Im trapped in that moment of silence after the airbag deployed.

Squeak squeak
Rumbleeeeee
Tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk
“MOMMMM”
“Hey babe I just got through security”
Rumbleeeeeeee
Tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk
“Those flying to Charlotte will board on gate A11”
“Girl let’s get a drink”
“Dad I’m on my way home, I board in 20”
Squeak squeak
Tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk tuk
“Ladies and gentleman may I have your attention please”

You’ll go far and you’ll go home
You’ll run to love or from heartbreak
But nothing brings clarity like the unbelievable stillness in your heart as a wallflower in an airport gate.

Sleep escapes me again.
I listen to the train whistles come farther apart
And the wheels on pavement grind to a halt

Lights that once illuminated the peaks and valleys of my skin have all extinguished.

And funny that a stranger stated my truth so plainly.
To describe these nights of torture ;
My existence ties my stomach in knots.

My 24th year
Sad and solemn

My lighthouse went dim just shy of its start
And my anchor simply dropped away

And here I spend it’s  last days
Stranded on open water

The sharks of future circling  

As the winds toss and turn me
Land becomes farther and closer and farther still

Im not sure when the storm will calm
Or the ache in my belly will cease

But I cling to my faith
That my light
she will lead from her dwelling place
And my ship
Well...

Sometimes I’m tragically  sad
Unjustly so
And I’m tired of apologizing for it

I remember it all
Down to the stretch of my shorts and the tie in my curls
The way you lingered; daring to get closer
As if a magnet drew us together
I thought; so that’s what fate feels like
But now I wonder if that’s how antelope feel as a lion closes in
If the tug in my gut was my body sensing your threat
I never was a good runner
Or maybe I knew you’d catch me regardless
But I remember it all

For all the sadness in my bones
Nothing can negate the peace I have laying
In the grass watching the sunset

I think I’ve loved you in a 1000 spaces
I curse my consciousness for being in this one

I used to long to be another half
But lately I can’t imagine anything more empty
Than shaving myself so thin

It was in the soft pattering of snow against my pane
It was in the crisp morning air
The stillness of the world
That I felt his soul untangle from mine
I watched his ghost dance across the wood
And slip through my door

Leaving me to quiver alone.

A song, a taste, a color
Any could knock the first domino
A tangled mess of linked traumas
That gave way to present strength

It’s in the good morning texts
And the look of pain when he smacks my ***
The way you tease me about Joanne
And spray cologne to visit me on a Sunday afternoon.

It’s in the way you stroke the crest where scalp meets face
Brushing my hair behind my ears
And then stroke where legs meet hips
Making my toes curl and back arch

I love you.

I think I spend half my life mourning the versions of me before
And the next half terrified of reaching my final form

Was it the patchwork dress I wore for my 8th birthday
Or the mud pies we made after the snow melted
Was it the green and black pleated skirt
Or the behavior chart with little red exes

What of these things rooted
Shallow and wide like a redwood
Shading my heart and soul
Encasing me in doubt

Sometimes I drive so far down the highway of my mental illness
My loneliness becomes my whole.

I’m just spinning in circles
Looking for signs
Looking for the road map.

I think today I realized you are the reason I stopped celebrating my birthday
I’m not sure if it was your presence or the lack of it

So many things I wanted to say
But the sugar coated my throat
And the cream turned my stomach
And your voice drowned my thoughts
So I opened the car door
And I walked back to myself

If it were one of the girls
I would tell them to run
Why do I not think I’m good enough to run

Smoke curls
Prison soap
Jameson

Eyes nose throat

Shut
Wide
Squeezed

Eyes nose throat

I never expected you to hurt me
I thought I was cutting off the lust
And the impractical
To feel something real

But I was never ever good enough to you

You’re gritty between my toes
I watch my roots sink deep
Anchoring me, through the high tide
Imprisoning me still
As you recede

I know I love you because when I look at you I hear music.

You told me so many times
That I deserved better
But I never heard you

I loved you so much I thought it would break me.
But missing you.
That’s so much harder.

As I lay here watching your favorite show
Which became mine
I think of how much I moved my heart towards yours
And how much you ran in the other direction.

And it’s sad.
Not because I love you
But because you will never love like me
Until you let go

I hate how much you mean to me
How much you have always meant to me

I’m not sure why I’m always squinting my eyes to the piercing light of my future
My own hands keeping me from seeing my potential

I love you
Three words I’ll never tell you
And words you’ll never say

Though I hear them everyday
In the whistle of the tea kettle
And your laugh against my temple

I love you
Three words you’ll never utter
And words that would break me to speak

I can’t help but hesitate
To step forward or out with anyone.
I can feel you reaching out to me
But I don’t know who you are yet