I don’t want to be your
sunshine
I want to be your
moonlight
I don’t want to spit morning in your face
and remind you that it’s time to go to work
I want to be that spirit
that lets you know that it’s time to relax
I don’t want to burn your eyes or your skin
I never want to be capable of hurting you
I want to illuminate your soul
I may be under appreciated
eclipsed in the shadows
but I accept that
because I know that I’ll always be that small
light
guiding you in all of the
darkness.

- Moonlight

She’s the girl at the party
reading ****** in the corner
instead of conversing the idle
she never learned how to read books with blank pages
She has a heart of gold
it’s just a bit broken
Can’t you hear it?
It’s beating for you already
She’s looking to be soaked in safety
not just comfort
She thinks she may find it
in your dry sense of humor
She wants you to untangle her twisted mind
She’s searching for someone to understand
the evocation that is her soul
that she’s a black hole
yet a ray of sunshine
That she desperately yearns for attention
but burns under the spotlight
Beautiful and tortured like the sea
Don’t judge her for the too many sips she takes
She’s just trying to forget
the things she never deserved to know
She’s using liquor to put out the fire in her brain
No one ever told her that it just helps it grow
She doesn’t want to feel alone in this crowded room anymore
She wants to run through the forest chasing butterflies
the way she always has to feel alive
She’ll make a paintbrush out of her own hair
if she has to
and paint her words on the moon
just to feel special for a minute
something she’s never been able to prove to herself
Because it’s hard to hear her echo
underneath the ocean
even though you can see her reflection in the sky
She’s the girl at the party
reading ****** in the corner
Don’t be afraid
Stars can’t shine without darkness after all
Hurry, before her lungs fill with water
Won’t you listen to her song?
She will learn the chords to yours too
Accept her because she’ll always accept you

- Unicorn

Sometimes you’re controlling
but that’s okay
because I know that you love me
and you will always be there
You’re the only one
that has always been there
It’s like I’m a ship
and you’re my captain
You always grab a hold of me
when the wind blows
and the seas get tremulous
you steer me away from the chaos
When life gets too hard
I know that if I sink
you’ll go down with me
Oh captain, my captain
Sail me away

- Submission

Sometimes
I feel as though
I have nothing to offer
except witty retort
a painted face
a mouth that still whispers his name
a ***** soaked heart
and a wine stained soul
And a body
that shivers at the slightest touch
because my body can’t forget
what my mind can
my skin screams at the thought
And I’m just begging you
to see me
because I’ve lost sight of myself
I want to use you
as a pair of glasses
to see myself
through your lenses
just to try on
Please
tell me that your prescription
is stronger than mine
Please
tell me that you see something
more beautiful than I

- Glasses

Her glass was half empty
in more ways than one
She lies awake
still haunted by all of the promises broken
all of the to gropes unnoticed
all of the refusals ignored
She wondered if she was asking for it
but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway
She couldn’t stop the sky from falling
They take what they want
while she lives in a storm of melted ice
throwing punches to her own head
trying to beat out the feelings no one will validate
Punishing her body for the sins of her mind
She was hurt by those she trusted
she was burned by the stars she reached for
No one is coming to rescue her from her
So she hides under the bar in the shadows
from evils one couldn’t imagine
With bottles of contempt broken over her head
being burned to a million ashes
sprinkled in the ocean
The flashing lights can’t brighten
the darkness she knows too well
She wondered if she was meant to suffer forever
Trying to punish herself with each sip
Looking for God in the spilled drink on the floor
getting high to be closer to heaven
She would never tell you about the forced submission
the stardust left behind
in place of her innocence
She knows no one would believe her
so she believes in nothing

- Starlet

Not everybody likes a deep ocean
some are only comfortable in the shallows
They want to be able to stand in the water
instead of dive under
Not everybody likes a deep ocean
Not everybody likes a wise mind
Not everybody likes a long story
Not everybody likes a seasoned soul
Not everybody likes a deep ocean
But oh
the wild life they miss
The coral reefs
The fascinating creatures
The purity of the sand
The lights that beam through the tides
They miss everything
Not everybody will dive down
to see the beauty of your melancholy
and meet you with empathy
Not everybody will dive down
to where the treasure is buried
Not everybody likes a deep ocean

