I long for those days
When you'd call three days later
And say "You have been silent"
Which was code for "I've missed you"
Because in those days
Three days was considered too long

It's 3am and you are up. Not just up but seated, playing. And you are smiling with your eyes wide open. Not to me, you already know that I'm in no smiling mood. To be precise, I'm teary and grumpy.

It has been several tries and I've given up. Several of those moments where  you begin crying once your body hits the mattress. I don't know how you do it, seconds ago you were sound asleep in my arms.

I've managed an hour or two of sleep. That was after three hours of those episodes. The ones with ten or twenty minutes intervals, between my achievement of putting you to sleep and something else deciding you should wake up. It's not your fault, you can't control anything anyway.

Soon you'll be yawning and dozing off. And of course crying to be put to sleep. Then we'll start again. That is, until the **** decides that it's 3am and he needs to do his job. And his brothers need to crow too. Before I know it, it'll be daylight, and grandma will always be there to accuse mama of oversleeping

I gave myself a pep talk. I decided to put aside the emotions and feelings. I decided to look at it factually. Then it became clear.

That I'm your friend and it's my job to be there for you. That being there means understanding you and your life. Understanding that you won't always be available. That it means being there regardless of what's happening in your life, in my head or in my life.

That being your friend means respecting your choices even when I don't agree with them. That it means respecting your relationships. That respecting you means telling you when you're making a mistake and not judging you for your mistakes.

That being your friend means knowing you. Knowing who you are, what you are, what you want  and what you don't want. It means knowing what you need and helping you get it. With a pure heart.

That being your friend means cutting out expectations. Not expecting it back the way I gave it. Letting you give it how you know and appreciating it.

That doesn't mean I don't have feelings. It means I choose not to let them run our friendship. It means I look at it rationally.
That doesn't mean I won't express my feelings. I will.

They used to say
That you are disorganised
That your notes don't have order
That you get confused at times
That you mix up things
And I used to defend you
Out loud and in my head

I used to say
That you are a busy woman
That you are a multitasker
That you juggle alot at once
That you are ambitious
That you have so much going on
That you work hard and long
That's how I wanted to see you

But even as I defended
I knew it was true
I just didn't want to hear it
In my head you were super woman
I saw you in ways they didn't
I knew you a little more than they did
And I believed in you even more
Some thought you were my mother
Yes, in a way you mothered me
In a way my own wouldn't

Usually, tears motivate my writing
But not today
Today, I have no words
Today, I can't describe my feelings
It's one of those dark days
Days of darkness in broad daylight
Days of searching for the obvious
But can't see a thing
Days I badly want to talk
But all ears seem to have vanished
Seems I can't catch a break
My actions are catching up
My bad decisions are catching up with me
I'm seeing the extent
To which I ******* up
People who love me
Don't even wanna be associated with me
No, not in public
No, not to their friends
To top it all off
I can't even catch a healthy break
From symptom to symptom
Or is it an illness they don't see?
All I know
Is that it's keeping me up at night
And worried all day

How relieving
To feel the effect
Of having held on
To the wrong person
Wear off slowly
With the action of letting go

It hasn't been easy
But it gets better by the day
As I resist the urge
To call you when I'm in town
These days the urge isn't there

I don't even think about it
Like I used to
I don't feel the pain
Like I used to
I don't yearn to know
Like I used to

I didn't know
That the choice I made
Would make all this difference
Turns out it's true
That time actually heals

You didn't choose me
And I chose to let you go

You are Ambitious
You are Determined
You are Kind
You are caring
You are generous
You are hardworking
You are responsible

You are painful
You are hurtful
You are discouraging
You are a bully
You are controlling
You are a dictator
You are belittling

Your words, slice like a sword
Your actions, attack like a predator
Your mood, destroys like the plague

How I wish I could rid myself of you
But you're the only one who's got my back
You'll always come to my aid
After my sitting through those sentiments
Uttered with the intention to hurt
Sometimes intending to gloat
And stress on how important you are
I want to walk away
But even then I'd still need you

I want to have friends
The kind that are absolutely free
To say anything that comes to mind
The kind that have no reservations
In conversations and opinions
The kind that are blunt
In honesty and giving advice
The kind that I would go to
So they talk me out of bad decisions
Or to encourage my difficult decisions

