I'm slowly losing my emotions.

As everyone always told me.

I used to
laugh
cry
and everyone always told me it's too much.
Too much of this and that.

They told me,
they could never imagine me,
to love someone
to be romantic
to be this kind of girl.

They told me,
that I am
a cold-hearted
a emotionless
a stone cold *****.

Always too much or too less,
never enough.
I'm simply never enough,
not enough of this and that.

Do you really wonder why,
I'm sick of showing emotions?

"**** it"
no
I refuted

I said,
"Bless it"

The world is enough a hell to be ******
Why curse it further?

“Oh, I forgot about you”
There goes a brick.

“You don’t mind if we go without you, right?”
Thud, there’s another.

“Could you just shut up for a second?”
Another.

“I can’t be around you when you’re sad”
Another.

“What’s wrong with you? I have it worse”
And another.

“Honestly, I didn’t notice you were here”
The bricks stack nicely on one another.

“I’d rather hang out with someone else, sorry”
My hands are raw from building.

“You’re a friend, you’re just not a best friend, y’know?”
The wall is getting higher.

“...”
I can’t see anyone anymore.

Are you okay?
Are you alright, are you fine, are you good?
Are you adequate, are you decent?
Are you emotionally stable, sleeping without crying, smiling because you want to?
Are you breathing without questioning, are you waking up without trying, are you eating without throwing up?
Are you reading this poem right now and thinking no?
Are you thinking for the first time, will I ever be okay?

You will be okay.
You will be alright, you will be fine, you will be good.
You will be adequate, you will be decent.
You will be emotionally stable, you will sleep without crying, and smile for the happiness blooming inside of you.
You will breathe without questioning, you will wake up to a new day, you will eat easily
You
are going to be okay.
So please smile sunshine
It’s a fine new day
To be okay :)

- a.g.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone.

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.

i made a mistake today.

and yesterday.

do you know what i did?

i turned a blind eye to your mistakes.

i shouldn't have,
but my feelings for you seemed to matter more
so i didn't stop myself from thinking you were perfect and
i didn't stop myself from falling too deep

by the time i realised how deep i was in
i was already drowning

maybe if i was physically drowning
someone would have saved me
maybe it could hav even been you.

but i was in over my head
and stopped listening to my heart

i guess it didn't matter in the end
when it all fell apart

Everything is falling apart,
It is too late to see.
No one is left to trust.

Crumbling into ashes and dust,
Lost in a meaningless sea.
Everything is falling apart.

Turn away if you must,
But it is too late flee.
No one is left to trust.

Fight for a fresh start,
If you are too blind to see.
Everything is falling apart.

Escapism is an art,
The world is too chaotic for me.
No one is left to trust.

Moisty eyes and a broken heart,
All I wish is to be free.
Everything is falling apart.
No one is left to trust.















Tanay Sengupta, Copyright © 2018.
All Rights Reserved

"She suffers with depression".
What do you see right now? In your mind's eye?
I know what you see.
You see a pale, skinny but beautiful girl curled up in their bed all sad and crying into the arms of a parent/lover/friend.
Let me tell you something.
That's not what it looks like.
Depression is not romantic.
That girl hasn't showered for three days. Her room smells. Her hair is greasy and unkempt.
She isn't crying. She's binge eating while watching TV episodes into the night.