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Aug 20 · 57
Thank you
Birdie Aug 20
Thank you
For giving kind to my worry
For reacting to fear with calm
Thank you
For teaching my mind to trust yours
For gently proving me wrong
Thank you
For offering peace in my chaos
For saying and doing what you mean
Thank you
For slowly but surely
Starting to uncover me
A new love after a bad one is a hard one but a sweet one
Aug 19 · 107
The death of freedom
Birdie Aug 19
There once lived a boy called freedom,
And his twin brother loneliness too.
Quite the same in face and body and mind,
But the townspeople saw them as two.

Everybody loved the boy freedom,
But loneliness was hated it’s true.
With love for one and hate for the other,
They grew apart like most differences do.

As the men grew older, free lived like a king,
But lonely, he rotted and withered within.
One of lonely’s enemies, Naivety by name,
Plotted all night and came up with a game.

To Naivety the only way to be free,
Was to end this man loneliness for all to see.
So he packed up his case with all manner of terror,
To set about making lonely a horror.

On the day of his reckoning, loneliness sat,
Wearing an old gift from his brother, a ******* hat.
Whilst freedom, about in town was adorned
In a red shirt that once loneliness had worn.

So when naivety set out to do the deed,
He crept up to lonely’s house and what did he see?
But freedom standing there in a ******* hat.
‘Hello freedom’ said he and that was that.

He strode on into town and caught sight of some red,
‘I know who owns that red shirt’ naivety said.
With a swish of his knife and a click of his gun,
Naivety believed that his deed had been done.

When loneliness learned that his twin had been slain,
He cried for the fact that his face was the same.
‘If only they knew’ wept lonely in pain,
‘Then freedom and me might have been brothers again’.
Aug 13 · 44
I’d be fine
Birdie Aug 13
So much time
And so much wine
So many tears
I have cried
If it all went away
On a day like today
I think I’d find
That I’d be fine
It’s been a long 2 years
Aug 11 · 63
Birthday eve
Birdie Aug 11
If I’d known
Through all the pain
That at the end of it all
Would be this day
Never would I have
Wanted to leave
Never would I have
Felt any unease
For today my life
Is beautiful again
And I wish I knew it
Way back then
Aug 2 · 397
A bitter pill
Birdie Aug 2
What a bitter pill,
A sour sip to swill,
I tell myself I won’t,
But I know I probably will.
What a toxic **** to take,
A brutal bone to break.
I taught my self to feel less,
For not mine, but others’ sake.
What a needless needle *****,
A sickness still so sick.
I told them I was fine now,
But we all know blood is thick.
What a hapless happy day,
A war to feel okay.
I say I don’t believe in gods,
But still I have to pray.
Aug 1 · 47
Never stalk your exes
Birdie Aug 1
I suppose I’d be a liar
If I said I wasn’t jealous
To see you in the sun
With some girl that isn’t me
But I suppose I’d be a hypocrite
If I acted like I’m better
Because I’ve moved on as well
Though you don’t look so you don’t see
There’s just something about you
That will always make me shiver
Something that always makes my heartbeat Start to beat a little faster
There’s just something about it
All the time we spent together
That will always make me smile
And sometimes make me want to cry
I suppose I’d be a liar
If I claimed I never loved you
And I think you know you would be too
If you said you never loved me
Jul 24 · 471
A testament to lost pets
Birdie Jul 24
I don’t believe in heaven
But if I somehow did
I know you’d be there waiting for me
How you were back when you lived
I don’t believe in heaven
But if I went there I would see
Three little furry faces
So happy to see me
I don’t believe in heaven but
Sometimes I wish I could
If you had ever spoken I think
You’d say that I should
Because
The closest I’ve been to heaven
Was being loved by you
The innocent love from pets now lost
Is the truest love it’s true
Jul 18 · 129
By my own hand
Birdie Jul 18
The world didn’t end,
When I was fifteen.
I woke the next day,
As I’d always been.
I didn’t quit life,
When I was twenty five.
I put them all first,
Now I’m here, still alive.
Though it may sound like
A strange thing to say.
I can’t imagine me leaving
In any other way.
