you dug around in my head,
you found things that weren't yours.
but you wanted them.
you wanted them.

YOU TOOK ME BY THE HAND.
YOU DUG YOUR NAILS INTO MY WRIST.
BUT YOU SMILED,
"EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT."

I PLAY THAT LIE ON REPEAT
EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

you stitched my wounds back together
with rose vines and lilac.
i always told you i loved the smell,
but you never seemed to notice
that the thorns always tore me open again.

YOU DRAGGED ME INTO THE DARKNESS,
IT COULD HAVE BEEN HELL OR JUST A CLOSET,
BUT YOU TOLD ME THIS IS WHERE I'D BE BURIED.
I BEGGED, THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
YOU GRINNED, THIS WAS THE END OF OUR VESSEL TONIGHT.

every time i want to scream, you convince me to whisper.

People like to blot
People like me out
With heavy clots of
Black ink
Or white out
Depending on how much damage
They want to pretend I did,
And how often they like to
Throw pity parties
And how much proof
They want to have.

I take ownership
Of my sins
But don't try to make them
More than they were.

But with how often
I've been
Blotted out

It's easy to understand
Why I want you to
Remember my name.

It's easy to erase someone
From your memory
From existence
And pretend they were never
A part of you
Or you never a part of them

It takes great bravery
To look at the mistakes you made
And admit they were yours.

I don't know
Who
They expected,
And instead got me.

But the look of utter shock
Is pretty pleasing.

I've never been one for
Change,
But I'd follow you
Into hell,
And come back better than before.

You are the light
I've found
In the shadows
And you are the hope
I have
In the world
To be better.

I am in love with you,
And only you,
Every part of you.

I lose myself in
The anxiety attacks
And I hate it
And I regret it.

But I can't change it,
I can't control it.
I try and I try
And I fail.

I want to be
Whole
I want to be
Strong
But I'm going to need
A little help
Along the way.

I'm not the best at flying,
And I'm not the best at being
My best
But if you could hold my hand
Along the way
I might be
Okay.

Why am i so far
away
constantly?

I cannot
always breathe
or always think
or always feel

and I am not
one to disassociate
when there's still something worth
associating with.

but I ask why,
why am I like this?
why do I hide
curl into a ball
sob incoherently.

when I know perfectly well
why.

you curl into a ball to protect your face
to hide your vulnerable parts
loud noises make me flinch
loud voices make it worse.

conflict sends me spiraling
I can see my carefully
constructed
sanity
slipping away.

I'm a fraud.
I construct fallacies.
falsehoods about being sane
and good
and kind.

about having a moral compass
that always points north of wrong.

I am cruel within my judgments
I am jealous and snarky.

I am quick to jump
to conclusions
and assumptions.

I cry too easy,
I anger too quickly.

I am an unstable inferno,
either constantly burning at a calm lull
or blazing and consuming
all in my path.

I am a storm siren,
and within the rain and winds
that bring the fall of man,
watch the chaos
descend.

and if only/
if only/
the woodpecker sang
the bark on this tree
was just a little bit softer

if only/ if only
sang the wolf from below.

I would like
the rain
to stop.

Why are poets sad?

Interesting question.

Maybe we feel too much.

Are too thin skinned.

Maybe we care too much.

But maybe we need thicker skins.

But what makes a poet
A poet
Is not what would make us different,
But what makes us the same.

A poet
Is a poet,
Because of who they are
And the flaws that are healthy enough
To embrace.

I am a poet,
And though I am not always sad,
I know I care too much,
Feel too much,
And my skin is much too thin
To stand being ignored.

I am a poet,
And if you so choose to take me,
You take me as I am,
Ink stained bleeding heart
And all.

(I will not change
For the love
Of a human,
I will not change
My heart.
As I know
For sure
You will love me
Through it.)

I am not loud
Nor am I a demanding presence,
So why do you remember?

Why do those years matter?
Why is it so important to me?

Why does it all matter?

Let me tell you,
It matters because you were the first.
The very first
I had ever felt anything for.

And now I want you to know,
I want you to be the last,
The last person I have felt these things for.

I am not bold,
I am not fast,
I am not the best
And I am never the last.

But I will give
All that I have
To be yours,
To be your last.

I don't see in me,
What you see in me.
I see a world of mistakes,
And a life built of scars.
I see myself,
Thirteen and running through tall grass,
To escape things I wish I had never seen.
I see blood and loss,
I see missing out,
I see a guttural growl
And lashing out.

But for there are softer sides of me,
And I don't want to paint a picture
And replace what you think you know.
I hope you keep seeing whatever it is
You see of me.
I hope you keep seeing
Whatever picture you have of me.

I want to be seen as gentle,
And kind.
A ginger touch,
Filled with warmth,
And some type of love.

And it matters to me,
Because about eleven years ago,
You were the closest thing to someone that knew anything about me.

And seven years ago,
I saw you again,
And when we finally saw each other
More than a month ago
This time around,
I fell hard,
Just like then.

It might not matter,
All that time,
All that loss in between,
But it means so much to me,
That you're here
Now.

That you're mine
Now.

And now there were times
You wish you were there for,
But it's okay.

