalk your exes
Birdie Aug 1
I suppose I’d be a liar
If I said I wasn’t jealous
To see you in the sun
With some girl that isn’t me
But I suppose I’d be a hypocrite
If I acted like I’m better
Because I’ve moved on as well
Though you don’t look so you don’t see
There’s just something about you
That will always make me shiver
Something that always makes my heartbeat Start to beat a little faster
There’s just something about it
All the time we spent together
That will always make me smile
And sometimes make me want to cry
I suppose I’d be a liar
If I claimed I never loved you
And I think you know you would be too
If you said you never loved me
Jul 24 · 523
A testament to lost pets
Birdie Jul 24
I don’t believe in heaven
But if I somehow did
I know you’d be there waiting for me
How you were back when you lived
I don’t believe in heaven
But if I went there I would see
Four little furry faces
So happy to see me
I don’t believe in heaven but
Sometimes I wish I could
If you had ever spoken I think
You’d say that I should
Because
The closest I’ve been to heaven
Was being loved by you
The innocent love from pets now lost
Is the truest love it’s true
Jul 18 · 172
By my own hand
Birdie Jul 18
The world didn’t end,
When I was fifteen.
I woke the next day,
As I’d always been.
I didn’t quit life,
When I was twenty five.
I put them all first,
Now I’m here, still alive.
Though it may sound like
A strange thing to say.
I can’t imagine me leaving
In any other way.
I still feel it so
Deeply inside.
That by my own hand,
Is the way I will die.
Birdie Jul 10
Don’t like,
Don’t look.
Don’t want,
Don’t read.
If you do,
Then I’m not
In control
If you bleed
Birdie Jul 4
I spend my nights
In shining armour
To intently avoid
With ardour
Any hint or sniff
Of Love
I can’t allow it in
Because
If my nights are left
Wide open
My heart unguarded will
Be broken
So I spend my nights
In shining armour
Alone and safe
For ever after
Jul 2 · 83
Is this calm?
Birdie Jul 2
Is this calm?
If I’m scared it has reason,
If I cry it is rhyme.
This must be calm.
Is this life?
If I care I have cause,
If I love then I try.
This must be life.
Is this what it’s like?
To feel fear that makes sense,
To cry, be incensed.
To care and to love,
To know it’s enough.
To be calm, to live, to be alive.
Is this really what it’s all like?
Jun 19 · 185
Reminiscing
Birdie Jun 19
What a strange irony
To miss a past so intensely
That in the present was hell
But I knew it so well
In retrospect I was taught
To be strong with the fraught
And learn to appreciate
What once felt desolate
A strange irony indeed
To suddenly need
The things I was wasting
Flavours of pain I miss tasting
Jun 5 · 669
An unwritten letter
Birdie Jun 5
I am annoying and
You are indifferent
I pray to the stars and
You don’t believe in them
I’m full of love and  
You are just full
You never stop pushing though
I still pull
I’m a lot smarter than
You give me credit
And I hope for things knowing that
I’ll never get it
But you’re building money and
I’m building a home
And the way that you’re going
You’re dying alone
Jun 4 · 120
You confuse me
Birdie Jun 4
Act like I’m the love of your life
Then ignore me the next day
Give me an inch
Then drool over my neighbours little sister
Tell me you care
Then tell me you don’t
Act like you do
Then insist you won’t
Say you will not ever want more
Then treat me like you can’t stay away
Say you won’t get jealous
Then get angry every day
Treat me like you hate me
Then love me again
Jun 2 · 362
I know
Birdie Jun 2
I know by your face
At the arrivals gate
Your kisses on my neck
As soon as you came back
I know by how you’d rather
Lose money and time
Than me
That you love me
I know by the way you watch me
Without speaking
That you want to hear
What I am saying
I know without you telling
Your laugh, your arms are spelling
That you love me and though
You won’t say it out loud
I know
I know he does
May 24 · 116
Finishing last
Birdie May 24
I am such a shell
A fractured piece as well
Of who I used to be
Used to feel and used to see
I am such a mess
A melted version, less
Than the person I once was
What I thought I’d become
I can’t even love
Anything I used to love
Without leaning on a crutch
Something new to pick me up
Even my most beloved things
Have since grown up and grown wings
And flown beyond my grasp
Leaving me to finish last
It feels like I can’t enjoy anything anymore without some kind of chemical pick me up. Nothing is fun, nothing is good, not without help:
May 20 · 85
Gratitude
Birdie May 20
Gratitude is a funny thing
One day I’m bitter
Another it spills over the brim
A sunny Monday,
My brother laughing,
Then suddenly it doesn’t matter
That I can’t afford the Maldives
I’m okay as long as they are,
As long as the sun shines and
I have food to eat
I’m okay
And I’m grateful
May 15 · 180
The worst day of my life
Birdie May 15
It must be nice if the
Worst day of your life
Is really just one day
Mine looks through my windows
It knows my email address
It feeds on my fear
And sleeps in my stress
The worst day of my life
Is eighteen months long
So far, and I don’t know
If I can go on
In this sleepless nightmare
Each day is the same
Many more months of worst days
And I’ll go insane
May 15 · 98
Staying alive
Birdie May 15
People ask me
‘What have you been up to?’