I still feel it so
Deeply inside.
That by my own hand,
Is the way I will die.
Birdie Jul 10
Don’t like,
Don’t look.
Don’t want,
Don’t read.
If you do,
Then I’m not
In control
If you bleed
Birdie Jul 4
I spend my nights
In shining armour
To intently avoid
With ardour
Any hint or sniff
Of Love
I can’t allow it in
Because
If my nights are left
Wide open
My heart unguarded will
Be broken
So I spend my nights
In shining armour
Alone and safe
For ever after
Jul 2 · 63
Is this calm?
Birdie Jul 2
Is this calm?
If I’m scared it has reason,
If I cry it is rhyme.
This must be calm.
Is this life?
If I care I have cause,
If I love then I try.
This must be life.
Is this what it’s like?
To feel fear that makes sense,
To cry, be incensed.
To care and to love,
To know it’s enough.
To be calm, to live, to be alive.
Is this really what it’s all like?
Jun 19 · 164
Reminiscing
Birdie Jun 19
What a strange irony
To miss a past so intensely
That in the present was hell
But I knew it so well
In retrospect I was taught
To be strong with the fraught
And learn to appreciate
What once felt desolate
A strange irony indeed
To suddenly need
The things I was wasting
Flavours of pain I miss tasting
Jun 5 · 436
An unwritten letter
Birdie Jun 5
I am annoying and
You are indifferent
I pray to the stars and
You don’t believe in them
I’m full of love and  
You are just full
You never stop pushing though
I still pull
I’m a lot smarter than
You give me credit
And I hope for things knowing that
I’ll never get it
But you’re building money and
I’m building a home
And the way that you’re going
You’re dying alone
Jun 4 · 101
You confuse me
Birdie Jun 4
Act like I’m the love of your life
Then ignore me the next day
Give me an inch
Then drool over my neighbours little sister
Tell me you care
Then tell me you don’t
Act like you do
Then insist you won’t
Say you will not ever want more
Then treat me like you can’t stay away
Say you won’t get jealous
Then get angry every day
Treat me like you hate me
Then love me again
Jun 2 · 309
I know
Birdie Jun 2
I know by your face
At the arrivals gate
Your kisses on my neck
As soon as you came back
I know by how you’d rather
Lose money and time
Than me
That you love me
I know by the way you watch me
Without speaking
That you want to hear
What I am saying
I know without you telling
Your laugh, your arms are spelling
That you love me and though
You won’t say it out loud
I know
I know he does
May 24 · 97
Finishing last
Birdie May 24
I am such a shell
A fractured piece as well
Of who I used to be
Used to feel and used to see
I am such a mess
A melted version, less
Than the person I once was
What I thought I’d become
I can’t even love
Anything I used to love
Without leaning on a crutch
Something new to pick me up
Even my most beloved things
Have since grown up and grown wings
And flown beyond my grasp
Leaving me to finish last
It feels like I can’t enjoy anything anymore without some kind of chemical pick me up. Nothing is fun, nothing is good, not without help:
May 20 · 67
Gratitude
Birdie May 20
Gratitude is a funny thing
One day I’m bitter
Another it spills over the brim
A sunny Monday,
My brother laughing,
Then suddenly it doesn’t matter
That I can’t afford the Maldives
I’m okay as long as they are,
As long as the sun shines and
I have food to eat
I’m okay
And I’m grateful
May 15 · 158
The worst day of my life
Birdie May 15
It must be nice if the
Worst day of your life
Is really just one day
Mine looks through my windows
It knows my email address
It feeds on my fear
And sleeps in my stress
The worst day of my life
Is eighteen months long
So far, and I don’t know
If I can go on
In this sleepless nightmare
Each day is the same
Many more months of worst days
And I’ll go insane
May 15 · 77
Staying alive
Birdie May 15
People ask me
‘What have you been up to?’
And I say ‘staying alive’
People find it funny
Another silly joke from
Silly little me
But it’s not a joke at all
For here I am
On a Wednesday afternoon
Eating a cheese toastie
Instead of killing myself
May 14 · 79
Day and night
Birdie May 14
I’m trying to stand in the sun
But your moonlit ******
Hooks my heart
I love the warmth on my skin
But your voice is akin
To musicians
Plucking beats in my soul
Thumping and twanging
When I say I want soft notes
Am I a liar or a lunatic?