- Pity the Simple Minds

Why do bad decisions like you 
call to me
Like a siren’s song 
leading my ship to wreckage 
I feel drawn to you 
like a current 
I have to have you 
or maybe I need you to have me 
I just want to pass the time 
but I also need time to stop 
I want to be seen 
but I also want to disappear 
You’re my escape 
from myself 
You’re my Canosa 
So drag me to the bottom 
of the sea 
There is nothing up here 
for me 

- Sabotage

It’s easy to lure sailors in

with a siren’s song

it’s what I’ve always done

it’s easy to reel them in

with the Machiavellian melody of 
red lipstick and Robert Frost quotes 
the cadence of raspy vibrato 
the aroma of blue roses
Every nail painted 
Every word calculated 
It’s always so easy

and we dance for a while 
they twirl me around 
enchanted by my pirouettes 
And we drink the wine 
and we watch old films
and it’s beautiful

for a time

But alas 
nothing gold can stay

and I take the road less traveled

I become too much

too hard to reach

too deep

too far under the sea

buried in Davy Jone’s Locker

And they sail away

to the other side of the world

and drop the memory of me off the edge of it 
I’m alone

again 
because the sun always sets on the Jersey Shore
 
Some women fear that they’re not enough
I fear that I’m too much

But not for him

He wandered over all by himself 
I didn’t have to sing a single note

there were no more cadences to whisper 
he made me want to speak the truth

there was no upper hand

so I grabbed onto his

I started living in my body

instead of in my shadow

He stormed by beach

and took away my suffering

He never left

no matter how hard it got
He stayed when I lost my voice

and he helped me get it back

When I got dragged down too deep

he dove to the bottom of the sea to find me 
He helped guide me to the surface

He helped me remember how to swim. 
 
- Mythology of Loneliness

You only held me
because your hands were empty
then you made feel
as though I were the one
not full enough
You broke me like a promise
I wonder if you've found
pieces of me in her
You'll always have
the pieces you stole from me
The ones that were never yours to keep
Have you glued them together
to create someone better?
After all
I still have the pieces you left behind
the ones I didn’t want to keep
I don’t blame you
It must have been hard to see my pain
through the torture of your own
You had your own reflection blocking your view
You broke me like a promise
But I made sure to put myself together
even on the most fragile days
I won’t let my sharp edges
cut anyone else the way you cut me
I guess I shouldn’t have asked a broken man
to cradle a shattered heart

- pieces

You thought I was speechless
but there’s a world inside of my head
far more magical than the one you know
It was just across the way
but you couldn’t find the bridge
you didn’t even look
You can’t see past your own view
I tried to fight
but I’m ashamed to admit
that sword was too heavy to lift
I always believed that I was too much
instead of knowing that you were too little
I tried to help you
the water carrier I am
enslaved to my humanity
I got tired of pouring from empty barrels
Some just drink every drop of water you have
Some just **** all of the air out of the room
You wanted me to be seen and not heard
though you were deaf to logic
Burning my brain with words like stupid
the hot poker of your narrow spirit
You made sure those words
would be branded on me for eternity
Some things can never be erased
Some cuts never stop bleeding
And I now must see necessity in barricades
Because I loved you loudly
but you weren’t listening
Because I protected you fiercely
but you weren’t the one in danger
Because I tried to be your life raft
but you sank us both
So I put up the walls
to keep you out of certain places
those that are too beautiful to be tainted
by a provincial mind
Not because I’m afraid
but because I’m brave enough
to realize that I deserve better  

- Boundaries

The devil weeps for you
The angels cry with you
The harps plays a melody of your sorrow
Could this be the last verse of your ballad?
The ghosts haunting your hallways
want a place to call home too
They say a little prayer for you
But sometimes
life is just too hard to live
And sometimes
it just hurts too bad to be you
But there is light
There is life
in those skeletons in your closet
Those broken hearts are still beating
It’s not time for your swan song
There is solace in your sadness
with the honesty of your lyrics
There is heaven devoid of religion
Sing and they may just listen
Someone wants to hear your song
Say something
Someone else is singing the same tune  
Listen to it
There is beauty
Look closer

- Keep going

I sing a single cadence
and you come
I lure you towards the shore
and bury you in the sand
because I can’t be alone
I drown myself in the bottle
because I don’t want to feel
Sometimes I hope you will sail away
for your own good
But then I sing again
and there you are
loving me in all of my misery
glimmering and broken
And you make me feel
like I can
float.