The kind that would know what I need
In any situation I'm in
Who know when I need a cup of tea
Who know when I need to be dragged out
Or to be pulled out of a bad choice
To be pushed to reach my potential
Who know how to make me have fun
How to make me laugh
In the worst circumstances

I want you to be busy
So much that you don't call
I want you to be caught up
So much that you forget about me
I want you to fall in love
So hard that you don't have space for me
I want you to make friends
So great that you don't need me
I want you to have a family
So close that you don't want me
Then maybe
Just maybe
I can get over these feelings
And begin to forget you

You are taking away my precious things
Without knowing you are
You are denying me my most valued times
Without knowing you are
You are giving me headaches
Without knowing at all
You are causing tears in my eyes
Without knowing you are
You are taking away my happiness
Without knowing you are
You are consuming my thoughts
Without knowing you are
You are taking control
Without knowing you are
You are taking away so much
And you have not a clue
It's not your fault
It's way beyond your control
But this, is what you are doing to me
And I can't do anything about it
And that *****

I love you
But seems tolerance
Is something I'm gonna have to learn
The hard way

You are ambitious
But you force your ideas through
You make comments
With the intention of hurting people
You get so worked up
When you don't get your way
You call out to people
For absolutely no reason
You exaggerate mistakes
And downplay achievements
You want to control everything
Including other people's lives
You are quick to offer help
And quick to complain about helping
You have a kind heart
And one full of entitlement
You cringe when people talk about you
Even when they are praising you
You want to be successful
Mainly because you value your image
You are quick to place blame
And nothing is ever your fault

You are this person
I really look forward to seeing
But a day spent with you
Is too much to handle

There is fun in illicit
There's excitement in illicit
There's a fulfilment in covert
It is sweet
Not like honey
Or sugar
But like a drug
Like alcohol

Alcoholics will tell you
That alcohol is sweet
While they close their eyes to swallow
Drug addicts will tell you
That taking drugs is exhilarating
While they are prisoners to their addiction

It's sweet
But it destroys
It's livens up a person
But it brings unimaginable pain
It draws
Like a mosquito ******* blood
It bonds
Like a mother to her child

You said you're getting married
Most people would say congratulations
But my present to you
Is these questions

What's your reason?
Do you love her?
Does she love you?
Do you care about her?
Does she care about you?
Do you make her happy?
Does she make you happy?
Do you want her?
Does she want you?
Are you doing this,
Because it's the right thing to do?
And do you want to do the right thing?
Are you afraid, Of what they will think?
Are you afraid, of feeling what you feel?
Are you afraid, of a repeat
For the last one had feelings?
You can be anything you want to be
You're an expert, remember?
You can make it how you want them to see
You're adept at it, remember?

As I let you go
All I wish is the best
At a successful marriage.

I had forgotten about you
I'm sorry

I had forgotten
That you are always there for me
That you are the only one
Strong enough to pull me out of the ditch
That your finger will always point
At the right direction
That you are my voice of reason
That you are my very needed dose
Of uncontaminated sanity
That you are where strength is abundant
And I only needed to tap into it
That you are where I should look to
To find myself again
I now know
That silence is not absence
And that you are the reason
I will not make this mistake again
Because you'll always be there
To redirect my focus

I'm sorry
But thank you.

I love how you hold on to me
To my clothes rather
Like I'm your only hope
Like I'm all you've got

I love how you follow me
Through the room with your eyes
As if you don't want to let me go
As if you want to go with me

I love how you loop around
To find where I'm at
When all you were doing in my arms
Was wail and wiggle

I love how you laugh at me
When you are on another's arms
As if admitting how you enjoy
Playing games with me

I love how look at me
Before you make a decision
As if looking for approval
Showing you value my opinion

I love how you reach out for my plate
As if you're interested in my meal
But you're only jealous
Of the attention I'm giving my food

Sometimes I feel like
The universe is conspiring
To make me suffer

Sometimes I feel like
You came to teach me a lesson
But seems I'm a slow learner

Sometimes I feel like
You came to unteach me selfishness
That class is proving to be a hard one

Sometimes I feel like
You were meant to teach me patience
Which is not going so well

Sometimes I feel like
You were supposed to teach me pain
That actually is making real progress

Sometimes I feel like
You came to teach me self control
Happening rather slowly though

Sometimes I feel like
I am supposed to be drawing my strength from you
Maybe that'll happen someday

Sometimes I feel like
I'm supposed to be gaining
But all I feel is loss

Maybe my pain is my gain
And my strength is my weakness
But how do I really feel?