And I say ‘staying alive’
People find it funny
Another silly joke from
Silly little me
But it’s not a joke at all
For here I am
On a Wednesday afternoon
Eating a cheese toastie
Instead of killing myself
May 14 · 97
Day and night
Birdie May 14
I’m trying to stand in the sun
But your moonlit ******
Hooks my heart
I love the warmth on my skin
But your voice is akin
To musicians
Plucking beats in my soul
Thumping and twanging
When I say I want soft notes
Am I a liar or a lunatic?
For whatever music I learn
My voice only sings in tune to you
I’m trying to lie in the sun
But your night is all I know
May 14 · 118
Love isn’t the word
Birdie May 14
Love isn’t even the word
There isn’t a word
For how my soul
Rests in the chaos
Of your world
Love isn’t even the feeling
Love isn’t enough
For how my hands
Want nothing but
To lay on you
I don’t even mind
What you think of me
Just see me sometimes
How I see you
Love me sometimes
Or pretend to
Treat me as bad as you can
As you do
And I my love, will still love you
May 11 · 137
Oh
Birdie May 11
Oh
Oh it can all be so perfect
To be one with myself
And so two with any of you
Only my voice is song
Only my hands are healers
Seeing for myself is my only sight
Oh it can all be so wonderful
Living for myself
And not at all for you
Birdie May 3
As I take a reluctant step
Outside the endless circle
That is our one sided love story,
I can see that you were never
Running the race alongside me.
The circle drawn by only
My footsteps. Dragging, tired
And restless round the same
Old road is dusty and old.
As I pull my heavy heart
Outside the reach of your radar,
Which has ****** me back
With magnet force each time I’ve
Left before.
I see that though you and you alone
Have been the driving source
Of all my life for nearly 2 years now,
You are just fine without me.
The circle was mine alone.
A tentative look outside the love that has kept me tethered for so long
Apr 28 · 87
Fragile
Birdie Apr 28
I may as well have ‘fragile’
Tattooed on my forehead.
For I am basically
A cardboard box,
Brimming with ceramics,
Glass and priceless art.
Just asking to be dropped
And to tumble down the stairs.
One wrong move and you’ll
Have nothing left to put up
On your walls.
Be careful with me when you go,
Or what’s the point in all that bubble wrap at all?
Apr 28 · 172
The fear
Birdie Apr 28
You say you’ll never fall in love
And that’s okay
As long as I’m your favourite nothing
I will always stay
It’s enough for me to live my life
Floating in your peripherals
As long as you don’t find a better
Way to spend your intervals
I live in fear that one day you might
Meet a girl and change your mind
Then I won’t be your favourite
You’ll have no reason to be kind
Nothing won’t mean anything to you
Not like it was
I fear that one day you won’t need me
Because you will be in love
Apr 28 · 113
Sunday somehows
Birdie Apr 28
I suppose that now
I write poems on Sundays
Somehow
We have a sordid routine
A sombre love song
Come now
See my silly daydreams
Sometimes seriously
Your brow
Where my saddened kisses
Make their misses
Somehow on Sundays
Sometimes now
Apr 23 · 165
My devil, my darling
Birdie Apr 23
And god I’d rather love,
This devil that I know
Than meet another man?
Oh no, I’d rather be alone.
Imagine if I met someone
Who measured up to you.
Hilarious, ridiculous,
A dream that can’t come true.
Stop my heart if he won’t have it,
Breathe for me, make it a habit.