For whatever music I learn
My voice only sings in tune to you
I’m trying to lie in the sun
But your night is all I know
May 14 · 87
Love isn’t the word
Birdie May 14
Love isn’t even the word
There isn’t a word
For how my soul
Rests in the chaos
Of your world
Love isn’t even the feeling
Love isn’t enough
For how my hands
Want nothing but
To lay on you
I don’t even mind
What you think of me
Just see me sometimes
How I see you
Love me sometimes
Or pretend to
Treat me as bad as you can
As you do
And I my love, will still love you
May 11 · 127
Oh
Birdie May 11
Oh
Oh it can all be so perfect
To be one with myself
And so two with any of you
Only my voice is song
Only my hands are healers
Seeing for myself is my only sight
Oh it can all be so wonderful
Living for myself
And not at all for you
Birdie May 3
As I take a reluctant step
Outside the endless circle
That is our one sided love story,
I can see that you were never
Running the race alongside me.
The circle drawn by only
My footsteps. Dragging, tired
And restless round the same
Old road is dusty and old.
As I pull my heavy heart
Outside the reach of your radar,
Which has ****** me back
With magnet force each time I’ve
Left before.
I see that though you and you alone
Have been the driving source
Of all my life for nearly 2 years now,
You are just fine without me.
The circle was mine alone.
A tentative look outside the love that has kept me tethered for so long
Apr 28 · 71
Fragile
Birdie Apr 28
I may as well have ‘fragile’
Tattooed on my forehead.
For I am basically
A cardboard box,
Brimming with ceramics,
Glass and priceless art.
Just asking to be dropped
And to tumble down the stairs.
One wrong move and you’ll
Have nothing left to put up
On your walls.
Be careful with me when you go,
Or what’s the point in all that bubble wrap at all?
Apr 28 · 154
The fear
Birdie Apr 28
You say you’ll never fall in love
And that’s okay
As long as I’m your favourite nothing
I will always stay
It’s enough for me to live my life
Floating in your peripherals
As long as you don’t find a better
Way to spend your intervals
I live in fear that one day you might
Meet a girl and change your mind
Then I won’t be your favourite
You’ll have no reason to be kind
Nothing won’t mean anything to you
Not like it was
I fear that one day you won’t need me
Because you will be in love
Apr 28 · 89
Sunday somehows
Birdie Apr 28
I suppose that now
I write poems on Sundays
Somehow
We have a sordid routine
A sombre love song
Come now
See my silly daydreams
Sometimes seriously
Your brow
Where my saddened kisses
Make their misses
Somehow on Sundays
Sometimes now
Apr 23 · 138
My devil, my darling
Birdie Apr 23
And god I’d rather love,
This devil that I know
Than meet another man?
Oh no, I’d rather be alone.
Imagine if I met someone
Who measured up to you.
Hilarious, ridiculous,
A dream that can’t come true.
Stop my heart if he won’t have it,
Breathe for me, make it a habit.
Darling my souls yours to grab,
My devil, darling you.
Birdie Apr 21
You may be the death of me
You might **** me soon
You’ve turned me to a wild thing
I’m howling at the moon
If it kills me, it’s my fault
For falling for a dream
If it doesn’t I am lucky
If I ever can get clean
You to me are the whole world
But I am just your favourite
Stupid girl
Apr 21 · 180
Shrink in the wash
Birdie Apr 21
My trousers shrunk in the wash
The water was too hot
I wish I could put on a load
Filled with all the things they did
Everything that hurts me
The knives that twist in my gut
Day in
Day out
I wish I could shrink them too
So that they fit
The basket is overflowing
With items too large to wear
It’s all too big for me now
Apr 21 · 87
I can’t cry
Birdie Apr 21
Sun soaked sadness
It’s sickening
The sores on my gums
Are thickening
Chewing my cheeks
In my sleep
Shout down my throat
I would echo
Rip through my skin find
Nothing within
I don’t want to die but
I can’t cry
Not anymore, emptier
Than before
Apr 15 · 240
Just like them
Birdie Apr 15
What happens when you bleed
To many times?