I am who I am
By doing all of that,
By handling all of that
On my own.

But I am here,
And you are here,
And finally,
I can see why it matters.

"Why do you live like you're out of time?"
She threw her hands  into the air at the question.
The clock ticks and tocks but never reaches
The time they settled on.
She throws her hands up into the air and lets them collapse into
White-knuckled fists
At her sides.

"Why do you live like you're out of time?!"
He clenched his fists at the remark,
He drank his will to live away,
Because why not?
He smoked until his lungs turned black,
And drank until his head would spin,
And then drank until it stopped.

And she lives like there's no time left,
Because she's been left bereft
Of shade, of color, of willingness to keep at it,
Whatever "it" is.
Because for her,
There is no time left.
She's on her ninth life,
No time left to dilly-dally,
She's gotta make this worth it,
She's gotta give this meaning.

And he clenches his fist,
And punches through the wall.
He ignores the dry wall
Stuck in his skin,
As his head continues to spin.
He lives like he's out of time,
There's no time left
Because he can't figure out
If he's meant for this world,
Or another.
But what if there isn't
Another?
And it makes his stomach tie itself in knots,


Because loneliness
And emptiness
Does terrible things
To people who aren't so terrible.

In order to tame something wild
you must first break it.

and I have never been tamed,
but I've been broken many times.

I have a wild spirit
from here and beyond

but you pull on my reigns,
and I oblige to your wishes,
even though my insides scream out in defiance,
wanting to tell you no, never.
I deserve to be treated better.

but my heart's rock hard ice
melts at your guilty expression,
and the pain in your eyes
and your voice
and I don't want my pain
to be the cause of yours.

so you throw your jacket,
and the aggression behind it makes me flinch,
and you tell me "I won't hurt you,"
as calmly as I think you could.
and I apologize

and you tell me I've done nothing wrong,
and I apologize again

because maybe I did deserve to be demeaned
in that round-about way
and then I have to stop myself
from the dangerous thoughts
the running away coursing through my veins
screams at me.

I'm no good for you
I'm too much for you
I should leave and never come back
you deserve someone so much better

because maybe it's true.
you deserve someone who doesn't look at every flirtatious ***** and thoughtless action as a threat to what we have.

but maybe I deserve to be reassured,
and maybe I deserve to be treated with thought and care.

and maybe you can do that.

I guess we'll work on it.

but maybe I'm not so broken
if I can tell you this.

Will you ever know that smile
that I try to hide
when I think of something funny
In a moment that doesn't call for it?

will you ever know the sound of my laugh
when my stomach hurts from being hysterical?

will you ever know the difference between my laughs or my smiles?

like when I smile because I have to
or when I laugh because I'd otherwise be crying?

will you ever see the parts of me that aren't broken or damaged
will you ever see me as strong or brave
will you ever see me
as anything more
than something that needs rescuing?

will you ever know the different ways I fall apart
some so much more subtle than others

like when I bake for days on end
or can't keep my focus on anything
like when I talk too fast and too quiet
and can't pinpoint exactly what went wrong and where?

will you ever know the sound of raw truth in my voice
like when I tell you I love you
after telling you the more grisly and from details
about my past?

will you ever know how badly it hurts
to know that you've hurt?

will you ever be able to see past my facade of jaded apathy when the weight of my vast empathy is just too much to show at all times?

will you ever see me for the blinking spot of hope dancing on the dismal and dark horizon, like at one point I once was for someone.

will I ever be a strength
or forever a weakness?

Will you love me
when you figure out
I'm not as perfect as you thought?

will you love me when the panic
keeps me from breathing?

like right now?

will you love me
when I cry for no apparent reason?

will you still love me
on the days
I'm more broken than usual?

will you love me
when I try to mend the hurt
parts of you
with all the love I have in me?

will you love me still?

when I am old and grey?

will you love me
when my tattoo fades?

will you love me
still?

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Heavenly bodies,
Give me purpose tonight.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Shining stars,
Give me strength tonight.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
What's the point
Of staying up tonight?

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Please understand,
My tears are not a slight
At you.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Heavenly bodies
Do not compare to the sight
Of you.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
I may be hurt,
But angry? Not quite.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Close my eyes,
Wishing to be with you tonight.

I'd rather be afraid
Of what I'm afraid of
And not myself.

I'd rather fear
The weather and rain
And the thunder and the lightning,
Than fear something about myself
That I cannot fix.

But I'm labelled
Mentally ill
I'm labelled
A psychopath
I'm told I'm not well,

But this is the best I've been in years.

And I'm so afraid
I'm not the best I can be
But I'm getting better
In the only ways I know how.

Working harder at coping skills,
Falling asleep when I don't want to,
Waking up in general,
Wearing presentable clothes.

I'll be up-ing my medication
On Friday,
Because I need to be better,
I need to be stronger.

I need to be the very best
I can possibly be
For you,
For us,
For our future.

And I'm so afraid of the rain,
But I'd rather be afraid of the rain
Than afraid of myself.

You all always need someone
To blame.
So cut me open
And observe my flaws
Again.

Pick the one
That loosely suits your
Fancy.
All this waiting for the other shoe to drop
Is making me
Antsy.

