i am in a haze today. it is cloudy and beautiful outside. it is also pressing down on my chest and i struggle for air. i wore your shirt to bed last night and it helped steady my oxygen supply. i wish you were here to say my name and speak to me in my native tongue to remind who i am and where i've come from. i'm forgetting everything, slowly. recreating yourself is only good when you haven't done it five thousand times over. i just want to be me now. but how do i become me if there is no you? pick me up from the library and walk me to class. hold my hand and tell me that you will stay with me no matter how grey the sky is or how cold my fingers feel.

I can't wake up to feel happy
let alone happy
these eyelids are heavier than the burdens
these shoulders aren't trained soldiers
I can't open my eyes to reality
barely read the newspaper
I'd rather dive into my dreamland
it's safer and soundly there
so I closed my eyes
wraped up with blanket

this is life, I thought.

people change everyday
so i vow to fall in love with you
every time the sun rises

s.s

☯
Eleven years since
you left, your name still hasn't
died in my arms yet.

☯
God, give me the grace
to spend my faith spilling blood
for love that's worthy.

☯
I kiss gravity,
& the light leaving my bones,
"This is how we fell."

Goodnight I, lost the fight I,
Cheated death for a while my friend
Now I’m off for a better fit
Off to a place of happiness
And no pain
Tonight

I lost all my movements
I’m in and out of consciousness now
I can’t breathe but I can still dream
I still hear you through that morphine wall
But I can’t get through
Tonight

My heart skips a beat
Like a stone over a pond
If seeing is believing
I guess I don’t see at all…

Goodnight I know it’s late
Let’s toast the good years
We spent in waste
All the bars, all the conversations
All the details, they blur into one
Goodnight friend
Goodbye friend
You’re a ******* and you’re a drunk

Goodnight friend
My blackout friend
You always kick me when I’m down
And I’m sorry I lost the fight
Just from my window there is no light
There’s no prize, there’s no woman
So there’s nothing left in my sight

Goodnight friend, goodbye friend
There’s no feeling and no pain
Tonight

Goodnight