Do you run out of blood to shed?
Do you run out of dreams in bed?
What if I’ve met too many
Bad men?
Do I become just like them?
Do I stop loving and play pretend?
What if I’m cold and bloodless?
What if my feelings are spent?
Do I feel at all anymore?
How to I repent?
Apr 14 · 68
You smell like heaven
Birdie Apr 14
If heaven had a smell
I know it would be your cologne
If hell had a name
It would begin with J, then O
If purgatory felt like something
I know it would feel like you
If anything is anything
I know I never knew
Apr 12 · 160
Freedom to me
Birdie Apr 12
Messy hair
Windswept
Sea salt skin
Tired eyes
An outfit that doesn’t match
A morning swim
That’s how I want to be
That’s freedom to me
Apr 11 · 620
Convenient
Birdie Apr 11
I am so convenient.
You’ll find me where I’m needed,
To he and him and they,
You think I don’t need to be heeded.
I am so amenable.
Always kind, accommodating.
My man, my friend, my father,
Always cooperating.
I’m sick of only sometimes,
But I won’t complain out loud.
My drug, my grace, my enemy
I’ll never make you proud.
I hope I’ll become difficult,
Say no with insolence.
To men, to you, to anyone,
I won’t be so convenient.
Apr 1 · 238
Take me to Antigua
Birdie Apr 1
Take me to Antigua,
Fall for me under the sun.
Love me for my soft, tanned skin.
Make me your only one.
I know you have it in you,
I know that you feel for me.
If you didn’t I would know,
I know more than you can see.
Just take me to Antigua,
You nearly flew me to Dubai.
Tell me that you love me,
It’s not your style I know, but try.
Rub sun cream on my shoulders,
By an infinity pool.
Tell me that no'one  ever  
Made you feel this way at all.
I’d make your life a daydream,
If you would only say you will.
Just take me to Antigua,
I’ve been yours, 2 years and still.
Mar 29 · 173
I miss my Dad
Birdie Mar 29
I was born just like you,
Reckless and free.
Strong and steady like mum,
I’ve grown up to be.
When I was young, you were fun.
You were silly and loud.
And everything I did,
Would made you proud.
We were thick as thieves then,
Partners in crime.
If I called you’d come running,
You made everything fine.
Then you changed,
You grew colder and older and sad.
The start of the rotting,
Of the closeness we had.
Now I still love you,
Like I did when I was three.
But these days I just feel like,
You don’t love me.
Once soft carpets I ran on,
Now eggshells of dread.
I no longer know with you,
Where’s safe to tread.
I still care enormously,
But I can’t take the bad.
At the centre of it all,
I just miss my Dad.
Mar 24 · 101
Whole
Birdie Mar 24
My life is full
As is my heart
My soul is settled
Nothing is halved
I am whole
I am me
I have nothing
I don’t need
My world is mine
And I am too
The things I’ve found
Can’t be taken by you
Mar 22 · 80
I love it
Birdie Mar 22
I love the empty roads
Past midnight driving
Home from your house
I love my stinging eyes
Your cologne in my hair
And my aching bones
I love pretending you love
Me half as much
As I love you
I love everything about
You and me
And me
And also you
Mar 9 · 80
Older
Birdie Mar 9
I’m getting older,
My face moves differently now.
The babies I held
Are children with lives.
Years have flown, and I’m not sure how.
I always assumed I’d not last long,
I’d be dead and gone by now.
So I didn’t make realistic plans,
I didn’t think of how.
Now I find myself closing in,
On 30 years of life.
I’ve no idea where I should be,
A traveller? A wife?
More numb than ever, flatter than flat.
I never thought I’d be someone like that.
I have a good life,
But the good won’t reach me.
I’m learning my lessons,
But nobody can teach me.
My pain has built walls,
Which keep out the bad.
So recently nothing is
All that I have.