- A Siren’s Song

It must be a crush
yet I feel crushed by you
by this tidal wave of infatuation
crippled by the thought of your lips
You crush me
when you don’t look my way
metaphysically I suppose
I barely know you
I’ve mostly invented you
in my head
like a character in a fable
creating expectations
that you could never live up to
because everything is better
inside my mind

I stay up at night
wondering if you’re as lonely as me
You must be
We’re alone in our acumen
No one gets me like you
the way I see art
the way you drink to escape the hell in your head
I wonder what you’re trying to forget
With every sip
every intellectual prose
Our minds slow dance
to Sam Cooke in the moonlight

The truth is
you could be anyone
I just need someone
to think about
to obsess over
to distract me from myself
so that I don’t realize who I am
and fall back into the abyss

In my head you like
néo-noirs
Dorothy Parker
and ***** martinis
like me
We talk and talk
about decades we never lived through
romanticizing the music and fashion
neglecting the oppression
You help people all day
and slay dragons at night

Something about that cocky smirk
reminds me of him
It makes me nostalgic
of all the words left unsaid
that I can whisper to you instead

You lull me to sleep every night
with mellifluous nothings
and I sink into a slumber
and dream of your ocean blue eyes
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead

Then I wake up
and you’re not there
you never were
you’re not real
just my own imagination
playing cruel tricks on me

We would never work
I’m too grounded in my hopes for the future
to fly to the moon with you
Your glasses are too tinted with rose
to see me in the light
And I’m too cold of a person
to start a fire with you

Your face changes
from time to time
but you’re always here
radiating in perfection and fabrication
I wonder what you will look like
next time
I don’t know who you will be
but I know that you will
crush me
all over again
I think I made you up inside my head

- A Mad Girl’s Love Song

You watch me dance 
sexualizing my every move 
fantasizing 
thinking that 
I’m shaking for you 
to get you to notice me 
You think I must want you 
the way you want me 
But I’m just trying 
to shake this devil 
off of my back 
The one that comes around 
when I have to be around others 
around people like you 
The devil that has me 
searching for the right thing to say 
at the bottom of the glass 
My holy water replacement 
The devil that shoots panic through my veins 
and sets my blood on fire 
My body can’t stop moving 
because it rejects interaction 
It is being tormented 
by my tormenting thoughts 
The air perishes 
and I’m being dragged to hell again 
Why is something 
that seems so seamless
for everyone else 
so strenuous for me? 

- Social Anxiety

The people who can’t fall asleep to silence
are the people to be the most worried about
The people who are terrified
to be alone
with their own thoughts
with the voices
Where darkness knows no bounds
there’s a reason it can’t be measured
They don’t make bedtime stories or lullabies
for people like us
The monsters under our beds never go away
they just get scarier with age
Because we chase our nightmares
the way others chase dreams
Strangled by our own memories
I’m looking for gray
in patches of black and white
Blood still drips from those sunflowers
painted on my wall
when I dare to close my eyes
because I’m still the broken girl I always was
counting sheep in my ripped nightgown
torn like my innocence
Clutching onto my teddy bear
lost like my soul
Hush little baby
don’t say a word
You wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s ears
with your pain
There’s nothing to distract you from you
At least we can behave like stars for awhile
For we never shut our eyes
until the sun is in the sky

- Insomnia

I wonder when I’ll stop
looking for approval
under the sand
buried like your heads
I wonder if I’ll ever live my life
in honor of me
instead of
in spite of you
I’ve splashed in these shallow lagoons
and climbed these trees a million times
but I don’t belong here
because a purpose for someone like me
is too colossal to be contained on land
So I sail away from the island you’re all sired to
and I find bliss in the places you’ll never go
I drop my anchor
where the tides are high
and the minds are open
It’s a shame you’ll never experience this beauty
because you’re too afraid of drowning