Light up
The fire,
And toss me inside,
Because I'm just getting
So tired.

But I have these visions,
I have these dreams,
Where everything is okay
And I just don't know
What they mean?

Gather in a circle
And cast your stones,
But know that each sin you accuse
Is your own.

Sometimes you open your eyes
And see nothing.
Sometimes you close your eyes
And it's all right there.

Sometimes my tarot cards all fold,
And my crystal ball fogs over.
Sometimes the runes don't read,
And the lines on your palms are just scars.

Sometimes the pendulum won't swing,
And the birds in the bottletree
Won't sing.

But the sky is violent red,
So maybe the sunlight
Will come again.

So lay your crystals
By the windowsill,
And light your candles
In your circle.

Wish and pray and wish and pray
But in the end
Fate is what you make it,
And no amount of darkness
Can black out my colors.

It would be raining,
And I would have my head low,
And I really probably should,
But I can't.

And I feel the fever
Boiling my blood,
And maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic,
But I want to hear kind words off your lips,
And I want to hear how well you know me,
And I want you to love me
How I love
You so.

And due to my own
Logic and equations,
Numbers look the same,
But I know the outcome will be different.

I have to breathe
And tell myself
The outcome will be different.

I see patterns,
And maybe I'm wrong to be seeing what I see
But it scares
The ******* out of me.

(And trust me, I know hell is ******)

Tears sting at my eyes,
But I bite them back,
Because I can really feel
The cold of the distance between us,
And maybe it's just fear,
But I am cold and
Craving to be held.

But with each response
You send to me,
And each time I read the kindness
Behind your words,
My heart gets a little lighter,
And the night gets a little brighter,
And my wings slowly
Unfurl.

Today has been a hard day,
And a bad day,
But I hope desperately
That you could help this night be
A little better.

I want to unfurl my wings
And take off,
Fly away,
Fast and swiftly
With you at my side.

This fever is making
My thoughts and words
A little broken,
A little disjointed.

Who cares?

Maybe I don't.

I just miss you,
I guess.

You saved me,
time and time again.

with every kiss
you breathe new life into me
and my heart,
you add kindling
to the fire.

I burn and I burn
but I do not go out,
and whether I destroy
or create
is up to you
and your decision
to stay.

I hate showing you
the visions of my past
but with every kiss,
my past gets a little darker,
and our future gets
a little brighter.

You want to travel the world,
And do things for the sake of thrill.
I crave the stability I grew up without,
And my dream is for a happy family.

I've given up on dreams of travelling far away,
I've given up on hopes of finding new places.
I've given up on aspirations to journey
And open my worldview.

I gave up those dreams,
Because I never thought I could have that,
And the kind of stability
That makes you feel safe at night,
When the flashbacks wake you up in cold sweats
And vivid smells you know aren't there.

But you're the kind of person
Who gave me an entire galaxy
When I only asked for a star.

So if you want to see the world,
And if you want to travel far and wide,
Then please remember to take my hand,
And slow your pace.
Because I want to be by your side
The entire time.

You're sitting in the hospital bed.
You're smiling but you're crying.
You're telling the nurses over and over and over
"He's not a bad person."
"I don't want you to think he's a bad person."
"He didn't mean for this to happen."
(Just like, later on, you have to tell your friends and his friends and your family and his family the same things)

They shake their heads at you, but smile and squeeze
Your hand or shoulder comfortingly.
You won't realize this until later,
But you were so far in denial
And everyone knew it.

You're in your new therapists office.
He's asking you to recall a time men didn't scare you.
You smile and say,
"What? Men don't scare me."

He frowns and reaches for a tissue,
And you flinch.
His frown deepens as he hands you the tissue,
You realize you've been crying for the entire session.

It's the day before your anniversary with him.
You've been fighting for the whole week.
You just want to talk to him,
Figure out why he's so mad at you.
Why he keeps taking it out on you.

So you bring it up,
While you try to prepare dinner.
Knowing that if you say the wrong word,
You might have to figure out a new place
To sleep for awhile.

He says something, stands up.
You're thinking the whole time:
"How did it get this bad?
What did you do wrong this time?
Why do you always do this?"
You flinch.
Your back is against the stove that you haven't turned on yet.

There's a flare of anger and pain in his eyes
As he tells you,
Trying not to yell,
"I won't hurt you!"

You realize that you're scared of him.
That you're not just in this relationship because you love him.
You're there because you fear him.

And you think to yourself
"How can I be so stupid?
I was in the last one because I was afraid.
I wasn't in love.
But I love him.
Why am I scared of him?
He won't hurt me."

But he gets mad, and slams things.
Hits himself.
And you realize it's because he won't hit you.
But he wants to hit you.

Things only ever get worse,
And sooner or later
Due to his friends advice,
You leave for two days
To give him some space.
He says he'll pick you up,
That Sunday from your friends house.

He arrives on Sunday, a little over an hour late.
He hasn't spoken to you all weekend.
You want to attribute the fear to your abuse and anxiety.
But when he shows up,
He brought most of your things.
He breaks up with you on her porch,
With cliches like
"We met at the wrong time."
"It's not you, it's me."
"I don't want this to be the end."