How can you be so irritating
Yet so nice
How can you be so negative
Yet so ambitious
How can you be so hardworking
Yet such a *****
How can you be so loving
Yet so talented at back biting
How can you be so nice to her
Yet turn around and gossip her

It's like you're two people
But you're amazing at being both
You make me miss you
But can't stand you five minutes later
You make me want to be like you
Only to reconsider that minutes later

Like an elastic string
You stretch then pull back
So fast I lose track
I want to know who you really are
But that's a disastrous mission
For now I'll keep jumping back and forth
Between those two people
Interesting, isn't?

I kept asking about her
And he kept telling
I do not know why I wanted to know
Given that he chose her over me
The illusion of love
Or perhaps the thought of it
Was what I had

I guess I thought I was better
Or would be a better mother
But the image of their life
Scarred deeply
Not that I wanted us to marry
Just that I wasn't his choice
I can't even stand living with him
Yet it hurt that he didn't choose me

Yes, he had been lying all along
That he didn't care about her
That he didn't love her
That he didn't want her
That he worried about his reputation
That he actually cared about how I felt
That it hurt him that he made me suffer
No, it didn't

The act was so well crafted
That I even believed he was the victim
Even when the actions didn't match the words
But choices tell alot about a person
Yes, I was foolish
Only now do I realize
That the blindfold can be so thick
That you don't see your own hurt
That you can care about someone too much
That you forget to care about yourself
So blind that you don't see past the words

If you read their poetry
You will learn so much more
Than you would if you talked to them

Their thoughts and opinions
Their feelings and emotions
Their values and virtues

Because it's who they are
They are quiet souls
They are loud poets

As you drag me out of bed at 5am
With an assurance that I won't go back
I can't help but think
That you're stealing from me
And that's the beauty of having you
You make me do amazing things
And I can't help but wonder
That someday I will be complaining
That you are sleeping too much

I don't want to leave
But staying hurts

I don't want to admit it
But denying it also hurts

I don't want to face it
But ignoring it is hard

I don't want to think about it
But avoiding it is difficult

I don't want to feel it
But can you really get rid of feelings?

The same feeling that gives you that goofy smile
Is the same one that gives you that worried face

The same feeling that makes you happy
Is the same one that makes you sad

The same feeling that makes you do incredible things
Is the same one that makes you do dispeakable things

The same feeling makes you sleep well at night
The same one makes you not sleep at all

The feeling that motivates you
Also crushes your spirit

The same one filling you with tears of joy
Is the same one filling you with tears of sorrow

The same feeling giving you energy
Is the same one making you weak

It's 1am and I can't sleep
Insomnia has invaded
Not for the usual reasons today

It's care
I'm surprised by how much care there is
It is surprising how much care there can be

On this one night that he chose to let me
I couldn't have it
Funny how you can't have it when you want it most

How I would want to get some sleep
But how can you control
Something you have no control over?

It all started with passion
And then your decisions
Ones that were very selfish
But look where that brought me

I've learnt so many things
It has taught me to love
Not just love, but unconditional love
It has taught me selflessness
I've learnt to give precedence
Someone else's needs over mine
It has shown me beauty
That within and that which I created
I have learned resilience
After crying so many times
I've learned it's okay to cry
I've learned to face my feelings
To check my actions before I take them
To be rational
Even when my feelings attempt to cloud judgement
To persist
Even when the going gets tougher

The best thing about it all
Is I learned it the hard way
And that's what makes it all beautiful
That wouldn't have happened
If you had stayed
And kept lying to me