- Shallow

Does she ever catch
that grin on your lips
or the glimmer in your eye
when you’re thinking of me?
I bet you draw my portrait in your sleep
Your blue rose
Your broken diamond
You never forget the lyrics
to your favorite song
See me
Breathe me
Bleed me
Don’t forget me

- Selfish

I take off the spectacles
and I realize 
the Emerald City 
isn’t green at all 
I see you 
in the light of day 
and I realize 
you’re not the person 
I thought I needed 
to make me feel good about myself 
I was asleep in the poppies 
and the validation wasn’t worth it
I loved you last night 
but I was dreaming 
too far over the rainbow
Now 
I just want to go 
home 
Someone please take me 
home 

- Manifest Destiny

Today was a bad day 
I’m seeing stars 
lingering in the hangover of sobbing 
drowning in my own tears 
I got lost inside my head again 
dragged to the bottom of the sea again 
pulled by the anchors attached to my legs 
I feel a pain that’s all too familiar 
like a next door neighbor
that won’t leave me alone 
I’m still paying for the mistakes 
made by my former self 
Shaken that I haven’t changed 
as much as I thought 
I see the devil lurking in the shadows 
waiting to escort me back to hell 
I’m trying to swim up 
I’m trying to kick and paddle
but I feel paralyzed 
crippled by self enmity 

But I don’t need to drown again 
I won’t 
I know how to survive this 
Even if I can’t swim right now 
I know what can lift me up 
I have floating devices 
I can paint waves 
collect shells 
listen to the hymns of the seagulls 
or watch the sunset on the horizon 
I can’t swim 
But it’s okay 
to wear a life jacket for now 
I deserve to float 
I deserve peace 
and so do you 

- Self-care

The louder the mind
the quieter the mouth
Wolves that don’t howl
Stars that are afraid to shine
A river that only flows backwards
A moral compass that breaks from its own strength
Because the world is nothing but gray
when seen through the eyes of an empath
When darkness isn’t just behind eyelids
that flutter faster than wings
recalling the time before the storm
when everybody seemed to be worth saving
The sensitivity ties me up
and the compassion holds me hostage
while vulnerability puts a gun to my head
Yet I still refuse to pick up the knife
Because people walk out of my life
but they overstay their welcome in my mind
and I’m left shedding tears that aren’t mine
taking bullets out of a gun I’ve never shot
begging the devil to be something he’s not
It’s a burden
because the most beautiful butterflies
are laced with poison
Delicate and deadly
patiently waiting to drain me of my self-worth
Yet all I see is their pain
No one ever said forgiveness would be fair
And no one ever said being an empath would be easy

- Empath

How can I then return in happy plight? 
I can’t sleep
when I do 
my subconscious torments me so 
or worse 
it plays cruel tricks on me 
by dreaming of a kinder world 
one with 
you
in it 
I want to sink into a slumber 
because I want the night to end 
But I want to stay awake 
because I don’t want tomorrow to come 
I can’t do this again 
I just want the noises in my head to stop 
but the silence is violent 
I look at my reflection 
and all I see is 
you 
The sun 
and 
the moon 
once at opposition 
shake hands to torture me 
and I remain a knave to them both 
I wander around the other side in my nightmares 
and follow the echoes of your voice 
crippled by the memory of your touch 
I would toil the galaxy to find you 
but the earth pulls me down 
back to this bed that feels like a prison 
So I lay here 
stabbing swords into the night 
cowering from the morning 
The sun 
draws my sorrows longer 
The moon 
makes grief’s strength stronger 
I can’t live without 
you 

- XXVIII

I dream in
lace & pearls
blue roses & ballet slippers
Poe & Plath
Because to properly drink a martini
you need a steady hand
and a broken mind
Don’t you know
There are certain shades of limelight
that can wreck a girl’s complexion
Certain scents
that can’t mask the desperation to held
Certain make up
that only highlights the you
you’ve tried to leave behind
Keep playing dress up little girl
everybody knows the truth
They know you’re hurt
They know you’re hungry
Eat your heart out if you’re starving for love
Keep sailing the open ocean
Keep telling yourself that you’ve changed
You’re terrified to look up to the sky
because you know the constellations
will keep calling you home
to the real you