And you realize,
He's just painting himself as the good guy.

But he's not a good guy.

Because the one time you were honest with him
About how bad you were getting,
And you weren't even there for it because you black out when overwhelmed,
He used it so he could be the victim.
Twisted it so the suicidal girl had to comfort him because it made him lose trust in you.

And he's telling and told all his friends
That you use your mental illness
To manipulate him.

And you want to scream at him,
Because you've never done that.
He's used his everything
To twist you up.

You should have run for the hills the moment he got mad
At you for having an anxiety attack in the car
In public,
Saying
"I hate when you do this. It makes other people think I abuse you."

Because that was the moment
He probably realized he was doing exactly that.

And you should have run as far as you could,
Because that was two months before it ended,
And it only got worse.
He only got worse.

And you shouldn't have stayed,
Because he was this way from the beginning.
He has thin skin and angers too easily.
Would throw grown-up tantrums
When something went wrong
When you told him he was wrong
Or told him he hurt you.

You should have run.
You should have cut ties.

Love cannot heal someone
Who doesn't want to be healed.

And he didn't heal you
He made you worse.

But he won't be the one to break you.

Because a wolf in sheeps clothing
Will always be just that.
People will see the sheep
That sometimes gets a little too close
To the meat at dinner,
That sometimes disappears.

And a rescue dog
Will always have that pain,
But that doesn't mean you can't be happy
One day.

And that wolf in sheeps clothing,
He promised he wasn't a wolf.
He promised he wouldn't do this.
That he was just a sheep.
But what do promises mean
To monsters
Anyway?

I wonder if you even know
The way I yearn to be yours,
To be wholly yours,
Not just legally so.

I wonder if you know
The way I long to be shown
That you feel the same way for me.

I don't take
Hints very well.

I'm smart,
But I doubt myself
Much too often.

And I feel as though
You are the light that burns within
My heart,
And you are the hope I've held close to me
For so very long.

And if there's anything I've had
Since I was young
It's been the hope that pushes me forward,
It's been the hope that reminds me
To "Get up and Walk!"

If you were to know
Of all the love I have for you
I think maybe you'd understand
Why I get so misty-eyed
So often.

Let me be honest,
As I always am.

I'm here to tell you
That the ways you make me nervous,
With your voice or your smile,
Makes me feel like I have a purpose.

And I'm hoping to love you for all time,
And I forgot if I mentioned,
You drive all the good
That inspires my intentions.

You create thunder in my heart,
Put fire in my veins.
And your hand in mine,
It takes away the pain.

And how do you explain,
Your voice echoing all across my brain,
Spiraling in color
That keeps me dry from the rain.

And I could burn a thousand different ways,
And I'd still turn out just fine,
As long as I am yours,
And you are mine.

I lost myself but you found me.
I might not be able to always know what to say,
But you sure made
The day feel saved.

I can't bite back these words anymore:
Thanks for sticking around,
It's been nice,
Going from lost to found.

I could fade into dust
Within your arms,
And be glad that my last sight
Was you.

But I don't want to fade to dust.
Because I don't want to experience
A life (or afterlife)
Without you.

And while I will gladly wait,
I just want to feel you beside me.

And maybe I was out of luck,
Until I fell for you,
But trust me,
I fell hard enough
That I would know
If you were worth falling for.

And you're more than worth it.

But upon my falling,
You pulled me up with you,
And showed me how to fly.

I would love to be told
what makes me worthwhile
because it's easy to be insecure
when you refrain from telling me
anything.

cold wraps its filthy arms around me
and I shiver and shudder and my legs fall asleep
and I feel far from you
and maintaining anything negative in your general direction
is so difficult for me,
so why do I bother?

I guess I do it
because I'm scared.

Everyone wants to be your
Friend
When they need you.

And everyone wants to be your
Enemy
When the lies that are told
Are just enough juicy gossip
To fill that void in their heart.

And everyone wants to be part of your life
When you're about to call it quits,
And just say "**** this,"
And give up on them.

Everyone wants to get involved,
When you're ready to give up on them
Like how they gave up on you.

Understanding is fine,
But you made no obligation
To chase those
Who never intended to stay.

I'll pack up my bags,
And leave accordingly,
Off to bigger and better things
Than your mindset.

You'd be proud of me,
If you could feel pride for anyone but yourself.

I'm in love,
And I'm healthy and happy.

Close my eyes.
Try to breathe.
Squeeze them shut harder,
But there's not a color
Darker than black.

Therefore night is as
Dark as
I'm allowed to get.

Leave me breathless,
Or bleeding out,
Either way,
I took the risk,
And here we are.

And I feel like
This could be really good,
If I can just forget everything else.

I feel like
You're all I want.
This love feels like
I could survive
Off a diet
Of crisp fall air,
your love,
And the rush of sunlight.

And jealousy
Can eat away at me,
From time to time.
My sins are greed (for your time) and envy,
I'm so over wrath.

But love me please,
If you'll see it the way I'm seeing it.