Mar 7 · 78
Nobody loves her
Birdie Mar 7
Nobody loves me
She said
She’s so loved
By family and friends
She’s grateful
But she’s lonely
She’s lost
Nobody loves her
She knows
Not how she needs them to
Mar 2 · 89
Excruciating
Birdie Mar 2
You are excruciating
You really hurt my soul
Now I always need you
To feel like I am whole
You are so impossible
Don’t want me then you do
Nothing can convince me
To ever stop with you
Everything you say
Like knives that twist and cut
But darling you could **** me
It would never be enough
Never enough to stop me
Never enough to prove
For even if you hated me
I know I’d still love you
Feb 16 · 85
My first spring
Birdie Feb 16
I came to be in a hot, hot summer
I lived my childhood
In a warm September
My teenage years were a drizzly autumn
My early 20’s, foreboding November
The last two years were my first winter
Fraught, bitter and pitch dark.
Now I am in spring
The first spring of my life
Love and success blossom
And kiss my cheeks
Like unfolding flower petals
And I have all of this summer to look forward to
Feb 16 · 129
Part of the world
Birdie Feb 16
Today I am part of the world
Sea salt crystallises in my veins
Sunlight sparkles in my eyes when I smile
Tree bark grows on my knees
And elbows
An autumn breeze drifts from
My mouth when I speak
I am a seashell underfoot
I am a January sunset
I’m a star
I’m full
Feb 12 · 126
I miss me
Birdie Feb 12
I miss the versions of myself,
That I've since packed away.
I miss the little girl,
Who played in her mind all day.
I miss the teenage rebel,
Who had no clue who to be.
I miss the young woman,
Who paved the way for me.
I miss the strength I had,
To face danger with a smile.
I miss the girl who used to run,
And appreciate each mile.
I miss the girl who loved herself,
When she had wider thighs.
The girl who without needles,
Looked fine in her own eyes.
I miss the me who made believe,
The me with endless hope.
I miss the me who slept and loved,
Inside my childhood home.
I miss myself but maybe
It’s all part of growing up.
Changing and transforming
Into me’s for me to love.
Feb 11 · 181
Sailor
Birdie Feb 11
Ocean, sea, water I love,
Hold up his head,
Keep him above
Your swell, your waves, your deepest
Depths,
Sail him on back to within
My bredth.
Make it go fast,
But keep it slow,
Slow enough that he stays far
From below.
Water I love, ocean, sea
Bring my sailor back to me.
A little poem about someone I care for who is sailing away for a little while
Feb 4 · 65
Heaven is
Birdie Feb 4
Heaven is an Italian restaurant
The one from the Billy Joel song
You wait for me there with a glass of wine
And we’ll have a long conversation again
Heaven is the sunlight streaming in rays
Through the clouds over the sea
When the sky wears her grey jumper
Just out of reach to me for now
But I can swim in the reflections
And remind you that I don’t need reminding
Heaven is wherever you are
And wherever I’ll end up
For my Grandad, who I see everywhere
Jan 28 · 138
Small
Birdie Jan 28
So small
I’m so small
So so small
That’s the only thing
Making me big enough
To be strong enough  
To be
Jan 25 · 80
ADHD 3
Birdie Jan 25
Attention
My span is short
Fickle and false
I barely even have a pulse
Deficit
Of all of use
Of anything that’s not obtuse
Hyperactivity
In my brain
In my movements
I’ll never change
Disorder
That’s how they describe
My silly little broken mind
Jan 25 · 69
Lists
Birdie Jan 25
I make lists
Throughout the week
Each night before
I go to sleep
Monday is usually blue
Tuesday green
And Wednesday too
Thursday can be blue or red
Fridays purple
In my head
Saturday is a happy yellow
Sundays beige, calm and mellow
I make my lists
To get me through
So I remember what to do
No idea why I wrote this, but here’s a little insight into my life!
Jan 25 · 79
I’d love to say
Birdie Jan 25
I’d love to say
I’ve no idea
But unfortunately
I’ve many
I’d love to say
I’ve plenty of cash
These days
I’ve barely any
I’d love to say
I’ve grown up strong
But really
I’ve grown small
I’d love to say I’m worth it
But it seems I’m not at all
Another outpouring of utter nonsense
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