The crank of the pump is audible maybe for the first time
Drops joining a full line endlessly pouring into the vein
Skin so thin I can almost perceive the flow of morphine.. or is it blood?
I can count her bones as I clean
A pressure so light like when I was an infant and my father tickled my toes
No muscle or fat remaining they’ve already rejoined nature
But then the chest balloons, one shallow breath falling into step with mine
Sending a shudder down my spine like I’ve been electrocuted
Both of us hold our breath as i roll her bones
Black pools of blood on her back
Like ink spilling out on the page
vying to get out
And tell her story

The urgency to call you has faded most days
Sun rises and sets and I tell no one about what happens in between
And it’s freeing, but also it’s isolating
It is a reminder that all I ever had was the conversations I have in the dark

Every thought runs through my eyes
He reads my face
And repeats back my biggest fears to me loud and clear
“Yes I can tell your lost”
“Yes I know I’m perfect for you but you’re too afraid”
“Yes your ******* this up”

Takes the reigns right from my hands unbothered and leaves me shaking in the passenger seat.

As I struggle for oxygen
And swallow the lump in my throat
I remember the way you saved me

As I skip breakfast
And walk for more and more miles each day
I remember how you praised me

I am as broken as I always was
And I remember what a beautiful thing to be

I love the high of discovering someone
Peeling back the layers testing their limits
Being whoever whenever to get the answers
It’s staying and watching them change, watching them disappoint and win and grow and shrink
It’s the staying that breaks my soul

Fingers like magma
Tongue like lava
Set my core on fire
Flames licking me from the inside out
Heat spilling from between my thighs

Lately I feel like a bird with wet wings
In theory I have the freedom of the skies
But I’m stuck on the ground

Another solo flight around the sun
Another birthday candle lit by myself
Another childless purposeless year
Amen

What does shame look like?
A desperation
To be young
To be wild
To be as desireable as she once was
Be so ******* for real with yourself babe
You’re not aging gracefully until you accept your age

I don’t know why I find myself here again
Yearning for more but also being disgusted by it
Like drooling on a piece of fruit
It’s beautiful it’s healthy it makes you happy but it’s shameful all the same