- Dress Up

I want to wrap you in pearls
and show you the beauty of dark elegance
I read my books fast
and drink my wine faster  
Because sometimes we have to come face to face with death  
just to feel alive  
And I’m always looking for a badder influence than the one I’m already under  
You can try to untie me from your thoughts  
but I know you love the taste of rebellion as much as I do  
Even if you’re just a projection of my torment there’s always a game to play  
I’ll teach you how to turn off the sun  
and throw your life in the fire  
You can breathe in the smoke  
as long as you don’t look in the mirrors
Take a vile of my blood, ******* demons, spoon feed my ego
wipe away my memories, sip the poison that isn’t mine  
Let me hide my pain in the wake of your shadow
Maybe I’m a good girl who wants to be bad
or maybe I’m a bad girl pretending to be good  
I have a heart that only beats  
to the rhythm of your secrets  
and a soul that will haunt you  
like the way I whisper your name  
So let your worries pop faster than these
champagne bubbles  
I’ll help you find God at the bottom of the glass
We can kiss the sky like angels  
and turn our pain into a purpose  
Though the later it gets  
the more my demons will come out to play  
So let’s break these stained glass windows  
and taste each other’s souls  
Quickly, before the sun shines and there’s a price to pay  
Let’s drink the world away and forget the promises our faith broke  
We hail no one here  
So kiss the whiskey off my lips  
We’re all just running from the fear of being alone  

- Dark Elegance

Those whom are easily liked by everyone
will seldom be loved deeply by anyone
Maybe some people the world belongs to
while other people belong to the world
I’ve accepted my fate
The girl who no one understands
The witch who burns in the sun
Fated to lie in the middle of the ocean
singing a siren’s song for eternity
I wonder if anyone will ever hear it
I wonder if it will have been worth it
To create art that no one will admire
to help those who will never care
Should I have tried harder to be normal?
Picking my own petals
and throwing them on the ground just like them
Watching the water endlessly drip
from the blue roses on my ceiling
Forcing my pen to the page
begging myself to leave a legacy
so I can prove myself to me
Needing to believe I can impress myself
as much as I disappoint myself
Expecting anything but misery
to pour out of these poisoned veins
Drowning myself in what I masquerade as nourishment
Pleading to the moon to stay out longer
Maybe feeble minds don’t need vices
but have you ever wanted to go to sleep
and not wake up?
I’ve always had to live life the hard way
Trapped in chaos and rejected by tradition
Art has tainted my soul
And now I see an ocean
where others see a puddle
Where people see nothing
I see everything
And no one can ever seem to see me
It’s lonely
Thinking the way that I do
feeling the way that I feel
My voice gets sore from singing a siren’s song
while I violently break through these walls that imprison me
even though I built them myself
My body lays still as my mind wanders the abyss
Searching for the words
that will give meaning to all the pain I endured
I wonder if it’s a good thing
that my mind is as open as the ocean
and resides below the tides
I can find reason for anything
and meaning behind nothing
Humanity in everyone
and beauty in everything
But is that worth being misunderstood?

- Artist

We don’t come into this world smiling
we come in crying
We feel
We feel every emotion
Yet we are conditioned to believe
happiness is our natural state
and we are defective if we feel anything else
I tried not to feel
the knives of rejection dug too deep into my skin
So I carried my emotions on my back
like baggage that I would never unpack
trying desperately not to let others know
how heavy it was  
But my legs snapped
I couldn’t get off of the ground
and nobody noticed
Because you’re invisible when you’re sad
and feared when you’re angry
and judged when you’re scared
and crucified when you’re ill
But we can’t help it
we feel
though they expect us not to
They expect us to smile when we’re sad
They expect the snow to fall in the summer  
They expect us to breathe while we’re drowning
but we can’t do that
because we feel
So I shake hands with my feelings
and validate their existence
with a pat on the back
because no one else will
It’s okay to cry when you’re sad
It’s okay to shiver when you’re cold
and it’s okay to drown sometimes
You will swim up when you’re ready
It’s okay to feel
We must feel to heal

- We feel