Darling my souls yours to grab,
My devil, darling you.
Birdie Apr 21
You may be the death of me
You might **** me soon
You’ve turned me to a wild thing
I’m howling at the moon
If it kills me, it’s my fault
For falling for a dream
If it doesn’t I am lucky
If I ever can get clean
You to me are the whole world
But I am just your favourite
Stupid girl
Apr 21 · 199
Shrink in the wash
Birdie Apr 21
My trousers shrunk in the wash
The water was too hot
I wish I could put on a load
Filled with all the things they did
Everything that hurts me
The knives that twist in my gut
Day in
Day out
I wish I could shrink them too
So that they fit
The basket is overflowing
With items too large to wear
It’s all too big for me now
Apr 21 · 102
I can’t cry
Birdie Apr 21
Sun soaked sadness
It’s sickening
The sores on my gums
Are thickening
Chewing my cheeks
In my sleep
Shout down my throat
I would echo
Rip through my skin find
Nothing within
I don’t want to die but
I can’t cry
Not anymore, emptier
Than before
Apr 15 · 261
Just like them
Birdie Apr 15
What happens when you bleed
To many times?
Do you run out of blood to shed?
Do you run out of dreams in bed?
What if I’ve met too many
Bad men?
Do I become just like them?
Do I stop loving and play pretend?
What if I’m cold and bloodless?
What if my feelings are spent?
Do I feel at all anymore?
How to I repent?
Apr 14 · 102
You smell like heaven
Birdie Apr 14
If heaven had a smell
I know it would be your cologne
If hell had a name
It would begin with J, then O
If purgatory felt like something
I know it would feel like you
If anything is anything
I know I never knew
Apr 12 · 179
Freedom to me
Birdie Apr 12
Messy hair
Windswept
Sea salt skin
Tired eyes
An outfit that doesn’t match
A morning swim
That’s how I want to be
That’s freedom to me
Apr 11 · 663
Convenient
Birdie Apr 11
I am so convenient.
You’ll find me where I’m needed,
To he and him and they,
You think I don’t need to be heeded.
I am so amenable.
Always kind, accommodating.
My man, my friend, my father,
Always cooperating.
I’m sick of only sometimes,
But I won’t complain out loud.
My drug, my grace, my enemy
I’ll never make you proud.
I hope I’ll become difficult,
Say no with insolence.
To men, to you, to anyone,
I won’t be so convenient.
Apr 1 · 270
Take me to Antigua
Birdie Apr 1
Take me to Antigua,
Fall for me under the sun.
Love me for my soft, tanned skin.
Make me your only one.
I know you have it in you,
I know that you feel for me.
If you didn’t I would know,
I know more than you can see.
Just take me to Antigua,
You nearly flew me to Dubai.
Tell me that you love me,
It’s not your style I know, but try.
Rub sun cream on my shoulders,
By an infinity pool.
Tell me that no'one  ever  
Made you feel this way at all.
I’d make your life a daydream,
If you would only say you will.
Just take me to Antigua,
I’ve been yours, 2 years and still.
Mar 29 · 193
I miss my Dad
Birdie Mar 29
I was born just like you,
Reckless and free.
Strong and steady like mum,
I’ve grown up to be.
When I was young, you were fun.
You were silly and loud.
And everything I did,
Would made you proud.
We were thick as thieves then,
Partners in crime.
If I called you’d come running,
You made everything fine.
Then you changed,
You grew colder and older and sad.
The start of the rotting,
Of the closeness we had.
Now I still love you,
Like I did when I was three.
But these days I just feel like,
You don’t love me.
Once soft carpets I ran on,
Now eggshells of dread.
I no longer know with you,
Where’s safe to tread.
I still care enormously,
But I can’t take the bad.
At the centre of it all,
I just miss my Dad.
Mar 24 · 115
Whole
Birdie Mar 24
My life is full
As is my heart
My soul is settled
Nothing is halved
I am whole
I am me
I have nothing
I don’t need
My world is mine
And I am too
The things I’ve found
Can’t be taken by you
Mar 22 · 106
I love it
Birdie Mar 22
I love the empty roads
Past midnight driving
Home from your house
I love my stinging eyes
Your cologne in my hair
And my aching bones
I love pretending you love
Me half as much
As I love you
I love everything about
You and me
And me
And also you
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