I can breathe easy,
Knowing you're mine,
But this love isn't all
Sunshine and roses
(Good thing I hate roses)

It's the weight of my heart
When we're apart.
It's knowing I can bring out the best
In you,
It's knowing who I can be
And exactly who you are,
And seeing the light in your eyes,
And knowing for a fact
That the fire that lays there,
Can burn,
But trusting it enough
To know it won't dare
Lick away at my flesh
Until all that's left is dry bone.

I know that fire that burns in your eyes,
Is the source of the sunlight,
And that it's your kiss
That creates a mock-autumn breeze,
So I can breathe easily.
I know your love
Will carry me into
The only home
I've ever wanted to know.

"I know we're miles apart,
But I'm looking your way."

"Yeah, I came out swinging,
But I still came out with two black eyes
And a split lip."

And I close my eyes
And face my demons,
And I see them
And I cower
But they see it in my eyes,
I came here looking for a fight.

So it's a fight they put up.

I'll destroy my insecurities,
I'll face off with my feelings,
And I'll go to battle
With the blood I've spilled
And the mistakes I've made.

All my fears
Will try to eat me alive,
But each and every scar I bare,
Each and every beat of my heart
Proves I'm alive.

And as long as I'm alive,
I'll come out swinging,
Each and every time.

You are the words on the tip of my tongue,
The ink on the ends of my fingers.

You are the
Beat--
Beat---
Beat-
Of my heart.

You are the fire in my throat,
And the steadfast in my stare.

You are the the ice on my wrists
And the soul that I miss.

You are the whole reason,
You are my only season.

You are the burn in my eyes.
You are the truth to all the lies.

You are the space in my brittle heart that never cracked,
You are the wings on my back,
You are the ground beneath my feet.
You are just everything,
Everything to me.

If my life
Was a pretentious and overly validated
Piece of literature
Written by a skittish play-write
Who most likely used a pen-name
To write things,
Then my life so far
Would be considered a "Tragedy".
As in, everyone either leaves or dies.

It wouldn't be a Tragedy that made sense.
No, it wouldn't be like Hamlet, or Macbeth.
It would be more like Romeo & Juliet.

As in, it all started because two people
Made some dumb choices.
And then bad things happened.
And then everyone involved continued to make dumb choices
And lots of people got hurt.

My life, so far,
Could be considered a very literal
"Series of Unfortunate Events".

I never was very good
At forming relationships with people.
Friendships, bonds, whatever.
I don't know how to make a connection
With people.
And when I do,
I sabotage it.
Because everyone leaves.
So I burn that bridge before they get a chance
To even srtike a match.

I'm not a permanent-kind-of-person.

I never have been.

I've never wanted to be. At least, that's what I tell myself as the bridges collapse into ash and soot and smoldering embers.

... And then, there was you.

You, the kind of person whose rare cheshire grin lights up the whole room,
Even if just for a second.
Even if it was just there on your face for a second.
There was at least a little light,
For at least a second.

You, who refuses to leave my side.
You, who puts up with my inability to comprehend that you love me and you are staying and that I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to burn our very old bridge.

You, with your thoughtful scowl,
And loving hands.
You, who quietly observes the world.
You, who is always there when I need it.
You, who is always there when I want it.

You, who is my everything.

You, who I love.

You, who I have always loved.

Maybe we'll get a happily-ever-after, after all.

Blasting music as loud as my little internet machine
Will let me,
And for such a pointless computer,
This thing gets pretty loud.

And I've caught myself humming or singing
Which for me is strange.

And I guess I'm happier,
Even though I'm still waiting for it all
To come crashing down.

But for now,
I'm hoping it won't.
I just hope I can manage a smile out of you
Today.

I keep seeing things
Quotes
About how you should be with someone
Who is terrified to lose you.

And maybe it's right.

But if you think I'm going anywhere,
Or letting you go anywhere,
You can ******* fight me,
And **** it, I'll win.

I'm just angry,
I'm just sad,
I'll get over it.

But I am yours,
And you are mine.

And nothing will change that.

You won't get it
Because you don't get it
Living as a hopeless romantic
In a hook up culture
Is a special kind of hell.

I'm not the kind of person
Who doesn't fall hard.
I don't do
Low key commitment.

I'm all loving
And loving hard
And with all
That i am

I've been told
My way of loving
Is dangerous
But it's all that
I know.

I don't look at others
And think
"But how would it have gone
With you?"

I am not
I can not
Fathom another
When my heart is
Already claimed.

You won't get it
Because you don't get it.

You're all over the place,
A flight risk.

I'm already home.

We sit in your kitchen.
you're playing on your phone,
and you don't know, do you?

my nightmares
as of late,
are mostly about losing you.

I can handle pain.
I've been beaten and bloodied.
I cannot handle
the feeling of complete desolation
of my heart
that is losing you.

but I do not fear it,
for sins do not hold to fear
with great power.

no, rather than focusing on the fear,
I will allow you further
within the walls you have not seen closed,
yet.

I do not wish to shut you out,
but my survival instinct
screams that I'm letting you in
too far
that you know
too much.

that I should not
trust.
slow to trust
quick to love,
I have always been this way.

but trusting you is too easy,
it just happens.
it's natural,
child's play.

you don't even know,
do you, Bluebird?

the way I look at you
the way I've torn open my ribcage
to show you every dark, vulnerable part?
everything scarred and broken.

it's yours
and no one elses.

but I can't help but to think
I've shown you too much.

too many shadows.
too many scars.

