The crank of the pump is audible maybe for the first time
Drops joining a full line endlessly pouring into the vein
Skin so thin I can almost perceive the flow of morphine.. or is it blood?
I can count her bones as I clean
A pressure so light like when I was an infant and my father tickled my toes
No muscle or fat remaining they’ve already rejoined nature
But then the chest balloons, one shallow breath falling into step with mine
Sending a shudder down my spine like I’ve been electrocuted
Both of us hold our breath as i roll her bones
Black pools of blood on her back
Like ink spilling out on the page
vying to get out
And tell her story

Emotions have always been too intense for me
Searing hot in my belly
I got too comfortable trying yours on for size
Now I don’t remember how to be **** if not for you

I love the high of discovering someone
Peeling back the layers testing their limits
Being whoever whenever to get the answers
It’s staying and watching them change, watching them disappoint and win and grow and shrink
It’s the staying that breaks my soul

As I struggle for oxygen
And swallow the lump in my throat
I remember the way you saved me

As I skip breakfast
And walk for more and more miles each day
I remember how you praised me

I am as broken as I always was
And I remember what a beautiful thing to be

Even in the places I go to escape you
I find you
I’m brought to tears in the middle of the dance floor with all of the motion, and lights and sound and smoke swirling around me
I feel the tangible space all around my body
I feel the weight of being without you

Fingers like magma
Tongue like lava
Set my core on fire
Flames licking me from the inside out
Heat spilling from between my thighs

The urgency to call you has faded most days
Sun rises and sets and I tell no one about what happens in between
And it’s freeing, but also it’s isolating
It is a reminder that all I ever had was the conversations I have in the dark

Lately I feel like a bird with wet wings
In theory I have the freedom of the skies
But I’m stuck on the ground

What does shame look like?
A desperation
To be young
To be wild
To be as desireable as she once was
Be so ******* for real with yourself babe
You’re not aging gracefully until you accept your age