Why is it there is an invisible thread between all women
An understanding no words are required for
The fear, the pressure, the internal clock

Thank you for making me feel like your diamond
Though we both know this was a dazzling illusion
And for my trick?


I will disappear

I wanted to call you
But I know you don’t want to hear from me

You say you’re always “straight up”
And “you’ll see me in December”

I wanted to hurt you
But I know I don’t matter enough for you to feel me.

You say you “really like me”
And “you wish your mindset was different”

I want you
But I know it’s a mistake

It was a slow drizzle
And then a hurricane
And now I’m shelterless, floating on a raft  of grief.
And I wonder if the rain will ever stop
Can I paddle out of love with you?

Your love made my stomach turn
Gnarled my fingers
Twisted my intestines

Your love made me light as a feather
Turned my dreams from distant stars
To the Apple just within reach

But tell me
Should love hurt so bad?

The thing about people
Is you can scream your feelings
You can post them online
You can send them your poems
But they can never feel the way you feel
So maybe expressing it never really happens

It is deeply bittersweet
To see you achieve the life that young you dreamed
Which exists so separately from the one young me fantasized

I take solace in the health of your family
And heed in the love in your eyes that still remains
Even after we cut ties

For as long as I can remember I’ve been damaged
Sad eyes that only appear more beautiful with a glassy film of tears.

For as long as I can remember it’s been difficult for me to love or be loved.
I always feel so close to many but never truly connected to one

For as long as I can remember I’ve been disappointing
To myself who is never satisfied until I’m writhing in pain

But even then,  I’m breathless.

I always miss you the most in the spring time
I remember your flower shirts and linen pants
The way you would insist on brushing my hair 100 times a night on the front porch
How you always pretended you didn’t like your birthday
As your eyes glowed behind the candle light
You always seemed the lightest
The closest to your faith
The most comfortable
When the birds began singing
And the wind blew through the cherry blossoms

Cuz mama when it boils down to it we’re all fools
And I’ve become the monster that lets him believe he can fool me more than once

And like the click of my front door something shifts
And everything goes dark
And everything goes blurry
And I’m not sure where I went wrong
But I reach for your hand every time

Glassy and red
But oh so crystal blue
They’re beautiful
When you make me cry

What is it called when the very act of being near someone makes you want to drive full speed off of a cliff?

But you can’t be without them.

I feel too much
Emotions like viscous liquid gumming up my veins
Bogging my brain like quicksand

All my muscles quake

Ever  been ***** and equally uninspired?
Not a single person keeps the fantasy alive

I could spend eternity
Sitting in the pouring rain
But it would never rinse you from my skin

I want to suffocate your memory.
I want to burn your image.
I want to record over the soundtrack of your voice with a thousand new songs
Each day I wake up I dig your grave deeper.
It’s become so deep that the dirt has begun to fall on me
If only I could drag you down with me.

Even in the places I go to escape you
I find you
I’m brought to tears in the middle of the dance floor with all of the motion, and lights and sound and smoke swirling around me
I feel the tangible space all around my body
I feel the weight of being without you

The crank of the pump is audible maybe for the first time
Drops joining a full line endlessly pouring into the vein
Skin so thin I can almost perceive the flow of morphine.. or is it blood?
I can count her bones as I clean
A pressure so light like when I was an infant and my father tickled my toes
No muscle or fat remaining they’ve already rejoined nature
But then the chest balloons, one shallow breath falling into step with mine
Sending a shudder down my spine like I’ve been electrocuted
Both of us hold our breath as i roll her bones
Black pools of blood on her back
Like ink spilling out on the page
vying to get out
And tell her story