I have too much baggage
and too much fear
I do not
carry it well.

She paced back and forth,
The three inch block heels of her scuffed black boots
Clacking against the unfinished hardwood floor.

Some would say that she looked distraught.
Others would call it confidence, or "walking with a purpose."

But they never looked at her eyes.

Almond shaped and wide, fluttering and glossing across every detail of the room repeatedly,
Until she had it memorized.
Her usually, sunset-esque, yellowy-oak colored eyes scanned the room. She looked out from beneath thick, long black eyelashes. Her iris's glistened black.

No amber streaks.
No red accents.
No infatuated gold.
No comforting, warm, oak brown.

Her eyes were black.
Dark.
Cold.
Hungry.

Like a predator.

Her shoulders tensed and she began to slow her pacing,
Her steps slowly becoming lighter and lighter,
Until they could not be heard
Aside from the soft beat of vibrational frequency through the floorboards.

She finished scanning the room,
Shifting her eyes from every exit or entrance or place to hide and cower,
Taking note of it all.

Her eyes focused, her pacing coming to a sudden and abrupt stop.
Her body became rigid.
Every elegant curve and smooth, soft
Length of utterly feminine and maternal skin she had
Suddenly became very, very sharp.
Rough.
Dangerous.

Her stance was similar to that of a defensive wildcat.
Tail low.
Hackles raised.
Claws unsheathed.
Lips curling ever so subtly
That at any moment her canines could press and sink into her prey's
Soft flesh,
And draw blood.

Her eyes locked on her prey.

All talking in the slightly crowded, dimly lit, room came to a sudden halt.
A cold chill blew through the room.
The hair along the necks of each and every guest stood on end.
Even as humans,
Who are so very proud of not relying on instinct,
Understood what this meant.

Danger.

She was still, rigid.
You could not see the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed.

There was no noise,
Aside from the faint bassline from the speakers.

Judging by the voice spitting out lyrics,
She guessed the song was either by The Offspring, or maybe Say Anything.

One guest flipped off the speakers.

The buzz of static.
Then the buzz of a moth flying repeatedly into one of the faded lightbulbs.
Then, silence.

They stared at her,
But she did not see them.
Her eyes remained focused,
Trained on her slowly-growing-more-nervous-each-passing-second prey.

There was a low, guttural growl rumbling from her throat.

Her prey looked up.

Their eyes locked.

Before the other girl could make out a single syllable,
She pulled her lips back into a snarl.

"How dare you?"

The prey only blinked in response.

"Who do you think you are?"

The prey furrowed her eyebrows, trying to play dumb.

"Have you ever cared about anyone but yourself?!" She coiled her muscles like a spring. Her body pulled tight together.

"What?"

"He meant nothing to you." She pounced into the crowd, slamming into her prey. A flurry of black and white.

"And you mean nothing to me."

She sunk her long, pointed teeth and sharp molars into the flesh of her prey's throat.

Vile blood filled her mouth.
Pushing past the urge to gag,
She bit down harder.

Then,
She heard a cracking noise.
And then, a snap.

She stood,
Dropping her prey's limp body onto the floor
As she unclenched her jaw and opened her mouth.

The girl dropped, lifeless, to the floor.

The predator opened her mouth,
Feeling the toxic, bitter blood dribble out her mouth and drip from her lips and chin.

The crowd of people were panicked.

They looked like they were screaming.

She could not hear them.

She looked ahead and stared into the mirrors along the wall.

Her hair was black and matted and wild. A mane of knotted kitten fur and hummingbird feathers.
Her eyes were black, dark as midnight. No light reflected in, no emotion shined out. The whites of her eyes were just barely visible.

Her skin was pale, so white it was an almost sickly yellow-grey. She could see the veins beneath her cold, unfeeling complexion.
Her lips were red. With blood. Hers and that of her prey.
Her fingers were longer, mangled into claws.
She stood hunched, ready to attack at any moment.

Her face was twisted and contorted into a snarling look of pain.

She hated when she got like this.
When she lost all her humanity,
In order to serve her righteous cause,
Whatever it maybe at the time.

But there were certain sacrifices you need to make for the people you love.

And if it meant protecting them,
If it meant their happiness,
If it meant their comfort,
She would give it all.

Her whole heart.

Her whole soul.

You don't see me.

You touch and feel me,
But don't say you see me.

You don't see me.

You kiss and **** me,
And even, impossibly, love me.

But you don't see me.

You hear and even haunt me,
But don't say you see me.

You compliment and love me,
But you've never seen me.

I am fragile and I am strong.
I am kind and I am cruel.
I am arrogant and self-loathing.

You cannot see me,
Because even I have yet to.

You are the bluebird of peace
In the springtime.
The energy filled breeze
Of summer.

You are the hope for better days,
You are what grounds me back into place,
You are the sun, the moon and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

I see constellations in your voice,
I hear birdsong within your touch.
I feel the sunlight from the fire in your eyes.
You hold the whole sky,
You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

You are a dazzling within the depths of your soul,
And you hold stardust within the feathers you use for flight.
You swept me off my feet time and time again.
You taught me to fly,
And though I may falter,
I'm doing better than I've ever done.