The truth is that it hurts
Everytime I want to reach out but can't
Everytime I reach out and you're not available
Everytime I want your attention but you are busy
Everytime you say you will call and you never do
Maybe it's time
To wake up and smell the coffee
That maybe I'm becoming too attached
Or perhaps too needy
I've probably created expectations
Yet I told myself I wouldn't
Maybe I'm losing my friend
Maybe you are losing my friendship
Yet I said I'd never leave
Or maybe my mind is too idle
I don't want to lose you, my friend
Neither do I want you to lose my friendship
But this is indeed
The truth

I love it
I hate it
I enjoy it
I loathe it
I give it my all
Sometimes I don't wanna give at all

It warms my heart
It breaks my heart
It brings me joy
It brings me pain
It strengthens me
It weakens me
I'm great at it
Sometimes I don't know how it should be done

It is fun
It is boring
Days are incredible
Nights are hell
I appreciate it
Sometimes I wish it'd never happened at all

I'm putting in lots of hours
I know I need help
You know I need help
You want to offer help
But I don't know if I should let you
The way you do things
It's careless
It's reckless
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to do much more
Than I would have if I don't let you

These nights, I hate
Tonight is one of those nights
I have tears flowing out of my eyes
Instead of closed eyelids
When you're ruling like a little tyrant
When your little adorable self is nowhere in sight
And I'm managing the worst emotion

These nights are a test of my patience
They are a measure of my ability to stay focused
They are a test of my ability to stay sane
In the midst of the madness
That is my overwhelming emotions
They are a test of my ability to put you first
Not that I do have another choice
At times I can control it
Other times it gets too much
Sometimes I cry too much
Other times I just stare at you blankly
I want to ask you why you can't just let me
Get this precious thing I've waited all day to have
But I can't. Because you can't.

Then after several minutes, or hours
Of a mixture of self control and overreaction
I get what I wanted
I guess when you have to do things alone
You learn to wade through the mud that is your emotions
You learn to be strong in your weakness
You learn to give yourself a pat
You learn to encourage and admonish yourself
Because only you, can make yourself better
Or worse
And tonight, I choose better.

Sometimes you irritate me
But I can't tell you
You will tell me how I'm not entitled
To an opinion about my parent's behaviour
You will tell me how I should do anything you say
Regardless of what I actually want
Sometimes you do things
Or don't do things
But I can't ask why, or why not
You will tell me how other things are more important
You will tell me that I shouldn't question you
Or that that's being extravagant
While the truth is that you can afford it
You will not admit your mistakes
You will not admit that you're wrong
You will not admit that you're hurting others
You will not accept that you didn't do your duty today
You will not admit that you were not careful buying groceries
It will be someone else's fault
Just. Not. Yours.
It will be someone else's mistake
Just. Not. Yours.
And how you are always being negative
About everything, and everyone
It. Just. Gets. To. Me.

I have these moments
Something always triggers them
It could be a movie conversation
It could be a weird thing happening around me
Or maybe something that's not happening around me
Leaves me wanting to reach out to someone
But no one's usually there
At least no one is usually really there
At least not in the right way
Or in any fulfilling way
You see, I created this for myself
I put myself in here
Because I wasn't careful
At least not careful enough
Not enough to look into the future
But then maybe it wouldn't have changed a thing

I'm going to dream about you
I'm going to put you at the centre
Of fantasies that may never come true
I'm going to mould you
Into that which I would want to have
I'm going to give you all the love, and care
That I would want to give
I'm going to put you
Exactly where I would want you to be
But I won't tell you about it
No, I'm not going to take that chance
This, will only exist in my head

I love this you that I see
How you talk out your opinions
Without a care about society
That they expect you to be subtle
And sit in the fence
But you confidently take a stand
And tell them they are idiots
For being people pleasers
For pretending to be nice
So others can pretend to be nice to them
Maybe it's because you have aged
And seen how imprisoning it can be
To let the society cage you
And mould you into this person you're not happy being
Or maybe it's because you are retired
Probably it is because you slowly gained courage
Enough to peel away the layers
Of societal pressures
And had enough of their straining expectations
Or maybe you are just being the you
That you waited so long to be

Sometimes I delete your messages
So I don't see you
At the top of my messages list
Then I would be tempted to text
And when I do
I wouldn't want you to see it
And then I would delete it
Then you would ask why I deleted it
And I wouldn't know what to say
Because just like everyone else
I'm afraid to admit exactly how I feel