You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

They'll still paint you black,
When you used to be golden.
So take a breath,
And live in the moment.

Their words are water,
Breaking down your levee.
And with each ugly phrase,
The pressure gets more heavy.

And I know you're feeling
Sick to your stomach.
But this is the truth,
So please don't run from it.

We'll laugh and we'll cry,
We'll love and we'll fight.
The words won't matter,
It's if we live them through life.

The way they left,
It's alright, it's alright.
I know you hate them,
But you know that I'm right.

People tend to be
Cruel and inconsistent.
But my love for you is steady,
And you know that is different.

And I know you're feeling
Sick to your stomach.
But this is the truth,
So please don't run from it.

We'll laugh and we'll cry,
We'll love and we'll fight.
The words won't matter,
It's if we live them through life.

There's lots of things
I have left to say,
But I'll fold them up
And put them away.

So patch up your levee,
And get the doubt from your brain,
We'll burn it up and
Wash the ashes in the rain.

And I know you're feeling
Sick to your stomach.
But this is the truth,
So please don't run from it.

We'll laugh and we'll cry,
We'll love and we'll fight.
The words won't matter,
It's if we live them through life.

When their happiness
Brings you happiness.

And you know it's love
When their smile
Lights up your darkest days,
And you know it's love
When that usual fear you have of everything
Is either gone
Or replaced with a determination to make them visibly happy.

Because as someone who
Has seen a thing or two
Not being visibly pleased,
Means being visibly displeased,
Not to say that you should change,
But this is the mind of someone
Who has been altered
In terrible ways
And this is how
I've learned to survive.

But I know it's love,
Because I don't have the same type of fear.
There is the inherent fear I always have,
But besides that,
I feel so safe
With you.

So safe,
In fact,
That I could go anywhere in the world,
And it would feel like home,
As long as I was by your side.

He took all that I had from me,
So I dyed red streaks into my hair.
He left me less than before,
So I chopped waist length hair
Into a boy-short pixie cut.

And time and time again,
I shaved the sides,
And dyed my hair
Purple
Green
Pink
And Auburn.

And he destroyed me
On a day to day
Basis.
So I went from brown
To black
To blonde
To pink.

And when he finally released
His hold on me,
I debated dying my hair
Lilac or periwinkle.
But instead,
I decided I would let my hair
Grow.

My hair will be long
And beautiful
And feminine.

I will be beautiful
And feminine,

And nothing like
You've seen me
Before.

And I can only hope
That with you
I will have no burning desire
To cut my hair
Or change my color.

I hope
With you
My hair may grow,
Within the dark reds and dark browns
That it has.

The more you try to tell me
What is right
And what is wrong,
What I should do
And what I should not,
The more you make me
Want to face-plant
Into a wood chipper.

And yet,
You continue to speak.

"And what are men to rocks and mountains?"

Out of all the things I have read,
I am most fond of stories that display
That love is powerful
And that love conquers--
And I used to believe
Love was just a fairy tale.
That it wasn't real,
That it was a piece of fantastic fiction
That everyone agreed
To pretend was real.

I convinced myself of this.
That if you couldn't be mine,
That I didn't know romantic love at all.

But you are mine,
Wholly and entirely.
And if I had read anything
To be true,
It would be also from Pride and Prejudice:
“The distance is nothing when one has a motive.”

Find me somewhere
Between
What you say
And what you
Mean.

Find me somewhere
Behind
What you see
And what you
Find.

I am found in the darkest
Spaces
Of what you think and what have you
Within good graces.

You are the sunshine,
And I am the grey.
I am the night time,
And you are the day.

And if I gave what light I have,
To bask in yours endlessly,
I would give it up gratefully,
To be yours entirely.

"You're not a good person just because you pity-fck the sick girl.

That's a quote from a movie where Anne Hathaway plays a young woman with bipolar disorder. It's a love story, apparently.

I've never seen it.

But at one point, I too would have been just as bitter,
Just as scornful.
And the intrusive, unwanted thoughts
That spiral in my head
Causing breakdowns
Try to get me to be that way again.

I just wish you understood,
I can't always control what I think,
And my mind likes to hold me and my common sense captive,
So that way it can convince me that everything you say
Is a lie.

But I know it's not,
And while at one point
I would have been so bitter
As to say something similar to
"You're not a good person just because you pity-f*ck the sick girl!"

I know that's not how it is,
That it's just a delusion
Caused by dysphoria
That the other character
Is a good person,
And maybe he does love her.

Because,
As frustrating as people like us are,
We love so much,
And feel so deeply,
That maybe the frustration we cause
Is worth it?

I remember the snide comment,
I went home and googled the term,
It made sense from where I had heard it from
Previously.

But I'd do anything,
To find you.

So why be a wallflower,
If only for nostalgia's sake.

And it's funny,
The shy part of me sat back,
And watched the wallflower wilt,
And the wildflower bloom.

All for the sake
Of nostalgia.

And it's funny,
How easy it was
To catch feelings for you again,
As though they had ever stopped.

I don't believe they really did,
Because meant to be is meant to be,
And I know I'm meant to be yours,
Whether I'm a wallflower
Or not.

It's the biggest lie I've ever heard.
People only tell it when they become old, and bitter, and jaded.

You must be able to rely on yourself.
You have to be able to pick yourself up
Off the bathroom floor,
When you collapse in a mess of blood and tears,
At three in the morning.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't rely on others.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't have faith,
Or hope,
And it doesn't mean you should never love.

I was told the opposite by a Catholic deacon.
He said
That when you feel down and out and full of self hatred
That it's okay to lean on those around you.
It's okay to ask them for help and guidance.

I struggled to hide tears, and I told him
"What if you have no one?"
Because at one point, that's exactly what I had.
No one.

He sat with me, and didn't bother hiding his tears.
I still wonder what made him cry, when he spoke to me.
Was it the fact that I was so small and young and yet so broken?
Or the fact that I reminded him of his daughter, and that I had, unlike her, faced much more of the worlds cruelty?

I tried not to let it get to me.

He told me
That if I feel I have no one,
Know that I at least have him in my corner,
And whether or not I still believe (and he understood if I didn't) that he would be praying for me
And a strong, and hopefully swift, recovery.

I like relying on others.
I like when they rely on me.
Humans are pack animals.
We must rely on each other,
It's what we're supposed to do.

And now that I have someone
Who I know I can always rely on,
I realize how bitter and cold and hopeless
A person must feel
To truly believe
You can only ever rely on yourself.

I can't really listen to that band anymore,
But that's okay.

With hearts of gold,
Comes the idea to always do right,
Or to at least always try.
And it leaves me too smart for my own good,
As he told me many times.

I am golden,
Like the sun,
Like the stars,
Like the light that could guide you home,
If you ever wanted it to.

But some people prefer silver,
And that's cool too.

I don't have to be the best
In the eyes of anyone
Besides
My Bluebird.

And to him I'm much more than gold,
Much more than a prize.
I'm his Hummingbird,
And that's worth more than any value
Any metal
Could ever have.

(Understand my intentions,
These are not my confessions.
Trust, though, that I've done my wrongs,
That's it. So long.)

You see where we're different,
But I see where we're not.

And maybe that's a dangerous way to be,
But I think my ****** bleeding heart would rather go out this way.

Don't you see where we're the same, too?

We all live by the same philosophies,
Protect what is ours.

But what if we protected each other?
What if we were kind of kind to one another?

Show empathy and understanding,
Humans are much too wrapped up in being
"Individuals"
That we'd rather be bad and cruel and knock each other down
Than be the kind of individuals
We actually need.

And in our misunderstanding
Of each other and our similarities,
It saddens me to say,
We become even more
The same.

I want to rip your throat out,
I want to bleed you dry.
I want to be comeuppance,
I want to hear your cries.

I want to rip your throat out,
I want to bleed you dry.
My favorite song is Sympathy for the Devil,
And now I remember why.

There's a false sense of superiority
As you enter the scene.
You fuel my fiery rage,
Though it be but a dream.

Your words are nails on chalkboards,
Your eyes beady and unkind.
I want to rip your throat out,
And end the spew of lies.

I may be soft and docile,
But it won't take me very long,
To rip you shred from useless shred
With my storm siren song.

So be wary of the winds,
And be wary of the tide.
Be wary of the rain and thunder,
For the elements are on my side.

You were proud,
You were strong,
You are here,
You are gone.

You were warm sun piercing through grey clouds
You were a soft breeze in light of humidity
You were blades of green, green grass, not harsh enough to cut me open
But cool enough to bring me back to Earth.

You were proud,
You were strong,
You are here,
You are gone.

I'd give everything to be anything but
Temporary.

You are dedicated
You are loyal.
You are the promise of sunlight
That comes with better days.
You are the honesty that washes over me in waves.

You are proud.
You are strong.
You were here.
You were gone.

Within a dream I call to electric eyes
do my bidding, my voice is a sweet honey,
and his milk toned skin shudders,
because everyone thought it was
he who was bad news,
but I was the darkness all along.

I used to dream of protection.
of someone swooping in
and saving me from them, from the bruises, from myself and the scars.

I never thought anyone would actually show up.

I like to think I'm strong on my own,
but the power the galaxies within your eyes hold over me
scares me
and I crave to defy it,
but at what cost?

I reject all control,
in my fearful bout of defiance,
but it injures all good I have built between us.

and I fear telling you that I see the deepest
depths of the wounds
you might bare,
but I've been unaware
for so long
that I've no clue where they've come from.

I might be reserved and thoughtful,
but the monster in my chest
shouts cries of rebellion.
too good for too long.

as if the flashbacks
weren't enough,
fear of control over me
has me back peddling.

I just want
to be sane.

I just want
to be good enough
for you.

Today I felt like more of an outcast
Than I actually am.

But you won't read this.

I have failed you,
And disappointed myself.
And for that my guilt will swallow me whole.

But you won't read this.

I am getting better,
But it's taking me awhile.
I wish you could understand
How hard I'm trying.

But you won't read this,
At least,
Not tonight.