It's 4am again and I can't sleep
Not because I have insomnia
Infact, I'm heavy eyed
But you my dear have decided otherwise
I have no say in the matter
When it comes to sleep
You are indeed the boss
A minute ago I knew I would go back to sleep
But then something happened
Something always happens
And your eyes popped open
Then the wails began
Sometimes you're smiling
Like you are laughing at me
So we start the dance again
And now it's 5am
And am hoping this fifth dance will work
And then you surprise me
And we have to do it all over again

I tend to read too much into things
To see so much in a simple gesture
To overanalyze stuff
But this time I won't
I will wait for the words
And if they don't come
I will not go looking
I will not force them out
Because if they really are to come
They will

I know you have questions
But I'm not proud of their true answers
So no, I will not answer
I know you think I'm being rude
I'm probably being rude
And selfish
But don't we all have those moments?
When we want to tuck the truths in our heads?
When we don't want to admit how we really feel?
When we don't want to say what we really want?
When we don't want to tell what really happened?

Let's take pictures
Not together
But of each other
So when you look at the picture
You remember the moment
Not because you see me there
But because you relive the moment
All over again

I love how you concentrate on it
Even when you are not seeing a thing
How you scream out
Not sure if it's joy or frustration
How you move through phases
In minutes or even seconds
How one minute you laughing out loud
And the next you got tears flowing
How you make rules
Even about meals and mealtimes
How you smile
When your clothes are being taken off
And how you're all grumpy
When the same clothes are put back on
And your incredible ways of saying no
Lovely, isn't it?

What did you mean
When you said you wanted to get to know me
Were you interested in my faults?
Or did you just go for the virtues
Did you want to know the vices?
Or the accomplishments were just enough

What did you mean
When you said you liked me
Did you like my scars?
Or you were just attracted to the niceness outside
Did you like my brokenness
Or you just wanted me when I was put together

What did you mean
When you said you understood me
Did you know what I was really made of
Or you just took the facade I put on for show
Could you really feel the pain, or the joy?

What did you mean
When you said you knew me
Did you know my vulnerabilities
Or you just knew my fake confidence
Maybe you knew my weaknesses
But what did you do about them
Did you know when I was really sad
Or happy, or angry
And was trying to hide it from the world?
Did you know what I really needed
To make me feel better?
Did you know how I wanted to enjoy my moments?
Did you even know what those moments were?
Did you know when I was truly myself
Or when I was really trying hard to control myself
And when all these feelings came easy?
Can you describe where I'd be
If I'd disappeared?
Can you really give a true testimony of me?

I used to think about you, alot
Then life changed
I realised it didn't matter at all
Because what I thought
Wasn't going to change a thing
You were determined to leave
Without a thought about those you left
As if you never mattered
But maybe that's what you thought
That you didn't matter
Or maybe I failed to show
That maybe you couldn't see
Or didn't want to see
That I didn't just care
But cared a great deal

I guess you assumed life would move on
Yeah, it did
But not as usual
You said it wasn't the life you wanted
But I didn't want you out of my life either
How can I learn to create
And make more true friends
If the only one that made it make sense
Applied the assumption
That everyone leaves
On himself?

I have these conversations in my head
Mostly about you
I replay all the complaints
Rantings about your husband
How's he's not good enough
But how have you been with him
All these years

Seems like you already ate
That's how you greet him at dinner
Then why'd you make the food?
You say he keeps looking to lead at church
But how can you not expect him to
You don't allow him to lead his own family
You say he's extravagant
Yet he doesn't even have money to spend

You keep telling your children to marry
But look at the example you set
When they see you look down on him
Use disrespectful words and tone
According your husband no respect at all
How can you expect them to be enthusiastic
Yet you don't make it appealing

Even when you sell me something
Don't make it sound like I have to buy
Like there's no otherwise
Because I'll go looking for options
And trust me, I'll find them

He has complaints about you, you know
If only you would listen
To his ideas
If only you wouldn't want to always win
To always be right
Then you'd perhaps have it better
But what do I know
I've never been married